Strange behaviour, what do I make of this..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

TL:)R history
My pwBPD had an affair with one of my best friends, when he came to the house of my parents knowing we were there and confronted her, I ended the r/s then and there and basically kicked her out of my house in the following hours, probably confirming the abandonment fears she had. Now she is with him, believing her lies, or at least don't want to believe the truth he knows.

Basically I was in shock, it was just too much to take in at the moment and I just acted (pushing her into this a'hole his arms). A friend of mine gave me some advice to write it all down, both my feelings towards her and him. After two weeks, I sent them both the mail I've been scribbling in for two weeks. They were, despite all the pain they caused me, with my best effort, fair and honest, expressing both the positive and negative sides. I told her this was my last contact towards her. When my parents read them, my mother had some tears, my social worker and the few friends that read it were silent or impressed.

After all I read about BPD and I'm convinced she shared a lot of traits, I still don't understand two things.

1. She was dating him for a month or so (again), but didn't have a lot time to do it, most of the time she was with me. In that month she brought quite a lot of stuff into my/our house, shuffled stuff around in the house and made an effort as far as I could tell. Why would she do that knowing it would all be over soon, if only because she invited us both to join a doctors appointment three weeks later... Why put more stuff in the house knowing the whole thing would end in a couple of weeks.

2. She blocked me on whatsapp and probably on the phone. After she read the email, the following two-three weeks she was on my domotica (the stuff that controls my lights and stuff through the internet) a couple times a day when she wouldn't be with him. That subsided for a couple of weeks, but when a close friend told them both he would be visiting me, the day after she immediately looked again. Now she looks every now and again. In a way she is checking up on me (blocking it is a bit difficult).

What do I make of this, do I need to be worried or is this "normal" behavior when you go in NC mode? I do think she didn't expect my strong reaction, ending things immediately after I found out, while I was understanding at the first hints (with hindsight) of the affair.

I'm kind of afraid she will be on my doorstep again and I'm only hoping I'm not having a bad day missing her when she does.

[anonymous1234]

TL:)R history
My pwBPD had an affair with one of my best friends, when he came to the house of my parents knowing we were there and confronted her, I ended the r/s then and there and basically kicked her out of my house in the following hours, probably confirming the abandonment fears she had. Now she is with him, believing her lies, or at least don't want to believe the truth he knows.

Basically I was in shock, it was just too much to take in at the moment and I just acted (pushing her into this a'hole his arms). A friend of mine gave me some advice to write it all down, both my feelings towards her and him. After two weeks, I sent them both the mail I've been scribbling in for two weeks. They were, despite all the pain they caused me, with my best effort, fair and honest, expressing both the positive and negative sides. I told her this was my last contact towards her. When my parents read them, my mother had some tears, my social worker and the few friends that read it were silent or impressed.

After all I read about BPD and I'm convinced she shared a lot of traits, I still don't understand two things.

1. She was dating him for a month or so (again), but didn't have a lot time to do it, most of the time she was with me. In that month she brought quite a lot of stuff into my/our house, shuffled stuff around in the house and made an effort as far as I could tell. Why would she do that knowing it would all be over soon, if only because she invited us both to join a doctors appointment three weeks later... Why put more stuff in the house knowing the whole thing would end in a couple of weeks.

2. She blocked me on whatsapp and probably on the phone. After she read the email, the following two-three weeks she was on my domotica (the stuff that controls my lights and stuff through the internet) a couple times a day when she wouldn't be with him. That subsided for a couple of weeks, but when a close friend told them both he would be visiting me, the day after she immediately looked again. Now she looks every now and again. In a way she is checking up on me (blocking it is a bit difficult).

What do I make of this, do I need to be worried or is this "normal" behavior when you go in NC mode? I do think she didn't expect my strong reaction, ending things immediately after I found out, while I was understanding at the first hints (with hindsight) of the affair.

I'm kind of afraid she will be on my doorstep again and I'm only hoping I'm not having a bad day missing her when she does.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, so she is motivated to keep an attachment, or the feelings of one, alive with you, because it makes her feel better.  Of course you could say then why was she seeing this other guy, when she had an attachment with me?  The disorder.  She's internally conflicted due to the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, trying to deal with those can cause impulsive behavior, which she then feels ashamed about, so move a bunch of stuff into your place, because she's living a lie, feels ashamed about it, and needs the attachments.

I'm kind of afraid she will be on my doorstep again and I'm only hoping I'm not having a bad day missing her when she does.

And the best way to deal with that is focus on your detachment, focus on taking your power back, and if she does show up, you can make decisions from a centered, balanced place, not one that gives her all the power.  So what are you going to do to move your detachment forward right now?

[anonymous1234]

Hmm, I can understand the engulfment part a bit. After 11 months living together (most of the time) I was tired of the 90% solution and there were no reasons left to not formalize the whole thing. So I said to her that we were going to fix the whole lot so we could finally live our own lives, forget about the past and concentrate on our future together. She agreed. Although she was married and lived together with the previous guy this probably scared her?

About detaching, I probably need more time without any reminders of her and the situation with that "best" friend of mine. I'm also doing a lot of stuff in my home to keep my mind of things and to create a nice place for myself

I try to think less and less about it, but it's hard because they are so close both physically and socially and it's driving a wedge in the group of friends. Bottom line is that I'm not seeing my friends as much as I used too and had to re-evaluate a lot of my relationships with the people around me. Some grew closer, some I have written of completely or partially.

In this situation detaching is not easy. I'm not only dealing with the loss of this r/s, but also the loss of a friend I saw 1-2 times a week, the betrayal of the same guy(he lied to my face hoping I'd confront her and the r/s would end so he could pick up the pieces... He even boasted to the friends about doing it and used them to force me. Talking about huburus... Still they accept him going swimming with them every Tuesday, what the heck) and the turmoil the whole situation created. It's a lot to take in if I'm honest, I'm feeling quite lonely at times, lacking support from friends.

I would have given anything if she had taken a stranger for the affair. Although I probably understand why she did as well, he was an easy victim, low self esteem and very little experience with women. So when she gave him her attention he was all ears. And she was susceptible to his undivided attention, because hey, she's pretty and I can have her.

Spineless ass. I've never been so wrong about anyone and never been lied to by two persons I trusted so much.

Still, I hate the fact that this dude sabotaged my relationship and won, at least in the short term. I'm mad at him to the bone. Maybe it's strange, but sometimes it's harder to deal deal with his betrayal (and his smug face when he did it) and the consequences of that than the loss of my r/s with her.

Although, that's not totally true, I just miss both the companionship and her a lot, especially on the Sundays and during this summer: I'm not going on vacation while he went to Italy with her for 3 weeks (what we wanted to do... ). Because I don't want to be confronted I'm not going on vacation this year, my only options are alone or with a group of strangers, so I'd rather not go.

Long story short. It's just a lot to take in and I need time, maybe more than I'd like.

[married21years]

they have to control a relationship and interactions and blocking is a great way of doing this.

good luck

[heartandwhole]

Hi anonymous1234,

That IS a lot to take in, and I think you are handling things well. That is a heck of a betrayal to deal with. I know I'd feel gutted and really angry at my friend. You seem to be using that energy as fuel for taking care of yourself and your home—well done!

It's so normal to wonder about your ex's behavior, and to hope that you are not feeling "weak" should she try to engage with you again. I felt that way, too. But as you said, the longer time passes, the more you will have taken a step back from the situation and be able to see the bigger picture. It looks like that image includes two people you trusted who trampled your values of honesty and loyalty. Probably not people you want to be around(which doesn't mean you can't feel love, compassion, or even forgiveness for them at any point in the process).

Right now, you are grieving a significant loss, and that is a serious challenge. Feel your feelings and keep putting one foot in front of the other, as you have been doing. There will come a moment when you decide not to spend any more of your precious life minutes focused on them and you will feel free and excited about where your life is going. It may not be today, or next week, but the day will come. We'll be here to celebrate with you. 

heartandwhole

[anonymous1234]

they have to control a relationship and interactions and blocking is a great way of doing this.

good luck

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand

@heartandwhole Thanks, you're right, I can forgive her for what she did knowing that she probably has a hard time dealing with it herself. That is not a complete excuse, she was aware of her actions, but I can understand what's happened to her (kind of). They are hard to understand though, bringing in stuff in the last two weeks with her parents, I changed the tires of her parents' cars, etc while she was seeing him. It's very conflicting what she did in the last two months, she lied a lot but at the same time as far as I could tell she sincerely loved me and seemed surprised I ended the r/s (and then mad saying we didn't have a r/s at all, probably to secure the r/s with him I guess). Difficult to comprehend.

I will never forgive him though, when I'm over this anger he will be dead to me and I don't want to see him again. This will create tension and I probably loose friends over it because he is able to just carry on, especially now that she is with him, while I'm the guy sulking. I respect that choice (although I don't understand and like it) and have to live with the consequences of my decisions. On the other hand, what are those relationships worth if they choose him over me because of convenience.

So be it, it's hard and another thing to adjust to, but in the end I probably end up with people I can really trust, not just people I can have a drink with.

[fromheeltoheal]

they have to control a relationship and interactions and blocking is a great way of doing this.

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand

Borderlines fear the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, with contentment only being found on the fence between them, which is always moving; that accounts for the push/pull behavior, trying to find that happy balance between the two fears.

So a way to attempt to control the fears is to control the emotional distance in the relationship; you get too far away, she pulls you back, you get too close, she pushes you away, with the belief that she's in control of how close you can be.  Clearly that is not an equal partnership, and it never could be.

[anonymous1234]

Although I recognize that behavior within my r/s with her, I can't say she is doing that after the day I ended things. I sent her a mail outlining my feelings for her, both the good and the conflicted ones. Zero response. I did leave a message in the domotica stuff she could contact me if she wanted to, but otherwise she should let me go. Never heard a single blip other than she looking in the domotica stuff.

Don't know what to make of it, she is probably influenced by that "friend" of mine. She could be furious at her ex husband for a **** coffee machine. I told her it was done then and there and that the furniture we bought together stayed with me because she owed me money (which she denied, of course). I did expect she would be angry about that, because I've also experienced the other side: painting her ex husband black.

[anonymous1234]

And she has done it again. Probably because she read my reply in a group on Whatsapp. My main group of friends is going to a party and she and my replacement are going to be there. I told the group I wanted to go, but because of the company and the situation I do not want to go and wished them good fun. The tickets I ordered for me and her were available to give away.

When reminded of me she seems to check up on me this way or when she is reminded by a friend of my existence she reacts strangely, like she is scared a bit or something. Weird.