Need help with wording for setting boundary

[whitebackatcha]

I haven't posted on the boards in awhile.  

I've been having more and more boundaries, and it's been going really well. The one area that I haven't been able to squelch is BPDGF's breaking up every other month (two-year relationship). I told her she needs a plan for how to deal with her feelings other than ending things. She hasnt done this.

I need her to make a plan, or we can no longer have a relationship. We are currently no direct contact, because I told her I needed space when it happened again.

I need help wording this in the best way possible. She hates empathy, and prefers directness. I just know I sometimes regret my phrasing. I also know she may not be capable of this. I am no longer willing to waste energy crying over something that is needless, and wait around for her to change her mind.

I respect whatever feelings she has, I just need her to have a concrete plan on what she will do instead. I am fine if she needs something from me, even.

I am open to other ideas too, but "don't take it personally and just keep going with your life" aren't acceptable anymore for me.

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[ArleighBurke]

Remember, a boundary isn't to control her - it's to protect yourself. So you can't really say she's not allowed to break up with you. You can say "if you breakup with me, I will X" (move on perhaps?, no chance of getting back together? - I'm not sure what you want).

So what you're asking seems wrong - you seem to want her to develop better skills are managing her feelings (which isn't wrong - but it's not a boundary of YOURS). What feelings do you think she's not "handling" by breaking up with you? What kinds of conversations/events trigger her wanting to break up?

[whitebackatcha]

Remember, a boundary isn't to control her - it's to protect yourself. So you can't really say she's not allowed to break up with you. You can say "if you breakup with me, I will X" (move on perhaps?, no chance of getting back together? - I'm not sure what you want).

So what you're asking seems wrong - you seem to want her to develop better skills are managing her feelings (which isn't wrong - but it's not a boundary of YOURS). What feelings do you think she's not "handling" by breaking up with you? What kinds of conversations/events trigger her wanting to break up?

My boundary is that we will not resume talking unless there is a plan in place. I am already doing my end of things.

She breaks up for the same reason as all the others. She feels like it's her only way to relieve the pressure, or sometimes to exert control. Last time it was that she asked me if I thought she was abusive, and I didn't respond the right away. This time, I think she felt like a failure in meeting my needs, so if we don't have a title, there are no demands of her. It is something every other month. She knows this is her pattern.

[ArleighBurke]

So I'm confused what you're asking of her... .

"We won't resume talking unless there's a plan"

Do you mean
- after you break up, you won't resume a relationship unless there's a plan
- you won't argue with her without a plan?

[whitebackatcha]

So I'm confused what you're asking of her... .

"We won't resume talking unless there's a plan"

Do you mean
- after you break up, you won't resume a relationship unless there's a plan
- you won't argue with her without a plan?

We currently have no direct contact, as chosen by me after she did it again. I see no reason to talk to her as though nothing happened, because it is only a matter of time before things feel safe and then she ends it again. If she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to have a different way of dealing with that impulse. She may not follow the plan once in the situation, and I will have to decide what I will then do. But it is a GUARANTEE that it will happen again without a plan.

[ArleighBurke]

(No need to quote the previous post if it just follows on... .)

I agree with what you are asking for - you want to do something to try to stop the constant cycle. I'm not sure that's something she can provide (she has BPD you know!)

When you have the conversations and she says she needs to break up - how is your Validation? What do the conversations go like?   

[whitebackatcha]

(No need to quote the previous post if it just follows on... .)

I agree with what you are asking for - you want to do something to try to stop the constant cycle. I'm not sure that's something she can provide (she has BPD you know!)

When you have the conversations and she says she needs to break up - how is your Validation? What do the conversations go like?   

It may not be, but I have also seen her rise to new expectations I have put on her because I have stopped enabling her. I am honestly not sure what she is capable of.

She gets angry if I tell her I understand her feelings, that they make sense, that I would feel that way too, anything at all like that. She says she doesn't need me to understand, and doesn't care if I do either. She becomes irate if I use a feeling word she hasn't used herself. The past few times have ended up with me using logical arguments, which I totally understand isn't correct either, although once or twice she did change her mind. I feel like she gets her validation from me not liking her proclamation. If I just say okay, I am dealing with her pride in refusing to make amends, whIle I am once again crying or depressed for the next however many days, at the least. This is why "just let her do her thing" isn't working for me. In the past, I've tried ending with sone thing supportime, so she had a safe place to land if she comes back, and I'm sure that is ideal... .for her. This is just no longer acceptable to me. It is the abuse cycle.

[thisagain]

This sounds really frustrating. My BPDex also did the regular breakups, and honestly it ended when I called her bluff on one of them. Like you, I was able to let it roll off my back a few times, and then she crossed some other lines and it got to be too much.

What kind of a plan are you hoping for her to have?

She gets angry if I tell her I understand her feelings, that they make sense, that I would feel that way too, anything at all like that. She says she doesn't need me to understand, and doesn't care if I do either.

Any indication of what she does want/need from you? How does the conversation usually go when she says she's breaking up with you?

[Meili]

If she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to have a different way of dealing with that impulse. She may not follow the plan once in the situation, and I will have to decide what I will then do. But it is a GUARANTEE that it will happen again without a plan.

hhmmm... .that sounds a lot more like an ultimatum than a boundary.

From the article on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits:

The Idea of "Setting Boundaries" is Misleading
The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

It sounds like you're at the point where the threat is something that you're willing to risk. We all have our limits and no one can fault you for standing your ground and taking care of yourself. Just be sure that's where you're really at when you give the ultimatum. Giving in will just reward her bad behavior and cause you more trouble in the future.