Having a bad morning.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Most days I feel okay, but today I woke up feeling badly. Yesterday I went to see BPDh's Dad who is in the hospital. One of his three daughters that hate me we there, and I asked if I could talk to her in private. Now, I still don't trust her, but the things she told me, were spot on. She said her Dad plays the victim, and that he blames everyone and anyone else instead of taking any responsibility for his actions. She said he's lied to them, and to me. Of course I knew he's lied to me a lot. So many things he's told me have been lies, and she was able to clear some things up for me so I now know things I hadn't even realized were lies too. Now, I know she's running her own agenda of getting Daddy back, but so many of the things she said I know are true. He Mom hated sex with him too apparently, so I'd bet he was rough with her too sexually. His daughter says it sounds like he's told me things about her Mom at times, just to get me to try to live up to it, and they are likely just lies. She thinks he's saying these things to guilt me into doing disgusting things.

She also said she learned so many bad behaviors that she hadn't even realized, and he husband will ask her "where did you learn that", and she realizes it's how she saw her parents behave. In other words, badly. She believed me that he's been awful to me, I think. She never would quite clarify what he apparently lied to them about when he and I reconciled, which is why I still believe these girls are sort of playing games with their Dad and me. I mean, I shared quite a few lies her Dad has told ME, but she couldn't even divulge one? I just think they want him back, and are playing this to their advantage. Maybe she's telling the truth, and they are fed up with his lies, and not taking any personal responsibility. I know I am.

Even though I know I'm leaving, I woke up sad and scared this morning. I guess that's normal? He won't sleep with me, still wants sex(I think that's going to stop), and he wants me to get a job and just hand over my paycheck to him to help with his debts he's accrued. He even told me last night that even though payday is tomorrow, don't spend ANY money. So, now groceries, no gas for the car, no things we actually need? This is just more control, isn't it? I'd asked him a few days ago where he wants me to get the job, meaning here where we live, or where I'd move home to if we divorce. He would not give me an answer other than "do what you want", so I took that as he's not serious about me getting a job, or he'd have given me an answer? Or, it's another "test" I'm supposed to pass, so he sees how committed I am to the marriage? Even though he's spent years threatening ME, I'm supposed to be endlessly committed to showing him I'll stay no matter what he says or does? That's sick.

Mornings and evenings are the hardest. I'm alone in the mornings and evenings he wishes me goodnight, and takes off to our old bedroom I'd so nicely decorated and bought expensive furniture for. I've been alone in this marriage the whole time, when I really think about it though. A friend pointed that out to me, and that's helping me get through this transition phase.

It is a transition, and leaving is scary, but I just know once I get there, I'm going to be in such a better place. I keep telling myself that, because I know I don't have one more recycle in me(once was enough)... .

Thoughts on how to make the mornings and evening easier on myself? I fake like I'm okay to him, but inside I'm scared and jittery and sort of sad. All normal, I realize after this five year roller coaster, and oncoming change, but I'd still like to minimize the effects of feeling that way. Any ideas?

[Ceruleanblue]

Most days I feel okay, but today I woke up feeling badly. Yesterday I went to see BPDh's Dad who is in the hospital. One of his three daughters that hate me we there, and I asked if I could talk to her in private. Now, I still don't trust her, but the things she told me, were spot on. She said her Dad plays the victim, and that he blames everyone and anyone else instead of taking any responsibility for his actions. She said he's lied to them, and to me. Of course I knew he's lied to me a lot. So many things he's told me have been lies, and she was able to clear some things up for me so I now know things I hadn't even realized were lies too. Now, I know she's running her own agenda of getting Daddy back, but so many of the things she said I know are true. He Mom hated sex with him too apparently, so I'd bet he was rough with her too sexually. His daughter says it sounds like he's told me things about her Mom at times, just to get me to try to live up to it, and they are likely just lies. She thinks he's saying these things to guilt me into doing disgusting things.

She also said she learned so many bad behaviors that she hadn't even realized, and he husband will ask her "where did you learn that", and she realizes it's how she saw her parents behave. In other words, badly. She believed me that he's been awful to me, I think. She never would quite clarify what he apparently lied to them about when he and I reconciled, which is why I still believe these girls are sort of playing games with their Dad and me. I mean, I shared quite a few lies her Dad has told ME, but she couldn't even divulge one? I just think they want him back, and are playing this to their advantage. Maybe she's telling the truth, and they are fed up with his lies, and not taking any personal responsibility. I know I am.

Even though I know I'm leaving, I woke up sad and scared this morning. I guess that's normal? He won't sleep with me, still wants sex(I think that's going to stop), and he wants me to get a job and just hand over my paycheck to him to help with his debts he's accrued. He even told me last night that even though payday is tomorrow, don't spend ANY money. So, now groceries, no gas for the car, no things we actually need? This is just more control, isn't it? I'd asked him a few days ago where he wants me to get the job, meaning here where we live, or where I'd move home to if we divorce. He would not give me an answer other than "do what you want", so I took that as he's not serious about me getting a job, or he'd have given me an answer? Or, it's another "test" I'm supposed to pass, so he sees how committed I am to the marriage? Even though he's spent years threatening ME, I'm supposed to be endlessly committed to showing him I'll stay no matter what he says or does? That's sick.

Mornings and evenings are the hardest. I'm alone in the mornings and evenings he wishes me goodnight, and takes off to our old bedroom I'd so nicely decorated and bought expensive furniture for. I've been alone in this marriage the whole time, when I really think about it though. A friend pointed that out to me, and that's helping me get through this transition phase.

It is a transition, and leaving is scary, but I just know once I get there, I'm going to be in such a better place. I keep telling myself that, because I know I don't have one more recycle in me(once was enough)... .

Thoughts on how to make the mornings and evening easier on myself? I fake like I'm okay to him, but inside I'm scared and jittery and sort of sad. All normal, I realize after this five year roller coaster, and oncoming change, but I'd still like to minimize the effects of feeling that way. Any ideas?

[married21years]

this wont get much easier

delaying the inevitable is only dragging things out and this is the consequence i believe

i am sorry and i feel for you but if you could speed this up it may save some heartache

otherwise there may be more of this

may get slightly easier, but cant say for sure

 

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi 

I'm sorry you're having such a struggle. So that I can better understand, I have a few questions:

Does he know you're planning to leave?  Do you currently have a job or are you looking to get one?  Are you two married or just living together?  Has he been diagnosed with anything?  Are either of you seeking therapy?

Keep us posted!

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm planning on leaving end of October. I don't currently have a job, and only mind getting one as he makes great money, and it will just mean he splurges more, or donates more money to fund his son. It will not benefit me or my kids at all. I'll work minimum wage, and he's making 127,000 a year, and living beyond our means. It sickens me. He has zero to show for all these years he's made great money.

We have been married over four years. I think I will try to get a temporary job, just to appease him, and hopefully it will help enable me in my moving costs. I can get a different job when I relocate back home. I've been in therapy since things got bad, and he's currently in DBT therapy, but not working his program. Our third marriage therapist just gave up on us, because she said he's not motivated to change or work on his blame and anger. She offered to work on his anger, as it related to the marriage, but he refused. He told me his psychiatrist told him he has traits of BPD(I think he has a full on diagnosis, but won't tell me), and I've had several therapists tell me he is very NPD, possibly APD. I have anxiety. 

At least I've wrapped my mind around leaving, and I'm not sure why today I woke up sad. I guess that's to be expected.

[gotbushels]

Hey Ceruleanblue 

At least I've wrapped my mind around leaving, and I'm not sure why today I woke up sad. I guess that's to be expected.

I think that's pretty normal. When I was considering leaving my ex I was somewhat sad. I was more ambivalent and perhaps more emotionally "burnt-out" on some mornings.

Thoughts on how to make the mornings and evening easier on myself?

I think it's important that you acknowledge that you have these thoughts in the morning. That you've already done. Then you could get compassionate and brainstorm what would be most helpful to you. Is it finding out a way you can enjoy yourself in a healthy way? What would you tell your best friend if she was in this situation? 

I fake like I'm okay to him, but inside I'm scared and jittery and sort of sad.

I think regarding this specific bit, it can get quite stifling when we have to pretend we are one thing, and feel something else. That effect, I think, is most difficult to deal with when we have to do it at home. Perhaps consider scheduling a specific time each day to visit a safe place that you can practice mindfulness, where you won't be interrupted by him?

I hope you're feeling better this weekend.