uBPDm and uNPDf Cut Contact with me?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was just wondering if this scenario has happened to anyone else:

I decided for my own mental health to reduce contact with my disordered parents.  After being LC since Thanksgiving- no visits (they live on the other side of the state), short emails and phone calls, but no announcement as to what I was doing, I think they actually may have cut off all contact with me!  The last I heard from my uBPDm was when she called and asked if I had a few minutes.  I said that I had a few minutes.  With that she sort of huffed, didn't tell me what she was calling for and then said she loved me. I told her I loved her too and we hung up.  I did think it was strange, but I think it may have actually been the first time I ever said I didn't have all the time in the world for her.  I have emailed several times with pictures of the kids or animals and heard nothing.   If this has happened to you, did you continue contact on the limited basis or let it go?  It's been over a month.

[MoreGuilt]

I was just wondering if this scenario has happened to anyone else:

I decided for my own mental health to reduce contact with my disordered parents.  After being LC since Thanksgiving- no visits (they live on the other side of the state), short emails and phone calls, but no announcement as to what I was doing, I think they actually may have cut off all contact with me!  The last I heard from my uBPDm was when she called and asked if I had a few minutes.  I said that I had a few minutes.  With that she sort of huffed, didn't tell me what she was calling for and then said she loved me. I told her I loved her too and we hung up.  I did think it was strange, but I think it may have actually been the first time I ever said I didn't have all the time in the world for her.  I have emailed several times with pictures of the kids or animals and heard nothing.   If this has happened to you, did you continue contact on the limited basis or let it go?  It's been over a month.

[HappyChappy]

Hi MoreGuilt,

One of the first books written about a BPD was entitled “I hate you - done’ leave me”. I.e. they use push and pull. And one way a BPD pulls away is to use the silent treatment. They may encourage others to isolate you also. By going LC you were taking back control, they hate that. So they are upping the anti, attack being the best form of defence. This way they can always lay the blame on you. But we know how stubborn a BPD can be, so this also plays to their strengths. I expect you know this MoreGuilt, but it's designed to create more guilt, but not justified or valid guilt, just more.

Personally I loved the silent treatment as my BPD was such an aggressive nag, peace and quiet was so rare.  We should never play their game, they’re too good at it. More importantly how do you want to play this ? What would suit you ?

[MoreGuilt]

Thanks, Happy Chappy, for the perspective.  I would prefer to think that they are trying to create more guilt from me than what I was thinking.  I was thinking that it proves I really am worthless in their eyes if I don't bow down and be good.  I'll go with your perspective   

So in ruminating about this yesterday, I told my dh the reasons I didn't make a grand display around Thanksgiving and openly cut contact:

1) I find grand displays immature and let's face it, I have been the mature one for as long as I can remember. 2) I didn't want to make any rash decisions I would regret later. 3) I didn't want to hurt my uBPm by "rejecting" her because she can be quite violent when hurt. My uNPDf is elderly and he would be on the receiving end. I also figured she could use her vivid imagination to come up with excuses she could tolerate. My sister, who am beginning to suspect also has uBPD has severely limited contact with my uBPD and everyone else. My mom blames my sister's dh, so I thought she could go ahead and blame mine if that helps.  I know it is not her dh.  My sister  has been more and more agitated with me over the years as our perspectives on politics and child rearing have diverged and I just kept taking it.  In hindsight, I am glad she stopped calling or taking my calls since I'd always feel bad afterwards.

I then began thinking about what I hoped to achieve by continuing contact.  Was I simply sending pictures to seek approval on how well we are doing?

It is incredible how much space they take up in my head.  Perhaps the lack of response gives me an out I can live with.   

[jane24]

Hi MoreGuilt,

I am experiencing the same as you. I've lurked on this board for a few weeks now hoping that someone would post something like this. I do not know if my parents are BPD but due to their actions I have been looking around and found this board and several of the posts resonated with me. I feel as though my parents have gone NC with me too and I don't understand why. I have been in therapy for several months over this and it has really helped. I suggest going to one if you are not already. They really help you wade through the emotions and help stop the ruminating. I was in denial for a long time, it is always easier to deny what is really going on sometimes. It is a very confusing situation and some days are easier than others but some days there is an overwhelming sadness and confusion. I continue with LC but I have pulled back significantly now. I think you need to do whatever works for you (a therapist can also help with that). I read a quote that also seems to help-I did not cause this, I cannot cure it and cannot change it.

Another suggestion for you is to read this book. It is awesome-
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Very eye opening.

[Notwendy]

Mine has done this multiple times. Eventually she comes around and at that point acts as if nothing happened. She's also disowned me and written me out of the will, then written me back in.

This is kind of like the silent treatment. It is hurtful, scary, but there is no telling how long it will last.

[MoreGuilt]

Thanks for your replies, Jane24 and NotWendy.  I did make an appointment with a T, but can't get in for 3 weeks.  Thanks for the book recommendation, jane24.  I'll definitely look into it.  One thing I thought about that could be happening is that my uNPDf is giving the silent treatment and not sharing the emails with my uBPDm.  He holds control over the computer and prints emails out for my uBPDm.  I set not initiating phone calls as my boundary because I have been hurt so many times before by accidentally calling when my uBPDm was in a bad mood.  I figured it was safer to just take her calls since she has never called me in a bad mood.  And if my uNPDf answers and she is not there- yuck.  He will rant and rave over how crazy she is or get creepy with me or simply be completely unavailable without so much as asking how I am.  I could send a card- but what would it say?  "Been checking the obituaries and know you haven't died".  Or "thinking of you".  My uBPDm gets the mail from the box.