Wanting to never see her again

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Just thinking how nice it would be to never have to see or talk to my son's mother ever again.

I am grateful that I made the choices I did to move me to a much better life of true peace and joy. Giving her any credit would be wrong. I hear people in AA say they are "grateful they are alcoholic" because it lead them to recovery.

My sponsor said he wasn't grateful for the horror of his illness or the destruction it caused.

I'm grateful for the hard work I did to get away from my exgf, I cannot get far enough away for my satisfaction. My friend told me to consider my exgf dead, I agree that she is lifeless.

I still get sick when I have to deal with her, and I cannot find one thing I like about her, except her absence.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Jerry-

My friend told me to consider my exgf dead, I agree that she is lifeless.

Is it possible to tweak that a little to consider the version of her you wanted her to be, maybe thought she was, dead, and work on accepting her for who she really is?

I cannot find one thing I like about her

How about she gave birth to your son, no small feat yes?

[JerryRG]

Thanks fromheeltoheal

Well she abused drugs while she was pregnant then told her doctors I was giving her the pills, then went to treatment and I wasnt allowed to see her or him. All that time telling me I will never be alone with our son and she would find a dad for him.  Telling me 2 days ago my son don't want to be with me, I've had him almost a whole month while she sleeps and dreams up pretend illnesses. Living off our sons child support while I pay all the bills and take care of him and work.

I'm having a difficult time finding any reason not to hate her. She's obseen

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm having a difficult time finding any reason not to hate her.

I gave you one, she gave birth to the beautiful son you love, so there's that.

And I understand.  I hated my ex too, and I can tell you it was a phase that passed, and the best things we can do while we're in it are take very good care of ourselves, and don't do anything with the anger that makes things worse; find healthy outlets for it, like the gym.

[JerryRG]

I am grateful for a healthy son, his mother is anything but healthy, physically or emotionally and definitely not spiritually. She askes me to take our son, waits until I agree then sends degrading texts filled with threats and saying our son misses her? And don't want to be with me, sorry but that's just wrong and twisted and then I'm not allowed to defend the truth or stand up for myself because that may trigger her?

I seem to be the only one giving again and while that's no surprise and certainly nothing new I'm growing tired of her bs. Who has time to go to a gym with a 2 year old and all the running around I have to do? (I know this is just pity, ) I'm on a roll.

Good grief I'm going to have to get our sons child support and maybe her living on the streets once more will be the encouragement she needs to get off her lazy ### and get help!

There, I'm done complaining

[fromheeltoheal]

There, I'm done complaining

Complain away, better to get it out, and while you're at it, it doesn't hurt to cultivate and foster gratitude and compassion too, if for no other reason than it lowers your stress level, and eventually that's where you'll be full time.  Ever notice you can't be grateful and angry at the same time?

[JerryRG]

Yes and I am truly grateful for everything, I'm just stressed out when a allow myself to worry, being broke and then beaten isn't enjoyable. I told someone last night my son's mother has a thing about sabotaging all the good things in her life, losing her only child is going to be one huge blow when she finally grasps the reality of the situation. Then she will be back to suicide threats and eating out of dumpsters again. She just believes this is her destiny. BPD

[JerryRG]

Could it be, my son's mother is only interested in him as long as I'm involved? She text me last night around 11pm, hours after our son was in bed. It's almost 2:30am and she has not inquired about our son. She must be too busy, sick or having fun. Grandma asked if I would pick my son up at 8am tomorrow morning to make sure he gets to daycare, I said, why take him home to mother at all? I'm taking care of our son 24/7, buying all the food, diapers paying all the bills. What exactly is her role in patenting again? Other than beating me up in texts, ignoring our son and being sick.

I said shouldn't I have his child support? She said she agreed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Could it be, my son's mother is only interested in him as long as I'm involved?

Borderlines need to attach to feel whole.  My ex got her attachment needs partially met with her children, she described the connection she got breast feeding her child at 2 in the morning as absolute nirvana for her, but that might not be true with your ex.  But borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, so she may see your son as a way to stay attached to you, valid point.

I said shouldn't I have his child support? She said she agreed.

Have you posted on the Coparenting and Family Law boards Jerry?  I didn't have kids with my ex, but everyone on those boards did, and you will get value there for issues like this.  And the other piece is detaching from her, and this board is where it's at for that.

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

I really appreciate your help and experience.

I just text my son's mother, she seemed confused and finally told me about her health issues, says she's fighting off an unknown infection. I've asked politely to stop sharing her health issues with me.

Sent a screenshot to her mother, (grandma) telling grandma I wanted to cry because my son's mother never changes.

Grandmother's response was to just not think about her because there is nothing anyone can do about her anymore.

Grandma gets it.

I told her, I tried to help as long as I could, I couldn't do anything to help my son's mother.

So focus on my son and myself, the truth comes out eventually.

[fromheeltoheal]

Grandmother's response was to just not think about her because there is nothing anyone can do about her anymore.

Whoa.  A mother's gotta get pushed pretty far to take that stance.

So focus on my son and myself

Nice!   

[married21years]

hey Jerry

this is perfectly normal, losing someone is like grief for the future you hoped for for all the time, love and effort

you are stage 2 

read this bud

www.psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

hope it helps and there is no hurry to progress if you are happy being angry you be happy

this is your own journey but a path that is heavily traveled

 

[StayStrongNow]

JerryRG, I thank you for your post, your story is a little different but a lot the same. I have sole custody of my D10, D8 and S6. I pay her maintenance and stopped paying child support. Now petitions this and petitions that and she is fighting that. She got this way by her multiple arrests, charges and convictions, a bad case of BPD.

I so agree that I dread the verbal, texting or emailing I have to do with the stbxBPDw. Also I have her mother stbxBPDmil who is coaching her daughter the strange ways of BPD in every day life.

The replacement is practically moved in and now as part of the marriage separation agreement she wants me to waive cohabitation as grounds for terminating maintenance.

I at times hate the stbxBPDw too.

But on the other hand, these ambassadors have given me great wisdom on posts before and they gave a valid point. The road to my recovery and healing will have to come by acceptance and well however tough, forgiveness.

The more I learn about BPD and see why the r/s is the way it is, how she really is and the effect on the kids and me, well there is a feeling starting to grow from an itty bitty seed of pity for her. She has BPD, most probably will always be inflicted and at best she will have moments of brief remission but you and I don't and never will.

I am starting to pity her, she's screwed.

[Splitblack4good]

I'm having a difficult time finding any reason not to hate her. She's obseen

I thought you had stolen my thread ! Exactly the same as me few minor details different . I don't hate my ex I wanted to but what's the point in hanging on to hate that's what she does.

[JerryRG]

Thank you StayStrongNow

I do pity her but I pity our son so much more, and yes forgiveness is the only answer.

I ignored the red flags, I had sex with her in spite of her behaviours and for this I am responsible. I got myself into this mess and it has made me a much better person. My son is awesome and I still cannot believe I have him and after her saying I would never be alone with him.

Shows how much worry is worth, her threats are hallow and meaningless

Yes she is cursed with this disorder for life, we are not. We can change and adapt, they may not.

My sponsor told me to be grateful she's out of my life, another friend when I asked her, what could be more important to a mother than her child? She said, many things, just be glad you're not one of them.

Crazy is how I still sometimes want my exgf back even though it would be pure misery and ultimately my distruction.

I tried to save her, I tried to change her, I thought I could help her be happy. She loves her misery and illness or she's too afraid to try to change.

Either way, it's not my problem and never was

Taking care of my son and myself is a full time job, she's an adult (?) time for her to take care of herself

Have a great day StayStrongNow

[JerryRG]

Thanks Splitblack4good

I've heard the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

If I hate her it's because I still have feelings for her, I wish I didn't but I still do. I care about her, just like I care about any sick person.

I just have to realize I cannot help her or change her, detach with love. Care from a distance and effective bounderies to protect my son and myself from her toxic illness.

I cannot care for my son or myself if I allow myself to let her make me sick. It's difficult to do but to me it's like exercise, she keeps helping me develope more skills when she attacks me with lies and manipulation, it just makes me stronger.

Isn't strange how similar pwBPD behave? My sponsor told me she isn't that complicated.

Her mother told me I just need to outsmart her, I said I am smart but I'm not devious.

[Splitblack4good]

  JerryRG

I know how you feel and you just have to think how it will get better .
The main reason I could detach this time is when she did this to me last time I learnt as much as I could about BPD and the guys on here were great . Its was over a 3 month period she replaced me a drug dealer that was also a woman beater . She actually was physically abused by this guy .
She reached out and I went back she even said she wish she hadn't done it and o was the only person in her life that had been so good to her and the only one who even looked into her illness to try and help her . But look at were I am now and exactly the same way she done it again . I told her if she done it that would be us done for good . She knows now I hope I ment it .