I get so depressed after seeing the kids

[Sluggo]

Today I saw my son who I haven't spend one on one time with in 6 months.  He is not there for my parenting time pick up so I am just with one of our boys (court order says I only can get 2 kids at a time- we have 7).  That started because I lived in a one bedroom apartment and have been fighting to get the order changed since I now have a 4 bedroom home.  

Anyway, I am more depressed after seeing them.  I can't stop being so emotional (ie crying) after leaving.  Seems like that is the acute time or realization and reflection of everything that has happened.  Even more difficult is when my s16 make every reason in the world not to meet me at my house and drive together.  He said no and then had every excuse why he only had 1 hour for dinner.  

Then I think was getting out of the so dysfunctional relationship worth it... .  I didn't realize the price would be this high with the alienated older kids. 

This is painful.  

[ForeverDad]

Splitting up the kids for visits would never be meant as a long term condition.  So yes, get that updated ASAP.  I'm somewhat surprised the order didn't say, for example, "Sluggo is limited to the number of children to take for overnights until he gets a larger residence, one bedroom for himself, one bedroom for his boys and one bedroom for his girls.  Day visits on his parenting time include all children."

Needless to say, orders typically do not give children the ability to countermand their parent's decisions.  They don't get a choice about school, right?  Same goes for parenting schedules.

[StayStrongNow]

Sluggo, so sorry about your pain. When my parenting time was over with my D10, D8 and S9 it was sad to come home to an empty 2 BD apt.

I tried several recycles I have to admit for mostly my children but each of my attempts my stbxBPDw would punch, kick and or throw things at me. She was arrested 4 times with 7 charges including DV and 3 convictions by way of new arrests after getting court supervision / probation on prior charges. She has self harmed in the past (slit both wrist). I had the idealization stage last about 8 years, the devaluation stage for 4, 1 1/2 during the divorce. I have been discarded and the replacement to her is her next husband. On the divorce decree she wants me to waive the section if she cohabitates with the new replacement I don't have to pay alimony (maintenance).

I raise the kids now, I have them full time and I hug them and love them so much. The only time I do not have them is when is when I work, I miss them then too.

As you can see I have a high profile BPD, you can find 3 sets of her mugshots on the Internet and there was more stuff but the bottom line is we will NEVER be together again. She is psychotic and neurotic, hence the name Borderline, she truly is both. She almost got us all killed beating me, throwing the GPS and everything in the glove box at me while I was going 65 on the expressway.

I don't know your situation and how bad it was and is, but to try to make it work with a BPD in my case would not only be heroic it would be impossible. Going back would be like selling my soul to the devil.

I know it's hard but if you can afford it, keep trying to go through the courts, you seem to be a good man and you deserve your seven kids. I believe at least in my case the best decision is that as much as possible NC with the BPDer.