Understanding rage/suicidal behaviour

[Hopeful83]

Hey guys,

I am curious about something so thought I'd post and ask the question.

Every morning, as part of my rituals, I read up on a psychological topic/topic of interest. Today I ended up reading about domestic abuse and it got me thinking about my ex's behaviour. He would rage, without warning. This didn't happen in the first year we were together, but from the second year until we broke up two years later. It would occur every two weeks or so, and I could never, ever figure out what the trigger would be. We'd be having a seemingly simple argument and it would escalate very quickly. Some of the arguments would be a little more serious, I guess, but mostly I remember it being a minor disagreement that would just get out of control on his behalf. It was scary, unpredictable and totally ruined my peace.  

While most of the time he would just rage (he'd literally change into another person, scream, yell profanities, shout in my face, hit himself on the head), this would sometimes escalate into more physical outbursts where he'd shove me around or grab me with all his force. He once, unfortunately, slapped me.

On a few occasions it would escalate even further and he'd tie a belt around his neck and tighten it. My job was to overcome his strength and loosen the noose.

I guess I'm trying to understand the behaviour. I know we talk about rage being a part of BPD, for example, but how does this fit with the need for control that I keep reading about in domestic abuse cases? Just wondered if anyone has any reading material on this, as I'd like to understand it. Knowing that perhaps this behaviour was a way of controlling me is really helping with the detachment process.

Thanks

Hopeful

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Hopeful-

I guess I'm trying to understand the behaviour. I know we talk about rage being a part of BPD, for example, but how does this fit with the need for control that I keep reading about in domestic abuse cases?

Borderlines are constantly experiencing the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment; if their partner gets too far away emotionally, fear abandonment, too close, fear engulfment.  That's the cause of the push/pull behavior, and one way to manage those fears, straddle the fence between the two, is to control the emotional distance in the relationship.  That's a need to control based on fear, not sadism or a lack of empathy, although everyone's different, just talking standard borderline here, apply as applicable.

Also, "inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger" is a trait of the disorder.  Borderlines lack the ability to soothe, to regulate, their own emotions, like they're turned up to 10 all the time, and a secure attachment helps with that, borderlines must attach to someone to feel whole, but if the fears mentioned above creep in and the emotions get too strong, they can bubble up and come out as rage, for reasons that may not have anything to do with the reality of the situation.  Think about someone who's hospitalized with a terminal illness; if they lost it and snapped at a nurse or a doctor the reason would be pretty clear, they're dying, and we would understand and maybe even forgive it.  Borderlines aren't dying, although a personality disorder is a mental illness and a borderline is in emotional pain, sometimes not so much because of the psychological tools they've developed to deal with it, but sometimes, out it comes.

Maybe that was helpful, and there are a lot of great articles and book recommendations on this site if you want to bounce around.  I'm sorry you experienced his rage, I've been there and it ain't pretty, and I'm sorry there was some physical violence too, are things becoming clearer?

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for the post Hopeful83 and again thank you fromheeltoheal.

This post touches me so much because I was punched, slapped, kicked and had various things thrown at me. I never hit back, in fact I stopped with bear hugs because when I let go gently she would fall to the ground as if I threw her. One of her many multiple arrests, charges and convictions was DV. She made marks on my face and one time the stbxBPDMIL witnessed her beating me along  with my 3 young children and immediately after told me that she was calling 911 and telling the police I hit my stbxBPDw. The only time I called the police was then and the police arrested her with evidence of a wound and my D9 telling the police what happened. The next day she filed for divorce. That was a year and a half ago. I really did not realize she had BPD until about 2 weeks ago.

Another thing that you mentioned was that BPD becomes someone else, yes this 36 year old became a 6 to 9 year old by actions and her voice. I recorded her rant once on the phone, I played it to her and she could not remember saying what she said and she asked about the voice "is that me?"

I play this recording full of hate and rage sometime as further reminder of how I am the trigger and always will be.

[Hopeful83]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

Thank you, this does make sense - would love to be directed to any relevant reading material on this.

I guess there's a part of me that's sad that I didn't realise how serious this was at the time. He was high-functioning, so I always put his rage down to the fact he'd experienced abuse during his childhood. Simplistic way of looking at it, but this is how I justified his actions at the time. He'd never spoken about the abuse with anyone but me, let alone processed it.

I guess I'll never know for sure what motivated his behaviour, and that's okay, although it's nice to be able to understand it and apply some logic.

It now feels like he was subconsciously always trying to have some form of upper hand in the relationship, and that makes sense in the push/pull context of the disorder (if he had it - he was never diagnosed). At first he was reluctant to tell me I was the love of his life (when I asked him initially after being together 12 months), but afterwards he was love bombing me, saying I was the love of his life and that he loved me above all else, couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me etc.

Initially I put this down to the fact that maybe he was afraid to say certain things at the beginning in case I hurt him (which also makes sense I guess). But I now wonder if it was part of the disorder - a need to feel he had a one up over me? The one up being that by giving me ambiguous answers, I'd always have certain doubts, although his actions and words would always show me that he loved me. It's like he had a desperate need to feel superior to me in some way, to always maintain the control.

Not sure if that makes sense, I've just typed it out as I've thought of it. It would work in tangent with the physical abuse - again, a one-up in some way. All subconsciously done, I suppose, with the purpose of keeping me hooked.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

  Staystrongnow,

Thanks for sharing your story - I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. It sounds like the DV you experienced was more advanced than what I went through, although I do think it would have continued to escalate had we stayed together (he slapped me about 2 and a half years in). It's so traumatic to go through something like this, and I sometimes wonder if I'll have a delayed reaction to what happened during the relationship because it's taken me a year to come to terms with what happened during the break-up! Do you sometimes feel like this?

Another thing that you mentioned was that BPD becomes someone else, yes this 36 year old became a 6 to 9 year old by actions and her voice. I recorded her rant once on the phone, I played it to her and she could not remember saying what she said and she asked about the voice "is that me?"

Oh I certainly identify with this. I always used to think it was like he became a different person. The way he'd hit his head repeatedly made me think that he perhaps did this kind of behaviour as a child for attention - there was something extremely childlike about it.

I also never hit back. I'd try and stay quiet in the hope he'd stop. He'd then try and say that the reason he was so angry is because I wasn't replying! Thank goodness for one thing - I never, EVER let him blame me for his actions. He certainly tried ("I'm sorry, but you also shouldn't have said xyz"etc) but my response was always the same (I am not responsible for your rages. You are).

In the end (during the break-up), he blamed the rages on the fact he was 'frustrated' in the relationship, although at the time it was happening he'd mostly admit it was him and that he needed to get help for it. Sigh.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you, this does make sense - would love to be directed to any relevant reading material on this.

Here's a video that is mostly reading and might help: Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde

There are also a lot of books here

I guess I'll never know for sure what motivated his behaviour, and that's okay, although it's nice to be able to understand it and apply some logic.

There's a lot of confusion coming out of these relationships and I'm an understanding-driven person, sounds like you are too.  A book that helped me a lot is Masterson's The Search For The Real Self in which he describes normal, ordered development, fascinating in it's own right, but the meat is in what happens when order becomes disorder in someone's development.  It's a clinical book, but accessible to us laymen, and although my ex's behavior was still totally unacceptable, at least I now understood why she does what she does when I read it, which helped a great deal.

But I now wonder if it was part of the disorder - a need to feel he had a one up over me? The one up being that by giving me ambiguous answers, I'd always have certain doubts, although his actions and words would always show me that he loved me. It's like he had a desperate need to feel superior to me in some way, to always maintain the control.

When two people who developed normally create something between them called a relationship, they're still two autonomous individuals, still their own people, even though they're in a relationship.  A borderline looks to complete themselves, make themselves whole, by attaching to someone and fusing with them, so there is no individuality, no line between them, and think about that, if there's no separation between partners, and a borderlines senses that their partner is a fully formed individual with a 'self' of their own, and they aren't, they can fear losing themselves entirely in the other person, becoming engulfed so they don't exist at all.  Needing to be in control and to have the one-up position is reactionary to that, and he couldn't articulate it like that, it just shows up as feelings, since order became disorder so early in his development, before cognitive thought was possible.  You might have noticed that shows up a lot in people in general: feeling inferior so acting superior, a common coping mechanism, although for a borderline it goes beyond that, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own and are looking to complete themselves, it's not that they feel inferior especially, they feel like they may not exist at all without and attachment.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Hopeful again-

And here are some articles you may benefit from, don't know if you've read them:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Hopeful83]

Thanks fromheeltoheal.

The video has made it clear to me - it really does feel like he had BPD. Now that I've detached to a great degree and I'm on the outside looking in, it feels even more that way.

There's a lot of confusion coming out of these relationships and I'm an understanding-driven person, sounds like you are too. 

Yes, you're totally right. I've always had this 'need' to understand why people do the things they do, and I guess it stems from wanting to understand my mother's behaviour. That's why when I found this board this time last year when everything went pear-shaped it was a life saver.

Thanks for the book recommendation - I looked it up on Amazon and think I will order it for my Kindle. I do wonder whether, at this late stage, I still give too much of my time on trying to figure out what went wrong, though. Perhaps it's because of how bizarre the break-up was, and how I never really had 'closure' - it's like I'm having to give myself it.

Given that the disorder may stem from the fact emotional development was stunted, and that this may be due to maladaptive parenting, would it make sense that if a member of his FOO (his mother, and possibly also his father) said/did something to show their disapproval of our relationship, that this could send him into some sort of tailspin? I ask because this is what I feel happened this time last year, and it did feel like he regressed to some earlier stage of his life. Even when my dad spoke to him on the phone he said it was like he was talking to a 12-year-old boy, which baffled him. He'd told his parents we wanted to get married, which then resulted in bizarre behaviour. We broke up and six weeks later he was engaged to someone else.

Hopeful

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for the book recommendation - I looked it up on Amazon and think I will order it for my Kindle. I do wonder whether, at this late stage, I still give too much of my time on trying to figure out what went wrong, though. Perhaps it's because of how bizarre the break-up was, and how I never really had 'closure' - it's like I'm having to give myself it.

Yes, we generally need to give ourselves closure when these relationships end, which ends up being more powerful in the end.  One reframe that might help is take "trying to figure out what went wrong" and turn it into something like "how can I learn from this, how does it serve me?"  That book in particular describes how a "normal" self develops, which is fascinating in its own right, and also what happens when order becomes disorder, equally fascinating when you're sufficiently detached, and very enlightening when you still are a little.  I dunno, the way humans work in general in fascinating, and as we shift the focus from the past to the future, knowing a little more about human nature will help, and aside from that learning it is pretty fun and interesting, for us understanding-driven folks.

Given that the disorder may stem from the fact emotional development was stunted, and that this may be due to maladaptive parenting, would it make sense that if a member of his FOO (his mother, and possibly also his father) said/did something to show their disapproval of our relationship, that this could send him into some sort of tailspin? I ask because this is what I feel happened this time last year, and it did feel like he regressed to some earlier stage of his life.

A consequence of the disorder is that emotional maturation gets inhibited, too much focus on attaching to people and dealing with the fears, my ex considered her 16 year old daughter her 'best friend', and my ex was getting depressed because her daughter was passing her in maturity, or so it seemed, so she was getting left, more abandonment.  Our relationship with our parents is very long, deep and complex, and sure, BPD being a shame-based disorder, if someone with significant emotional power, like a parent, says something disapproving, it wouldn't be a stretch for a borderline to get triggered, as we all might do sometimes when a parent says a certain thing, and revert back to an earlier time, reveal our core so to speak.

I'm sorry that happened Hopeful, very painful and at least you got to see the instability before you got married yes?

[C.Stein]

I see this like one of those old type of pressure cookers with the weight.  The emotions within a pwBPD are relentlessly unstable and when it can't be contained anymore it is released like the steam from a pressure cooker.  This can manifest itself in various ways ... .rage/anger, suicidal ideation/behavior, self-destructive/impulsive behavior, etc... . These are coping mechanisms ... .ways to release the internal emotional pressure like the pressure cooker releases excess steam/pressure.  Problem is they are not healthy coping mechanisms and many times those people who are closest get burned by the "steam" when it is released.

[Hopeful83]

Fromheeltoheal,

I dunno, the way humans work in general in fascinating, and as we shift the focus from the past to the future, knowing a little more about human nature will help, and aside from that learning it is pretty fun and interesting, for us understanding-driven folks.

Yes, I find it really fascinating, too. It's also nice to have knowledge that helps friends/family members. On a number of occasions I've been able to pass on things that have been helpful to various people - the Karpman drama triangle is one, as well as information on NPD - and it's a great feeling when you hear someone say "that's REALLY helped me figure some stuff out, thank you." I feel that if I can spread the knowledge and help people through difficult times, I will, as I've realised how helpful all this self-reflection and learning has been for me.

Understanding others also allows me to understand myself more. I'm definitely sold on the book and will read it once I finish my current one, so thanks again for the recommendation 

Our relationship with our parents is very long, deep and complex, and sure, BPD being a shame-based disorder, if someone with significant emotional power, like a parent, says something disapproving, it wouldn't be a stretch for a borderline to get triggered, as we all might do sometimes when a parent says a certain thing, and revert back to an earlier time, reveal our core so to speak.

This is helpful, thank you. It did feel like someone had touched a nerve, and I don't think that someone was me - I wasn't even in the same country as him when all this went down. Is this perhaps an example of 'dysregulation?' I don't know too much about this although I've read about it on various threads on this board. I guess I would need to do a bit more reading to see. I just couldn't 'reach' him during that time - nothing I said made a difference, and it was like he'd turned into a stranger over night. Very scary, hurtful and confusing.

I'm sorry that happened Hopeful, very painful and at least you got to see the instability before you got married yes?

Yes, I totally agree, and it's this way of thinking that helps me through now. I wasn't just contending with someone who potentially had BPD - I was contending with his whole family in the end. And knowing that they potentially did some very conniving and hurtful things in order to make sure we broke up made it all even clearer to me - he is the way he is (most likely) because of the way he was raised, because of these damaging dynamics they have between them. He also had them so high up on a pedestal that I'm sure it's going to take him a very long time to come out of denial and face up to the things that they do. In the meantime, I would have been miserable, as I could *see* a lot of it already but he's just not facing up to it. And we all know that people cannot be helped unless they want the help.

That's a very valuable lesson that I've learnt throughout all this.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

The emotions within a pwBPD are relentlessly unstable and when it can't be contained anymore it is released like the steam from a pressure cooker.

Yes, this definitely makes sense. The problem is, though, most of the time you don't even know what's triggering them, what the emotional pressure that's being built up actually is. So in mine and my exes case, these 'rages' would seemingly come out of nowhere, when in fact it's because something had been building up over time.

That's why it was so difficult for me to identify the 'triggers' - there was no single trigger. It was never during a particular argument, or because of something in particular that I would say. I thought long and hard about what it was that was causing the rages and could never, ever come to a conclusion. I guess this is why I could never figure it out.

It really is a sad, sorry state of affairs, when I think about it. I sincerely hope he gets helps some day, but in his culture 'therapy' is not the done thing, so I really doubt he ever will unless something really bad happens.

Hopeful

[fromheeltoheal]

This is helpful, thank you. It did feel like someone had touched a nerve, and I don't think that someone was me - I wasn't even in the same country as him when all this went down. Is this perhaps an example of 'dysregulation?'

Yes, triggered and dysregulated are somewhat synonymous, and describe the point where emotions get strong and maybe unmanageable.  We all get triggered by things, by certain triggers, although most of us only "lose it" once in a while, because we have the ability to regulate our emotions to a certain extent.  Borderlines experience intense emotions they can't soothe, can't regulate, like they're turned up to 10, so the tools they use need to be equally intense, but sometimes they don't work, so they dysregulate, can't regulate their emotions, "lose it".  And then the mirroring and the facade-painting fall to the side and the core person emerges, or the person of the moment in the case of a borderline since they have an unstable sense of identity, a consequence of not having a fully formed self.

[C.Stein]

Yes, this definitely makes sense. The problem is, though, most of the time you don't even know what's triggering them, what the emotional pressure that's being built up actually is. So in mine and my exes case, these 'rages' would seemingly come out of nowhere, when in fact it's because something had been building up over time.

Consider this.  There isn't a need here for a trigger.  The internal emotional chaos that exists builds to the point of release ... .trigger or not.