Dysfunctional Family During Pregnancy

[idedpatient]

Hello. This is my first time posting to this forum, or any forum for people with family members like mine. I've visited a couple of times when looking for validation that I'm not the only one who has to deal with these things, though, and my current situation makes me think I'll need some extra support in the next few months. I've really only started to come to terms with the extent to which my family is dysfunctional in the last year or so, and the sheer volume of dysfunction is a little much for one post, so I'm going to keep the focus on the most current issues for my first attempt at sharing my story.

I'm expecting my first child any day now. I'm a few days overdue, actually, and I've been caught off guard by the behavior I've experienced from my FOO since announcing my pregnancy. I've known that my childhood was not normal for a long time now, but things have really escalated since I've been pregnant. The most unexpected has been my older sister. She has two kids and both my SO and I are very close with them. I have put a sincere effort into being a good sister and a good aunt even though my sister and I were not close growing up – she was my first and worst bully. She has a lot of narcissistic traits, but I don't think she's full blown NPD. She has been very jealous of and hurtful toward me for as long as I can remember. The most telling incident in my mind is that she tried to drown me when I was two and she was three. My parents always dismissed it and tell the story like it's a funny little anecdote, but now that I'm an adult and a parent I don't see the humor in it at all. Most of my memories of her in childhood involve her degrading me or trying to isolate me by trying to "charm" my friends into being hers, instead. It was never inclusive – it had to be her or me, and like most narcissists, she can be incredibly charming if you don't know her well enough to be subject to her abuse. Any time I had a boyfriend, she would ridicule them and make fun of me for liking them until I broke up with them to make it stop. I only recently realized that she never had a boyfriend when she was making fun of me for having one. This was in elementary school and junior high, so they were all innocent childhood crushes, but I can't think of one that she just let me have without shaming me for it. She does the same now with my SO – she openly insults his intelligence (and mine) and then plays it off as "just joking."

Still, I was really excited to learn I was going to be an aunt, and I was able to spend a lot of time with both my niece and nephew in their early years. My SO and I kept my niece at least once a week until she was 3, and we also arranged to keep her 3 days a week for a couple of months when my sister went back to work so that she wouldn't have to leave her first born with a stranger. When we found out she was having another baby, we volunteered to come and stay with my niece when my sister when into labor with my nephew, and we kept her for a week when my nephew was born because she got the flu. They are 6 and 3 now, and we have made an effort to see them at least once a month until recently. My SO has treated my sister with the same consideration that he treats his own sister, and he has provided a positive male role model for both her kids. Their dad is in the picture, but quite self-absorbed and absent a lot of the time. We looked out for my sister in his absence quite a bit during her pregnancy. He opted to travel for work for the first three months of my niece's life, and she started viewing my SO as more of her daddy because he was the only male influence around. She still adores him and has a strong connection with him as a result. I thought our relationship had improved after all of this.

We announced my pregnancy to my sister and her kids in late February, and her reaction was unrewarding, to say the least. She didn't get excited. She didn't hug either of us. Instead, she tensed up and said, "Well, I certainly didn't expect to hear that today." My SO and I were so uncomfortable that we just wanted to leave. She has not asked how I'm doing or how my baby is doing once since learning I was pregnant. I mentioned this to her when we were all at my uBPD mother's house for Mother's Day in May, and my sister looked pleased that I had noticed and said, "That's right – and I never will, because you don't deserve it." She went on to insinuate that I'm a bad person and that because of that, my child doesn't deserve to be acknowledged. I wish I was exaggerating. The only good thing about it was that my SO witnessed it, too, and he had never seen her like that before. It helped him to understand what I grew up with much better than just hearing about it from me.

My sister has also fired several nannies for choosing to have children of their own, so I think the deal is that she's threatened by anyone who cares about her kids having their own children for some fear of abandonment that stems from her own childhood, and I guess I'm the ultimate trigger for that. I think she wanted me to never have kids and just invest all of my energy in her children, instead. I've had to draw some boundaries with her this year for my own emotional well-being, and she's started treating her kids as a package deal where we can only see them if she's invited, too. Up until all this started, it was not uncommon for us to keep my niece overnight for a sleepover, so the requirement that my sister be present is new. I've offered to spend time with her kids, but she won't accept that I'm uncomfortable being around her, so she shuts that down every time. I miss them and I worry for them, but I have to prioritize my child and my own well-being right now.

My mother has also been acting out this year, but I'm more used to that because BPD is much more obvious than narcissism to me. What's troubling about it right now is that because they are both upset with me at once, they have teamed up for the first time in my life. My SO and I decided several months ago that we didn't want any family at the hospital because of the drama, but I'm starting to dread having my FOO visit to meet my baby and I don't know what to do about it. I'm tempted not to announce his birth to them at all. Is that terrible?

[Turkish]

Hello idedpatient,

Congratulations on your baby!  Children are such blessed gifts 

In a family where everyone's healthy,  steeping into your Auntie role along with your SO being Uncle sounds pretty normal.  The conflict sounds like it stems from your sister steeping back to much from being a mommy (perhaps being neglectful?), and now she's lashing out because she views you as being neglectful... .even though there is nothing wrong in the last in focusing on your primary family now.  It's sad that she not only can't won't reciprocate,  but that she's being emotionally abusive. 

She calls you a bad person?  Sometimes validating that rather than ignoring it (and inviting more abuse) might be right: "I'm sorry that you feel that way," and leave it at that.  This is a bit sarcastic... .maybe others here can help craft a more neutral response. 

You have every right to have whomever you will have in the birthing room.  Less stress will help keep you and your baby safer pwBPD  (people with BPD) can act entitled in the face of "rejection." My mother with BPD was very hurt and let me know it when my Ex didn't want her there.  As an RN, and our son being her first grandchild,  she just expected to be there.  She never even asked,  but rather expected it. 

For now,  focus on your primary family: you (self care is important), your baby and Daddy.  It's understandable that you may feel anxious about the days afterwards and family visiting,  but get through now what you need to get through to have a healthy birth and the first hours of bonding with your precious child. The future isn't going anywhere.  One thing at a time.  We'll be here when you get back. 



Turkish

[Notwendy]

I am sorry that you are experiencing these issues during this happy time. I think you and your SO have been wonderful aunt/uncle to your sister's children, and will be great parents.

I think in a nutshell ( with a complicated situation) an explanation of NPD/BPD families is that they see other people as extensions of themselves. This is due to weak/poor boundaries. The idea that someone has their own minds, own ideas- separate from them may be difficult to grasp. Having your own baby is a sign of being separate, your attention is not on your sister's needs. She may feel threatened or abandoned. However, that is not your problem. It is her issue to deal with. You have a bigger job at hand- motherhood!

I've also experienced members in dysfunctional families teaming up against another. It is (IMHO) and emotionally immature behavior. It is a common stage for late elementary school/middle school kids to team up as friends and leave another one out. I think that stage is a cruel one "mean girls" and one hopes that most kids grow out of this when they mature. However, if one thinks of NPD/BPD as including emotional immaturity, then that could explain this.  This isn't your problem either!

People with BPD tend to project their bad feelings onto others. That is really hurtful, but consider that what they say to you may be more about them than about you.

Lastly, I think there are stages and transitions in life that all families go through. They include changes, possibly stressors, emotional growth, and blessings. I'm a bit older than you, and so have observed my parents (BPD mom) through these changes. As a parent, I've also experienced them- the birth of a baby, first day of kindergarten, parenting teen agers. As you can expect- there are challenges- toddlers having tantrums, teens being teens- and parents need to be firm, but loving while their child asserts themselves. Then, as parents, we need to learn to let go as our kids become their own people. If a person with BPD/NPD sees a child as an extension of themselves, then they can have difficulty when the child asserts themselves, even an adult child. The birth of a child/grandchild is a transition. I think that dysfunctional families cope with changes and stress in dysfunctional ways.

Once I became a parent, my main focus was on the well being of my children. There were times I chose their well being over my parents' happiness. It was hurtful to have their disapproval, but I had to put the children first. I thought my parents would understand this, but they didn't. In retrospect- why should they? If I was an extension of them, so would my children be.

For the sake of this child, and you, and your SO- your new family is the center of your life, whether they like it or not. And, if it stresses you to be dealing with them, and a newborn, then don't include them until you feel ready to ( if ever). But I hope you can get some help- friends, family, even hire a reliable helper for an hour or so, or bring in a meal, send out laundry- if you can- to give yourself some support. You won't want to leave the baby, but an extra pair of hands can let you get some sleep, or someone can fix a meal, or do laundry- while you and your SO can relax a little. Self care is important. Your sister and FOO may not like this new focus, but know that you are doing the best for your little one by taking care of you.

Congratulations!

[Notwendy]

FWIW- I didn't have any parents in the delivery room. This is a personal choice. For some people, having a parent or sibling there is a support, but I didn't feel comfortable with parents there.

The birth of a baby is a special, emotional time, between the parents of the new child. It is also the "birth" for them as they transition into a brand new role- parents. It is emotional, even spiritual, to welcome this new life into the world. The new parents get to decide who they wish to share this moment with ( in addition to the doctors, nurses, and/or midwifes!)