My BPD Sister and me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am so glad to find this site. I became convinced my sister has BPD several years ago. However, she is undiagnosed and doesn't believe she is mentally ill or needs help. She has been unable (unwilling?) to work for most of her life and has been supported by my 80 year old mother, who is convinced she is to blame for my BPDsis's condition and the fact that her life has not been satisfying. The most difficult part for me is the false memories she relates, memories of terrible abuse by my father, memories of my mother being bedridden and begging her to take care of me and my younger siblings, memories of bad things I did to her and caring things she did for me. I am a year and a half younger than her and have observed these stories getting worse and worse over the years. At first I believed the stories of abuse, which was extremely upsetting and strained my relationship with my father until I had heard enough other false memories that I realized the worst abuse stories also were false, which is why nobody in my family remembered those incidents. She is very smart and manipulative and tends to be a bully in a passive-aggressive way, which unfortunately has led me to become increasingly impatient and to snap at her if I spend more than a few hours in her company. I know this is not helpful to anyone and I would like to learn how to communicate with her in a more constructive way. And I also could use some help in how to explain all this to my husband, who has not known her for long and does not see it - all he sees is me snapping at her rudely, and he does not believe her memories are false. I do not want this to create a rift between me and my husband, but I do not know what to do except try to avoid her. We had another big fight last night and I am exhausted and dismayed. I feel powerless and at her mercy. But I am comforted to know I am not alone even if my husband doesn't understand.

[InPain66]

I am so glad to find this site. I became convinced my sister has BPD several years ago. However, she is undiagnosed and doesn't believe she is mentally ill or needs help. She has been unable (unwilling?) to work for most of her life and has been supported by my 80 year old mother, who is convinced she is to blame for my BPDsis's condition and the fact that her life has not been satisfying. The most difficult part for me is the false memories she relates, memories of terrible abuse by my father, memories of my mother being bedridden and begging her to take care of me and my younger siblings, memories of bad things I did to her and caring things she did for me. I am a year and a half younger than her and have observed these stories getting worse and worse over the years. At first I believed the stories of abuse, which was extremely upsetting and strained my relationship with my father until I had heard enough other false memories that I realized the worst abuse stories also were false, which is why nobody in my family remembered those incidents. She is very smart and manipulative and tends to be a bully in a passive-aggressive way, which unfortunately has led me to become increasingly impatient and to snap at her if I spend more than a few hours in her company. I know this is not helpful to anyone and I would like to learn how to communicate with her in a more constructive way. And I also could use some help in how to explain all this to my husband, who has not known her for long and does not see it - all he sees is me snapping at her rudely, and he does not believe her memories are false. I do not want this to create a rift between me and my husband, but I do not know what to do except try to avoid her. We had another big fight last night and I am exhausted and dismayed. I feel powerless and at her mercy. But I am comforted to know I am not alone even if my husband doesn't understand.

[Panda39]

Hi InPain66,

Welcome to the bpdfamily   

You most definitely are not alone.  Everyone here is struggling to negotiate a pwBPD (person with BPD) in their lives.  I am here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife). 

I'm sorry things are so tough regarding your sister.  It sounds to me like you are describing "Gaslighting"

Gaslighting  The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (originally known as Angel Street in the United States), and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptions. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband's subtle dimming of the house's gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she's imagining.

"Gaslighting" has been used colloquially, since at least the mid 1970s, to describe psychologically upsetting manipulations of the type depicted in the play and film: In her 1980 book The Best Kept Secret: Sexual Abuse of Children[1] Florence Rush summarizes George Cukor's 1944 film version of Gas Light, and writes, "even today the word [gaslight] is used to describe an attempt to destroy another's perception of reality."

Here is a link to another thread discussing what to do about gaslighting that you might find helpful. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187629.0

I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to further information. You might want to check out the links in the "Lessons" section when you have time.

You might also want to share this site with your husband.  My SO and I are both members here and it has helped us both be on the same page, speak the same language and work as a team when it comes to his ex.

I know you will find support, ideas and encouragement from the members here as I have.

Take Care,
Panda39

[HappyChappy]

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. When you mentioned your BPD wears you down and makes you snappy, this is something I and I would guess most people on here can relate to.

J.A.D.E  can help in such situations. We must remember not to “justify, argue, defend, explain”  otherwise we look guilty and just encourages the BPD (as their aim is to rile us).

I’m sorry your husband also fell for this, but in fairness it took us all a long time to rumble our BPD, because their techniques are so good. Time will out as they say.

I would like to learn how to communicate with her in a more constructive way.

Here’s a bunch of the most popular ones:
Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Another tip is that a BPD will attack when they think you’re at a low ebb. So don’t allow these 10 O’clock conversations to even start, have fail safe excuse to head them off at the pass. Don’t ever present to a BPD at a low ebb if you can. But never forget, the more you know about your sisters techniques, the less effective they become. The last technique that might help is called medium chill. This is where you show no emotion, but you don’t ignore, the protagonist. If they can’t get a rise out of you, like a naught 8 year old tries to do, they lose interest and move along to someone who will. Best of luck. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

INPAIN66:  I'd like to join Panda 39 and Happy Chappy in Welcoming you to BPD Family.

I became convinced my sister has BPD several years ago. However, she is undiagnosed and doesn't believe she is mentally ill or needs help.

So sorry about the situation with your sister. The uBPD in my life is my sister as well.  I found the book "Walking on Egg Shells" very informative.  If you haven't read it, It might be something for both you and your husband to read or listen to. I actually listened to the audio book and then got the Kindle version of a workbook that is available.

Things that I've learned from the book and this website, have helped me gain a better understanding of what seemed to be the unexplainable.  My sister SPLIT me, when our parent's health began to fail and they died within 6 months of each other. It happened as soon as we had to start working together to make decisions.  My sister wouldn't get any therapy, so I was the one who went into therapy and learned about BPD.

It was very hard to understand how a woman who spends a lot of time at church (and purports to be a Christian), could be such a monster to me.  Our current contact is between lawyers, in order to conclude trust/estate matters.  Sadly, my sister really needs the money, but she had to go out and get a lawyer. I suspect that it will take going to court to conclude her irrational games.  Lawyers will do about anything for money.  When all is said and done, a judge won't likely side with her, she already hasn't gotten an early distribution of money, but she will spend thousands of dollars just to fight for her irrational logic on multiple matters.

What I had a hard time making sense of, was how a person with BPD could act fairly normal with certain people, but exhibit behavior of a monster to a chosen few, or a chosen person (usually family members). 

You might find this article on lying by Randi Kreger interesting:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

She has been unable (unwilling?) to work for most of her life and has been supported by my 80 year old mother, who is convinced she is to blame for my BPDsis's condition and the fact that her life has not been satisfying.

How is it that your mother feels she it the blame? 

We had another big fight last night and I am exhausted and dismayed. I feel powerless and at her mercy.

How are you in contact with your sister, by phone?  Is she living with your mother?  Are your parents still married?

Depending on where you are, when your sister and you are on a verge of a fight, you can enforce certain BOUNDARIES.  If she calls you late at night, don't take the call.  If you take the call and she starts in with her lies, excuse yourself for some reason, and terminate the call.  You might want to prepare some responses in advance.  If all else fails and you are at a loss for how to get out of further conversation, say "got to go to the bathroom, must have been something I ate"

[InPain66]

Thank you everyone, this is so helpful, I am grateful to have found this site and for your insights and suggestions.