pretty sure I know the answer

[Astronaut]

So... .just wondering. Since I have already told her that I will contact her in a couple of months, what if I decide not to do that? Could that trigger her abandonment issues, even if she doesn't actually want to hear from me? I know that seems counter-intuitive, but so do a lot of other BPD traits from the perspective of a non.

I realize that my primary duty is to my own well-being in this situation, but at the same time, it seems unnecessarily cruel and thoughtless to trigger someone's most devastating fears if it can be avoided.

[satahal]

So... .just wondering. Since I have already told her that I will contact her in a couple of months, what if I decide not to do that? Could that trigger her abandonment issues, even if she doesn't actually want to hear from me? I know that seems counter-intuitive, but so do a lot of other BPD traits from the perspective of a non.

I realize that my primary duty is to my own well-being in this situation, but at the same time, it seems unnecessarily cruel and thoughtless to trigger someone's most devastating fears if it can be avoided.

It seems she has been really clear about not wanting to pursue the r/s so I would doubt the lack of future contact will devastate her.

I read through the thread and it concerns me that no one has brought up the fact that you have been ignoring her wishes to end the r/s and contact. If she was/is suicidal and has BPD and is thus incredibly fragile, why would you continue to pursue her? She's in no state to handle a r/s. She may have impulsively jumped into bed with you once but that doesn't mean you know her or are responsible for her well-being and clearly she doesn't want you to be.

[Astronaut]

I read through the thread and it concerns me that no one has brought up the fact that you have been ignoring her wishes to end the r/s and contact.

I'm not ignoring anything. It was actually her suggestion that we maintain contact. She said she wanted me to let her know what was going on in my life. She later reiterated that she would like to be friends. She has never expressly said anything to contradict that. And since she left town I have not actively pursued anything beyond friendship in the very limited number of times I have contacted her. I am contemplating contacting her at some point in the future (i.e. months from now) to see how she feels. Between now and then I could very well change my mind. In the meantime I am keeping my distance and letting her have time. I think I am being very respectful of her space and not invalidating her feelings.

I felt a strong connection with her in the admittedly limited time I was with her, and if the things she said to me can be taken at face value, she very much felt the same, but it was too much too soon for her in her heartbroken state. (And yes, I realize that if she has BPD she was likely idealizing me.) I respect her boundaries so I'm backing off. If there's a chance of reconnecting with her in the future, I would like to pursue it at that time. I haven't told her that, because I don't want to put any pressure on her.

[Astronaut]

Thanks for your perspective, though. You may very well be right.

[satahal]

I read through the thread and it concerns me that no one has brought up the fact that you have been ignoring her wishes to end the r/s and contact.

I'm not ignoring anything. It was actually her suggestion that we maintain contact. She said she wanted me to let her know what was going on in my life. She later reiterated that she would like to be friends. She has never expressly said anything to contradict that. And since she left town I have not actively pursued anything beyond friendship in the very limited number of times I have contacted her. I am contemplating contacting her at some point in the future (i.e. months from now) to see how she feels. Between now and then I could very well change my mind. In the meantime I am keeping my distance and letting her have time. I think I am being very respectful of her space and not invalidating her feelings.

I felt a strong connection with her in the admittedly limited time I was with her, and if the things she said to me can be taken at face value, she very much felt the same, but it was too much too soon for her in her heartbroken state. (And yes, I realize that if she has BPD she was likely idealizing me.) I respect her boundaries so I'm backing off. If there's a chance of reconnecting with her in the future, I would like to pursue it at that time. I haven't told her that, because I don't want to put any pressure on her.

Sorry if I missed something - I'd read some parts where in the immediate aftermath she said she'd had a breakdown and couldn't or didn't want to continue and ignored your message or unfriended.

I guess it just came across in your description that you are reading a lot into this that may not be really there or ongoing. Maybe she fell in love for 24 hours and for you it was longer.

Sorry for your pain.

[Astronaut]

Sorry if I missed something - I'd read some parts where in the immediate aftermath she said she'd had a breakdown and couldn't or didn't want to continue and ignored your message or unfriended.

I feel like I need to add some details here. We only ever planned it as a short-term fling due to her impending move. It was going to last 3-4 weeks, with the possibility of continuing to "play" whenever she was back in town if we were both single. But we ended up getting emotionally attached very quickly. Far too quickly. She saw that it was growing into something beyond a casual fling, and she panicked. It was making her feel very conflicted about her plans. She even told me that I made her want to stay. When she cut things off she told me that she couldn't keep doing it because she was fresh from a breakup and she had a lot of issues to work on. Yes, there was a breakdown followed by a suicide attempt. And yes, that indicates that she was absolutely correct and that she isn't stable enough to be in a relationship. I have never tried to convince her otherwise, because I don't disagree with her. That's why I'm not actively pursuing her, nor have I given her any reason to think that I ever intend to. She does, however, know how I feel about her, which hasn't changed.

I guess it just came across in your description that you are reading a lot into this that may not be really there or ongoing. Maybe she fell in love for 24 hours and for you it was longer.

Maybe. (It was closer to a week, but I see your point.) If that's the case, then obviously things aren't going to pan out for me no matter how long I wait. But I feel that if there are genuine feelings there, it's worth pursuing—but only when we are both healthy enough for it. Only she will know when or if she will be ready for that. Six months? A year? Never? I don't know, but I do know that I don't want to start a relationship with a suicidally depressed person who is still focused on a previous partner. That would not be healthy for either of us and would likely end with both parties getting very hurt. So I'm not trying to push anything on her, nor am I counting on anything. I am trying to be realistic about my chances and about the fact that if anything does happen, it likely won't be in the near future.

During the time I am NC with her, I could realize that I am over her, or I could very well decide that it will never be worth pursuing.

[Astronaut]

Thanks for the advice and things to ponder, everyone. I think I'll take a break from posting about this and focus on my own therapy and self-care. I will return when I make some sort of decision, or if anything else changes.

[Astronaut]

Hey everyone. Just an update. I decided it would be best not to contact her after all, for several reasons. It just seems as if it wouldn't make anything better. Our connection/intimacy was powerful but very fleeting, and after she ended it she clearly wanted nothing more to do with it or me, despite her assurances that we could be friends.

Inexplicably, I still have very powerful feelings when I think about her. It's a complex mixture of sadness, regret, and longing that is seemingly out of proportion to how long we were together. I understand why, though. My feelings for her built up very quickly and then were cut off, so they never had any sort of resolution, which left me with a sense of futility, combined with a feeling of wanting to help her because she was so obviously messed up.

But there's nothing I can do about that. She doesn't want me in her life, and I can see objectively that having her in mine would do me more harm than good. It's not her fault, but she's a vortex of pain and sorrow, and the fact that this is something I'm attracted to tells me that I need to work on myself more in order to figure out why I'm drawn to women who are unstable and self-destructive. It's not healthy for me to be involved with people like that, and so there's no reason I should find it desirable.

None of which means that I can't feel compassion and empathy for her. It just means that I can feel those things without trying to be part of her life. And dwelling on something that happened in June isn't going to help me move forward in my own life.

So that's that. I won't contact her, and I'm pretty certain she won't ever contact me. There is a very slight overlap in our social circles (we have exactly one Facebook friend in common), so there is a slim chance that I might run into her at some point when she is back in town visiting friends and family. If that ever happens, I'm sure we'll just say an awkward hello and leave it at that.

Thanks for your advice and perspectives, everyone. I'm reasonably sure this is that last you'll ever hear from me on this subject.