Thinking of re-engaging...Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I have been NC for two months on Sunday, after me and my ex were on a "break" whilst she promised to come back to me to spend the rest of her life with me. In the meantime she met someone else and has been with him in a LDR for the summer. She lives in New York and he lives in Europe. Meanwhile I know she has remained in contact with the guy she left for me (pretty suddenly packed her stuff and left him, that was a major red flag in itself), a guy she had a turbulent 4 year relationship with who is a good looking narcissist and pretty much defines her existence and acts as the father figure.

I obviously miss the first few months of the relationship and her physical closeness. After 2 months of NC she suddenly posted a message on instagram yesterday saying ":)on't you dare start missing me once I have stopped missing you". I have a gut feeling that this message was intended for me. Even though she is the one who left me, perhaps she is sending out a message for me to reach out to her. She also liked one of my company instagram pictures two days ago, something which she hadn't done since we broke up. I feel those might be subtle signs. I don't thinks he is used to guys going totally NC on her. My last message to her was "I don't think its a good idea we meet. Focus on your new relationship".

Part of me wants to send out a message to test the waters, but I know she is still in touch with the 4 year relationship guy and they are currently physically in the same city.

Please advise.

Thank you,

Edward81

[Edward1981]

Hi all,

I have been NC for two months on Sunday, after me and my ex were on a "break" whilst she promised to come back to me to spend the rest of her life with me. In the meantime she met someone else and has been with him in a LDR for the summer. She lives in New York and he lives in Europe. Meanwhile I know she has remained in contact with the guy she left for me (pretty suddenly packed her stuff and left him, that was a major red flag in itself), a guy she had a turbulent 4 year relationship with who is a good looking narcissist and pretty much defines her existence and acts as the father figure.

I obviously miss the first few months of the relationship and her physical closeness. After 2 months of NC she suddenly posted a message on instagram yesterday saying ":)on't you dare start missing me once I have stopped missing you". I have a gut feeling that this message was intended for me. Even though she is the one who left me, perhaps she is sending out a message for me to reach out to her. She also liked one of my company instagram pictures two days ago, something which she hadn't done since we broke up. I feel those might be subtle signs. I don't thinks he is used to guys going totally NC on her. My last message to her was "I don't think its a good idea we meet. Focus on your new relationship".

Part of me wants to send out a message to test the waters, but I know she is still in touch with the 4 year relationship guy and they are currently physically in the same city.

Please advise.

Thank you,

Edward81

[UnforgivenII]

Didn't you suffer enough?
Are you in for another ride on the crazy train?
As Assc direct saysnce you allow them back, you open the door for the funhouse.

I did it yesterday. Read how it left me.
He came to my house to discard me AGAIN and I am devastated.

Do not follow my steps.

[Moselle]

Hang in there Edward.

What has changed in your attitude since your last sms?

"I don't think it's good idea we meet. Focus on your new relationship"

Why was it a bad idea then?

[married21years]

take care bud

this is a recycle me thinks 

[Edward1981]

it was a bad idea because she blew me off twice and then wanted to meet up before she goes off on a trip with my replacement. So I stood my ground and refused. So probably thinks its my fault as I didnt want to meet her totally disregarding the fact that her attitude was totally wrong and immoral.

My ego and pride is not letting me reach out to her... .there is a deep yearning and desire inside to want to hear her voice. Have not heard it in 2 months... .

[drained1996]

Edward,

I see you have set boundaries to protect yourself which is a very healthy thing to do.  I also see you are struggling with the idea of breaking those boundaries even though you really know it's a bad idea. 
Do you really want back in on the emotional roller coaster?  I think not

Let's take a peek into what is making you feel like crossing your own boundaries.  You express a deep yearning to hear her voice.  I've felt the exact same way before, and in a time of no contact I expressed that desire to my therapist and I asked why I would have feelings like that for her given what I went through.  He quickly said, that's YOUR loneliness, it has NOTHING to do with her.  That's all he said on the subject.
I didn't react in the session, but pondered his statement.  I looked inside my own feelings and his statement was absolutely true.  It had NOTHING to do with her.  But... .the easiest route to fix that loneliness and the most recent memory of not having that loneliness was her... .so it's no wonder my human brain latched onto the most recent remedy for my loneliness.  I had to radically accept that this empty feeling was my own issue and was completely unrelated to her... .she was but an answer of one way to soothe my loneliness... .and a very bad answer at that. 
My ultimate solution was to work on me... .that path has led me to the doorstep of happiness... .and she will never be my answer for loneliness again.

[Edward1981]

thanks for the response. I agree that perhaps I was used to calling her when feeling empty. I have just never found myself in such a situation where I am dying to call someone but know that I might be greeted with hostility and will most definitely not get my needs met.

I feel like the more time goes by, the more she will forget about me. The less I will feel what we had is validated. That is a very painful feeling.

[drained1996]

So is it closure you're looking for? 
Or is it validation that what you had was real?

[Edward1981]

actually what I want is for her to acknowledge what she did for me, and for her to come back to me, slim chance of any of the two happening... .

[Edward1981]

I have a question though, if she is currently with this narcissistic guy whom she dated for 4 years before me, and whom she left for me, is it possible that such a relationship lasts?

[Moselle]

It is not likely to last. But is that your business/problem?

Edward, others have alluded to the real problem sitting within us. We yearn for love,  acceptance and validation. That is a healthy yearning. Very often we expect others to meet these needs, when that is actually our responsibility to ourselves.

You have some space now to do just that. It may feel uncomfortable at first but but becomes easier.

The irony is that when we do these things for ourselves, we draw people in who can love us that way too. That is healthy

[drained1996]

So you implemented and are continuing NC to protect yourself obviously.  
But you're willing to break that boundary that YOU set for YOUR protection, to bring into your circle exactly what you have been protecting yourself from? 
It doesn't sound like anything has changed for the better about your BPD to make her safer for you... .actually it sounds much more chaotic now.    
So why are you contemplating this step?

I'll ask you to look back to my post about loneliness and take that into consideration.

Moselle is 100% correct, you have a good opportunity to begin working on yourself, to get you in a place where you will draw in the kind of people you would like to have in your life.  If true happiness is what you want, a pwBPD can never offer that.  
I found the road to recovery challenging over the last 2 years, but much easier than the fairly constant hell I lived in with my BPD the 4+ years prior.

[Edward1981]

I am in a lot of pain. I have never had something so intense and then all of a sudden separated like we are strangers. And she is now back with the guy she had left to be with me, or at least seeing him. That is where my deep yearning to connect is coming from. To give what we had in meaning. I can't accept that what we had just disappeared in thin air. It is killing me. She has made a couple of very subtle hints to reconnect as I mentioned, I am still confused as to what I should do. Perhaps she is feeling too much shame or pride to reconnect, am lost... .

Perhaps even just a small message to drop her to leave the door open to at least talk and have some form of closure.

[lovenature]

You will not get closure or validation from a pwBPD because they didn't experience the relationship like you did; they made up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, while you lived in actual reality.

Sounds like she is checking to see if an attachment is still available; do you really want to go back to her while she is triangulating you with another guy? Can you trust her, do you think you ever will be able to?
Think of the bad vs. the good. How many times did her words not match her actions?

The pain of NC is excruciating, I am 7 1/2 months out and I will tell you that it gets worse before it gets better (I broke NC after 5 months before because of compassion, feelings, tired of the pain). What we all need to remember is how life was before our BPD relationship, during, and after.
The good part is by getting out of the F.O.G., seeing things clearly, and working on ourselves (why we stayed in a toxic relationship), we can get back to who we were and become even better.

Focus on YOU.