My ex girlfriend suffers from ptsd, and have controll issues after she broke up.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me for about 3 months ago. I did NC and she unfriended me on fb, but kept sending me snaps. I did't answer, and after a while (1 month ) i replied, and we had a werry limited text/snap. Suddenly after I did'n answer her for some days. Because she always would start at argument on the phone or just hang up. She showed up on my doorstep! She lives 200 kilometers away. I got a bitt surprised, and afterwards angry. Why did she just show up at my home without txt me or calling ahead.

Well after that I thought we could be friends, and we started to txt each other, but every time I said or wrote something she could turn around to something negative, she would hang up the phone and block me. And then after some days she would unblock me with an excuse about she wouldn't stand for me talking to her like that. When I try to get an explanation about what it was I did or say, she would hang up the phone or block me.

Then she came on a planned visit, and we had a really god time. So again i thought we could have a good tone and build a friendship, but mann was I wrong. 2.th time she came here, she got hysterical, and packed her back, ready for driving home again. I finally got her calmed down,and spent the rest of the day getting her mood up and walking on eggshells.

When she came home and we txt her moodswings started again, and around now i couldn't handel it any more. I started to get depressed and stressed about having contact with her. She kept on doing the push/pull on me.

My friends and family said: Get her out of your life. Block her and move on. You have given her all you can, and she's just to ill to see it.

So finally after I don't know how many times, i caught her throwing small white lies after me. I finally unfriended her. She called me and txt me on every social network and on my phone. I didn't answer. Then about 3-4 days later i called her, about some spesific things. Not relation/friend stuff. But she blocked me. I then send her a text: Hey i tried to call you but seems you blocked me. Would you please call me before you go to work tomorrow. Have a great evening, Kiss.

She read it and of course she didn't call me. So I tried to call her, but surprise, she blocked me on her phone. That was the turning point for me. After talking to my parents, I got the curage to block her from everything.
I do fell so relived, but the strange thing is that, she keeps a door open. I have never blocked a person before like this, so I had to check my diffident sites, FB,Skype, snap and so on. And then I saw that she still follows me on Spotify and haven't done anything on snap. No blocking.

My situation now: Feeling relief, but can still not understand why she have that need to controll me. I know for sure she's suffering much more from the breakup (her first relationship and love. She 22 and I'm 38) than I do, so why don't she just not call or txt me and talk about things and er feelings instead off blaming me and getting hysteric! Anyway she lost her chance now.
I'm just worried about her suddenly showing up on my doorstep again.

Its 3 month now since we broke up.

She sees a therapist, but like in the relationship, only when she feels for it.

I just need somebody to tell me that she one day will look back and knowing that I was good for her and that she because of her illness ruined it. I know a lot about psycological illness. And she's a "textbook example" but still what always puzzles me is their "talent" to project all of their own issues over on their loved ones. And run away from every conversation that could be interpretedas a criticism on or confrontation about a partners feelings.And some how in her head she only hear things from a negativ angel.

[Cosuffer]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me for about 3 months ago. I did NC and she unfriended me on fb, but kept sending me snaps. I did't answer, and after a while (1 month ) i replied, and we had a werry limited text/snap. Suddenly after I did'n answer her for some days. Because she always would start at argument on the phone or just hang up. She showed up on my doorstep! She lives 200 kilometers away. I got a bitt surprised, and afterwards angry. Why did she just show up at my home without txt me or calling ahead.

Well after that I thought we could be friends, and we started to txt each other, but every time I said or wrote something she could turn around to something negative, she would hang up the phone and block me. And then after some days she would unblock me with an excuse about she wouldn't stand for me talking to her like that. When I try to get an explanation about what it was I did or say, she would hang up the phone or block me.

Then she came on a planned visit, and we had a really god time. So again i thought we could have a good tone and build a friendship, but mann was I wrong. 2.th time she came here, she got hysterical, and packed her back, ready for driving home again. I finally got her calmed down,and spent the rest of the day getting her mood up and walking on eggshells.

When she came home and we txt her moodswings started again, and around now i couldn't handel it any more. I started to get depressed and stressed about having contact with her. She kept on doing the push/pull on me.

My friends and family said: Get her out of your life. Block her and move on. You have given her all you can, and she's just to ill to see it.

So finally after I don't know how many times, i caught her throwing small white lies after me. I finally unfriended her. She called me and txt me on every social network and on my phone. I didn't answer. Then about 3-4 days later i called her, about some spesific things. Not relation/friend stuff. But she blocked me. I then send her a text: Hey i tried to call you but seems you blocked me. Would you please call me before you go to work tomorrow. Have a great evening, Kiss.

She read it and of course she didn't call me. So I tried to call her, but surprise, she blocked me on her phone. That was the turning point for me. After talking to my parents, I got the curage to block her from everything.
I do fell so relived, but the strange thing is that, she keeps a door open. I have never blocked a person before like this, so I had to check my diffident sites, FB,Skype, snap and so on. And then I saw that she still follows me on Spotify and haven't done anything on snap. No blocking.

My situation now: Feeling relief, but can still not understand why she have that need to controll me. I know for sure she's suffering much more from the breakup (her first relationship and love. She 22 and I'm 38) than I do, so why don't she just not call or txt me and talk about things and er feelings instead off blaming me and getting hysteric! Anyway she lost her chance now.
I'm just worried about her suddenly showing up on my doorstep again.

Its 3 month now since we broke up.

She sees a therapist, but like in the relationship, only when she feels for it.

I just need somebody to tell me that she one day will look back and knowing that I was good for her and that she because of her illness ruined it. I know a lot about psycological illness. And she's a "textbook example" but still what always puzzles me is their "talent" to project all of their own issues over on their loved ones. And run away from every conversation that could be interpretedas a criticism on or confrontation about a partners feelings.And some how in her head she only hear things from a negativ angel.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cosuffer-

Welcome!  Your description of what happened is common here, and I'm sorry you're going through that, it's painful and confusing.

I just need somebody to tell me that she one day will look back and knowing that I was good for her and that she because of her illness ruined it. I know a lot about psycological illness.

We can't tell you that she will look back one day with that conclusion, although it's unlikely because BPD is a shame-based disorder, and if she were to accept responsibility, the shame would be too much so she wouldn't go there, and the other piece is she would need to accept she has a personality disorder, also something that doesn't come easily for borderlines unless they're in long-term treatment.

And she's a "textbook example" but still what always puzzles me is their "talent" to project all of their own issues over on their loved ones. And run away from every conversation that could be interpretedas a criticism on or confrontation about a partners feelings.And some how in her head she only hear things from a negativ angel.

She's good at that because she has to be.  Borderlines feel emotions intensely, and the projection, splitting and all the rest at tools she uses to manage her emotions, because feeling them, staying present and processing them isn't an option.  And the criticism is only heard one way: she's not good enough and you're going to leave, abandon her, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, which triggers her, so she avoids or projects.

The best thing you can do is focus on your own detachment, so if she shows up at your door it will affect you less; how are you doing with that?

[Cosuffer]

Hi.
Thanks for a good and fast reply.

Basically I know what to do now for myself. Moving on. Building myself up again, and try not to think so much about the situation from her point of vive, but concentrate about how I fell and how I move on.

When together we did (in the beginning) have some really good conversations, but shortly after we became together she quit her medication. That without telling me or her psychiatrist. I found out, and she admitted it, and I told her she probably should tell her therapist, but she kinda avoid answer that. Later (1 month)she said she had told her.

Then her moodswing started. And she can't drink because that will trigger a psychoses, but still she have had 3 fits/psychoses related to alcohol, 2 without and she broke up with me about 3-4 times, in the 9-10 months we were together. After a fit/incident she'll never talk about it, and never asks how it inflected on me. And if I starts to just hinting about me feeling hurt or worried she'll go in "flight/fight" mode.

She also manage to turn her family and friends into belive that it was because of me. That i controlled and manipulated her.

After we broke up she would say things like: You'r just scared of loosing me, and I was a psychopath and manipulator, and that I always criticized and manipulated everybody. Off course I know, and knew back then, that she just projected all of her anger,guilt,fear and low self-esteem over on me.

She told me she was diagnosed with PTSD (but she most defiantly has a lot of BPD symptoms as well)  and did go trough a traume treatment, but she never really dedicated herself to it. It was more like she just did it because her therapist told her so. And In the beginning I tried to help her and be there for her and support her in the things her therapist told her to do. Like write an journal and a food diary. She of course suffers from eating disorder too. On her lowest point she told me her therapist suggested her to hospitalized, but since me and her had planned a holiday, the therapist said she could go and properly it would be good with some sun and relaxation.

2 month later she got drunk and got a full-blown psychosis, and the day after she said she properly should hospitalize herself. She didn't talk to me about it (of course) but to one of my friends. Who then later told me. But of course she got "better" and everything was fine... .

Sometimes I take myself in thinking: Wonder how she feels now, just a few days after I blocked her. I know that she will react strongly. Maybe not on the outside, but inside I think she must be going through an emotionally kaos. Guess by blocking her, I kinda trigger a lot of her fears. The loss of control, heartache, self blame, anger, not being good enough and that I'm angry at her.

So guess right now I just need to blow out steam, and hear that I did the right thing. Many get help to not wonder so much about how she feels or thinks right now. Because I already "considered" contacting her. In my week moments, but off course not reacted on them! Well knowing what will be the outcome:-)!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cosuffer,



I'd like to join     fromheeltoheal in welcoming you to the site. I'm sorry that things got to the point that you had to breakup with your girlfriend. That is really hard, and I fully understand your wondering if NC is hurting her. It may be triggering her emotions like it does yours, but she may also have cut herself off from those feelings for the time being. It's hard to know, because everyone is different and people with BPD often don't appear to grieve the loss in the way that we do.

You did the right thing by making your recovery and detachment a priority. Unfortunately that often means NC, but there are advantages to this as well. it will give you that space to process the feelings that this relationship and breakup have evoked in you, and help you work through any deeper issues that drew you toward this kind of relationship.

Have you seen this article? Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

It helped me tremendously when I first came to the site. I'm glad you posted. These kinds of breakups are not like "normal" ones. Keep writing and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

[Cosuffer]

Hi Heartandwhole.

Yes I feel that every day that goes by, I'm getting back to my good old self. I use Spotify and even though I'm not following her I can see what music she listen to, and when she may seem ok and moved on, on the outside, she'll be listing to "heartache/love" songs when alone at night!... .So maybe this one actually does miss something. Well knowing it's not "me" but the comfort and safety she got from me... .

Just another good reason not to give in.

[heartandwhole]

Yes I feel that every day that goes by, I'm getting back to my good old self.

Hi Cosuffer, how are you doing today?

[Cosuffer]

Hi

I'm just gonna post a little something to tell how I deal and recover after a breakup with an PTSD/BPD girlfriend.

One thing is for sure. I have been close to breakdown and depression. But now 2 weeks after i went NC and tot blocked her, I'm slowly but surley starting to heal, and get better.

In the beginning of NC I still kept thinking a lot about how MY reactions would reflect on HER, and how SHE would react/think and feel.
That,I think normal, but after I gave myself a break. I slowly started to feel a strange kind of relife and my inner stress level went down:-) I try not to use so much of my energy thinking about how SHE feels. I think that's a very important step to heal! To allow yourself to lett go and focus on your self ! 

I now find myself sleeping better, eating again and most of all I'm starting to meet new people and getting out again. I'm an extrovert by nature, so the state of mind I ended up in was very far from my normal behavior.

If you'r a similar place. I strongly recommend you to block the person. Even though it's extreme hard to do. You will get better!
It took me 3 month to finally block her. My friend and family urged me to do it, and began to worry about my well being. But first when I was ready to break, I did it. That's the scary thing about PTSD/BPD partners. They will push/pull you into a state of mind where you find your self "egg shelling" and where you'r feelings are secondary.

Also this site have really helped me. Here you can read about other peoples experience and how they handled is. Also very importent to hear it from the BPD side. To understand what they go trough and feels!   

[married21years]

nice post and good luck 

[Cosuffer]

Hi

Just a little update on my situation.
I'vd blocked my ex girlfriend now for well about 1 month. I surely feel better, but of course I have my "moments" where I get a little blue.

Since I blocked her she basically tried to contact me with one weeks intervall.

First she showed up on my/our work. (we used to work together) Where she behaved like nothing ever happened. Sat down and talked about everyday things for 1,5 hour!
Then a week later she sendt me a txt on insta, where i unblocked her (I have a privat account, so didn't think it would be a problem) asking about why I got so upset with her, when she did not answer her phone one morning. That showed me just that she still have no really idea/realization about her behavior. 
Then today she called me on the phone. I didn't answer.

The reason I have started to unblock her from some of my socials, are the I don't "fear" her anymore. When she try to contact me I dont get sad, depressed or stressed anymore. I just feel sorry for her, and a bitt proud to have come to this point in the whole process!

But still I can't understand why she keep contacting me? I'm open for contact, but not along she still seems like she have no self-awareness! And try to establish contact by "blaming" me, and not just put the card on the table and TALK to me.

But to all of you in the same situation. Use this forum, and give yourself a break from the push/pull and manipulating. Create a form for "distance" between you. NC have helped me a lot.

[Cosuffer]

Hey everybody

I posted a new update a couple of days ago on the site. If you take the time to read my earlier posts, you might see yourself to be, or have been in similar situations.


After my last post here. I'm starting to consider to contact her... .Off course I haven't done it, but What scares me are the feeling off me just considering it.

And why would she call me and txt me, when she have blocked me anyway? Dosent give any meaning. I mean if you call someone and/or txt them with a direct question, you would want the person to answer it, and since she blocked me it would bee kinda difficult even if i wanted to?

I could txt her back on instagram, but I know that if she get a txt from me, she would use it against me and/or use it as a "evidence" that I'm contacting her all the time, and thereby support her twisted thoughts about being in her good right to say and do, and yah you know what i mean!... .So If i should contact her it would be on the phone!

Why do i suddenly feel like I'm kinda stuck. Everything was going so good for me?

As you can read from my earlier post I do move in the right direction, but sometimes it's like being stuck in quicksand. The more you move the deeper you sink in, or so at least it feels, sometimes. I'm also very aware that I still "waste" a lot of energi in trying to figure her out, and not give inn to her contacting me. I'm prone to start thinking about why she would do this or that, and so on and so on. That's when i come to this side for help and support 

I can say for sure that if it wasn't  for the support I'vd gotten in here, and from my family and friends. I probably would have been back in the push/pull game!

Stay strong and never doubt to ask for help.

I'll keep your posted


 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cosuffer,

First of all, I think that you are doing really well for just one month away from the breakup.    I don't know if I would have been able to resist weekly contact so soon after my breakup. Your feelings of wanting to understand why she is doing this, and possibly contacting her yourself, are very understandable, especially since it hasn't been that long since you were together.

You have already experienced talking to her and know that nothing has changed with regard to her actions (blaming, no awareness of her behavior), so if you did contact her, it would more than likely just be more of the same, right? So, what do you think you would get out of contacting her? How would that help you move on?

You sound very determined to recover from the breakup and move forward. I recommend staying on the this path for a while longer before you entertain the idea of reconnecting with her. Through my own experience, and those of some of the members here, I've learned that the minute we feel "strong" enough to imagine communicating with pwBPD after a period of NC is often too early to take action.  We actually need a little (or sometimes a lot) more time. 

You are doing good work, Cosuffer. Hang in there, and keep posting. We want to know how things are going for you.

heartandwhole

[Cosuffer]

Hey

It's now been 2 weeks since iv'd heard anything from my x. In the meanwhile I have been at work, and so have her older sister. We also work together (both her sisters works at my workplace!) But since we don't work in the same division it's no problem. We basically just bump in to each other at breaks or in hallways. I have no problem with that, but I do feel kinda false politeness from her side. I considered to tell her what her sister actually have done, and how she have manipulated everybody around her, about what actually have been going on. Talked to a co worker, who have seen my x in an alcohol related psycossis, and she recommended me to tell it all. She thought it might would give me some kinda closure. But after I thought it through, I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't change anything for me really. And maybe only would open up for a lot of drama, and even non constructive contact with my x. So I decided not too!

Was it the right decision? Because I do feel my x and me at some point will have to talk, even though I'm pretty sure she'll just blame me, and not be able to take any responsibility for her actions. I think mabye that's the reason I haven't contacted/answered her! I don't think I'm emotionally and mentally strong enough, yet!

This was just a little update, and I really hope somebody can find some kinda consolation, by reading my story.

Stay strong

[eprogeny]

My situation now: Feeling relief, but can still not understand why she have that need to controll me.

You've said your ex suffers from PTSD - and if that is the case, I can speak specifically as to what some of that behavior may have been about, since I also have PTSD and can behave more than abnormally when it is spiking after being triggered.

PTSD leaves its suffers prone to a constant need to do "threat assessment".  And because of what can be a debilitating level of anxiety, the person may attempt to control another's behaviors in order to alleviate the specific and intense fear they are feeling.  In my case, I am extremely fearful for my loved one's safety - I won't let them walk near the street when on a sidewalk, for instance.  I don't shove them around or anything, but I do move myself between street traffic and where they are walking.  This can definitely be seen as a controlling behavior - but it is a very benign one that most of my loved ones never notice.

I have others ones, too, which may be more or less controlling - but none of those behaviors have anything to do with actually trying to control the other person, and is everything about trying to eliminate the thing I fear - which is having to watch one of them suffer a physical calamity and be unable to help them.

I know for sure she's suffering much more from the breakup (her first relationship and love. She 22 and I'm 38) than I do, so why don't she just not call or txt me and talk about things and er feelings instead off blaming me and getting hysteric!

It sounds like her PTSD is triggered and she's suffering from the symptoms of it.  When my PTSD is triggered I suffer a variety of symptoms - not the least of which is a level of anxiety on epic scales.  Imagine the worst anxiety of your life - and then magnify it by 1,000 and then imagine it never subsides. The host of abnormal behaviors (paranoia, obsessiveness, et.c) that will occur during such an episode are as confusing to you as they are to the person suffering it... .with the added bonus that they get to feel a large range of emotions at the same time.  

PTSD can be truly damaging when it is triggered, and may only show itself in small ways when it is not. If her behaviors are off the charts more often than not, then she may be in a loop of reliving her traumatic experience and unable to stop it.  Has she ever seen a psychiatrist?  When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I was placed on long-term anxiety medication (Xanax) and I worked very hard in therapy to come of the medications.  Within 3 years I was able to manage my anxieties far better than I had before, but I do occasionally get triggered and have a very hard time recognizing that my distorted perception is the PTSD rather than something real.  

It has helped me to talk with my loved ones and to explain, in calmer moments, what that behavior is all about and why it is happening - and how they can best help me to get a grip.  Almost always, my anxiety stays stuck in high gear when I have perceived a threat and do not have the information I need to make what I'm seeing as the Sun exploding back into something less catastrophic.  

People with PTSD often need to know what something is not so that they can then begin to see what it is - it's a desperate need to do what's called "right-sizing".  Put another way, because someone with PTSD is always expecting the worst possible scenario in the world to occur - they are also, at the same time trying to develop the "plan of action" on how to deal with the perceived threat.  This means they need to understand the specific size, shape, color, flavor, etc. of whatever the triggering event is so that they can know they can discard the 80 scenarios that don't matter, and focus on the 3 that might actually matter.

You ask why she doesn't just call you up to talk about her feelings.  That would be because she doesn't know that what she's feeling is far more exaggerated than it should be.  She needs the help of others in those moments to do that, to help her "size" the threat and to eliminate the unnecessary extra cycles she's having to deal with.  With really good therapy - which she's probably avoidant to because so many want us to relive our trauma over and over again until we're completely de-sensitized (which I abjectly refuse to do since I see that as useless torture), and with good medication until then, she may be able to get the tools she needs to help her manage her anxiety proactively rather than have it inflicted upon others which forces everyone to deal with it reactively.

I just need somebody to tell me that she one day will look back and knowing that I was good for her and that she because of her illness ruined it.

I would be surprised if she doesn't know it already, to be honest.  My greatest fear in the only relationship that mattered to me, was that my PTSD would ruin it.  I don't know that it did ruin it, but it certainly didn't help anything. My ex has BPD, so it only made us a toxic mix.  She always feeling so much self-hatred for triggering my PTSD, and her behaviors triggering my PTSD.  Good times.

I know a lot about psycological illness. And she's a "textbook example" but still what always puzzles me is their "talent" to project all of their own issues over on their loved ones. And run away from every conversation that could be interpretedas a criticism on or confrontation about a partners feelings.And some how in her head she only hear things from a negativ angel.

Well... .to the PTSD patient, someone who triggers them is, indeed, "at fault".  What takes time, and good consistent therapy that isn't traumatizing us, is the realization that we are being triggered because the emotions, event, whatever that we've just experienced are so reminiscent of our trauma.  This leaves our loved ones confused because they think it's about what just happened - when, really, it's about what happened so long ago being literally re-experienced in that moment.

That said, normal people will project onto others pretty often... .and I kind of see that as a pretty common defense mechanism, to be honest.  It takes a lot of self-awareness to stop that sort of thing - and that's not something that I think is very common at all.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cosuffer,

It's good to read your update!

But after I thought it through, I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't change anything for me really. And maybe only would open up for a lot of drama, and even non constructive contact with my x. So I decided not too!

I think this was a very wise decision, Cosuffer, and I agree with your reasoning. Well done on listening to yourself and taking time to think about your actions.  

I'm pretty sure she'll just blame me, and not be able to take any responsibility for her actions. I think mabye that's the reason I haven't contacted/answered her! I don't think I'm emotionally and mentally strong enough, yet!

Very understandable. She very well may not be able to take responsibility for her actions—it's a common experience shared by members here on the forum. More importantly, if you are not ready to have that talk, I'd encourage you to give yourself time. Time to recover, time to work through your issues. You may find later that you don't need a talk at all. Or you might decide to approach things a little differently.

In these cases, I've learned that giving myself plenty of time and reflection before taking action can be helpful.


Keep up the good work, Cosuffer. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Cosuffer]

Hey Eprogeny.

Thanks for you Post Well my x have been diagnosed with PTSD, but her behavior is a combo of a PTSD whom been triggered and a BPD. But basically I personally don't think diagnoses are so important for me (the partner) In any case it's a challenge to be in a relationship with a person with a mental illness!

I really appreciate your response to my thread. Have you read it all?

What's been my formost challenge through it all, is her mood swings, and the "control". When I say control I mean her using push/pull to get her way. Verbally being hurtful and expecting me to always bee there for her, whenever she feels hurt and needs to talk. If I needed to talk about my feelings or how some of her psychosis inflected me, she would go in a flight modus or go into a full blown rage mode!

She always expected that After an "incident" we could just move on like nothing ever happened, and sometimes if she said she couldn't remember it, she expected me to not bring it up since she didn't want to know about it and what's been happening!

Thats why I 2 months after the breakup had to go nc. Its 2 weeks since she last tried to contact me (called)

I would like to hear more from you, since many you can insight me a little into why she behave like she do after the breakup, and now after I blocked her. I recommend that you read my hole tread.

Hugs 

 

[Cosuffer]

BTW

She have been on medication, but shortly after we started dating she quit the meds. Whiteout telling me or her therapist! I found out because she started to change and I asked her, and she admitted that she had stopped taking meds. I then told her she probably should tell her psychiatrist. She later said she told her. After she went through some kinda trauma treatment she went a couple of times and then in the last 4-5 months of your relationship she didn't prioritized treatment, and said she was fine. She was not, but I could of course not do or say anything, and her fits began to happen more often!

[Cosuffer]

Hi

Just writing to tell how you sometimes get small "setbacks" in the healing process, and I think that's tot. normal, if you take the right decisions in those weak moments you will come out stronger. But mann it's never easy!

Right now I'm struggling a bitt with the urge to just blow the whole NC, and call my x to hear why she try to contact me.

Had this been for 2 month ago I'vd surely had given in and contacted her, but not now. And that exactly is my point. Things will get better, and you will get more clear minded, and therefor starting to react from mind and not heart. I think this is a really good sigen on how far one are in the healing process.

The support I'vd gotten from this site have also helped me a lot in those weak moments.

THANKS