I just want to know WHY...he disappeared

[DreamerGirl]

From the moment I woke up this morning, I felt sad and have kept running the same things over and over in my mind, searching for an answer.

Three weeks ago today.  Everything was as normal as can be between us.  We had lunch and made plans for the evening.

The evening came, he didn't turn up.  I called and texted.  He didn't answer nor respond.  The end.

Well, that's what happened to me and today I just want to know Why, Why?

Yesterday I felt like I had started to move forward, slightly, maybe a few steps.  Today i feel back to square one. 

[JerryRG]

I think what your going through is normal for us that have been with these individuals. Confusion, obsessing, loneliness are all just what we have during and after the relationship ends.

All I can tell you is our thoughts do return, clear thinking returns, the obsessing lessens and life will get better.

Do whatever you can to love yourself right now, I was empty, my love tank was dry. PwBPD suck us of everything and leave us starved. Once we learn and master the art of self care, self love, wellness and health we won't ever accept what we had with them again.

This is my scenario:

I found a beautiful broken girl to fix
I loved her
I gave everything I had to her
She took it all
I expected one day she would give something back
I was wrong
She's sick
She has nothing to give me that is of any worth
I gave more
I woke up
I now love myself
I now give myself what I need
I don't even like my exgf
I'm gone
I'm getting stronger every day
She's still sick and clueless
I don't care what she is or does
I'm happy she's gone
I'm alive
I'm free
I'm happy
I'm hopeful

With her, I was dead

I'm new here too, I hope you feel better real soon!

Love yourself, it is the beginning of a life long relationship

One more thing that may be important, do not allow your ex or what he did to you determine your self worth. That is a lie, they lie, they loath themselves so just remember they brought you down to their level to control you, us.

Another thing, don't believe you're any different than anyone else here or anywhere else. If I can recover so can you, trust me, us, you are not unique. Believe in yourself, you will be ok, you will get well if you choose too.

You, for whatever reason got involved with a person with severe mental illness, that's the facts, the solutions are just as easily distinguishable once you get clear of the FOG. Take care

[MrsTrigger]

Hi DreamerGirl
I can relate to what you are feeling and wanting to know why. Mine left 10 days ago, changed all his contact info and disappeared.  I'm trying to find strength from the people who have been through it before us as they share their stories.  I'm especially having a hard time with the obsessing and when I find myself crying and focusing on him, I log on to this site and start reading posts. I feel it helps me divert my focus to my own healing and understanding.  I'm in the midst of the emotional tornado but I wanted to share with you the one thing that does help me stop crying at least. 

[hurting300]

  MrsTrigger       

Mine did the SAME THING. Let him go. Trust me you will be happy again I promise.

[Lilyroze]

  Dreamer Girl,

It seems that with BPD many never know what they want, are never happy, mirror or have no core values. This can be a disaster unless you are a juggler. You juggle all the emotions, care-take, make everything pleasant and are Donna Reid in leave it to beaver. Don't forget your romper room voice for when they get stressed.  It is not a bad thing and  many are great people, very passionate and caring. Especially if they can mirror back.

If not... .well then the darker side while you are living life, they are defining what they want, so the never end cheating online, in life, wandering eyes and souls! So if you need support, have a bad day, need love, are sick or even want to celebrate that might throw them off, as all about them and shallow emotions don't let them have empathy. So they turn to whomever fills that at moment.

Or worse perhaps the biggest early obstacle to any relationship is one that few ever see coming: the end of the honeymoon period. That initial magic starts to fade, the rush you got when your partner entered the room disappears, and everything just seems less… exciting.

When you’re caught up in a brand new relationship it’s hard to imagine that this could ever happen, but it’s pretty hard to avoid really. That means that it takes people by surprise, causing many to mistake the end of the honeymoon period for the end of their entire relationship, to mistake the loss of excitement for the loss of love. And that means that plenty of people are giving up on great relationships purely because they’ve made the natural progression to the next level and things have changed slightly

Mature relationships get that a honeymoon period doesn't end it, instead starts a beautiful relationship with love, romance, friendship,caring, integrity that is long lasting and loving.

Mature adults in loving relationships know it is 50 - 50 sometimes 100% and the other can give nothing if near birth, sick or just depressed. Happens in every marriage or relationship. Give and take. So you can laugh together, have hobbies, alone time and respect each other for that.

Many BPD can't do that, so they mistake the high when they hear a girl on chat, youtubes, blogs,gamers,  or real life for love they are thinking with the wrong head... .or if women just giving into lust and fantasy. Many of these are living second life in real life, and we aren't.

So everything is going along and you are loyal, faithful and having fun, realizing it might not be endless honeymoon or breathtaking anymore but true love in your mind. Well they are what is that song Manbo 5.

I wish I could tell you that he had a flat tire, a man picked him up, he had amnesia but cares deeply for you, starting a business and will be back a millionaire. More then likely he is out with another, when that doesn't work, as it never lasts, he will be back. Is that what you want?

If the person is going through a rough time, death, sickness in family, hurting, or comes back hat in hand and realizes I say give him a chance if you love him and he loves you life is too short and precious to not if that is where your heart is.

If not and he isn't caring enough to say sorry, or I need time going through somethings... .etc you are worth more.

BPD make wonderful boyfriends or girlfriends are great with fantasy, but not when it comes to keeping it up for real life is what some say.

Find true love, where it doesn't end with honeymoon stage, still feels like honeymoon stage kind of love many years later. I have had that, we both deserve that.

Good luck and so sorry you are going through this and hurting. I do hope he comes back and it was just something else, and you can work out if that is what you want.

 

[Tallie]

Lilyroze, that is one of the best descriptions I have ever seen. Thank you for reminding me of all that today... .

[Puzzledpieces]

I can relate. This happened to me approx 3 months or so ago now, and while it hasn't been an easy time, I am definitely in a better place now then where I was then, even if it's not completely, it's enough to call it progress. This situation took me to a very dark place, I felt like I was the only one to ever feel the way I did, and my situation was very unique, but little did I know, I wasn't the only one and my situation wasn't unique at all. It gave me hope and comfort, because I feel that only people who have experienced this themselves can truly understand what we're feeling. 
I spent a lot of time (and unfortunately sometimes still do) wondering how someone can do such a thing and have 0 remorse for it. It'll probably always be a question I will never find answers to. Know that you aren't alone. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You've found a wonderful site here, full of great insights and support. Reach out whenever you feel the need to xx

[Lilyroze]

Lilyroze, that is one of the best descriptions I have ever seen. Thank you for reminding me of all that today... .

TY Tallie, glad it helped.   Helps me as well to remember... .this is an illness. We didn't cause, can't cure nor control it. We only can control ourselves, how we react to it.

[DreamerGirl]

JerryRG thank you,

I really needed to hear that there will be light at the end of this tunnel.  I have struggled with my self worth during the past three weeks.  To be thrown away like trash, from someone who told you they loved you, daily, is a real mind f**k. 

I do choose to get through this, and find myself again. 

MrsTrigger, thank you for sharing, we are both going through emotional turmoil at the moment, I wish you all the strength and determination to see this through, because I believe, as hard as this is for us right now, we now have a chance of escape, even though we didn't instigate it, the universe has stepped to help us.  Keep sharing, it really helps me as well, being here with a support group who understand.

hurting300, thank you.  Do you mind me asking, how long did it take you to get yourself back to feeling hope again?

Lilyroze what a great description, that really helps me to read this.  I even had a giggle about the flat tire haha. He has done this to me before, never for this long, but when he has popped his head back out of the rabbit hole, it's usually just a testing the waters text.  In the past, I have always been so exhausted from the confusion and the missing him, that by the time he did this, I would totally forgot how disrespectful he had treated me, and I would just feel so relieved that he finally was acknowledging me again.  How sad is that, and I'm not even a desperate person.  I didn't think I was, but he has bought the worst out in me and that is such a red flag in the future for me, if any man makes me feel this insecure, abandoned or needy, then he is not the person for me. 

We had to keep the honeymoon phase happening, for 4.5 years.  I think because we didn't live together that made it easier plus I never put any demands on him, and always liked to do my own thing with my friends, which I guess he found a challenge, trying to dominate me.  I never gave him full control of me, but, looking at it now, he still managed to hurt me, emotionally.

I do believe he has someone more exciting happening right now, or he would be  contacting me.  Every day he doesn't contact me, is a step closer to freedom and finding peace again. 

Puzzledpieces, thank you.  I'm still in the dark place mostly, but hearing you say that you are now in a better place, reminds me of why I am staying NC.  I know I could pick the phone up and call or text him.  I know he would like me to do that.  That would be such an ego boost to him.  I know I could even get him to come over and fake love me again.  I don't want that, I deserve so much better than that, we all do.