For those who were hit hard financially, did you recover?

[michel71]

Hi all. I posted something similar on the divorce Board but didn't get that many responses so maybe this question is better placed here.

I am considering filing for divorce at the end of the summer and I am SCARED TO DEATH about the financial hit I am going to take.

I am going to have to pay my spouse alimony and a % of my savings and retirement. We have been married for 3 years but domestic partnered since end of 2011. So call it 5 years. Short according to my lawyer.

I don't know the actual amount yet. A lot depends on negotiating and the desire to which my spouse wants to really screw me.

For all of you that had to take a financial hit, which I know is a relative term, how did you cope? How did you rebuild? Were you able to manage financially and then get back on your feet?

I won't lie. I am looking for encouragement and hope that there is financial freedom and vitality after a divorce. I know in some cases that is not true for everybody.

Please share your stories. Thanks!

[Lilyroze]

  Michel,


I am sorry for what you are going through, welcome to the boards. I don't know if you have had a chance to read some of the articles, tools, or SWOE book.

I read a few of yours at this point I think you need some mutual respect, boundaries and an accounting of the money. From reading it seems she might have taken quite a bit of both your money and put into hers separate, while keeping her own separate. So she is making her plans whatever they might be.

At some point you are going to have to get your money into a different account, put in what you need for the joint for bills. I usually would never recommend that, and I am sure some others will be along to help and give insight as well.

 But well it seems like she is draining it, correct? If that is the fact you are still going to need some to make sure bills are paid if she leaves, a lawyer and well to eat. I know you have joint responsibilities, and to have a joint account to me is best in marriages.

Though some with BPD might not be able to balance money, not go into debt and be responsible like us nons. If you are not proactive to at least be fair to yourself and creditors it seems like she might put you into debt, and drain it all.  

When you approach her does she give you an accounting? I thought I read no, but things might have got updated.

I have dealt with someone that doesn't seem to understand budgets, saving, equity, responsibility. Or thinks I am in control. I have offered before to have them do, but they always had an excuse, were sick or quite frankly "that was my job". Which fine most of my investment's and money went to pay for the big things or his debt... .No the bank is of what is there, I just make sure the budget is there, bills paid, taxes done and paid... .LOL

What plans do you have for your future?

[married21years]

hi

yes i did recover financially

once the tap was turned off to the stbex

my bank account has flourished

wow i had no idea how much she was spending

i was told she didnt spend money i dindt check

she did and a lot !

[Tibbles]

Financially drained - yes. But its surprising how little you can live of quite happily. For the first time I have control over my own money and that brings such a strong sense of peace and security. Mine was a compulsive spender - earnt a lot but spent a lot too. My life style is very different but it is an OK life style and I am so much happier.

[adventurer]

I am terrified about being able to financially recover.
But strangely enough, putting together my salary history for the divorce I see I made less than half of what I am making now when we met.
Back then, I was traveling, renting a nice house with a yard, no credit card debt, I ate out and hit the town fairly often with friends, and I had thousands of dollars in savings and good retirement funds/plan.

I was in much worse shape when I separated, no savings, constant struggles with debt, half the retirement funds spent on trying to 'help' her or pay for problems with the house or bail us out from bad financial moves. I am sincerely hoping that once it is all sorted and over, even with providing her with financial support, I will have plenty to go back to my formerly very happy, bachelor lifestyle.

Wish me luck.

[Panda39]

I know being in the middle of a divorce is scary everything is unknown and feels like it is in the hands of someone else.  You can only control what you can control and what it that?  Collecting and providing accurate financial information to your attorney and telling them what you want and working with them on a strategy on how to try and achieve that... .being as prepared as you can for court.

Yes you might take a financial hit but what you gain in a divorce is CONTROL of your own money!

No more is there someone else draining your funds (with or without your knowledge).

You will be able to recover but it will take time, it will take discipline and commitment on your part.

To recover you take responsibility and face the problem... .pay what you can... .create payment plans if you can... .talk to a credit counselor regarding credit card debt... .live on a smaller scale than you are used to... .or file bankruptcy if there is no other way.

How about you start now while you're still married are there any debts you can work on now?

I want to share my SO's mantra when he was divorcing his uBPDex... ."Boldly Go!"... .and mine when I divorced... ."Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care" - Pink. 

Try to live in the "Now" and do what you can now to be prepared for worst case scenario and best case scenario.

Good Luck,
Panda39

[HopefulDad]

As the old joke goes... .

Q: "Why is divorce soo expensive?"

A: "Because it's soo worth it!"

Keep telling yourself that as you go through a lot of trial and error in making the finances work.

ETA: If you are pretty good with money, you will do fine.  Even if you are in a negative cash flow situation for a while.  If you are not good with money, then you have reason to be nervous.  Get educated on healthy personal finance skills if you aren't already.

[RunningWithScissors]

Just some reassurance - financial recovery is possible.  How and when depends, of course.

My hubby divorced his BPDex a couple of years before we started dating.  He had to pay her half the house equity when house prices were at their highest.  However, he had 100% custody of both kids so didn't have to pay child support (she never had to pay a cent in lieu of alimony).  Bottom line, when we got together, he was broke.

Five years later, we're on the cusp of retirement.  She has continued to flail financially, spending her way through the divorce settlement and maxing out her credit cards.  Despite having multiple university degrees and certifications, she's never established a solid career.  Needless to say, the kids have had two very different models of financial management to observe and learn from.  We've given both of them the same information and encouragement, but the BPDkid seems to have the same impulses as bio-BPDMom.

There's many great resources out there about managing money - one of my favorite is Mr. Money Moustache but be warned, there is irreverence and colorful language.

You can do it, and the satisfaction of being in control will be priceless.

[married21years]

hi all

9 months NC and financial separation

tonight i am looking at a sports car for me as a second car

so yes it is easier without the ball and chain of the pwBPD pulling us down