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Author Topic: Trying not to react to her jealousy  (Read 487 times)
jrharvey
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« on: August 01, 2016, 12:41:09 PM »

I'm just not sure what to do. I'm trying so hard not to overreact. My heart is racing, my thoughts are racing and I'm angry. Very angry. I haven't said anything bad yet.

This morning I went to work. Everything was fine and she was super loving. I get to work and she text me asking how it's going. I tell her it's busy because everyone is having computer problems. I'm am architect but also built all the computers, servers in the office. In basically the IT guy too.

So she tells me that she doesn't like it that I have to help people because some girls at the office may ask for my help. I tell her that understand that she doesn't like it but that's just something I have to do. She says oh yes that's your job but no girl would like her boyfriend helping other people. She said no girl wants her boyfriend having to help other girls. It is a mix of guys and girls at my office. I just told her that's just what I have to do but I understand why you feel insecure. She then went on to say okay I won't bother you just keep doing your work. I tried to tell her that I don't have to stop talking and it's fine fine but she kept saying no I don't want to bother you. I could tell she was pushing me away.

I took a couple hours to come down so I didn't say anything stupid but then texted her how is work going. She just said okay. I asked her if she was still upset about this morning and she said oh no why would I be upset. I love that my boyfriend is so busy and helps a lot of people. I said I felt like she was being sarcastic. She said no I love that you're so busy. I love that you want to help so many people. Then she said you can go back to helping other people I won't bother you. I swear my blood was boiling and I wanted to punch my phone through my desk.

Inside I'm about to lose it. I just can't do anything right. Nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing I do she can be proud of.

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Jessica84
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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2016, 01:15:31 PM »

I love that my boyfriend is so busy and helps a lot of people. I said I felt like she was being sarcastic. She said no I love that you're so busy. I love that you want to help so many people. Then she said you can go back to helping other people I won't bother you. I swear my blood was boiling and I wanted to punch my phone through my desk.

You know her best, but is it possible she was telling the truth and not being sarcastic?

I say this because I used to be so hyper-vigilant on the lookout for his next dysregulation that I would sometimes take him the wrong way and create conflict where there was none -- discovering later that he was actually being sincere.

As for "no girlfriend wants her boyfriend helping people"? Um, no. That's her insecurity talking. Helping people is harmless. What she's really saying is "I'm afraid of losing you to someone in your office". Interacting with other women at work increases that likelihood, to her. Calm her fears - let her you are not interested in anyone but her. You can validate her insecurities without telling her you understand why she  feels insecure. No one wants to be told they are insecure. We all are. We want someone to make us feel secure. With BPD, multiply times 100.  
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jrharvey
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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2016, 01:31:14 PM »

Excerpt
You know her best, but is it possible she was telling the truth and not being sarcastic?

I just don't now. That's the hard part. I am hyper aware. Also later she said... .I love when my boyfriend is so busy helping people Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
Why would she say Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) if she was serious? It doesn't make sense.

It also doesn't help that she told me... .Oh by the way Kevin is texting me.

Kevin is a guy she met in class and became friends with. Its super hypocritical.

Just yesterday she made a point that she didn't want me talking to or being friendly to any random girls. Only 1 girl she is ok with me even talking to and that is one of my best friends from 12 years ago. She would absolutely flip out if I became friends with some girl at work. I know for sure. She even says she would. She pointed that out yesterday.

This is the part that frustrates me and makes me angry. Its so hypocritical. I FEEL like she is doing this to make me mad.

Nothing about her makes sense to me honestly.


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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2016, 02:13:38 PM »

Inside I'm about to lose it. I just can't do anything right. Nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing I do she can be proud of.

this is really tough. my partner was very prone to jealousy and controlling behavior, and i dont do well with either.

the trick here is to not JADE, to validate where you can, and not make things worse. in the long run, its going to bring you a lot more peace, but its not easy to master.

for starters, it will help to slowly try not to take what is ultimately an issue about her insecurity personally. from my perspective, she was demanding attention, and your message was inadvertently telling her it wasnt available.

So she tells me that she doesn't like it that I have to help people because some girls at the office may ask for my help. I tell her that understand that she doesn't like it but that's just something I have to do.

this message is probably received as "that sucks, but tough." it sounds like you were trying to validate her here; you dont want to throw a "but" in a validation statement.

She says oh yes that's your job but no girl would like her boyfriend helping other people. She said no girl wants her boyfriend having to help other girls. It is a mix of guys and girls at my office. I just told her that's just what I have to do but I understand why you feel insecure.

this is a very challenging situation to avoid JADEing and id be tempted to argue. "thats just what i have to do" may be perceived as invalidating as well. she stated she understood its your job. arguments can become circular here. you didnt escalate, good, but youre kicking the ball further a step at a time. ask how she feels - validate it. avoid labels like "insecure", she will tend to experience it as shaming.

hence:

She then went on to say okay I won't bother you just keep doing your work. I tried to tell her that I don't have to stop talking and it's fine fine but she kept saying no I don't want to bother you. I could tell she was pushing me away.

on the contrary: shes telling you she feels pushed away.

I took a couple hours to come down so I didn't say anything stupid but then texted her how is work going. She just said okay. I asked her if she was still upset about this morning and she said oh no why would I be upset.

id save yourself a lot of trouble. why bring it back up?

I love that my boyfriend is so busy and helps a lot of people. I said I felt like she was being sarcastic. She said no I love that you're so busy. I love that you want to help so many people. Then she said you can go back to helping other people I won't bother you. I swear my blood was boiling and I wanted to punch my phone through my desk.

she was being sarcastic; she was feeling resentful. let her. ultimately, she has gotten your attention, and your message is inadvertently telling her that this and all of the above is how to do it.

in response to your most recent reply, it is super hypocritical, but piggybacks on the point about immature ways of getting your attention. shes not doing it to make you mad. shes doing it to get your attention, and its working.

where can you make compromises as well as set boundaries? how do you feel about her not wanting you to talk or be friendly to any random girls?
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jrharvey
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2016, 02:34:13 PM »

Excerpt
how do you feel about her not wanting you to talk or be friendly to any random girls?

I understand she doesn't want to lose me. I can respect that she is more insecure than most girls. I can even make changes to make her feel better. I just don't appreciate her shaming me for trying to do my job or being a friendly person in general. I feel pretty misunderstood. Also disrespected because she tells me these things she doesn't want me doing and then does that same thing but makes excuses why its ok and how its not the same. I know if I did the same thing she did exactly she would flip out.

I feel like she could be more understanding about the opposite sex in general. Just the other day we went to a movie and when I sat down in my seat there was a guy/girl couple beside us. I didn't even know they were there, I just sat down. She got pissy and asked why I wanted to sit there and I said this is our seats with a confused look on my face. She said "you really want to sit next to that girl?" I told her I would switch with her and she did but she went on to go over and over again about how the girl could reach over and touch me and play with me or something like that. Then she kinda wanted her space after that. Its tough. Its really tough. About 10 minutes later she was actually being sweet again and holding my arm but she basically sat stonefaced for 10 minutes while venting about how I messed up. Then after the movie she asked... .why are you uspet over and over again until I finally told her I didn't like how she acted. Then she flipped out saying how she wanted to die, how sad she was, how she cant do anything right and how I don't love her anymore. I realized she was having an episode and just observed until she calmed down but damn its hard to deal with.

I do wish she could be more "normal" when it comes to that kind of stuff. Im asking a lot of someone with a personality disorder I know. I use to get upset because I felt the need to control the way she felt and acted. Im doing better now I think but doesn't change the fact its hard as hell to deal with someone like that.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2016, 04:23:46 PM »

Ahh I didn't realize she was adding "LOL" to the end. Yes, that does sound sarcastic so you read it right.

But... .why be mad? Yes, she's trying to upset you. She wants you to feel her pain. But what she wants more is for you to soothe her pain. She just won't tell you that or how to do it. Listen, validate, move on. Don't absorb her tantrums. They are about her, not you.

I really do get your frustration. And I hear you on the double standard thing. If we did to them even HALF of what they do to us, can you imagine?

Be sure to use boundaries. I had a friend who dated a jealous girl like this. She once forced him to quit his job when the new secretary was too pretty. She made scenes if there were other women around -- at restaurants, grocery stores, banks, wherever. News flash: we're everywhere! Soon he got to where he would keep his head down in public because she would study his eyes and where he was looking. She also disconnected all the phones from the house and took them with her when she left to run errands to make sure he wasn't calling any women. Yikes! Boundaries.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2016, 04:47:06 PM »

Did your friend sheet or something or was that woman just crazy?
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jrharvey
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« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2016, 04:50:15 PM »

Also she is not the type to want soothing. Usually if I try to be sweet or understanding she uses it against me. Sometimes I'll just try to hug her and she can actually get even more b___y or even violent
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Jessica84
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« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2016, 05:15:34 PM »

God no, how could he cheat? He was a slave. A caged animal. I lost contact with him because... well... I'm a woman. She was diagnosed bi-polar but probably had other undiagnosed issues going on. Either way, he lacked boundaries. Not his fault entirely. He gave up control slowly and over time. 5 years and 2 children later he finally escaped. Hard to believe it could happen to such a fun, intelligent, outgoing guy or why he would allow it... .but it's an example of how far a person with no boundaries can be pushed.

If your girl isn't responding well to validation, keep practicing and use boundaries.

Ps-- I also had to stay away from hugging or touching when mine was mad. It was like petting a fire-breathing dragon!
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adaw
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2016, 04:24:22 PM »

I hope you will find this amusing it was hilarious. My BPD dragged me to a dodgy bar with her friends. I played her game. I sat next to her with a stone cold expression on my face, not connecting to anyone. My seat was next to the dancefloor and this one blonde decided I am her catch. She eventually asked my partner why is he ignoring me? My BPD said asked him. She asked me am I annoying you? I bluntly replied yes. The next week she tricked me into going there again. My BPD got angry because I didn't show any interest in the same blonde again. I knew my BPD spiked my drink but she didn't see me swopping it at the bar. Their cunning and jealousy knows no boundaries. I had to laugh
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2016, 05:37:50 PM »

Here's one of the most important things about enforcing boundaries on something like this jealousy.

You can't convince her that her ideas of what you should be allowed to do around other women are wrong. (And trying is both frustrating to you and invalidating to her, so don't! Plus likely to be JADEing all over the place)

You can convince her that you are not going to place certain restrictions on yourself regarding other women. (i.e. you will be friendly to women in the course of doing your job.)

She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to think it is right. But she does have to accept that you will do it, and she can't stop you from doing it.

So she tells me that she doesn't like it that I have to help people because some girls at the office may ask for my help. I tell her that understand that she doesn't like it but that's just something I have to do. She says oh yes that's your job but no girl would like her boyfriend helping other people. She said no girl wants her boyfriend having to help other girls. It is a mix of guys and girls at my office. I just told her that's just what I have to do but I understand why you feel insecure. She then went on to say okay I won't bother you just keep doing your work. I tried to tell her that I don't have to stop talking and it's fine fine but she kept saying no I don't want to bother you. I could tell she was pushing me away.

Here's the part that will take some work for you: She is upset. She is feeling rejected. She is pushing you away in response to that. (Note what I bolded) Let her have those feelings. Don't try to talk her out of them, protect her from them, or anything. Let her stop talking with you and be mad. [Just don't let her go into raging, verbal abuse, circular arguments, sleep deprivation, etc.!]

It is hard to just let her feel that way and manage it on her own... .but ultimately, that is what she has to do!



What about her texting a guy and telling you about it? First off, I'm sure it is an attempt to make you feel jealous, make you feel some of the pain she's experiencing.

I'm assuming that she doesn't have a history of cheating (on you especially, or in prior relationships), and that this guy isn't her ex that she's cheated on you with before, etc. If this is a veiled but plausible threat to cheat, that's a different situation.

I'd just let her do it and let it not be a big deal--Then again, I'm not terribly jealous, and the only guys my wife was ever "friends" with who I was jealous of were ones she did have a romantic interest in or at least an emotional affair with. And there were dozens of others that weren't a problem, and I didn't make them one.

I'd try to swallow the horrible hypocrisy, and let her do whatever you think is reasonable without criticism. If an opportunity came up, I might even say that I'm glad she has friends, male and female, and that I trust her not to cheat, and don't mind her texting Kevin... .assuming this was all true.
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