Disrespecting myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

When I look back on everything, what I hate the most is how much I disrespect myself. How much I tried. How much I fought for someone I didn't even want to be with.

Why did I do it? Because the abuse she was putting me through. Because the second she said we should break up, I knew I was in for hell. And because of how much she disrespected me, over and over again.

I was never fighting for my ex, or to get her back. I was always fighting to be treated with what I knew I deserved. I knew that *I* was the one "worth leaving", I knew that I deserved to be in a better relationship, I knew that I deserved respect, I knew that my feelings were so relevant. And in all the chaos, that is what I was fighting for.

What I hate the most, is what I gave my ex that she didn't deserve. Because I hate more than anything how it filled her mild with grand ideas about herself, that were beyond not true. I hate how I disrespected myself, and I hate how that filled her with a false sense of pride.

But then when I go even a step later, I realize what I hate the most is how SHE disrespected me. How she cut me over and over, and so many times, that I didn't even have time to catch my breath. That I didn't have time between pain and pain, to even be able to pull myself together. And that she would rather throw me under the bus for some false idea about herself--making herself more lost in a deeply broken psychological state.

I hate the waste. I hate the waste that these people cause. That a simple and true "I'm sorry" could remedy so many things, and yet they waste whole years of relationships.

So when I look back on this, I can see how I disrespected myself. I can see how I poured out way too much. I can see how I most certainly have a choice, when I thought I didn't. But I can also see that I was abused. I was disrespected. I was forced to feel horrific pain for doing right, not wrong. And I was forced into a dumpster, to watch a person I had only cared for, to skip off into "Happily ever after". And yes, I did fight too hard, and I did disrespect myself. But it was because I was caught between an impossible choice, and I WAS trying to respect myself, I WAS trying to make my pain end.

I disrespected myself by being with this person. I see that now. But at the time, the idea of who I was with was a sign of my personal respect didn't even register on my radar. I was too busy trying to give people the best in life, and loving people I thought needed it. Should I feel wrong for this? No. Should I get more beat up in feeling shame about myself? No. I made a mistake because I was trying to do my best. How cruel of a reality check is that? I disrespected myself because I was trying to overcome the abuse someone else was inflicting upon me.

There is so much I have learned from this. But I think there is two categories, and only two that we need to consider in this. Because this is a gift, yet it becomes a curse when that shame further buries into us. What we get to learn from this is 1. Goodness for ourselves. Where we are FREE to take up happiness, love, peace. But I think so often we can get beaten up in our healing for what we haven't done, instead of fully accepting ourselves in the opportunity we have. This is not a punishment, this isn't a failure. This is our opportunity to finally grasp all the things in life we have wanted. 2. Stand back from this. I think we and other people are severely mistaken when we see some "part" of ours in this (unless of course, you truly feel you have done wrong.) But there are many people here who did no wrong. The only wrong we have done is against ourselves. Stand back. And don't think you are failing some progression in your life because you are allowing fault to fall where it belongs.

I disrespected myself by letting my ex treat me like that. But really, SHE is the one who disrespected me. And I knew the second I stepped away she would be off with someone else. So I was facing horrible pain, no matter which way I turned. And SHE did that to me. SHE put me into that situation. Recognizing that doesn't mean I am not taking responsibility for the things in my life. In fact, I can not take responsibility correctly in my life if I'm so overloaded with other people's!

Allow yourself a break. These people are f***ing impossible. You did your best. You're not perfect, haha and even if you were, it wouldn't matter. Allow yourself to know where fault lies. For a long time I felt wrong about so many things, but that kept me trapped. I use to feel bad for so many things, but that guilt isn't mine, it's how she tried to make me feel. And for whatever reason, I allowed myself to take it. But I found it even harder to stop taking it in my healing journey, because people made me feel like I needed to "take responsibility". How maddening!

What I hate in all of this is how I disrespected myself. How I stayed with a person I couldn't bare being around. How I allowed myself to take on more when my ex accused me. And how I fought to understand. But I also hate how much I judged myself for being so effected by this. For letting other people judge me in my healing. And for letting other people further my ex's lies, that I should some how feel bad for something I didn't do. When all I EVER needed, was validation. Was to get these lies OFF. To know my worth is more.

It's like everything becomes a trap. We disrespect ourselves being in this, then for taking on false accusations, then for needing to heal and judging ourselves, then for the time it takes to heal we put ourselves down. It's a cycle that can only go down and down. So tell all the Know Betters to promptly f*** off.

I know that I hate how I have disrespected myself. Ugh, I think back to what I "gave" this person, and I can't really think of anything I hate more. I think it is quite literally the biggest mistake I have made in my life. But I need to remember in that, who was doing the abuse. Who was really disrespecting who. And really, I need to let myself off the hook. Because if not, that hook truly only sinks deeper.

Yeah, I let someone blame me for all of their problems. Yeah, I let myself start to believe lies about myself. Yeah, I fought for someone I had zero respect for. But is this my actual character? No. Until you know about BPD, it's almost impossible to get out from under all of this crap. It's trying to make sense of madness. I hate what I did. But I did it because I was in an impossible situation, and I'm sick of being beaten up for that.

This is a horrible situation, and it is made worse with feeling some obligation to things we have NO obligation to. Really, all I needed to know TWO YEARS AGO is that my ex is 1. Crazy. 2. With reap the consequence for what she's done to me. 3. I am the good, loving, unique, valuable person I knew I was. That's it. But instead I was made to feel wrong for needing those very things.

Like I was somehow wrong for knowing my ex is crazy? Right, crazy is not a nice word? Well, it fits when the person is c.R.a.Z.y. It's not a judgement. It is fact, when it is a fact. And it's a sad fact for both parties involved. But I am not some a$$hole for needing to acknowledge the truth to myself, so I can simply move on.

Needing to know that my ex will reap the consequences to her actions--that is justice. I don't need to wish my ex well. If I had a break up with someone who treated me well, then yeah, wishing them well is a good thing. But I do not need to further give more to somebody who has practically taken the life out of me. That goes again into the category of disrespecting myself. Do I need to wish my ex a direct road to hell in a hand basket? No. But no one here is wrong for wanting justice for the wrong that's been done to them. Stop making people feel bad for it if you're one who does it. Wanting justice for yourself means you value yourself. It means you're worth valuing. And it doesn't mean you are caught up in some "unforgiveness" darkening your heart with wretched bitterness. It means YOU know the difference between right and wrong. And it means you know you were wronged. That is h.e.a.l.t.h.y.

Needing to know the truth about myself was what I needed to know, but instead I got buried with so many backwards ideas about responsibility, and made to basically fear that I wasn't healing correctly. When the very truth is that I needed to see how I had NOT done wrong. And esp in the case of this type of abuse, I needed to invalidate this person's accusations, and validate myself. And I esp needed to be able to see that I was the loving, and good partner that I had worked years to be. That I had some self-respect issues, but YAY now I get to work on those for myself. What I needed in healing was to focus on myself, people constantly telling me that, and yet then people started telling me how I needed to have some "understanding" for my ex? Huh? The whole entire problem is that I was throwing flowers at someone who was abusing me, and now you're telling me I need to throw more flowers? I am not saying I can't understand, I do. And I have ZERO respect for my ex, because she chooses this every day. So stop telling me to basically respect somebody who's ACTIONS deem them unworthy of any respect. Their choices are what make them unworthy of respect, not my perception. My perception is spot f***ing on. Or are we going to tell me to trust my gut, but then tell me I'm wrong for doing so?

This rant is at no one particular. It's at all the records in my head from all the outside crap I have faced. I'm sharing it to share where I am at, and hopefully shed light on these contradictions and things that in our healing, continue to hold us back. Truly, this is isn't at anyone particular, but it is at so many people that have hindered me in so many areas of my life.

That said, in this post I do not welcome conflicting views. This post is for what I am going through, and for those who might feel similarly.

[HoneyB33]

When I look back on everything, what I hate the most is how much I disrespect myself. How much I tried. How much I fought for someone I didn't even want to be with.

Why did I do it? Because the abuse she was putting me through. Because the second she said we should break up, I knew I was in for hell. And because of how much she disrespected me, over and over again.

I was never fighting for my ex, or to get her back. I was always fighting to be treated with what I knew I deserved. I knew that *I* was the one "worth leaving", I knew that I deserved to be in a better relationship, I knew that I deserved respect, I knew that my feelings were so relevant. And in all the chaos, that is what I was fighting for.

What I hate the most, is what I gave my ex that she didn't deserve. Because I hate more than anything how it filled her mild with grand ideas about herself, that were beyond not true. I hate how I disrespected myself, and I hate how that filled her with a false sense of pride.

But then when I go even a step later, I realize what I hate the most is how SHE disrespected me. How she cut me over and over, and so many times, that I didn't even have time to catch my breath. That I didn't have time between pain and pain, to even be able to pull myself together. And that she would rather throw me under the bus for some false idea about herself--making herself more lost in a deeply broken psychological state.

I hate the waste. I hate the waste that these people cause. That a simple and true "I'm sorry" could remedy so many things, and yet they waste whole years of relationships.

So when I look back on this, I can see how I disrespected myself. I can see how I poured out way too much. I can see how I most certainly have a choice, when I thought I didn't. But I can also see that I was abused. I was disrespected. I was forced to feel horrific pain for doing right, not wrong. And I was forced into a dumpster, to watch a person I had only cared for, to skip off into "Happily ever after". And yes, I did fight too hard, and I did disrespect myself. But it was because I was caught between an impossible choice, and I WAS trying to respect myself, I WAS trying to make my pain end.

I disrespected myself by being with this person. I see that now. But at the time, the idea of who I was with was a sign of my personal respect didn't even register on my radar. I was too busy trying to give people the best in life, and loving people I thought needed it. Should I feel wrong for this? No. Should I get more beat up in feeling shame about myself? No. I made a mistake because I was trying to do my best. How cruel of a reality check is that? I disrespected myself because I was trying to overcome the abuse someone else was inflicting upon me.

There is so much I have learned from this. But I think there is two categories, and only two that we need to consider in this. Because this is a gift, yet it becomes a curse when that shame further buries into us. What we get to learn from this is 1. Goodness for ourselves. Where we are FREE to take up happiness, love, peace. But I think so often we can get beaten up in our healing for what we haven't done, instead of fully accepting ourselves in the opportunity we have. This is not a punishment, this isn't a failure. This is our opportunity to finally grasp all the things in life we have wanted. 2. Stand back from this. I think we and other people are severely mistaken when we see some "part" of ours in this (unless of course, you truly feel you have done wrong.) But there are many people here who did no wrong. The only wrong we have done is against ourselves. Stand back. And don't think you are failing some progression in your life because you are allowing fault to fall where it belongs.

I disrespected myself by letting my ex treat me like that. But really, SHE is the one who disrespected me. And I knew the second I stepped away she would be off with someone else. So I was facing horrible pain, no matter which way I turned. And SHE did that to me. SHE put me into that situation. Recognizing that doesn't mean I am not taking responsibility for the things in my life. In fact, I can not take responsibility correctly in my life if I'm so overloaded with other people's!

Allow yourself a break. These people are f***ing impossible. You did your best. You're not perfect, haha and even if you were, it wouldn't matter. Allow yourself to know where fault lies. For a long time I felt wrong about so many things, but that kept me trapped. I use to feel bad for so many things, but that guilt isn't mine, it's how she tried to make me feel. And for whatever reason, I allowed myself to take it. But I found it even harder to stop taking it in my healing journey, because people made me feel like I needed to "take responsibility". How maddening!

What I hate in all of this is how I disrespected myself. How I stayed with a person I couldn't bare being around. How I allowed myself to take on more when my ex accused me. And how I fought to understand. But I also hate how much I judged myself for being so effected by this. For letting other people judge me in my healing. And for letting other people further my ex's lies, that I should some how feel bad for something I didn't do. When all I EVER needed, was validation. Was to get these lies OFF. To know my worth is more.

It's like everything becomes a trap. We disrespect ourselves being in this, then for taking on false accusations, then for needing to heal and judging ourselves, then for the time it takes to heal we put ourselves down. It's a cycle that can only go down and down. So tell all the Know Betters to promptly f*** off.

I know that I hate how I have disrespected myself. Ugh, I think back to what I "gave" this person, and I can't really think of anything I hate more. I think it is quite literally the biggest mistake I have made in my life. But I need to remember in that, who was doing the abuse. Who was really disrespecting who. And really, I need to let myself off the hook. Because if not, that hook truly only sinks deeper.

Yeah, I let someone blame me for all of their problems. Yeah, I let myself start to believe lies about myself. Yeah, I fought for someone I had zero respect for. But is this my actual character? No. Until you know about BPD, it's almost impossible to get out from under all of this crap. It's trying to make sense of madness. I hate what I did. But I did it because I was in an impossible situation, and I'm sick of being beaten up for that.

This is a horrible situation, and it is made worse with feeling some obligation to things we have NO obligation to. Really, all I needed to know TWO YEARS AGO is that my ex is 1. Crazy. 2. With reap the consequence for what she's done to me. 3. I am the good, loving, unique, valuable person I knew I was. That's it. But instead I was made to feel wrong for needing those very things.

Like I was somehow wrong for knowing my ex is crazy? Right, crazy is not a nice word? Well, it fits when the person is c.R.a.Z.y. It's not a judgement. It is fact, when it is a fact. And it's a sad fact for both parties involved. But I am not some a$$hole for needing to acknowledge the truth to myself, so I can simply move on.

Needing to know that my ex will reap the consequences to her actions--that is justice. I don't need to wish my ex well. If I had a break up with someone who treated me well, then yeah, wishing them well is a good thing. But I do not need to further give more to somebody who has practically taken the life out of me. That goes again into the category of disrespecting myself. Do I need to wish my ex a direct road to hell in a hand basket? No. But no one here is wrong for wanting justice for the wrong that's been done to them. Stop making people feel bad for it if you're one who does it. Wanting justice for yourself means you value yourself. It means you're worth valuing. And it doesn't mean you are caught up in some "unforgiveness" darkening your heart with wretched bitterness. It means YOU know the difference between right and wrong. And it means you know you were wronged. That is h.e.a.l.t.h.y.

Needing to know the truth about myself was what I needed to know, but instead I got buried with so many backwards ideas about responsibility, and made to basically fear that I wasn't healing correctly. When the very truth is that I needed to see how I had NOT done wrong. And esp in the case of this type of abuse, I needed to invalidate this person's accusations, and validate myself. And I esp needed to be able to see that I was the loving, and good partner that I had worked years to be. That I had some self-respect issues, but YAY now I get to work on those for myself. What I needed in healing was to focus on myself, people constantly telling me that, and yet then people started telling me how I needed to have some "understanding" for my ex? Huh? The whole entire problem is that I was throwing flowers at someone who was abusing me, and now you're telling me I need to throw more flowers? I am not saying I can't understand, I do. And I have ZERO respect for my ex, because she chooses this every day. So stop telling me to basically respect somebody who's ACTIONS deem them unworthy of any respect. Their choices are what make them unworthy of respect, not my perception. My perception is spot f***ing on. Or are we going to tell me to trust my gut, but then tell me I'm wrong for doing so?

This rant is at no one particular. It's at all the records in my head from all the outside crap I have faced. I'm sharing it to share where I am at, and hopefully shed light on these contradictions and things that in our healing, continue to hold us back. Truly, this is isn't at anyone particular, but it is at so many people that have hindered me in so many areas of my life.

That said, in this post I do not welcome conflicting views. This post is for what I am going through, and for those who might feel similarly.

[joeramabeme]

HoneyB33

I read all of it!  AWESOME!  You are in touch with your anger, hooray!  Wished I could have gotten this deep with all of it a lot sooner.   

I agree with much of what you are saying; no need to toss any more flowers at your ex; they don't need your well wishes to move on.  And to the degree that your anger helps you acknowledge the truth of your relationship, it is healthy.  But don't hold onto it for too long. 

Regarding the business about this being a gift and you taking responsibility; there is some truth in all of that.  You stayed with it long past the time you should have left, for the wrong reasons and got hurt - badly.

All of us have these wounds, scabs and scars; they hurt - bad!  And take time to heal.  Part of that pain was caused by our own decisions.

When the very truth is that I needed to see how I had NOT done wrong. And esp in the case of this type of abuse, I needed to invalidate this person's accusations, and validate myself. And I esp needed to be able to see that I was the loving, and good partner that I had worked years to be. That I had some self-respect issues, but YAY now I get to work on those for myself. What I needed in healing was to focus on myself, people constantly telling me that, and yet then people started telling me how I needed to have some "understanding" for my ex? Huh? The whole entire problem is that I was throwing flowers at someone who was abusing me, and now you're telling me I need to throw more flowers? I am not saying I can't understand, I do. And I have ZERO respect for my ex, because she chooses this every day. So stop telling me to basically respect somebody who's ACTIONS deem them unworthy of any respect. Their choices are what make them unworthy of respect, not my perception. My perception is spot f***ing on. Or are we going to tell me to trust my gut, but then tell me I'm wrong for doing so?

As you say, you did not do anything wrong to precipitate being abused - it is never the victims fault.  I think the heart of the introspection is to inquire what took so long to move on and why we chose these people to begin with to ensure we do not do it again. 

If there is anything "conflicting" in this reply it is this: Abusers have profiles and Victims do as well.  I think the question is, what are your profile traits and what can be done to address them?

Also, you needn't respect your ex, I have never read that here or in any of the literature.

We have no choices except what we choose for ourselves.  Hopefully you will choose to accept the injustices that you experienced, see whatever parts of yourself that can be changed and then move forward as best and quickly as possible. 

Let your truth hang out - it will lead you to where you need to go.

JRB

[gotbushels]

Hi HoneyB33  

Great job.    I haven't got anything fabulous to add here but a few thoughts that would validate your understanding with a similar perspective.

Just politely... .it seems like you're judging yourself a whole lot. That's fine because you seemed to have worked through it through your post. The great thing about your post is that you are going through solving the judgment you're feeling.

What might help is that you didn't know, couldn't have known, and pwBPDs even may prevent you from knowing. You didn't know an "appropriate" level of self-respect and respect from a significant other you ought to have had.

But if you didn't know, and you see the difference in your position now--compared to then--I think it's easier to see that more as sadness than hate. You can still blame things on people for another person's behaviours, but it allows you to be sad for yourself rather than hating on your behaviours.

Next thing, and I'm cautious about dwelling with the hate (you used it a lot during your post), I want to hold out that you described hate upon behaviours--not you or the pwBPD. That's fantastic.  

I really enjoyed reading your exploration HoneyB33. I'm hopeful for you to not tolerate that sort of disrespect from another person in the future.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Nice rant Honey!  Your keyboard took a beating on that one, and good for you!

While you're feeling what you must feel right now, where do you think you are in the 5 stages of detachment over there --------> ?

[heartandwhole]

Hi HoneyB33,

Rant about the injustice of it all and take your power back! That is a healthy part of the grieving process and I commend you for putting it out there. 

I can understand and relate to a lot of what you wrote. Keep feeling, keep inquiring, and keep writing. We're listening and supporting your growth.

heartandwhole

[Narkiss]

Honey: you deserve so much more! You deserve someone who can love and understand and care you you also. BPDs are bottomless pits of need and we throw ourselves in them to make them happy and make the relationship work. It's like we get into a mindset that it is our responsibility. Because we know at some level that many (most of them) are incapable of it. They just can't. And if they did, I don't think they'd know how.

Narkiss

[cherryblossom]

 

From my experience I have learned I have self defeating traits and I am going to ensure I tackle them full on to the extreme, I will never disrespect mySELF ever ever again. No matter what I did or how much hope I had, he turned on me and burnt bridges -why did I put myself through it? Never again. I think foo issues have a part to play x

[Mars22]

Great exposition HoneyB33. After 6 months I'm coming around to realizing that, I did in fact disrespect myself too and against my better judgement... Her family and friends ALL disrespected me actually. They all validated her emotional musings and I was left looking like bad guy, was called 'cocky' and was labeled a dishonest, untrustworthy cheater. When in reality... I was nothing of the sort. Just crazy to be accused of such nonsense! And they almost had me believe it to. Its all seems so embarrassing to me now as well. How could just easily play the fool like that?

My whole life I've been kind, respectful and humorous and happy with everybody. Always giving without expecting and this r/s was no different. To be told what a horrible bf I was over and over and going insane because it made no F&^k'in sense! While accepting and validating her horrid behavior? and for what? To be in sub par r/s? Yeah, how on earth did I let myself get so disrespected. Never again.

Thank you for putting some real sense and words to the reality of the situation. This is helping all of us grow stronger as well.

Well done.

M22

[bunny4523]

they almost had me believe it to.

Isn't that such a crazy piece?  You are listening to them go on and on and your trying to make sense of it.  Then all of a sudden, it's like "stop" I know me and I was there... .this isn't what happened but then you hesitate because they are so convincing you think "or did it ?" 

That drove me insane for awhile, just sorting through the thoughts and tossing out the nonsense.  After I decided, "it's nonsense"  I made sure if I thought about it again, I tossed it away immediately... .refusing to give it any more of my time or energy.

Bunny

[DazedD40]

Mine painted me black yesterday and one of her parting shots was, you give me a headache and I deserve so much more than you!

Hold up a minute, your the one with the headache and you deserve more?

For the past few days I've been struggling with that as I felt that clearly I must have been the one that's caused all this hurt, the one that lied, the one that cheated, the one that turned her family against me, her friends etc... Not once have I treated her with the distain and hurt that she has me yet she deserves better?

If her family and friends buy her Bulls£&t stories them more fall them. To be honest those she has around her a selected carefully. In her mind they are weak and will believe her. She has no strong people around her only those that are happy they have a use again so more fall them I say.