Does my boyfriend even feel anything at all?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,

Today feels especially difficult. It's been 3 days of nc with my now exBPD bf. A few days ago I sent him a text explaining how I will no long accept his emotional and verbal abuse, and that I have to put boundaries down (my post before this explains everything, take a read if you'd like). I explained that I love him, gave so much positive reassurance/affirmation, and at that time told him that I hope he stays with me and decides to work things out. Since then, with the support of people on here and my family, I've decided that it's better to let go. The abuse took a physical toll on me that I couldn't handle any longer.

This morning however, I wake up to a text from my ex which read:

"I'll always love you, forever you probably don't think the same of me anymore and that's ok. I hope things go better and get better for you."

My heart, guys. It feels as if it's being dragged around through sh*t. I don't understand. I really don't understand the motives of this message. I write you saying the abuse needs to go and that I won't tolerate it anymore, you ignore me for three days without a peep, I find a little strength, and then you sucker punch me in the face with this note?

Why... .Please someone tell me why? All I want to do is hold him in my arms and tell him so much that I'll always love him as well, but I know doing that ill just be roped in to the abuse again.

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm so confused, and I'm terrified... .So terrified that I'll be back into the arms of my abuser just because he says he'll "Always love me".

Do BPD's even feel remorse? Or regret?
He couldn't even apologize for the abuse or try to make things right!

Do they even recognize when they had someone so ___ good to them? Do they feel anything when they lose that person?
All I keep thinking about is how BPD's just need to be with someone... .And how, maybe, in just a few short weeks he'll replace me with some other helpless girl.
How is that loving someone forever?
Can they even truly "Love you always?"

Do they even have that much of a heart or emotional ___ capacity?
Is that just words to them? Nothings? Lies? Are they full of ___ ___?
Because no one who says they love me "Always and forever" should treat me like a punching bag when they feel angry with themselves.
I'm not a gas station, you can't just pump and go whenever you need a fill up!
I'm a person, I'm a destination, and I'm worth so much more than the hell you put me through.

So why, guys? Why have I let these words (maybe lies) affect me so much? So much so that I'm curled up in a ball on my couch crying as I write this post. I miss him, guys. I miss him so ___ much that it hurts every muscle in my body, right down to my bones. The love I have for him is still there, and unlike the unpredictable BPD mind, I know for certain that even months/years/centuries from now I will still hold a love for him.
I keep trying to justify the verbal/mental/emotional abuse he has put me through. "Oh he has an illness, he's broken, he's hurt, he's lost, he just needs to be nurtured and shown that good people do exist in this ___ up world."
Am I screwed in the head for thinking these things?

I can't do this anymore, guys. I can't carry this stupid heart around with me anymore.
It sucks, and my BPD abuser sucks... .

I apologize for the explicit language in this post, my sadness and anger having me in a rage.

[Masuimi]

Hey guys,

Today feels especially difficult. It's been 3 days of nc with my now exBPD bf. A few days ago I sent him a text explaining how I will no long accept his emotional and verbal abuse, and that I have to put boundaries down (my post before this explains everything, take a read if you'd like). I explained that I love him, gave so much positive reassurance/affirmation, and at that time told him that I hope he stays with me and decides to work things out. Since then, with the support of people on here and my family, I've decided that it's better to let go. The abuse took a physical toll on me that I couldn't handle any longer.

This morning however, I wake up to a text from my ex which read:

"I'll always love you, forever you probably don't think the same of me anymore and that's ok. I hope things go better and get better for you."

My heart, guys. It feels as if it's being dragged around through sh*t. I don't understand. I really don't understand the motives of this message. I write you saying the abuse needs to go and that I won't tolerate it anymore, you ignore me for three days without a peep, I find a little strength, and then you sucker punch me in the face with this note?

Why... .Please someone tell me why? All I want to do is hold him in my arms and tell him so much that I'll always love him as well, but I know doing that ill just be roped in to the abuse again.

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm so confused, and I'm terrified... .So terrified that I'll be back into the arms of my abuser just because he says he'll "Always love me".

Do BPD's even feel remorse? Or regret?
He couldn't even apologize for the abuse or try to make things right!

Do they even recognize when they had someone so ___ good to them? Do they feel anything when they lose that person?
All I keep thinking about is how BPD's just need to be with someone... .And how, maybe, in just a few short weeks he'll replace me with some other helpless girl.
How is that loving someone forever?
Can they even truly "Love you always?"

Do they even have that much of a heart or emotional ___ capacity?
Is that just words to them? Nothings? Lies? Are they full of ___ ___?
Because no one who says they love me "Always and forever" should treat me like a punching bag when they feel angry with themselves.
I'm not a gas station, you can't just pump and go whenever you need a fill up!
I'm a person, I'm a destination, and I'm worth so much more than the hell you put me through.

So why, guys? Why have I let these words (maybe lies) affect me so much? So much so that I'm curled up in a ball on my couch crying as I write this post. I miss him, guys. I miss him so ___ much that it hurts every muscle in my body, right down to my bones. The love I have for him is still there, and unlike the unpredictable BPD mind, I know for certain that even months/years/centuries from now I will still hold a love for him.
I keep trying to justify the verbal/mental/emotional abuse he has put me through. "Oh he has an illness, he's broken, he's hurt, he's lost, he just needs to be nurtured and shown that good people do exist in this ___ up world."
Am I screwed in the head for thinking these things?

I can't do this anymore, guys. I can't carry this stupid heart around with me anymore.
It sucks, and my BPD abuser sucks... .

I apologize for the explicit language in this post, my sadness and anger having me in a rage.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Masuimi-

It's a brand new day... .

"I'll always love you, forever  You probably don't think the same of me anymore and that's ok. I hope things go better and get better for you :*("

I don't understand. I really don't understand the motives of this message. Why... .Please someone tell me why?

Think attachments with borderlines.  You ended it, which he interprets as abandonment, so now he's testing the attachment to see if it's still in place.  When he says You probably don't think the same of me anymore and that's ok the intent is for you to call and say "No, no, no sweetheart, I love you so much... .yadda", and that will indicate to him the emotional attachment is still in place.  And of course, he still loves you, you're the one who doesn't love, which puts you on the defensive.

And that description sounded malicious, not necessarily, he's responding to feelings he doesn't know why he has, he just needs an attachment to survive, and if he leveled with you and opened up, your opinion of him would be the same as his of himself, bad, so you'd leave, abandonment again.  So there is no choice but to pull this stuff.

You can't expect someone with a personality disorder to think like the rest of us and respond to what we call reason.  I think you called him a man-child, meaning emotionally immature, and wired differently, so best to not try and apply reason and logic to the situation, it won't ever make sense that way, best to take care of your own emotional needs, strongly.

So here's a turning point, one of a few maybe.  You're obviously triggered, anger is good BTW, a hell of a lot better than feeling guilty and running back apologizing your butt off.  But here's an opportunity to recommit to staying gone, read your post yesterday about nausea and nervous breakdowns for a focus shift, and assuming you are still committed to ending it, you may consider blocking phone numbers and the like, purely for your own health and sanity as you get your feet on the ground.

Take care of you, we're here, and keep reading and posting.

[GoingBack2OC]

I feel for you. You are not alone. I am personally having a really bad day today, and actually a bad week, two weeks. I havent even shared with the board yet what happened in the past month, but needless to say it has taken a huge toll on my emotional wellbeing. I'm a wreck.

To answer your question. I really don't think so. I have called my ex since I found out from someone else she had been sleeping with someone else. Unprotected.

I too, had been sleeping with her. Unprotected.

I asked her the last time we were together, if there had been anyone else. She assured me no.

Now, after finding out, she has simply vanished. I have tried to contact her, just to get clarity on what I heard, information. I have been distraught. I've told her this. How much this has hurt me. How much pain I am in. Please call, I just would like some answers. I'm scared. I have to now go get tested. I've never cheated on a partner. I've never slept around. I've never been like that. And now, I feel my body has been violated. I've been violated in such a horrible way.

She wont even respond to a text. I've told her I forgive her, but I really just need some answers, please call, we were together 5.5 years. How could she do this to me. Put me in a place where my health and even life would be at risk.

No response. She's getting my texts. When I call her phone, sometimes it's on, sometimes it goes right to voicemail.

I think, to be honest, she is just living life and doesnt care at all. She has what she needs right now. Me, I am now off the radar, now that I know. I doubt she feels bad at all to be honest.

I'm sorry and feel sad reading your story. So many of us here have such similar stories.

I'm in great pain, and yet all I ask for is a 5 minute call, to give me clarity on what happened, from her. So I know. But I doubt I'll be given that.

Instead, I'll have to be kept in the dark, ostracized, cut off, from a person I was with for almost 6 years, simply because I found out the truth. She cheated.

I could never do this to someone. I often wonder how a person can just destroy a person's sense of self worth, with such ease, without a care in the world.

I think, simply put, those people exist.

[Masuimi]

Update on message, as he added more to it:

"I'll always love you, forever  You probably don't think the same of me anymore and that's ok. I hope things go better and get better for you :*( I am mentally ___ don't get me wrong and these past days have been tough and well yea. I don't deserve the good things thrown at me cause I just ___ it up and maybe I just need to learn. Going through a lot of stress these past days but still not really much of an excuse. Anyways, you need better than me. I really miss you but I know you think different of me. Sorry."

Can I just say that I'm pissed but at the same time I find this absolutely hilarious. Stress is not an excuse to treat the woman who is supposedly the "love of your life" like absolute ___. Abusing me isn't what LOVE looks like! And yes, I'm sorry that you grew up with a father who did that to your emotionally unavailable mother but I have spent so much time showing you differently. Showing you that accepting, understanding, and unconditional love, REAL LOVE, does exist. I'm sure you're sorry, I'm sure somewhere deep inside of yourself you're tired of running away every indication of love that comes your way, but you need to get yourself the help you so rightfully deserve. You aren't an evil person, and with this message you do have SOME sort of self-awareness that you are not mentally stable. I love you and will continue to love you even far beyond this point, but I cannot and will not continue to be the punching bag for your emotional baggage.

 ----> This is a message that I would write back to him, but I don't want to get sucked back into the emotional whirlwind that is a BPD relationship. I figured writing it here is much safer for me. I can get out what I need to say without compromising my healing process.

[fromheeltoheal]

----> This is a message that I would write back to him, but I don't want to get sucked back into the emotional whirlwind that is a BPD relationship. I figured writing it here is much safer for me. I can get out what I need to say without compromising my healing process.

Good move.  Best to focus on the goal when you're triggered, and if the goal is to detach, sending that to him would make things worse, one way or the other, but you know that.

[pjstock42]

Masuimi,

You are not alone in this, I don't know if this makes you feel any better but I would be willing to bet that almost if not everyone here can relate to your first post to some extent.

Caring for my ex BPD gf was such a huge part of my life and the (what I thought was) mutual commitment and sharing of care for one another got me through any situation in my life because I made it the foundation of my well-being. Being callously discarded & painted to black, finding out that I was lied to for so long and seeing her go about her life without a care in the world is incredibly hurtful. I hate stressing myself out over things that I have no control over but this one doesn't seem to be going away and consumes my mind every day despite knowing that I can do nothing to solve it.

I suppose that all we can really do right now is care for ourselves. That is what everyone says and while I agree with the statement in principle, it's much harder to enact than you would think. So much of my life revolved around the routines I had with her, the communication I had with her, the thoughts about her and how lucky I believed I was, thinking about our future etc. so just having all of that disappear out of nowhere leaves a big void to be filled and I will have to figure out how to do that on my own.

I don't want to tell you what to do but I would say to institute full no contact as soon as you're able to. Even though no contact has been difficult for me, it's nothing close to the pain I felt from communicating with her after she left. I cannot say that I can see the benefits of no contact as of yet (only been about 3 weeks for me) but I do truly believe that it is a crucial step in me ever getting over this because any further communication with her just brings back that false hope of what I thought that I had. It's ok to be angry, just make sure it's directed to the right place and get it out of your system in the way that feels natural for you. I never really hit an "anger" stage (not yet at least) but there are glimpses of it. One important thing to remember is that if you let this anger consume you for too long, you are giving this toxic person free rent in your head when you no longer have anything to do with them.

[Masuimi]

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm so sorry, pjstock42 and goingback2oc. I can fully sympathize with the things you are both feeling  We are in this together and can continue on our journey of self-healing

And heeltoheal, if that malicious comment was about what I've said then yes... .It was malicious and rightfully meant to be. I am angry - I'm enraged with the things he is saying to me. I do feel sad and even guilty for the fact that he feels abandoned (I left the door wide open for him to try and work things out). I know that I can't expect him to process things in a rational and reasonable way but at the same time he does have some sort of indication within himself that something is not mentally stable about his thought process. I want to believe that he truly does love me and is sorry - but with everything being said about BPD's and their reasonings for displaying affection I feel as if I'm just his emotional crutch while I honestly do love him.

I don't let rage engulf me, but today I am angry. Tomorrow I may return back to the woman I usually am - kind, thoughtful, and unconditionally loving (regardless of what I am internalizing) BUT TODAY I am rightfully angry (whether it is irrational or not). I am angry in the fact that I love him so much and that he may never be able to process this. I am angry that I have tried so so hard to give him all the love and acceptance I know he desperately needs just to be met with hostility and resentment. I am angry at BPD for making who I believed to be the love of my life, feel so damn empty inside. I am angry that his mind has created such a warped perception of reality for him. I'm angry that he believes that everyone he loves abandons him. So I will be angry today and tomorrow I may just wake up with a new resolve on things. I do want to run back and tell him that we can work things out, I love you, yadda yadda - but from what I am understanding I am nothing but an emotional attachment, a crutch for him to lean on. It's a hard pill to swallow and the thought is breaking me up inside. I honestly wouldn't have minded being someone's reason to survive (that may seem emotionally immature of me, but it's the way I'm feeling as if rn). Hell, I am all about the "It's only you and me for life" romantic bs - that's who I am. I want to be the best friend and the love of your life all in one. I want to be told that we don't need many others (minus family of course), and that it would be awesome of us to just hang out and be emotionally entangled with only eachother. That's what I thought this relationship was, regardless of how emotionally screwed up others might view that as. Maybe this is the reason why I can't find a stable partner, because I myself am not a stable partner in turn. BUT I am never abusive and I can never accept that from my partner either. I am mad at myself for letting him treat me with such disrespect and control, especially when I was neither of those things to him. I understand that it is his BPD and that it isn't necessarily his fault, but that doesn't make the pain of the situation any better as of right now.

[fromheeltoheal]

And heeltoheal, if that malicious comment was about what I've said then yes... .It was malicious and rightfully meant to be.

No, I was talking about his message to you, in response to you wanting to understand his motives.  A borderline's behavior can seem malicious, but when we look beyond the behavior to the motive, he's trying to retain an attachment because it makes him feel better, using what he considers his best option given his circumstances and wiring, and it can seem malicious to us.

You have every right to be angry, anger is a normal response to abuse, so be as angry as you need to be, just don't do anything out of anger that will make it worse, the goal being to remove him from your life entirely yes?

[bunny4523]

You can't expect someone with a personality disorder to think like the rest of us and respond to what we call reason.  I think you called him a man-child, meaning emotionally immature, and wired differently, so best to not try and apply reason and logic to the situation, it won't ever make sense that way, best to take care of your own emotional needs, strongly.

Need to remember this.  Very well said and without it, the thoughts just keep spinning in your head, driving you mad.

[Masuimi]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

I just want the abuse to stop. I don't want to be away from him, I don't want to get rid of him like the rest of everyone else in his life... .I don't want to be that person, and I promised him that I would never be that person. But I can no longer continue to live with the emotional abuse in hopes that one day he MAY seek the help that he desperately needs. I don't want to be like everyone else in his past - where he felt constantly neglected, left alone, abandoned, given up on, and tossed aside like trash. I love him so much but my mental health is diminishing the more I try to help him. I'm so confused. How do I let go of this? Even when I think of what hell he has put me through, I can only imagine the hell he is feeling deep within himself. I can't imagine going through it alone, and constantly looking for someone or something to attach to so as to fill the emptiness that won't go away. I see BPD as his jail, and I picture the person I know he can be as a helpless child locked away in the dark of that prison. I feel sick for him, even though he treats me so badly sometimes. I make excuse for him, I make the excuse that he has this terrible mental illness that makes him behave the way he does. I don't know how to cope with wanting so badly to nurture him, but at the same time save my own sanity. I want to give all of myself so that he may feel okay and that his emptiness may be filled. I'd give myself for him, foolishly and in a heartbeat. Where do I go from here? This is what I see as unconditional love, and my entire body shakes at the thought of me not being able to reach him in this dark place that he is in.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want the abuse to stop. I don't want to be away from him, I don't want to get rid of him like the rest of everyone else in his life... .I don't want to be that person, and I promised him that I would never be that person... .
I don't want to be like everyone else in his past - where he felt constantly neglected, left alone, abandoned, given up on, and tossed aside like trash... .

And you heard all that from him yes?  Borderlines take the victim stance in order to elicit sympathy and attach.  Not saying he wasn't abandoned and neglected, how could I know, although there might be the possibility that he drove everyone away like he's driving you away, and reframed it so he's the victim to be able to live with himself.  Just something to consider.

I'm so confused. How do I let go of this?

Where do I go from here?

One day at a time, one emotion at a time, while taking very good care of yourself, educating yourself, and talking to folks like us who understand.

Even when I think of what hell he has put me through, I can only imagine the hell he is feeling deep within himself. I can't imagine going through it alone, and constantly looking for someone or something to attach to so as to fill the emptiness that won't go away. I see BPD as his jail, and I picture the person I know he can be as a helpless child locked away in the dark of that prison. I feel sick for him, even though he treats me so badly sometimes. I make excuse for him, I make the excuse that he has this terrible mental illness that makes him behave the way he does. I don't know how to cope with wanting so badly to nurture him, but at the same time save my own sanity. I want to give all of myself so that he may feel okay and that his emptiness may be filled. I'd give myself for him, foolishly and in a heartbeat.

This is what I see as unconditional love, and my entire body shakes at the thought of me not being able to reach him in this dark place that he is in.

I know, it's heart wrenching.  It's often said that you lose, he loses, the only winner is the disorder.  This site exists because of how difficult it is, and how many people suffer as a result.  It may not feel like it, but you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and we can tell from what you're sharing that you have your head on straight and you're going to make it through this, and it's only been 3 days.  3 days is brand new, it will get better, one day at a time, have faith in that for now, and you'll begin to believe it as you heal.

[bunny4523]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

I just want the abuse to stop. I don't want to be away from him, I don't want to get rid of him like the rest of everyone else in his life... .I don't want to be that person, and I promised him that I would never be that person. But I can no longer continue to live with the emotional abuse in hopes that one day he MAY seek the help that he desperately needs. I don't want to be like everyone else in his past - where he felt constantly neglected, left alone, abandoned, given up on, and tossed aside like trash. I love him so much but my mental health is diminishing the more I try to help him. I'm so confused. How do I let go of this? Even when I think of what hell he has put me through, I can only imagine the hell he is feeling deep within himself. I can't imagine going through it alone, and constantly looking for someone or something to attach to so as to fill the emptiness that won't go away. I see BPD as his jail, and I picture the person I know he can be as a helpless child locked away in the dark of that prison. I feel sick for him, even though he treats me so badly sometimes. I make excuse for him, I make the excuse that he has this terrible mental illness that makes him behave the way he does. I don't know how to cope with wanting so badly to nurture him, but at the same time save my own sanity. I want to give all of myself so that he may feel okay and that his emptiness may be filled. I'd give myself for him, foolishly and in a heartbeat. Where do I go from here? This is what I see as unconditional love, and my entire body shakes at the thought of me not being able to reach him in this dark place that he is in.

Take a deep breath.  You are putting way too much responsibility on yourself.  Yes everyone left him because he pushed everyone away.  It is how he is safest.  He feels most secure detached.  There is nothing wrong with you saying," I am not going to live like this anymore"  You are allowed to have boundaries and if they are crossed you are allowed to decide to walk away.  Another misconception I think you are making is thinking he feels how you would feel in this situation.  He DOES NOT feel the same things you would.  You wanting so badly to nurture him is probably your own co-dependecy issue. Maybe start there... .

It is not your job to take care of him or try to save him.  Try to start thinking about your pain and nurture yourself.  Save yourself... .

Bunny

[fromheeltoheal]

Another misconception I think you are making is thinking he feels how you would feel in this situation. 

Bunny makes a good point.  Have you read this M?

[Masuimi]

Fromheeltoheal,

I have heard these things from him. He has told me that his parents kicked him out at 17 and he has owned up to the fact that it was because he was stubborn/angry/disrespectful and outright difficult to handle - hence prompting them to give up on him. In my eyes, I cannot understand how any parent could see their child struggling with something mental/emotionally and not try to find someone who can help him instead of just giving up and kicking him out. Maybe they have, but from my understanding they didn't bother trying. He was picked on much in school, but ended up realizing that making friends with his bullies and standing up for himself was much better than living in constant humiliation. He ended up getting rid of all of his friends (as well as some of them leaving him because of his anger problems when he got tired of them constantly using him) at the beginning of this year because he just couldn't stand being around people anymore.

I know what is good for me, but my heart sees him as a broken man that just needs to be loved so deeply. I am trying to keep my ground and stay strong in my decision to set up my boundaries. I told him that I would love him through anything, but the abuse was something that I will no longer take. I don't want to break up and my intention wasn't to break it off with him. My intention was to bring to light that he cannot cross my boundary anymore, and that I will not tolerate the abuse. I know the reality of it is that he cannot comprehend what I need and that he doesn't have the emotional range to do so. It's awful that he can't even aknowledge the fact that he has abused me. I want to think that deep down he has regret and guilt for it, and that maybe he doesn't know how to properly express it (or maybe that's just what I'm hoping for? Idk). I keep holding on to this false hope that one day he'll get it.

[Masuimi]

Hi Bunny,

Thank you so much for your response. I figured that I had very deep codependency issues. It has been brought to light even by my family. I want to save him, and with that I know it is so dangerous for me to continue in this relationship. I cannot save people, and I am not responsible for their problems in life... .I keep telling myself that, over and over again.

I have just read it, and I do think about how he feels, all the time. I look deeply into the message he has sent me this morning and feel as if there is some small glimmer of hope that he is suffering just as much as I am over this. "He misses me, he loves me always, he acknowledges that he is mentally screwed up, he knows he ruins everything good that he gets. He realize that his anger has run people away from him. He can openly admit it and not internalize it like I have read with other BPD people." - I keep thinking that none of these self-realizations sound like someone who has a deep case of BPD (he hasn't been diagnosed, I am speculating myself that he has BPD. I still believe he has it even with these realizations).

I am saddened over the possibility that he isn't suffering from the loss of my love, but just the loss of the attachment. I read his words, and I feel my heart ache for him. I am trying to disconnect the words from the reality of what he has done and what his illness is actually making him think. It's difficult and it sucks.

I've never had to think of myself, I was never taught to think of myself in any situation.

[fromheeltoheal]

I want to think that deep down he has regret and guilt for it, and that maybe he doesn't know how to properly express it (or maybe that's just what I'm hoping for? Idk). I keep holding on to this false hope that one day he'll get it.

It's very good that you set that boundary and also realize it's false hope; it's not a matter of him growing up, it's a matter of mental illness that can't be cured, he could only learn to temper the behavior with long term therapy.

And it's worse than regret and guilt, it's shame.  BPD is a shame-based disorder, the difference being we feel guilt when we did something bad, we feel shame when we are bad.  He can't acknowledge that, it would hurt way too much, so out come the tools and the behaviors to deal with it.  And you cannot fix it.

You love this guy, and we typically have a conflict between our heads and our hearts coming out of these relationships, and it's critical to put your needs ahead of his right now, as much as that hurts, and eventually your heart will catch up to your head.  And then, there are a lot of personal benefits to detaching too, it's early yet, but something to look forward to?

[Masuimi]

Fromheeltoheal,

As of right now all I feel is complete nausea and chaos within myself. All of this conflicting information from people here and people in my family is getting to me. I feel overwhelmed, I feel sick, I feel drained, I just want to throw up and forget everything I am feeling. I want to talk to him but I know that could potentially be setting myself up for something even worse to happen. My family keeps saying that I can't keep assuming that he has BPD because he hasn't been diagnosed and is aware that he has mental problems, they tell me that every one is different regardless of whether or not he has BPD, to think of the PERSON and NOT THE ILLNESS, and that this is something that he and I need to ride out together and on our own - while people here say that he can't comprehend anything, you're just his emotional attatchement, you need to accept the reality if his BPD (even though IM the one that self-diagnosed him), and that regardless of whatever I say or feel he does not feel the same pain. Can anyone, ANYONE see how emotionally unstable these two difference in advice is making me?

[fromheeltoheal]

My family keeps saying that I can't keep assuming that he has BPD because he hasn't been diagnosed and is aware that he has mental problems, they tell me that every one is different regardless of whether or not he has BPD, to think of the PERSON and NOT THE ILLNESS.

Your family is right.  We aren't mental health professionals and neither is your family, I'm assuming.  But in the end it doesn't matter if he's officially diagnosed with a personality disorder or not; it's the behaviors and how they affect you that matter.

Your first posts said, if I remember, you were nauseous, thought you were having a nervous breakdown, said you'd been verbally abused, and more; those are the things that matter.  Real love doesn't feel like that.

And then, you ended up on this site for a reason.  And most of us read story after story that we could have written, the behaviors of other people's partners are spooky-close to the ones we've experienced.  And then we connect with two things: one, what we experienced really is a thing and we're not crazy, and two, we're not alone.  Ta-da!  Good news.

Now I'm sure your family loves you and wants what's best for you, and it is very difficult to understand what it's like to be in a relationship with a "cluster B", the category of personality disorder that a borderline is in, unless you've been there or unless you're a mental health professional who is educated on BPD and narcissistic abuse.  And talking to folks other than that can make it worse, hence the nausea and chaos within.

So I encourage you to read a lot of posts and decide if you belong here and your bf fits the description; in my case it took less than a day to go yup, that's her.  And if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck.  

And then we give you descriptions of other people's experiences and standard borderline behavior, it's not all going to fit your bf because everyone's different.  But if you decide you trust us and we're making a connection, then jump all the way in.  And local therapy with someone who knows BPD will help immeasurably too.

Beyond that, breath deeply, eat, sleep, hydrate, chill, maybe get a little exercise, no booze, watch the caffeine.

That's all I got, type back to tell us you're doing OK.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh, BTW, there is no difference between him and his disorder, they're the same thing, you can't separate them.  The reason for that is order became disorder so early in his development, in the first 3 years of life, before full cognitive thought was possible, that it got literally hardwired into his personality and he developed that way, it's who he is.

Now I shouldn't say "he", I'm talking about standard borderline personality disorder, which manifests as traits that we can recognize as distinct and reproducible from one person to another.  So if you read a lot of posts here and it sounds like people are talking about your ex, more or less, then we can give you more info on why he does what he does and what it all means, the point being to make peace with it all, heal, and move forward with our lives, wiser and more experienced.  Take care of you!

[drained1996]

I'm curious, does your family understand you feel his rage may be taken out on you physically as you stated before?  Are they aware you have been afraid of his anger?  
If you have not shared that feeling with them I suggest you do that immediately.  From earlier posts it sounded like your father was a big supporter of your situation.  Maybe you should share some of your posts here with him in order to give a clearer picture of your situation.  
I'm no therapist for sure, but somewhere it seems there is a disconnect with your family and the reality of your situation.  I'm not sure if it's your unwillingness to feel like you're throwing your BPD "under the bus" so to speak... .or if it's your family's lack of understanding.  Either way something's got to give there.  We can see from your perspective the toxicity of the relationship... .I'm not sure how they cannot.  I certainly wouldn't expect them to understand fully, but I would expect them to support any choice you make for your own well being.  Is FOO something of an issue in your case? (family of origin) meaning past/current issues with family and upbringing... .
I know my thoughts may be considered by others here as a little too straight forward, but I cannot help myself as I see you express you are torn between what they say... .and what is said here.  
None of this withstanding, I suggest you take care of YOU... .which seemed like the path you had chosen.  
There should be little to no conflict between what your family thinks and what advice you have gotten here... .all sides should be about YOU.  

[Masuimi]

I honestly do feel as if I belong here. The more I read about BPD the more I am convinced that he has it.

Yes, there are some things that do not fit the description of how he is - such as the lying or unfaithfulness. I was always the one who had to lie about small things (such as why I'm going somewhere, or what I was doing online) because of the fact that I was afraid of the anger that would ensue. If I was hiding something online, it was because I was looking for ways to help me cope with his outbursts of anger or what I could do to help our lack in communication. If I was hiding where I was going, it was because I just needed to get away from the verbal abuse for a few hours (I'd just go and hang out with my dad). I'm feeling sick with nausea because I know the steps that I must take to bring myself from this place of misery. It hurts so much right now but all I can do is go up from here. I can't bring myself to block him yet or even delete his pictures from my phone... .But I'm taking it a step at a time.

Drained1996,

Yes my family fully knows the depth of the situation. They have seen that today was a bit harder for me, so they are trying to help in the only way they know how (even if it is a bit uninformed). They see it as he's an abusive ahole, he needs to grow up, and if it's meant to be he'll come around. I try my hardest to explain the illness to them to the best of my knowledge and understanding, but like fromheeltoheal has said - unless they have been there or have some sort of understand of BPD, they won't be able to properly help. I have come to my sense on that, I just put a bit more into my families opinion because well THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I think maybe in a way it was also because they were saying things I wanted to hear, as I'm having a hard time still coming to terms with some things. BUT I haven't held back a single thing from them in terms of what I can remember him saying or doing to me. I say REMEMBER because I realize now when asked what it is specifically that he would say or do to me, I wouldn't be able to remember some things. In some instances I'd only recall him yelling at me, blaming me for something, and the feelings I would get afterwards. I think I blocked out some of the abusive things he'd say to me as to shield my mental sanity. Is that something others have experienced as well?

The only person in my family that has fully been able to understand (even when she hasn't been in a BPD relationship) is my cousin. She is getting her degree in psychology and coincidently enough just finished an abnormal psych course where she learned about BPD and its effects. I was able to go to the beach with her today and gain some much needed support. I am trying to work through my emotions right now. I think I'm just a bit stuck in a denial phase even when I know deep down what the reality is. I just need to keep remember the crappy way he's treated me, instead of the sweet (but ultimately selfish the more I re-read it) message he left me this morning. Damn that message, it really screwed me over.

[zonnebloem]

 



Hello Masuimi,

Fine you're letting your anger out. I'm also detaching from a pwBPD and I get/got about the same messages ... .I was in the same position as you are feeling.
You have great help here on this board.
Pray... .life will help you to be where you can be happy.
You are worth so much more than to be messed around.
I have the same feeling... .if my ex wouln't have BPD, he'd be the best match (or he wouldn't even be with me ) but... .unfortunatly he has... .and I cannot cure him nor can I take his emotional abuse any longer. It sucks ... .it realy sucks... .but life is much more than "dating", life is about taking pleasure in meeting kind people and to enjoy the things you realy like.
You might have forgotten what you liked doing before you met "him"?
Keep standing your ground because there is no way back... .you'd only make it worse... .the only way out of this misery is to look what lays before you.
I'm sure you have the best possible help here!
Be good, be strong, love yourself as we love you.

[Masuimi]

And of course they completely agree on me moving forward and focusing fully on myself and MYSELF ONLY. They just want to be supportive in any choice I make, so when I tetter back and forth (because it is day 3 and I'm still in some state of denial) they want to be prepared with whatever decision I make. I take responsibility for the confusion because I am fighting between the fantasy in my heart and the reality in my mind.

I also don't fully understand by what you mean when you say "my unwillingness to throw BPD under the bus... ." Can you explain? I'm also a bit confused on what you mean by FOO (family of origin)? I'm sorry if I'm not fully comprehending, I just want to make sure I'm not misunderstanding anything.

I don't mind at all you asking straightforward questions, it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

[married21years]

i am so sorry 

are you seeing a therapist.

this is one of those moment when their advice would be beneficial

   

[Masuimi]

Zonnebloem 

Thank you for your reply I appreciate it so much. I realize that everyone is here to give me all the love and support I need. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful support system behind me. That is something that my abuser can never take away from me (not any more anyways!)

I've started to remember the things that I loved doing before he came along - reading, yoga, writing, painting, traveling, drinking wine, listening to metal, going to museums, to beaches, to concerts, to conventions, to school, and so much more. It's all the things that he didn't enjoy me doing because he was afraid that I would grow past him and leave him for someone far better. It's funny to even think that I considered giving up YOGA because he would get upset and accuse me of trying to impress other men (he also didn't want anyone else to see me in yoga pants, LOL). He was so afraid of me changing, so he would throw a childish fit when it came to me doing anything that could help me grow as an individual (or anything that didn't involve HIM, even though I'd invite him to share in the things I enjoyed doing). His fits would include belittling and silence treatments. Now that I have an insight into BPD, I can clearly see why he was being completely ridiculous.

I feel like I've gone through every emotion under the sea today. I just need a nice conversation with God and a good sleep.

[Masuimi]

Married21years

I have yet to contact anyone about seeing a therapist but I will do so right when I come home from the vacation was supposed to take with my exBPD BF (I've change my ticket and will be going somewhere else instead).

Thank you so much for your care and concern  I hope all is well with you!

[married21years]

i am fine

this is the first step on a long road we have all traveled  

think of us as your lonely planet guide  

and welcome to the dark side we have cookies!

[drained1996]

Masuimi,

From your frank posts I think it's safe to say you've been very up front about your BPD with your family.  When I used the term "throwing him under the bus" I meant that I thought there was a chance you kind of sheltered them from knowing his full abuse towards you.  I see that is not the case.  As for the FOO (family of origin)  comment that was probably some of my own issues with my own family coming across which was inappropriate on my part and I apologize.  (even us nons project sometimes)
It seems you have very good support at home, and you're doing very well here.  
Remember that this is a process, and this process will take TIME.  There will be decent days, and there will be bad days.  :)ecent days will turn into good days and the path will get easier and brighter.  I feel your pain, and I again apologize for projecting some of my own pain into your situation and overstepping my place here.  

[fromheeltoheal]

I honestly do feel as if I belong here. The more I read about BPD the more I am convinced that he has it.

OK then!  Day four M, one day closer to freedom... .

I just need to keep remember the crappy way he's treated me, instead of the sweet (but ultimately selfish the more I re-read it) message he left me this morning. Damn that message, it really screwed me over.

Yes, you were triggered yesterday, as it's called, and obviously the way to not let that happen is eliminate all of the ways he could contact you.  As your detachment becomes more about you and less about him you'll want to and be able to do that at some point.  Take care of you!

[Masuimi]

fromheeltoheal,

I realize that I'm self-sabotaging myself in a way as of right now. It's so hard for me to block his # and delete his pictures. I know it is critical for me to do so because of the triggers that will ensue, but as of right now I don't know if I'm ready. I find myself waking up sad or worried for him, so I'll check and see if he's messaged - and even throughout the day I'll constantly be checking for anything from him.

It's day 4 and I woke up sad today. I wake up at 5:00 every morning because that is when he'd be telling me he "loves me and will miss me" before driving off to work. I know there will be many sad mornings, but I feel as if there is an empty pit where my heart is supposed to be. I keep re-reading that stupid message he sent yesterday morning. I think I'm still holding on to the words "I'll always love you" but then I realize the rest of it is just him playing up the victim card. "You probably think differently of ME, IM mentally fked, these past few days have been tough for ME, I don't deserve the good things because I just fck it up and I need to learn" it's so frustrating because nowhere in there does he indicate or take responsibility for his abuse. I can never understand the way BPD's justify and process things. It hurts because my entire message I wrote him is all about how much he hurt me and how I'll still love him. I should stop looking into these things, but as of right now I just can't