Intro

[Parents! Get help here!]

 I am the mother of a smart and kind and beautiful and loving 20-year-old daughter. She also sugfers from BPD.

 I am just beginning to understand this disorder and have begun to slip out of the binds of denial and find help for myself as well as find more help for her.
I am determined to find a way out of our current way of Being where BPD defines who she is - and who I am with her.

 I hope to find some comfort and empathy on this message board  as well as some new and useful information.

I have so many questions, it's difficult to focus. Finding a better therapist who specializes in this disorder is my primary goal at this time as well as learning coping skills for myself so that I am able to create a more peaceful and supportive environment  at home. My daughter  appears to be functioning  at a relatively high level on most days; but that term is rather meaningless to me when I see an intelligent 20-year-old young woman with her whole life ahead of  her struggle every single day just to get out of bed and function "normally."  

She has dropped out of her first semester of college twice because she has been unable to cope with the pressures of school. She has a part-time job. She lives at home and desperately wants to be on her own but she knows that she isn't capable of supporting herself alone. My mind and body literally ache when I think about her future. I am a very strong  person and want her to be strong, too. But mostly, I just want her to be happy.

[Kryptonite]

 I am the mother of a smart and kind and beautiful and loving 20-year-old daughter. She also sugfers from BPD.

 I am just beginning to understand this disorder and have begun to slip out of the binds of denial and find help for myself as well as find more help for her.
I am determined to find a way out of our current way of Being where BPD defines who she is - and who I am with her.

 I hope to find some comfort and empathy on this message board  as well as some new and useful information.

I have so many questions, it's difficult to focus. Finding a better therapist who specializes in this disorder is my primary goal at this time as well as learning coping skills for myself so that I am able to create a more peaceful and supportive environment  at home. My daughter  appears to be functioning  at a relatively high level on most days; but that term is rather meaningless to me when I see an intelligent 20-year-old young woman with her whole life ahead of  her struggle every single day just to get out of bed and function "normally."  

She has dropped out of her first semester of college twice because she has been unable to cope with the pressures of school. She has a part-time job. She lives at home and desperately wants to be on her own but she knows that she isn't capable of supporting herself alone. My mind and body literally ache when I think about her future. I am a very strong  person and want her to be strong, too. But mostly, I just want her to be happy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ManiacalFairy]

Hello! I'm new here too. My dd is 18 and entering her senior year in high school in a few weeks. What you're describing is what I'm anticipating with my dd. I'm hoping with therapy and maybe a change in medication she'll be able to become the independent person she wants to be but as of right now the thought of her managing college just doesn't seem possible with her current coping skills. I don't have anything to say other than you're not alone.

[lbjnltx]

Welcome Kryptonite 

I think you have the right mindset to begin to turn this around for both you and your daughter.  One of the key factors for pwBPD (people with BPD) in recovery and progress is the support of a loving and accepting family.  Your d17 has that!

Finding a trained therapist that specializes in BPD treatment can sometimes be difficult.  How is the search going and what kind of therapy are you looking for? 

I look forward to hearing back from you and sharing your journey!

lbj

[Mutt]

Hi Kryptonite,



I'd like to join   ManiacalFairy and   lbjnltx and welcome you. You're daughter is lucky to have such a compassionate and determined mom like you.

I am determined to find a way out of our current way of Being where BPD defines who she is - and who I am with her.

Mental illness is just an imbalance and the person has to find ways to balance it with therapy, self care and it helps when the person doesn't go through it alone and shares it with family members.

There's a lot of wisdom, tools amd resources here and I'm glad that you decided to join us. Welcome to.the family 

[wendydarling]

Welcome Kryptonite 

Your first post reminds me of mine last December and the first response from a member was they welcomed my optimistic approach and wished me well. It meant so much to me! I've learned and accomplished over the last 6 months (my daughter is 27) with the help of everyone at bpdfamily 

Stay with, let us know how you are, speak out, we are walking with you.

We love our children and are here, for them and us.

WDX


























 

[Kryptonite]

Thanks to those kind enough to reply. I have not been back on here since I first posted. i have been reading insights and info on the site. Helpful and sobering and a little scary.

I feel a bit like a sham. My first post apparently painted a picture of this understanding and supportive parent. The truth is, I often find myself giving in to anger and frustration at my daughter. I often switch into " why are you so lazy or unmotivated" mode. I dont say the words but I convey my dissapointment at times. I also feel manipulated by her and let hwr know it.

I dont know when or if to push her to be more responsible and accountable. I resent that she has a job but spends most of her earnings on makeup food and pot and does not contribute to the household. She has 2 younger siblings who often pick up her slack. I am angry that she has gotten into 2 car accidents and cost me tens of thousands of dollars over the past few years - for various reasons from legal costs to (wasted) school fees to ineffective therapy.  I am not being a good mother. i am Being my circumstance.

Nevertheless, I am truly grateful - so very very thankful that she has not harmed herself seriously, or others. I know money means nothing in the end. Her happiness and health and that of her siblings is all that matters. But sometimes - like right now - I feel like the victim. I feel for my other children and lament that they too resent their sister at times, especially my 16 year old daughter.  She has seen a lot of the worst of times - up close ( panic attacks, violent outbursts and some scary moments with her older sister). She also sees love - a lot of it. We all love each other very much. But we have scars.

Its just hard to see light. I can only see tunnel. We navigate it well, but its so tiring sometimes. For me.  I feel like a failure. ( and a rambler - sorry)

I had to let that out, I guess.

My daughter wBPD is away visiting a friend at college. ( Her friend bought her a ticket). I am imagining that she is the one away at college. Wishing it. Ashamed somehow that she isnt. Scared she will never go back to school - find her way. Fear and anger. Useless emotions slowly eating away at me.

So - yes. Enough of the ramble.  I must find a good DBT specialist in my health plan. Options are few.

[Gorges]

I don't think your are a sham! You love your daughter.  Sounds like you are very supportive, but understandably frustrated. 

My dd age 18 saw a therapist that specialized in DBT and did DBT groups for approx 2 years age 15-17... .

Maybe if gave her a tool kit, hard to know.

The most effective time period though was when my husband and I saw a MST (multi-systemic therapy), or essentially a family therapist in order to create and carry out consequences to her choices.

My husband usually wants no consequences and wants to not deal with anything, I over-react and become somewhat abusive because I feel trapped as I can't give consequences due to my husband's undermining behavior.

Anyway, my point is... .in addition to DBT for your daughter, I think therapy for the parents is even more important.  This will help you sort out what types of limits you want to put on your daughter so that you don't become too frustrated.

My daughter is off at college (just started) and my husband and I are back in therapy to come up with a contract for when she is at home for breaks this year what the rules and consequences would be.  If things head south, I can definitely see my daughter being similar to yours.  My daughter enjoys working at minimum wage jobs (nothing wrong with this) and typically spends her money on the same things you mentioned.  If she drops out we will need to rework a contract with the help of a good therapist. Luckily we have one but that can be quite a search as well.  Good luck! You are aren't alone.