Can't believe I did this again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First, I'll be clear my current ex who this is about is undiagnosed, my ex prior was diagnosed BPD.

I ignored all the red flags 5 months ago when we first started dating. I thought I was just being paranoid after spending two years with a woman who was diagnosed. I imagine this happens to a lot of us after a breakup. I just didn't want to reject anyone for me being what I saw as me being possibly dramatic.

My current undiagnosed ex displayed so many boarderline qualities that were just unreal. When the immaturity became more apparent and the childish behaviors were taking over I tried to end things and she constantly called and texted and eventually convinced me to try again.

A week after that she begged for me to take her back. I later found out during that week we were broken up she smeared me to her brother and roommate. telling them all these awful things I supposedly said about them. These things that "I said" we're things she said me about them and I listened while she vented (I may have agreed with some points she was making) but I would never talk badly about someone's family.

After we got back together she told me she made a mistake and told them these terrible things and how we would need to keep it a secret while she figured out how to fix things.

We had an amazing week together, she even called me and told me how much she loved me the night before she ended things. She then texted me the next morning saying "I can't fix this, I'm so crazy in love with you but I can't keep hiding us. I can't tell them I lied. Please don't contact them and tell Them"

I told her to take care of herself. That I was sorry we couldn't work it out.

Today I logged on to my Instagram and noticed she never removed me. I'm not really one to use it so I didn't even realize I never removed her a month ago (when we broke up) I never removed her either because I just don't use it.

She's now posting pics now of her and her new boyfriend. I can admit a good looking guy but this guy is a MAJOR downgrade. To top it off, he used to be old friends with my brother. She lives an hour away from my hometown so either it's a small world or she went out of her way to find someone from my town.

The even weirder thing? She's deleted all of our pics and is currently posting pics with her new boyfriend in all the places we used to go. The pics are almost identical, she's in the same positions, even one of them is the same outfit.

I'm done with her, I don't want her back but I'm really scared of her getting mad when she sees this isn't effecting me. Maybe he'll keep her happy longer but from my experience with boarderlines, this isn't the end.

Tonight I received 5 blocked calls on my phone. They all rang to voicemail and no message left. Could be a coincidence! I just am scared I'm going to be painted white again and she'll be back with a vengeance.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

First, I'll be clear my current ex who this is about is undiagnosed, my ex prior was diagnosed BPD.

I ignored all the red flags 5 months ago when we first started dating. I thought I was just being paranoid after spending two years with a woman who was diagnosed. I imagine this happens to a lot of us after a breakup. I just didn't want to reject anyone for me being what I saw as me being possibly dramatic.

My current undiagnosed ex displayed so many boarderline qualities that were just unreal. When the immaturity became more apparent and the childish behaviors were taking over I tried to end things and she constantly called and texted and eventually convinced me to try again.

A week after that she begged for me to take her back. I later found out during that week we were broken up she smeared me to her brother and roommate. telling them all these awful things I supposedly said about them. These things that "I said" we're things she said me about them and I listened while she vented (I may have agreed with some points she was making) but I would never talk badly about someone's family.

After we got back together she told me she made a mistake and told them these terrible things and how we would need to keep it a secret while she figured out how to fix things.

We had an amazing week together, she even called me and told me how much she loved me the night before she ended things. She then texted me the next morning saying "I can't fix this, I'm so crazy in love with you but I can't keep hiding us. I can't tell them I lied. Please don't contact them and tell Them"

I told her to take care of herself. That I was sorry we couldn't work it out.

Today I logged on to my Instagram and noticed she never removed me. I'm not really one to use it so I didn't even realize I never removed her a month ago (when we broke up) I never removed her either because I just don't use it.

She's now posting pics now of her and her new boyfriend. I can admit a good looking guy but this guy is a MAJOR downgrade. To top it off, he used to be old friends with my brother. She lives an hour away from my hometown so either it's a small world or she went out of her way to find someone from my town.

The even weirder thing? She's deleted all of our pics and is currently posting pics with her new boyfriend in all the places we used to go. The pics are almost identical, she's in the same positions, even one of them is the same outfit.

I'm done with her, I don't want her back but I'm really scared of her getting mad when she sees this isn't effecting me. Maybe he'll keep her happy longer but from my experience with boarderlines, this isn't the end.

Tonight I received 5 blocked calls on my phone. They all rang to voicemail and no message left. Could be a coincidence! I just am scared I'm going to be painted white again and she'll be back with a vengeance.

[gotbushels]

Hi OopsIDidItAgain 

Thank you for sharing your story. Dealing with not one but two possible BPDs consecutively, I'd imagine, is tiring and disconcerting. This can be especially so if we expect to come into the "real relationship world" without BPD interractions--many of us go to unusual efforts to become self-aware, even going overboard and risking rejecting excess amounts of interpersonal relationships. I think this is the same as you even mentioning this as a fear of being "possibly dramatic".

Most of us don't want to again be involved with a personality that is like our exs' personalities.

Maybe he'll keep her happy longer but from my experience with boarderlines, this isn't the end.

Do you have a basic idea in mind as to how you will respond if she persists / shows up at your doorstep?

I look forward to hearing more about your experience. I'm glad to see that you're in a place where you acknowledge the unhealthy nature of the relationship and are being at least clear about your feelings (or current absence of them).

Enjoy your weekend 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

That's the thing, I'm just banking on her not showing up but it's in the back of my mind.

My diagnosed ex started to get therapy after we broke up and she's managing very well. Every now and then she plays a mind game but I'm very friendly with her when she does and when she realizes I'm not feeding in, she kinda goes away for a month and comes back calling texting with a random question she knows the answer to. I engage her because I know she's trying to help herself and I'm disconnected and resize she's not the one for me. I also view her as dramatic but harmless. She's never done anything to ruin or hurt anyone.

I just don't trust the current one. I know she's going to contact again it's a gut feeling. 

[gotbushels]

I engage her because I know she's trying to help herself and I'm disconnected and resize she's not the one for me. I also view her as dramatic but harmless. She's never done anything to ruin or hurt anyone.

I admire that. 

That's the thing, I'm just banking on her not showing up but it's in the back of my mind.

It might help to have plan. Sometimes putting it down on paper removes it from the back of one's mind. I wrote a similar plan on my phone, I found it helpful for the nagging feeling.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I might just be being paranoid. I just find it very weird she found someone in matter of 3 weeks of her being "so in love with me", on top of that she found someone from my hometown who knows my brother.  My hometown is an hour away from her.

This guy isn't her "type" at her so I don't know if he's someone to make me jealous or someone she sees as a person she can manipulate. I just hope it's all coincidence and she's moved on.

What are some things I can do? Just ignore her?

[gotbushels]

Yes, ignoring her is a choice you can make. You mentioned you're not affected, but you're afraid of being painted white and that she will be "back with a vengeance". These might allow you to create some other responses. You might still choose to ignore her.

If you think outright NC is the best thing for you, and it may very well be given this is the second BP you have been involved with, I'd consider that's fair too. From there I'd consider working on your prevention and self-inquiry steps so you don't get involved in a similar relationship, which seems to be what you want. 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

The way I see it is even if she were to say "let's fix things, take me back!" Or even "let's be friends" I just don't see the relationship or friendship going anywhere. I don't have a desire to try again on any aspect. I don't want to withhold myself from anyone but I mean I'm an adult and I can choose who I want to keep the company of. Plus NC is so crucial with BPD.

Yea, I think NC might be the best for me. If she bumps into me I'll be cordial and human but I don't just see a future as even friends.

My big question is removing her from my instagram... Should I do it now? Will this make it look like I'm engaging by removing her? Like I'm doing it because it so painful to look? I don't want her to think she's making me jealous because her "winning" seems so important.

[SoMadSoSad]

Regardless of what she thinks, deleting her should be for you. By worrying about what she thinks she still has some hold on you. Besides some BPD might make up their own reality anyway where whatever you do she will be winning in  her head.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

My worry is that it'll cause more backlash. At the same time, you're right. She's off!

[gotbushels]

Besides some BPD might make up their own reality anyway where whatever you do she will be winning in  her head.

Rofl. Yes--and sympathies where due--sometimes it's best not to play.