Why did you stay?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I have been all over the boards in this crazy marriage of mine and I know it's definitively at a close now. He'll be leaving back to the state with his family soon as he can and there are so many other things... .

Since he left and came back the most recent time he lost our vehicle and his job and we've been suffering since March. This month alone I've lost 14 pounds due to lack of food, and not for lack of trying to get it. He sits and plays games all day, not trying to do anything for my son or me and professes to love me, while continuing to treat me like crap. He was my first and only relationship and I was darned if I was going to give up just because it was hard. But, he's pushed further and further away from me through the years and I knew it was over a while ago. I don't know why I didn't just let it go then though.

I know because of my FOO that I held on for various reasons, not wanting to give up, to fail, didn't want a broken family, try to hold out hope, didn't want him to leave and abandon me the way my parents did (even though they were physically present most of the time but not there) knowing if he just put forth effort he could do it, but he always chose not too.

I guess, I'm just asking, why did you stay when you knew it was over and they were just stringing you along?

Sincerely,

Purekalm

P.S. Me and my family made sure that my son still has food and things even though we don't. I'd do just about anything so he wouldn't have to suffer.

[purekalm]

Hello everyone,

I have been all over the boards in this crazy marriage of mine and I know it's definitively at a close now. He'll be leaving back to the state with his family soon as he can and there are so many other things... .

Since he left and came back the most recent time he lost our vehicle and his job and we've been suffering since March. This month alone I've lost 14 pounds due to lack of food, and not for lack of trying to get it. He sits and plays games all day, not trying to do anything for my son or me and professes to love me, while continuing to treat me like crap. He was my first and only relationship and I was darned if I was going to give up just because it was hard. But, he's pushed further and further away from me through the years and I knew it was over a while ago. I don't know why I didn't just let it go then though.

I know because of my FOO that I held on for various reasons, not wanting to give up, to fail, didn't want a broken family, try to hold out hope, didn't want him to leave and abandon me the way my parents did (even though they were physically present most of the time but not there) knowing if he just put forth effort he could do it, but he always chose not too.

I guess, I'm just asking, why did you stay when you knew it was over and they were just stringing you along?

Sincerely,

Purekalm

P.S. Me and my family made sure that my son still has food and things even though we don't. I'd do just about anything so he wouldn't have to suffer.

[married21years]

why did i stay?

the more my self esteem was suppressed

the more i tried to regain it but supplying her

we got in a downward spiral, the more i tried to love and support her the more she pushed me away.

its sad she professed to wanting to be loved but she couldn't deal with unconditional love

in the end she couldn't let me near her, because she couldn't handle the guilt and the shame

i didn't know it then but the whole relationship was a lie!


 

[gotbushels]

Hi purekalm 

Yes. Trying to look after a household while a partner is over-involved in leisure activity sounds very difficult. If this happened to me over a period of time, I would begin to feel more and more frustrated. When you question yourself about why you didn't end it sooner, know that we all have these kinds of doubts and uncertainties.

You're doing so well looking after yourself and your son. It's really hard keeping everything in our own lives in management sometimes, so going beyond and looking after your son can be more difficult. I hope things look up for you.   

I guess, I'm just asking, why did you stay when you knew it was over and they were just stringing you along?

Sometimes when we know it's "over" in our eyes is a process. Sometimes realising we are enabling a dysfunctional relationship is also a process. Those things don't always happen at once or at the same time. I think it's important to be acknowledging and compassionate that we're not perfect in "knowing" when it's time to end a relationship or make a big decision.   

I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

[Pine Knoll]

Hi purekalm,

That is a great question.

My circumstances: I have been with my uBPDw for 29 years, married for 23. Seventeen days ago, I finally realized/recognized the condition that wife was suffering from (and it sounds horrible) the source of all my pain and confusion (FOG I think) over the years. I think I have decided that I need to leave my wife, but I still hesitate to say it definitively for the same reasons I have stayed in the relationship for so long knowing that something was not right and knowing that I was not happy, hurting and confused.

At the moment, I feel incredibly guilty and dishonest about it all. My uBPDw has recently been in an extreme "rage" phase which I triggered, unknowingly, before I realized the real problem. I have been using the communication tools and suggestions I have learned here and elsewhere; it has almost been like magic, I think I have helped her get back to a better, safer place for now; in fact, moments ago she just sent and email with this, "I love u and want you to feel safe and to be there for you." I had to send her an encouraging supportive response (right away, because a lack of responsiveness is trigger for her ... .how I never saw that before kills me), and here I am not in the middle of typing this paragraph, and saying I believe I have decided to leave her. I fell like ___ for the dishonestly, but if I go through with this I am truly doing for the sake of my daughters and so I can ultimately maintain my sanity and regain myself.

Why I stayed in the relationship ... .before kids (we now have two daughters and that changed everything for me, more on that later)... .I was raised by an alcoholic, physically abusive mother. I developed an unhealthy need to be loved by a woman. I also, somewhere along the way, became (and still am) your classic co-dependent (I still have not figured out how I did that, but somewhere along the way I did). And as is the case with BPD, my wife initially put me on a pedestal; as is also the case she told me how terrible/lame and pathetic her previous boyfriends had been and told me how much greater I was. She filled a need me that was so deep; I never really saw it until later in my life. That need got me hooked, the co-dependency and the lingering need kept in it until our first daughter was born.

Our first daughter was born almost 14 yrs ago; she was unplanned, and truthly had she not been born, there is a good chance I would have divorced my wife about 11 yrs ago. I say that time specifically because 11 years ago our second daughter was born. At that time I did not realize it but I was deeply depressed. I was also having an affair (I have never told anyone about this in the world, ever, until this very moment - except my Dad, in whom I confessed a couple years ago). The affair is something I regret more than I ever thought possible (even without my wife knowing about it); I did not seek it out, a co-worker literally followed me to my hotel room one night and I just let her in (and then it went on for a year); I think I entered into the affair for the reasons I mentioned above - I was depressed and I still had the unhealthy need to be loved by a woman. That woman wanted me to leave my wife and family, but I told her from day one, I would never do that (I would not abandon my daughters - the youngest had just been born). If my wife and I not had the girls at that time, I would have left her and entered into another unhealthy relationship.

I stayed in the relationship because I did not want to fail, I did not want my daughters to experience a broken family (as I had), I wanted to be part of my daughters lives as much as I possibly could, I was co-dependent, I wanted to fix things, I want be able to say I did everything I could do before giving up. And I have to be honest, I have have always felt that my wife, in her core, is a good person, one of the best people I have ever known (she just cannot see that in herself). I wanted to help bring that person out, the person I think I fell in love with and I tried for years - trying to fix the things about me that were making her unhappy.

Now, today... .I feel broken (and cry on and off every day) and I am worry about the effects of the disorder on my daughters. And right now I think I will best be able to help and protect them by being outside of the relationship and creating a healthier safe place form the to spend at least half of their time. I need to further develop my relationship with them without begin accused of being a crappy father and triangulation... .anyway, I have provided more of answer to your question than you requested, but I hope sharing my understanding of what happen to me helps you find more peace for yourself.

Kindest wishes, GR

[Meili]

I think that most of us stay because of hope that things will get better. We all love(d) our pwBPD and were committed. Walking away from that is not easy; especially when we have so much invested emotionally.

Plus, people dislike change. The unfamiliar is uncomfortable. For many of us, the situation, while painful, was also very familiar to us. It's what we were taught at a very young age from our FOO.

I didn't walk away because of my belief in the relationship.

[married21years]

  Green River     

hi thx for the honesty

so similar except for the affair

there were temptations but i would never do that as the guilt and the suffering caused to my with would be too much for me to bare

[SoMadSoSad]

She was/is the nicest, most loving, empathetic person ive ever met. She is also loyal and very beautiful and goes out of her way for others. She reminded me of myself. Even through the rages and arguments i could feel the love was still there. I blame myself for not validating and being more appreciative and supportive of her condition. She give unconditional love and so do i. SHe has been like this for most of her life so it wasnt mirroring. I felt i had finally found someone who could love like i could and being that i dont connect with people, the feeling of connection we had was addicting as i have never would have thought i would connect with someone to want to spend the rest of my life with. I am a loner. Her leaving is devastating and threw away years of learning to manage emotions and self soothe. I feel like a BPD now with unstable emotions and feeelings of emptiness I havent had since a kid.

[Pine Knoll]

purekalm - it is good/great that you have never let into those temptations to be unfaithful. There was nothing good about it and it may be the one thing in my life that I truly deeply regret. It is the darkest period of life and I am wholly responsible for that. May you never make that mistake. GR

[purekalm]

Thank you everyone for your honesty and replies!

married21years It's crazy that as I read your statement it was like reading my own word for word. He doesn't and didn't know how to handle unconditional love either. He wants me to rage at him for all that he's done wrong so he can fight back instead of me forgiving him and having to sit with that and try to figure out how to accept that he's created the problems and does nothing to change them.

gotbushels The crazy thing is, I met him at work when he transferred from another state and had already been working for five years. A few years later, when he lost that job is when he started falling apart more and not able to keep a job for long and his longing for home got worse. He wants "a new start" which is the same reason he came here in the first place. He doesn't seem to like to be stable for too long and he hates the state that we live in, my family and told me the other day that he can't look at me or our son without seeing everything he's done wrong and then when that happens he can't deal or interact with us in any healthy way at all. It's so dang sad... .    I don't think I'm doing that well, but I am trying and I know it will get better as long as I don't give up. =)

Green River  I'm sorry you're suffering so much right now. I can't imagine another almost twenty years with him.     I have a similar experience with a chance to be out of the situation early, but mine was that he packed his bag to leave when I was still pregnant and I was so scared about having and raising a child on my own that I cried and begged him not to leave me... .Both me and my son would've been better off had I not done that and I try not to regret it too much since there is nothing I can change.

Considering cheating, I know he's done that to me. He won't admit it, but there are things that happened and certain evidences I have that prove him wrong, although since I don't have definitive proof, he can still deny it, even though it's as plain as day he's lying in his eyes and expressions. I hope that you too, can find peace with yourself over your difficult situation and the guilt you carry for the wrong you've done as well. It's not easy to love and live with them, though it's never easy to leave or think straight either. For me personally, once I'm with someone any guy is just another guy and that's the only way I see them. The only one I wanted was my husband, but I guess it's not the same for him as he wants out and is taking his leave. Keep your chin up Green River. =)

Meili  I can definitely agree with all of that Meili. I also have held out belief that it would work. I KNOW it could, if only he would do his part. But, instead of picking up his paddle and rowing with me he's jumped ship and all I can do now is watch him go, turn around, and focus more on the one here who still needs me and trying to be healthier myself.


SoMadSoSad  I'm also a loner by nature with a screwed up FOO, so it's been messed up. The only difference for me would be that it's been coming for years now and so I've had more time to deal with the initial shock, anger and depression while I was still in it hoping he would change and this would not be the end. On his end he could be incredibly loving and sacrificing, but only when he felt like it and didn't want to be asked then felt that if he needed help someone should always be there and say yes. (Rolls eyes) I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now, but I know that little step by little step it will be easier to deal with. 

Thank you all again for all your support, replies and honesty.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[bunny4523]

Hi purekalm,

I love this question because it's the one thing I did right! (now I didn't have children with my ex so that did make it easier).  I didn't stay... .I left.  Committment or not, love or not... .I finally learned after years of co-dependency to not tolerate this behavior.  It was his problem and not mine and he needs to deal with it.  I stayed for 4 -5 months while I was figuring out the severity of his issues.  We saw a therapist which helped me gauge the issues we were having.  The issues didn't surface right away, it was almost like he waited until I sold everything and moved in with him to let it out. We got engaged about the time I moved in but I couldn't pull the trigger on getting married.

I didn't know about the BPD, found out a week or so after I left.  Best thing I ever did... .I wonder if I would've had a back slide of my co-dependent behaviors had I known he wasn't well... .I might have tried to save him... .rescue him... .fix him... .

I'm just glad I left when I did.  Ten years prior I was married and stayed in that bad relationship for 10 years.  So I feel like I am making progress... .by leaving sooner.

Bunny

[Pine Knoll]

Bunny -

Thanks for sharing; it gives me hope to hear your story. Good for you. I am glad you had the trust in yourself to know wen something was not right and act on it with courage (I am sure it was not easy). I don't want to make the same mistakes again and I fear I could - for now I need to figure out what I am going to do. I have decided to leave; I know in my heart it is what I have to do. It will be hard on our daughters, but I think I can who they need me to be if I leave (if I don't it is not clear to me that I can - one of the main reasons behind my decisions).

I am working on a plan -- more on that later.

Kind regards,

Green River

[Pine Knoll]

Accidentally signed off with my real name in last post and now I can't seem to fix it ... .can an administrator fox that... .shoudl have used "modify" when I had the chance. Apologies.

[Faith16]

I stayed married to mine for 2 months.  I left for the first time after a month, but he sucked me back in.  I wanted to make it work, thought there was a chance he would
change, but every day I could see that he never would. I hated to give up so soon, to have my first marriage be a failure, & as a Christian I struggled with the idea of divorce.  Finally I realized it would do no good to stay when he saw no issue with his actions.

I've only been gone about a week and a half, and still struggle with it at times, but as I write out the things that happened, I now see the patterns of control & how it was just going to get worse.  Accepting that he never loved me, but I just filled his "need" is probably the hardest part of it all to accept.