Stuck in difficult situation

[Wife of a fp]

Hi

I am a new member here and have already read on this website for months. I hope some of you are willing to help me.

I have welcomed someone into my home who most likely has borderline. He absolutely admires and adores my husband and cannot live without him, which puts strain on my husband, me and our family. I have found myself in a lot of difficult situations with this person. I have never known if this person cared about me or not. He has probably devalued me now.

So many bad things have happened that my relation and family are falling apart. A couple of weeks ago I crashed. My husband, kids and me cannot end contact with this person so I really am lost right now.

I am afraid to put down the (very long) story here because I fear the repercussions. I already find myself in an impossible position as hated person. I cannot risk anyone of his family reading this.

Would anyone of you who has BPD or a lot of experience with BPD be willing to read my story in a private message? I don't know if that's allowed.

I have read a lot on the internet about fps, but nothing on what happens to the family of a fp.

Does this person care about me or not at all? Is he jealous of the attention my husband gives me?

How do I get myself out of a very tricky situation I have gotten into?

If anyone can help me with this, please send me a private message.

Thank you a lot already.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI  Wife of a fp;

Welcome to BPD Family!   

It can be difficult to make your first post, but congrats, you did it!   You are safe here.  No one knows who you are or where you live. So many stories sound familiar and something about that can offer us some comfort, by knowing that other are dealing with similar situations. You are very smart to reach out for some help!

The focus on this website is to avoid telling our stories via PM's.  The benefit here is in sharing and discussing our situations in an open environment.  That way, we all learn and become part of a team.  Several minds are generally better than one or two.

Unfortunately, we can't change another person, but we can change the way we interact and react to the person.  Were you able to discuss the situation with your husband after "you crashed"?  Do you think your husband is willing to join forces with using joint boundaries and strategy with this person?

Sounds like you may have been "split black" by the person in your household?  The Link below might be helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

I think we can proceed with discussing this in a safe manner for you.  One approach is to tackle issues in small measures, with sharing what you feel comfortable in small measures.  What do you think?

[ArleighBurke]

It's very difficult to understand the dynamic of what you are living through.

You say you can't discontinue contact with this person, but you invited them to live in your home. If it is breaking your family apart, is there a way they can leave? Perhaps you can find alternative accomodation for them somethere else? Even if you still have to interact with them everyday, not living with you gives you SOME room... .

[Wife of a fp]

Hi



"K" does not live in our home. He has a bad relationship with his brother and didn't see his nephews very often any more. He started out as a buddy of my husband. It clicked very well with me too and our children. Because he seemed so fragile and came from a broken home, I wanted to give him a warm home.

It didn't take long before "K", who is gay and has a partner, got very attached to my husband. He wanted my husband to say he loved him, demanded that my husband spend more time with him. "K" kept asking for attention from my husband and they had endless conversations about this. My husband went along in these, which I never understood. My husband cannot set boundaries in any area. "K" soon called my husband his brother and a soulmate.

I did a lot for "K" because I loved him. Whatever I did, I Always got the response "why can't your husband do that?" or "your husband knows I need that". When I confronted "K" with this, he said that the stupid thing was he already expected me to do all those nice things. When "K" and my husband had the zillionth argument (my husband is very easy going and never has issues with anyone), my husband couldn't deal with it anymore and wanted to end it. I stopped him because I loved "K".

My intuition told me that "K" didn't care much about me. "K" and I got along very well and had contact every day, sometimes for an hour long. At one occasion, he bought presents for my kids and a very expensive gadget for my husband so my husband would contact him more. Nothing for me.

He put pictures up in his house of my husband and my children, not of me. I got upset. Then he got upset. Said he didn't have a photo of me. Said that this time I had to go over to his house to show I cared. When I called him, it was all about my husband again, how he was afraid to lose my husband.

When I told him that these photos hurt me, he never replaced them. When I asked "K" if he loved me, he said that these were serious words and you only say them when you mean them. He avoided the question. At the same time, my husband told "K" that we had a good time at a party. "K" got angry with me and said that noone in the world did more for me than him, yet some moron at a party could make me happier. He told my husband he cared more about me than I thought. Yet, in his actions, he very often showed the opposite.

"K" kept telling my husband he loves him, that my husband is great, buys him gifts, goes to places he knows my husband will be.

My husband suddenly started caring more about "K".

After more stuff that happened between me and "K", I lost my trust in him. When we had a quarrel (I usually don't have quarrels with anyone), I lost his appreciation. When I said that he and my husband had all these quarrels and they were fine, he replied "well yes, but I love your husband way more". He compared me to a friend he had only known for some months and put us on the same level. Ouch. If he would have the same experience with that friend, he would end the friendship with that friend, but not with me. Said he valued me more earlier, but that changed because he saw me less. All the good things I had done, seemed to be forgotten. He wanted to work on our relationship, but it would be a long journey.

A couple of months later he said to me "Things evolved positively with your husband, negatively with you". All these things he said and did, kept pushing me further away.

[Wife of a fp]

Because he thought I hated him, he wanted to cut me out of his life, which of course upset me again. After I told him I loved him, he made a click and was glad that we were making a new start.

At the next occasion, he bought presents for my husband and children, not me for some reason. This was again proof to me he didn't care. I said I didn't want to see him anymore. He thought I meant forgood. He came to my house after wandering around, talked about suicide. After that, things were awkward. He told my husband he put me in the freezer and he didn't consider me as a friend anymore, just as the wife of and mother of. He would never ignore me or shut me out.

Then I unwillingly did something that hurt him. Soon after, he hung a photoframe in his house of his partner, my husband, my kids, some old and new friends. Not me. Ripped my heart out. He said he thought he didn't care anymore, but apparently he did. I asked if he also did this to his other friends. He said that it was different. He saw me more and I was the wife of his best friend and he mother of the chilren he loves. He couldn't explain it. He said he hadn't done it on purpose. He was surpised I reacted so badly and put a picture of me in the frame the following day to take me into consideration.

The psychologist I had to consult because I couldn't process things anymore, told me she suspected the same as me, that he has highfuntioning borderline. She said that I loved him, but that he would never love me back and that I should keep my distance. Due to all the hurt, I suddenly let go and didn't feel the need to contact him anymore. We haven't had much contact for months.

In the mean time, arguments started with my husband as well because my husband always goes to "K" when "K" needs him, even though then he lets me or the kids down. When he doesn't do what "K" wants, the repercussions will be greater than if he doesn't do what I want. My husband feels torn between "K" and I. My husband cannot set boundaries and thus drags me into situations I don't want or agree to. My husband and I never have quarrels, but had so many arguments the last year. After all the friction and arguments and bizarre situations between everyone, I crashed. My relationship with my husband was falling apart. Our kids heard us fight. So I demanded my husband cut all ties between our family and "K". I was just desperate. This did not happen eventually and now I am probably the villain. "K" told me things would never work anymore between us after everything that happened, but I have to stay in contact. We act normal when we see each other. I don't get the impression he hates me.

My husband does not believe "K" may have borderline, nor does he care. I have told "K" I think he might have borderline, but he absolutely denies this.

I still care about "K" and still love him, but he has so much dependence on my husband it causes problems. "K" himself says that their relationship is not normal, but that he is proud of it.

Does this sound like borderline?

Did "K" ever care about me? Did he only care about me because I am the wife of his favourite person? Did he keep in contact with me so often because I was a link to my husband? Did he never care? I can give a lot of love, but do not want to waste it on someone who doesn't care.

Apparently "K" told my husband once he doesn't know what role to give me. My husband says "K" and I did a lot for each other, but that it didn't come across and that  we only hurt each other.

Did I take the right decision to keep my distance? Or did he actually care about me and have I hurt him by keeping distance?

Any insights on this story, certain details in my story, any advice what I should do now, would be greatly appreciated.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI Wife of a fp: 

I'm happy that you came back and were able to share some details. 

BPD behavior can be very perplexing.  When there are a certain number/combination of behaviors the label of BPD can be attached.  Most people have a behavior or two that is on the list of various disorders.  One way to approach the situation, is to not worry about the overall label of BPD, but to deal with the BPD like behaviors.



Have you read any books about BPD?  I found the "Stop Walking of Egg Shells" book helpful for me.  I bought a workbook, along with the book and went through a couple of the evaluations.  My sister matches the description of a high-functioning BPD.

Perhaps "K" is doing something referred to as "Splitting".  A person with BPD can split a person, and label them either "all good" or "all bad".  An event or situation can set the person off.  In my situation, with my undiagnosed BPD sister (uBPDS), she split me black (bad), when we had to work together in regard to the failing health of our soon to be deceased parents.  The links below might be helpful to more fully understand the traits of a BPD, splitting and communications. The communication skills in the Communications Overview are good tools to practice within normal relationships, but they can make a big difference when used with a BPD person.



Is it Borderline Personality Disorder?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

SPLITTING

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

COMMUNICATIONS OVERVIEW

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Check out these articles and come back and let us know what you think about possibly being split black.  The article on "Is it Borderline Personality Disorder" has a link within it to a list of borderline traits.  Which ones does "K" exhibit?

[Wife of a fp]

Hi Naughty Nibbler ( what a name  )

i have read a lot about borderline. I would say he shows six to seven of the traits. I recognise him in so much in what I read about borderline.

If he doesn't hear from someone for a while, he goes into kind of a mourning phase and says goodbye to that person.

I wouldn't be surprised if he split. He hated my husband at one point and then went back to utterly loving and adoring and it has stayed that way.

I think, if he does split, he can easily split back. One act of kindness I show him and he feels things are much better between us.

I still hope some of you are willing to read my story and tell me if they recognise some of the things he does and can give me advice.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wife of a fp

Hi Naughty Nibbler ( what a name  )

Sometimes, the naughty child with chocolate on her face describes me well  

If he doesn't hear from someone for a while, he goes into kind of a mourning phase and says goodbye to that person.

From my understanding, there is a fear of abandonment.  "all or nothing" thinking drives them unnecessarily into a worst case extreme.

I wouldn't be surprised if he split. He hated my husband at one point and then went back to utterly loving and adoring and it has stayed that way. I think, if he does split, he can easily split back. One act of kindness I show him and he feels things are much better between us.

I'm still learning about splitting.  After reading posts and tutorials here, I began to understand more of my sister's behavior and "splitting".  I've now recognized that my sister has split me on multiple occasions.  I now understand that the major stress of our parents declining health and eventual deaths threw her into significant BPD behavior and splitting events.

It can be baffling, but the pwBPD can jump back and forth in their splitting.  Everyone is unique, so if you had a positive experience with doing something nice for your person with BPD (pwBPD), then that might be a strategy for you to use in the future.  In my situation, I was completely painted black, with my sister giving me "the silent treatment".  After my dad broke his neck, she snapped out of it and I was split to white for a short period of time.  Then, a few weeks later, I'm back in the black again and I was blamed for my father's fall and his broken neck.

I still hope some of you are willing to read my story and tell me if they recognize some of the things he does and can give me advice.

The best approach to get more replies, is to break out small aspects of your story and ask for input on that aspect, or just vent about something in particular.  An example would be the "splitting" situation.  :)own the road, it could be in regard to practicing and implementing some of the suggested communication techniques referenced in the link above in an earlier post.  I'm beginning to think of it as taking a class and discussing something a chapter at a time.

[Wife of a fp]

Hi

I find the whole thing mind-boggling to be honest. All that hurt and this is just a friend. I can't imagine what it must be like for you guys.

Apart from the hurt, my self- confidence is torn to shreds from being the wife of a fp and being compared to the fp negatively. Witnessing my husband being placed upon a pedestal while I feel like cinderella. It has not proven beneficial for the relationship with my husband either. Unwillingly he contributes to my hurt.

I find it also hard to keep a distance from someone I was once close too. Or was I never close? Who will tell?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI WIFE OF A FP:

Being the wife of a "favorite person" (FP) can be as challenging as situations among family members where someone is painted white (all good) and perhaps another is painted black (all bad).  You can care about friends as deeply as you would a relative, and it can hurt as much.

 

Apart from the hurt, my self- confidence is torn to shreds from being the wife of a fp and being compared to the fp negatively. Witnessing my husband being placed upon a pedestal while I feel like cinderella. It has not proven beneficial for the relationship with my husband either. Unwillingly he contributes to my hurt.

Can you explain in what way does your husband contribute to your hurt?  Have you discussed it with him?

I've attached some links below that might help in interacting with your BPD friend.  Three links relate to a tactic called "Wise Mind" and the other one is a bit of a tutorial for alternative thoughts (emotional regulation skills).  Try some of these skills/techniques and let us know how they work for you.  Like with anything, practice make perfect.

Wise Mind

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=180322.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=185631.0

Finding Alternative Thoughts (Emotion Regulation Skills)

www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

[Wife of a fp]

Hi all

Would it be possible that K is jealous of me because my husband loves me more than he loves K? If he wants my husband all to himself, then I am in the way. If K is jealous of me, then he INTENTIONALLY hurt me all those times and maybe will KEEP hurting me?

This is too hard for me to cope. My husband is hurting me in this way as well by exposing me to this. He does not believe that K is capable of hurting people on purpose. So my husband will not protect me. He is hooked by K.

If K is neglecting me because he only has eyes for his favourite person, my husband, I can live with that.

If K deliberately hurts me, then I am set up for more disaster.

This is a person I love(d). Then I really should keep my distance and protect myself.

If K has deliberately hurt me, then this relationship is very destructive to me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI Wife of a fp

Sorry you are still having problems.  Sounds as if "K" still has you painted black.  Have you tried any of the communication skills from some of the lessons here?

Would it be possible that K is jealous of me because my husband loves me more than he loves K? If he wants my husband all to himself, then I am in the way.

It is quite possible that "K" is jealous.  Is it possible that "K" has a romantic interest in your husband?

If K is neglecting me because he only has eyes for his favorite person, my husband, I can live with that. 

Can you give a recent example of a way(s) "K" neglects you?  Is it that he ignores you?

If K has deliberately hurt me, then this relationship is very destructive to me. 

 

Can you get your husband to go to counseling with you?  Even if he only goes with you for a couple of sessions to discuss "K" together, it might be beneficial. It would be best if you and your husband could agree on boundaries and enforce them together in a united manner.

[Turkish]

Hi all

Would it be possible that K is jealous of me because my husband loves me more than he loves K?

It is,  and that,  of course,  is completely invalid and none of his business.

What's the age difference here? Do you view K (and your husband) as this being a father-son type relationship,  older brother-younger brother? 

[Wife of a fp]

My husband did go to a psychologist with me. The psychologist does think K has issues, but my husband does not believe this. He did promise to set boundaries now and admits he has done things that have gone too far. So things should improve in that aspect.

I don't think the relationship is romantic. He looks up to my husband. My husband guides him in a lot and K is glad someone is watching over him. So I think my husband is an older brother, father figure. The age difference is only a few years. He is not attracted to my husband. Actually, K is attracted to me. That is certain. He fancies women as well. I think he is afraid of women though or struggles with motherly figures perhaps.
 
I have to say K has been sweet for me on a lot of occasions and concerned about me. In the story above I have only described the more hurtful things. We really got along. He likes it when I take care of him. It is when he is angry with you, he does hurtful things. If he thinks you do not care about him or feels you will abandon him, he becomes indifferent or tries to push you away. He has been angry or indifferent towards my husband often too. He has said or done hurtful things to my husband as well. K had a period as well where he was indifferent to my husband and wanted to cut my husband out of his life. K said to me he hated my husband at that time. K had bought a gift for my husband and didn't want to give it until months later. K has always confided in me about those things and I helped K and my husband.
 
It has taken a year before K could probably trust my husband or sensed that my husband started caring about him and arguments stopped between them. I think K can only get attached to someone who is constantly present in his life and is a caretaker.
K told my husband last year he really wanted to make it work with me just like he made it work with my husband. He said my husband had to help him with that just like I had always been the referee between the two of them and tried to help them get a better relationship. K said he had an up and down relationship with my husband and they finally achieved something steady. K also wanted to achieve something steady with me. I think K did feel fairly safe with me, but after something happened, his abandonment issues were triggered perhaps. Or something triggered him. After a year that we knew K, he said he never let people close to him, that my husband and I were the exception.

My psychologist thinks he is not jealous of me. So this one is really hard to figure out.
When K did hurtful things to my husband, my husband just shrugged this off. When K did hurtful things to me, they really hurt me and I took it personal. So I took a distance.
After the last time K hurt me, I told K I would not do sweet things for him anymore and keep a distance. K said that this was not the intention. So I don't know if these hurtful things might have been a lot of tests to see if I would stay just like he did with my husband.