She's sick

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Trying to piece things together and it's very difficult to do.

My son's mother basically told me she asked my son who is now 26 months old if he wanted to see me, he told her no.

He's been with me for 17 days straight, them she said he missed her.

I guess she's sick?

Took him back to his mother Thursday morning and she asked me to have him today. I agreed then came the threatening texts and then saying he didn't want to be with me.

Are pwBPD just so sick, mentally ill they don't realize how hurtful the words they use can be?

Hate themselves and hurt others deliberately?

Or unaware of any reality?

I've had our son almost every day since the middle of June and yet she tries to control him even after that much time by lying about a lawyer.

Biggest question is, why do I not accept her behaviours and let them bother me?

[gotbushels]

Jerry I read over what you mentioned a few times. I'm sorry but it's a little difficult to understand what actually happened.

Is it that your son has been with you, therefore, he had no way of saying those things that his mother alleges that he said?

What is the connection between him being with you for 17 days straight and then her saying your son missed his mother?


Details of the dialogues of who said what and when aside, what is the behaviour she is exhibiting that you cannot accept? I can see clearly that it bothers you, but before going there, what is the behaviour you cannot accept?

[Lilyroze]

  Jerry,

Remember your promise to yourself foremost, your son, and  to your sponsor keep on your path. You are doing great, learning, healing and growing. Don't forget what we talked about don't fall like Alice in Wonderland into the rabbit hole.

Yes she has issues remember that Jerry. We have to remember we didn't cause it, can't cure it nor control it.

That is OK if she fails herself and son at moment you are going to be there for your son.

You are a good Dad. Don't let her make you believe otherwise. She is projecting, and quite frankly too self absorbed right now, too many problems. Neither of us want to see her fail. But don't stand on the tracks nor on the side watching the train wreck.

Get on the stage for your own show Jerry, shine your light. "Light a candle don't curse the darkness."

Best part in all this. Even though she is sick. You have a plan. The plan we spoke about in the thread. So when the thought comes up, let it pass and then say but I am fine, my son is fine. I have a plan for his and my care no matter what.

Many of warned you she is going to implode I truly hope she doesn't and pulls herself together, can be there for him and co parent with you in a healthy way. Her ability is just not there yet.

That is why you have your plan, your strength and your son is blessed to have you. When he smiles next time with you or does that giggle be in the moment of love. That is your payment and key, love.

   Be true to you right now. Self love, self compassion. Find the joy in the day tomorrow. I look forward to a Jerry inspirational post if you have time, as well as any you need to vent or just be you.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Lilyroze, gotbushels

Sorry for the confusion

I've had my son for about 5 weeks now, she's had him a couple days in between. When she wants him back she reminds me she's in charge and makes threats about lawyers and judges and saying I will never see him again.

Then I take him to her and she hands him right back.

Same old drama and control.

I am not sure why I was so angry yesterday, I read her texts and as usual they are so confusing and make no sense that it's only after reading them a few more times to i begin to understand her intent. Yesterday her intent was to bully me, tell me our son didn't want to be with me while he missed her. Same old being mean.

Most days I can brush her comments off as her mental illness but some days it just hurts and I'm doing the best I can it makes sense to be supportive and appreciate that I am caring so well for our son.

Up is down, left is right when she interacts with me, and I am still caught in her control and manipulation and that is my responsibility.

Thank you for your kind words of support and I really like hearing positive truthful statements. The lies are difficult to deal with when my exgf just rattles off her version of reality.

Thank you! 

[enlighten me]

I too struggled at first to get to grips with my exs behaviours when it came to the children. I have two uBPD exs. My ex wife that I have two teenage boys with and my exgf who I have a three year old with. When it comes to the children there are afew differences but most of their behaviour is the same.

A huge driving force is fear of abandonment. What if they love their dad more and want to live with him? For this I have had lies about the childrens feelings, bribes thrown at them, been refused access the list goes on. My teens now live with me and want nothing more to do with their mum.

My exgf is fine with me having our son but does restrict the length of time I have him. She goes out of her way to do fun things with him (not a bad thing but it can be a bit over the top and when she talks about it it was the most amazing thing ever).

I get more time when my exgf is in a relationship and a lot less sniping and coldness. Over time ive learnt to roll with the punches and not take things to heart.

A good tip is to never respond straight away. A lot of the time we can make things worse by reacting. Grab what time you can, be as flexible as possible, dont be a door mat though. By avoiding arguments my exs eventually got bored of trying to start them.

[stimpy]

If I have this right, you and your ex are sharing custody of your son, but live apart.

So to my mind, she is either lonely, or bored or both. And she is desperately trying to attract your attention by provoking you. By doing this she maintains the attachment (at least in her mind) and therefore doesn't feel abandoned. It's also is a way of trying to control you and your emotions.

Mine tried something similar for months and months after dumping me, there was no purpose other than to get a reaction out of me. In the end I asked her to stop and told her I was done with her attempts to provoke me and to stop it. And gradually her behaviour died down and now I've been free for about 6 weeks.

All she was doing was trying to provoke me, maintain the attachment and try and control me through my emotions. It is only when I completely stopped reacting that she eventually left me alone.

I know that option isn't open to you, you have to maintain contact, but how you respond, and when and in what way, might serve to eventually change her behaviour. Just a thought.

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

My son's mother is with a new guy, they fight and he's beat her up at least once that I'm aware of. Found out he's broke into her building 2 times and maybe a 3rd? Typical for my exgf, she's mean and controlling and will drive anyone crazy.

I have made it clear on many occasions I'm not her friend, never was and never will be, friends are honest. My exgf cannot tell the truth no matter what. Her mother, our sons grandmother warned me about this. I didn't listen or thought I could change her and love her into bliss.

I thought I was an exception, special, she would always love me. She don't know what love is.

[married21years]

Jerry

she wants your son with her!

she will distort any reality to get what she wants to lessen her pain

17 days without her son will feel like torture to her!

stay calm and record all communications

 

hang in there bud

stay strong. stay focused, stay on message and do things the way you want! 

[Sadly]

Hi Jerry
Remember this I wrote for you? stay strong for you and your boy. Xx

Come to me my little lad
Let me keep you safe and warm
Let me wrap my arms around you
And shelter you from harm.
Together we will play our games
And slay the dragons bold
Together we will story tell
When you are grown and I am old
And when the story can be told
Of how you came to be
You will know how much I love you
That you mean the world to me

Love from Sadly xx

[JerryRG]

Thank you everyone

Got my son off to daycare this morning, first day of perminent placement. He is so happy there, he looks forward to going.

Had to text his mother last night just to tell her our son is ok, she made a bunch of excuses about not being able to wake up well after the time our son needs to be in dc. She also went on to describe her health issues and infections.

I did not respond

Life is better than ever, my son is healthy and happy and things are going very well.

That poem makes me cry every time I read it, Sadly

It does keep what I'm doing in perspective

Thanks again everyone 

[bunny4523]

Then I take him to her and she hands him right back.

Same old drama and control.

I am not sure why I was so angry yesterday, I read her texts and as usual they are so confusing and make no sense that it's only after reading them a few more times to i begin to understand her intent. Yesterday her intent was to bully me, tell me our son didn't want to be with me while he missed her. Same old being mean.

I think it might help if you don't try and make sense out of it.  When you read the text messages, try and "discard" things that are not valid.  You get to decide what is and is not valid.  Don't let it sink in, don't let it get in your head.  Just "disregard" it.

of course your son misses his mom and OF COURSE HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU TOO.  You've got to KNOW the truth inside you and not let her words in.  When this happens, try to look at her with a bubble around her... .and all the means things spewing out but staying with her... .disregard and see it as SHE is having a bad day.  That's it... .has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you need to do with it.  As you know, these frenzies will pass and she will be sending you pics of your son soon enough saying "he misses you". 

I know it's hard... .it takes time and it goes against all that is natural which is to understand and resolve conflict but she isn't capable.  All you will do is exert uneccesary energy and damage your soul if you let it in.

You are ok, she is not... .I think she is projecting but don't try to analyze it or understand it.  Just disregard it.  She isn't your problem anymore.  One day, your son will need your help on how to deal with his mom.  You will have it down by then... .just keep practicing. 

Hope you have a good day,
Bunny

[enlighten me]

I disagree bunny. When you have children then the other parent like it or not is still there. My boys want nothing more to do with their mum and live with me. It didnt stop her taking me to court and accuse me of brain washing them.

My youngest with my uBPDxgf sees me all the time. By analysing her behaviour I have managed to keep things relatively drama free.

Yes your ex isnt your problem anymore but with children involved you still get some of the drama. Its how you handle it that matters. ive been drama free with my exgf for months now. My secret. Dont react.