Back, again

[Depression = 72% of members]

I accidentally put my post on the deciding board so won't go in to the whys and why nots of that post.

I've finally been painted black! I'm sure it's happened in the past but this time I can feel it and see it. We tried again and tbh, with hindsight, I think I could feel and see the devaluation happening too. It's like she no longer cared about masking the BPD. Maybe she was goading me these past few months. I called her out on it as I could see and feel the discard. She would say things or I'd catch her looking at me in a certain way that looked and sounded devaluing. I think I angered her as I think she hadn't fully discarded me. I think she had a bigger discard waiting for me but me calling her out on how I felt she was using me left her with no hiding place thus having no defence for herself. She just cut me off with cruel words. I blocked her for the weekend as didn't want her playing any games with me but unblocked her again. We've had words this morning and she has said I'm nothing but a headache to her and she no longer loves me and that this time is the final goodbye.

Now I've not been a saint and it takes two to tango but why am i the headache. She lied, cheated, played me, manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me and did the cruelest things to me so how comes she deserves better? I never once did any of those things to her yet she deserves more!

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

I'm baffled, angry and hurt that she has said that after all we have been through together and now she has run off in to the night and blocked any means of communication. It's clear she has old/new supply I think if she has just shut the door like that. She's never done that before and she refuses to see me face to face.

[DazedD40]

I accidentally put my post on the deciding board so won't go in to the whys and why nots of that post.

I've finally been painted black! I'm sure it's happened in the past but this time I can feel it and see it. We tried again and tbh, with hindsight, I think I could feel and see the devaluation happening too. It's like she no longer cared about masking the BPD. Maybe she was goading me these past few months. I called her out on it as I could see and feel the discard. She would say things or I'd catch her looking at me in a certain way that looked and sounded devaluing. I think I angered her as I think she hadn't fully discarded me. I think she had a bigger discard waiting for me but me calling her out on how I felt she was using me left her with no hiding place thus having no defence for herself. She just cut me off with cruel words. I blocked her for the weekend as didn't want her playing any games with me but unblocked her again. We've had words this morning and she has said I'm nothing but a headache to her and she no longer loves me and that this time is the final goodbye.

Now I've not been a saint and it takes two to tango but why am i the headache. She lied, cheated, played me, manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me and did the cruelest things to me so how comes she deserves better? I never once did any of those things to her yet she deserves more!

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

I'm baffled, angry and hurt that she has said that after all we have been through together and now she has run off in to the night and blocked any means of communication. It's clear she has old/new supply I think if she has just shut the door like that. She's never done that before and she refuses to see me face to face.

[married21years]

sorry bud 

but sounds familiar!

welcome to the dark side.

we have cookies ! 

[DazedD40]

Is this typical, being painted black, action?

Slag you off, tell you you mean nothing to them, tell you they don't love you, throw a few more cruel things your way, block you, run off leaving you with the blame whilst saying they deserve better treatment?

Am I getting the BPD Bulls&£t?

[UnforgivenII]

Yes.

[married21years]

+1

 

sorry bud, its what they do!

[UnforgivenII]

Welcome to the club. To quote another website "here lies the discard pile"

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment with her, and I don't know your whole story Dazed, but the relationship ended, which she interprets as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down.  A borderline being abandoned is the worst thing that could happen, the emotions get intense, shame starts to creep in, so making you the scumbag and offloading all of the reasons and blame for the demise of the relationship onto you makes her feel better, simple as that.  And it's common for a borderline to play victim with new attachments, saying that they've been treated wrong by all these evil people, which serves double duty of eliciting sympathy from the new attachment, in order to attach, and also continue the offloading of negative emotions onto the ex.

We all do that to some extent don't we?  Blame someone else for something that might not be entirely their fault to make us feel better?  This is that on steroids.

So what's next for you Dazed?

[DazedD40]

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment with her, and I don't know your whole story Dazed, but the relationship ended, which she interprets as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down.  A borderline being abandoned is the worst thing that could happen, the emotions get intense, shame starts to creep in, so making you the scumbag and offloading all of the reasons and blame for the demise of the relationship onto you makes her feel better, simple as that.  And it's common for a borderline to play victim with new attachments, saying that they've been treated wrong by all these evil people, which serves double duty of eliciting sympathy from the new attachment, in order to attach, and also continue the offloading of negative emotions onto the ex.

We all do that to some extent don't we?  Blame someone else for something that might not be entirely their fault to make us feel better?  This is that on steroids.

So what's next for you Dazed?

Yeah she did that to me about her ex's at the start of our 4 years together. I could never understand how 3 out of 4 of them were made out to be lunatics and the 1 who isn't happens to be her kids Dad so I guess he couldn't be all that bad as she needed him for access and money. I know she's doing it to me and the way she went about her business I wouldn't be surprised if she's been slagging me off the entire time we've been together. I certainly know she's done that with her family. She'll be buying in to the bull that she speaks to them and they'll all have an opinion also but sadly not one of them knows who she is and what she is. I feel for her kid as she lost her for 4 years and she'll lose her again when she grows up. It's sad but I can already see the game at play with her kid.

I don't know what's next! I haven't thought much about myself over the past 4 years other than think of her and try to make her happy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess that's why I happily walked in to the recycles the way I did, she made me complete. Oh yes she did that alright, she made me a complete mess.

[DazedD40]

As I sit here thinking about it, I feel she has turned this all around on to me! Like she's scarpered labelling me the crazy one. If truth be told I'm wondering if I'm on the ticket myself!

[married21years]

As I sit here thinking about it, I feel she has turned this all around on to me! Like she's scarpered labelling me the crazy one. If truth be told I'm wondering if I'm on the ticket myself!

hi bud

have you looked at psychological projection, it really is hard fro us normal people to understand, but do some reading

[Fr4nz]

thus
Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment with her, and I don't know your whole story Dazed, but the relationship ended, which she interprets as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down.  A borderline being abandoned is the worst thing that could happen, the emotions get intense, shame starts to creep in, so making you the scumbag and offloading all of the reasons and blame for the demise of the relationship onto you makes her feel better, simple as that.  And it's common for a borderline to play victim with new attachments, saying that they've been treated wrong by all these evil people, which serves double duty of eliciting sympathy from the new attachment, in order to attach, and also continue the offloading of negative emotions onto the ex.

We all do that to some extent don't we?  Blame someone else for something that might not be entirely their fault to make us feel better?  This is that on steroids.

Complementing fromheeltoheal's words... .typically, BPDs end a r/s when they perceive lack of attentions (so, fear of abandonment ensues), too much fights (caused by their own drama-making... .again, fear of abandonment ensues), they get engulfed, etc. The possible combinations are quite a lot.

Regardless, to these things they usually react with very bad actions/words that are taken on impulse (i.e., cheating, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc.); however, even if they have a disorder, they know right from wrong, and given the very poor self-esteem that characterizes BPDs, they feel a very deep, dark shame.

In order to tackle this shame, psychological defense mechanisms kick-in, where they paint (split) their (ex-)partner as "all black": by doing this, they see "all bad" in you, thus avoiding feelings of shame -- even if temporarily.

Obviously, this is deeply dysfunctional: indeed, when a r/s ends, even us nons do these kind of things up to some extent, but the "intensity" exibithed by BPDs is - simply - mind-boggling; this is also why many BPDs paint you "white" again down the line, or they have a very peculiar grieving process that is often named "reverse grieving": differently from us nons, they have big difficulties to see "shades of grey".

[DazedD40]

thus
Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment with her, and I don't know your whole story Dazed, but the relationship ended, which she interprets as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down.  A borderline being abandoned is the worst thing that could happen, the emotions get intense, shame starts to creep in, so making you the scumbag and offloading all of the reasons and blame for the demise of the relationship onto you makes her feel better, simple as that.  And it's common for a borderline to play victim with new attachments, saying that they've been treated wrong by all these evil people, which serves double duty of eliciting sympathy from the new attachment, in order to attach, and also continue the offloading of negative emotions onto the ex.

We all do that to some extent don't we?  Blame someone else for something that might not be entirely their fault to make us feel better?  This is that on steroids.

Complementing fromheeltoheal's words... .typically, BPDs end a r/s when they perceive lack of attentions (so, fear of abandonment ensues), too much fights (caused by their own drama-making... .again, fear of abandonment ensues), they get engulfed, etc. The possible combinations are quite a lot.

Regardless, to these things they usually react with very bad actions/words that are taken on impulse (i.e., cheating, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc.); however, even if they have a disorder, they know right from wrong, and given the very poor self-esteem that characterizes BPDs, they feel a very deep, dark shame.

In order to tackle this shame, psychological defense mechanisms kick-in, where they paint (split) their (ex)partner as "all black": by doing this, they see "all bad" in you, thus avoiding feelings of shame.

Obviously, this is deeply dysfunctional: indeed, this is why many BPDs paint you "white" again at some point, or they have a very peculiar grieving process that is often called "reverse grieving" in these forums.

So basically they act out, feel horrible for the hurt that they have caused, find fault in you and then justify their action without looking back?

[Fr4nz]

So basically they act out, feel horrible for the hurt that they have caused, find fault in you and then justify their action without looking back?

More or less... .the reason is their inability to handle emotions -- thus avoiding to act on impulses -- and to introspect to learn from their mistakes.

That's why BPD is a disorder... .because it is a set of rigid, inflexible thoughts and behaviours -- stemming from the fear of being abandoned -- that only therapy can change/eliminate over time.

[DazedD40]

As I sit here thinking about it, I feel she has turned this all around on to me! Like she's scarpered labelling me the crazy one. If truth be told I'm wondering if I'm on the ticket myself!

hi bud

have you looked at psychological projection, it really is hard fro us normal people to understand, but do some reading

Thanks for the heads up, I'll give it a look.

I'm sitting here on my arse, yet again, struggling to leave the house, caught between fight or flight whilst neglecting myself, yet she's got her family and her friends backing her to the hilt and here I sit bawling my eyes out, feeling completely broken.

[DazedD40]

So basically they act out, feel horrible for the hurt that they have caused, find fault in you and then justify their action without looking back?

More or less... .the reason is their inability to handle emotions -- thus avoiding to act on impulses -- and to introspect to learn from their mistakes.

That's why BPD is a disorder... .because it is a set of rigid, inflexible thoughts and behaviours -- stemming from the fear of being abandoned -- that only therapy can change/eliminate over time.

As things were unfolding over the past month her words and actions didn't match at all. One week she was saying one thing, doing another and this repeated for a month. When we were together it felt amazing but I knew, as I always did on reflection, that something was amiss.

I called her out on her actions not matching her words and she kicked right off. I could sense the devalue/discard happening and by me calling her out over her words and actions not matching she reverted to nastiness saying cruel things. At this point I said to her, that's it and then temp blocked her as I was so angry with her. So am I right in thinking that when I blocked her after the cruel things she said that's triggered her abandonment issues?

[Fr4nz]

Unfortunately, it is not so infrequent that BPDs are able to get support from their family (btw, most of the times the disorder stems from a dysfunctional family... .) or circle of friends. They don't know the truth, anyway, hence They can be manipulated quite easily.

Especially when it comes to friends, they know only her "mask", since the disorder is apparent usually with the people closest to her.

Also, the fact that her family backs her... .makes me think that the family is dysfunctional, if she's indeed BPD (the family must know that something is wrong... .)

My suggestion is to establish NC and focus on your own well-being. A big hug

PS: yes, very likely you triggered her fears of abandonment when you blocked her; anyway, this is a game you can't win, BPD makes relationships too much dysfunctional; so, without any therapy, in the end there's no solution.

[SoMadSoSad]

So basically they act out, feel horrible for the hurt that they have caused, find fault in you and then justify their action without looking back?

More or less... .the reason is their inability to handle emotions -- thus avoiding to act on impulses -- and to introspect to learn from their mistakes.

That's why BPD is a disorder... .because it is a set of rigid, inflexible thoughts and behaviours -- stemming from the fear of being abandoned -- that only therapy can change/eliminate over time.

From what i read therapy only helps manage the symptoms of the disorder not change or eliminate.

[DazedD40]

See I've never experienced this coldness before, which is why, for the first time, I can feel the darkness of her painting me black. Her blocking me speaks volumes. I once said to her, through a silent treatment, your silence is deafening. It feels more than deafening this time though. It's like all other senses have been shut down and she's taken everything away with her.

I know she has gone

[Fr4nz]

See I've never experienced this coldness before, which is why, for the first time, I can feel the darkness of her painting me black. Her blocking me speaks volumes. I once said to her, through a silent treatment, your silence is deafening. It feels more than deafening this time though. It's like all other senses have been shut down and she's taken everything away with her.

I know she has gone

You know, after the breakup (happened 17 months ago) she started to treat me in the most possible uncaring and unempathetic way, critizing me for everything, and depicting me as an horrible partner... .

This went on for slightly less than 2 months, during which I was trying to "win her back"; just before NC was established (on both sides), she humiliated me by having almost sex with my replacement (now an ex himself, ) in front of me... .mind that she was kissing me only a few hours earlier... .

There's really no limit about what they can do once their SO reaches the devaluation stage.

Unfortunately, this kind of behaviours represents the "rule" when dealing with pwBPD, it's part of the disorder... .once you enter the devaluation phase, you'll likely end up trashed away very badly.

[bunny4523]

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

Yes it is very common.  BPD can't seem to handle any of it being their fault.  It's like it challenges who they are and it can put them in a very dangerous mental situation.




"I'm baffled, angry and hurt that she has said that after all we have been through together and now she has run off in to the night and blocked any means of communication. It's clear she has old/new supply I think if she has just shut the door like that. She's never done that before and she refuses to see me face to face. "


so understandable what you are feeling.  Most of us have been there if not ALL of us.  That is part of the hard part of moving on.  We never get any closure or a discussion of "your a good guy, we just aren't good together."  No being friends after this kind of treatment.  I found it very weird too because I am friendly will all of my other exes. I see them as good people and I see their strengths.  I still care about their well being.

This response from BPD that we are worthless is very hard to overcome. You have to be strong enough to know yourself that you are worthy and you can't let their words get into your head.  You have to know better... .

Bunny

[fromheeltoheal]

I could never understand how 3 out of 4 of them were made out to be lunatics and the 1 who isn't happens to be her kids Dad so I guess he couldn't be all that bad as she needed him for access and money.

That's because the attachment with the 3 has been severed, so they have to be lunatics, the option being take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and a borderline won't go there, they can't.  The attachment is still in place with the kid's father because of the kids, so he's not a scumbag yet, at least not to that level, but that could change.

I don't know what's next! I haven't thought much about myself over the past 4 years other than think of her and try to make her happy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess that's why I happily walked in to the recycles the way I did, she made me complete. Oh yes she did that alright, she made me a complete mess.

And you were there voluntarily yes?  And you did what many of us did, developed an identity around caring for a person with large emotional needs, as a backhanded way to get your needs met.  When we put other people's needs ahead of our own, to the extreme that we don't even know we have them anymore or what they are, it's called codependency.  And make no mistake, it was a way to try and get your needs met, but in a weak, dysfunctional way.

And the good news is, since you don't know who you are, you can now reinvent yourself any way you want, using all this newfound wisdom about yourself you've gained, on the way to creating the life of your dreams.  What does that look like for you Dazed?  Come up with something, we insist.

[woundedPhoenix]

Dazed, i will tell you this:

In the devaluation stormwind that eventually led to my discard, i have had many nights that my cellphone was constantly bleeping with txt after txt coming in from her, one blame after the other , "you are the biggest liar in the world", "you never loved me", "you destroyed it all", "you are sick", "we are done"

Could fill a book like that.

Now months later, i know that these devaluation wall of txts coincided EXACTLY with her coming out of online flirting and sexting sessions with other man.

So... .it didn't even have to do anything with me or who i was in the relationship, or whatever happened between us.

She needed to rationalize why she would be able to be on this obsessed night after night flirting rampage, and still somewhat in a relationship with me. So instead of feeling wrong about her own actions... .she needed to cast them off on me... .make me the reason she 'cheated' online.

And as to why she went on this flirting expedition... .hunt for attention to subdue her perceived abandonment fears. You can be locked to them by chains and they still can believe you will leave them.

So,  it doesn't have to do anything with you. It is whatever they need to believe based on whatever feeling they need to manage... .

[DazedD40]

I can accept its who she is and now I'm on the blackened side of the fence, the past relationships and what she told me about them now fits perfectly to where I am at with her. Just a shame i let her have 4 years of my life and my kids lives.

[DazedD40]

I could never understand how 3 out of 4 of them were made out to be lunatics and the 1 who isn't happens to be her kids Dad so I guess he couldn't be all that bad as she needed him for access and money.

That's because the attachment with the 3 has been severed, so they have to be lunatics, the option being take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and a borderline won't go there, they can't.  The attachment is still in place with the kid's father because of the kids, so he's not a scumbag yet, at least not to that level, but that could change.

I don't know what's next! I haven't thought much about myself over the past 4 years other than think of her and try to make her happy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess that's why I happily walked in to the recycles the way I did, she made me complete. Oh yes she did that alright, she made me a complete mess.

And you were there voluntarily yes?  And you did what many of us did, developed an identity around caring for a person with large emotional needs, as a backhanded way to get your needs met.  When we put other people's needs ahead of our own, to the extreme that we don't even know we have them anymore or what they are, it's called codependency.  And make no mistake, it was a way to try and get your needs met, but in a weak, dysfunctional way.

And the good news is, since you don't know who you are, you can now reinvent yourself any way you want, using all this newfound wisdom about yourself you've gained, on the way to creating the life of your dreams.  What does that look like for you Dazed?  Come up with something, we insist.

I just want a simple life that's all. To find myself again, be confident and have self esteem and a belief I'm actually an alright guy. Financial security wouldn't go a miss either haha

[fromheeltoheal]

have you looked at psychological projection, it really is hard fro us normal people to understand, but do some reading

Actually we all project all the time; we can positively project too, like that fantasy most of us projected onto our exes, and it wasn't until everything sucked that it was undeniable our partner and our projection of them didn't match.  With a borderline it's just to the extreme, like most things; a borderline projects so well that whatever the new version is becomes irrefutable fact in their heads.

[Stripey77]

I was painted blacker than midnight, my friend, for about 6 months. I was ghosted, blamed, totally ignored, I know that he talked about me to others painting me as the villain of the piece. I was in a horrible, horrible place.

Guess what? He came back.

Oh, and now he's not talking to me again, because of some other external thing that happened.

IS there really a 'final discard'? Is there? Because I was told that I was 'deleted' from his life and that I no longer existed to him. When I went to his house after 6 months apart, all of my things were still there, in situ. He still has my gifts and photos of me - I know because he referenced them.

I am beginning to think that the 'final discard' is only when one of you dies! 

Even though he's pretending I don't exist once again, and even though it's causing me a lot of pain, I find myself slightly strangely detached from it this time. I don't know... .just can't really seem to take it seriously anymore. It really is like the little boy who cried wolf.

[Stripey77]

Oh BTW I am blocked on everything you care to name... .Skype, Insta, FB... .the only thing I'm not blocked on at the moment is Whatsapp. He needed that when he started messaging me after coming back in my life after 6 months.

I have tried to send one or two messages on this during this latest ST or whatever it is I'm experiencing this time... .they've been ignored but not blocked. But the last one I sent a couple of days ago as it happens, he has steadfastly made a point of not reading. If it wasn't all so sad, it would be funny. I know it's gone to his phone, but he has deliberately not read it. I think he is in a bad place of shame/guilt with regards to me this time around. He probably can't face it - although of course, I have as usual been nothing but kind in my message - hence why he's not blocked me. There's nothing else to 'blame' me for this time so it's himself he's running away from. He's not angry with me.

It's all so terribly sad. And I miss him so much but boy, this is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

[DazedD40]

She's never cut me off like this before and I'm wondering if I should try her email but then I think if I do she'll label me a stalker meaning she then has more ammo on me to tell her supporters. I'm guessing I've been painted blacker than black so why make it worse. It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to talk so I guess I should softly slip away and just get on with me and my life.

It is sad your right. I went to bed in pieces last night and couldn't sleep properly. I keep playing things through in my mind, things she said and her actions over the past month really make me draw the conclusion that she has finally painted me black. I don't know how to take this really as she has never done this before.

[DazedD40]

I saw her briefly yday as we passed one another in our cars. She didn't see me but as I watched her move past in slow moving traffic I had long enough to see her face and the look was one of hatred even though she didn't see me. Her BPD shows on her face and always has. She couldn't keep the mask on around me so when I saw her I could see she is in full on BPD mode.

The craziness may start this weekend. We both have free weekends from the kids as we were going to spend it together. She'll be out and about on the prowl looking to get over me with someone and I know full well she'll want to let me know of this. Not directly but she'll try find a way. Really need to find some strength to get through all of this. If she's turned me black then there's nothing I can do apart from stop my craziness over this.

[zonnebloem]

 

As written above: It is what they do! It happens to me too... .the only one that doesn't need T is them... .in their eyes.
My ex- pwBPD would NOT understand why I could not get on with his JEALOUS family but I do get along with my friends... .so he'd be jealous of my friends, blaming me I don't fitt in that (sick) family and ... .oh well... .the manipulating story. I find it very hard to except that he CAN NOT understand that my friends and his family are different the way they act and think.
Are people "all the same" to them?