Who left your relationship?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Over the last year I have told my exuBPDw divorce story to a number of people that, without solicitation, came to the conclusion that I was the one who left the marriage, as much as she did. 

I find this to be an irreconcilable inconsistency with how I have the story clearly painted in my mind.  Yet, multiple unrelated people have had this similar response. 

She was the one that literally said she wants a divorce, then moved out, got a new place and declined requests for reconciliation on multiple occasions.  So I still have some confusion as to why anyone would indicate that I was the "leaver".

In my heart I believe she absolutely ended it by orchestrating a no-win situation and then shutting me off before realizing a solution to the problems.   Yet, in my mind I know that I got really sick and tired of it all and there were times I just wanted to leave and likely acted in accordance with that.

So, I was curious to hear how you were answering this question for yourself and if you were uncertain about who was the person that ended it all? 


MY ANSWER TO THE POLL:
For me, since I have shifted a few times on the response, I would have to rank the answers as to which ones I pick my most frequently:    - I am not making this up!   

Here is the ranking of how I have most frequently replied to this question (ranking includes how I responded to my own internal dialogue):
2, 4, 3 and 1

[joeramabeme]

Over the last year I have told my exuBPDw divorce story to a number of people that, without solicitation, came to the conclusion that I was the one who left the marriage, as much as she did. 

I find this to be an irreconcilable inconsistency with how I have the story clearly painted in my mind.  Yet, multiple unrelated people have had this similar response. 

She was the one that literally said she wants a divorce, then moved out, got a new place and declined requests for reconciliation on multiple occasions.  So I still have some confusion as to why anyone would indicate that I was the "leaver".

In my heart I believe she absolutely ended it by orchestrating a no-win situation and then shutting me off before realizing a solution to the problems.   Yet, in my mind I know that I got really sick and tired of it all and there were times I just wanted to leave and likely acted in accordance with that.

So, I was curious to hear how you were answering this question for yourself and if you were uncertain about who was the person that ended it all? 


MY ANSWER TO THE POLL:
For me, since I have shifted a few times on the response, I would have to rank the answers as to which ones I pick my most frequently:    - I am not making this up!   

Here is the ranking of how I have most frequently replied to this question (ranking includes how I responded to my own internal dialogue):
2, 4, 3 and 1

[vortex of confusion]

My response was "I am not sure".

Technically, I am the one that asked him to leave. After almost 18 years of marriage, I had enough and told him to leave.

Prior to him leaving, I had checked out of the relationship. He had checked out way before that and refused to admit it. I can't tell you when I checked out. I think it was probably some time around the 15 year mark when I tried to ask him for help. I told him that I needed him to be more present and available for me and the kids. That fell on deaf ears. Some other stuff happened and his solution, after 15 friggin' years of marriage and 4 kids was, "Let's see other people. You can have a boyfriend if you want."

If I hadn't asked him to leave, he would still be there. He started an SA program and kept telling me to give it a year. I think it ended up being two or three years of him telling me that I was too demanding and asking too much and pretty much telling me that he was doing the best he could. Outside observers were telling me that I wasn't demanding enough and had the bar set so low that he could pretty much trip over it. Needless to say, when I express guilt or doubt about ending things, I am told that I wasn't really given much choice.

In some ways, I wonder if he was ever really in the relationship. At times, it feels like I was having a relationship with myself. If I could have found a way to be okay with things, we would still be together. He would still be perfectly content to let me take care of him and everything else. In that regard, I am the one that left. I got tired and just couldn't do it any more.

[Turkish]

Over the last year I have told my exuBPDw divorce story to a number of people that, without solicitation, came to the conclusion that I was the one who left the marriage, as much as she did.  

Do these people explain why they think that?

Though there was a huge external trigger in her FOO which resulted in her behaving more oddly and lashing out at her mom (traits I had not seen the previous 5 years),  truthfully,  I was sick and tired of being put down,  told I wasn't a man,  and the like.  So I did do what she later accused me of to justify her cheating: I withdrew emotionally.  That isn't healthy in a "normal" r/s, and it's like setting off a neutron bomb for someone with borderline traits who needs constant validation and has intense fears of abandonment.  It imploded in far less than a year,  though the signs were there in retrospect soon after D4 was born.

Sure,  I blame her for her actions,  but I can understand her feelings.  That was always a problem.  I understood her very well, but I refused to meet her where she was at after we had a second kid,  and her self-absorption at the expense of her loved ones (especially the kids) disgusted me.  

[drained1996]

I ended mine numerous times... .of course she did to, but I was star light white within no time everytime. 
It was me, certainly not her.  Mine is clear cut, though it took several years... .and even now lingers for her I would think. 

[joeramabeme]

Do these people explain why they think that?

Hi Turkish

One of the people that brought this up to me was an ex T.  I asked for an explanation as to why he thought that and I couldn't get a straight answer.  The best I can understand it is that I filed the divorce paperwork.  I only did that as she was insisting that I pack up and leave with just "my" stuff; she did not see it as "our" stuff so I felt compelled to take action, particularly when she said no to multiple reconciliation requests.

Though there was a huge external trigger in her FOO which resulted in her behaving more oddly and lashing out at her mom (traits I had not seen the previous 5 years),  truthfully,  I was sick and tired of being put down,  told I wasn't a man,  and the like. So I did do what she later accused me of to justify her cheating: I withdrew emotionally.   That isn't healthy in a "normal" r/s, and it's like setting off a neutron bomb for someone with borderline traits who needs constant validation and has intense fears of abandonment.  It imploded in far less than a year,  though the signs were there in retrospect soon after D4 was born.

I relate to exactly what you say above.  I was sick and tired of being verbally bashed and gaslighted and all the petty fighting about matters that were, on the whole, insignificant.  7 months post divorce and I am still struggling and coming to terms with this as most of these things now seem as if they were of no real significance to her.  I am simply amazed at how these "problems" that lead to all this verbal abuse were not problems at all, rather, they were really outlets for her to vent off steam from her own internal discomforts. 

I still catch myself doing things in a certain way that she would want them done with her voice playing in my head as I try to get it right to please her.  And sadly, while I had no problems with trying to please her, though apparently I failed at that, she was never really wanting to be pleased.  I guess this is what is so frequently talked about here; the illusion of our relationships.

Sure,  I blame her for her actions,  but I can understand her feelings.  That was always a problem.  I understood her very well, but I refused to meet her where she was at after we had a second kid,  and her self-absorption at the expense of her loved ones (especially the kids) disgusted me. 

Yes again!  I understand her very well.  And I really had no problem with trying to meet her wherever she stood, but, she would never stay in one place any longer than just enough to state she was unhappy there and then shift again.  We did not have children but tried.  I was unable to adopt with her because I just felt something wasn't right, even though at the time I could not articulate what that was.  Admittedly I have a tremendous amount of guilt about all of that.  Not just for her and the dreams she had but for my own and knowing this was likely a last chance effort.

I really relate to all you wrote, thanks.

JRB

[Lonely_Astro]

I answered "you" because, technically and officially, I did.

But, there's a back story (of course).  She began my discard in October of 15. I held on and tried to improve the R/s until mid December 2015. I found out she had been on a couple of dates with a guy. That was the nail for me. She half attempted to reconcile but I said no.

[Infern0]

I made her end it because I didn't have the strength to do it myself so I started acting out until she left.