back home w/BPD sis and uBPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey everyone,

So, the time has finally come: in a little over a week, I'll be back home (where I don't go very often) in the same city as my BPD sis and uBPD. My hometown is still a place that I absolutely love -- but it's just changed shape and dynamic over the years. I am staying with a good friend the week that I am in town (good that I am not staying with my parents bc of my mother's completely unpredictable meltdowns/temper tantrums).

But -- I still struggle with whether or not I should see my mother and sister in the first place.

I haven't seen either of them in 2 years due to the last blowup and I needed to create distance to protect myself. There is a sadness about the total estrangement, but I don't desire a close relationship w/either of them (sad to say).

I'd like to maybe just stop by the house to pick up a few things, engage in casual chat, maybe even a take-out meal, and then be able to leave. But I feel all of this anxiety build up in me where I feel like I am just waiting for the next time my mother or sister will inevitably explode leaving me shaken.

Is it possible to go over for a casual meal, say, and then at the first inkling of a tantrum, excuse myself and say: "gotta go!"

Would love to hear other people's experiences with this.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone,

So, the time has finally come: in a little over a week, I'll be back home (where I don't go very often) in the same city as my BPD sis and uBPD. My hometown is still a place that I absolutely love -- but it's just changed shape and dynamic over the years. I am staying with a good friend the week that I am in town (good that I am not staying with my parents bc of my mother's completely unpredictable meltdowns/temper tantrums).

But -- I still struggle with whether or not I should see my mother and sister in the first place.

I haven't seen either of them in 2 years due to the last blowup and I needed to create distance to protect myself. There is a sadness about the total estrangement, but I don't desire a close relationship w/either of them (sad to say).

I'd like to maybe just stop by the house to pick up a few things, engage in casual chat, maybe even a take-out meal, and then be able to leave. But I feel all of this anxiety build up in me where I feel like I am just waiting for the next time my mother or sister will inevitably explode leaving me shaken.

Is it possible to go over for a casual meal, say, and then at the first inkling of a tantrum, excuse myself and say: "gotta go!"

Would love to hear other people's experiences with this.

[Fie]

Hello there  
I can relate very much to what  you are asking here, and I think a lot of us can.
Of course you can leave at any time. You are entirely free to do whatever you want. If you feel that your boundaries are not respected in ANY way, you are free to leave - or stay. You can even prepare yourself a sentence for just in case (f.e. 'It was nice to see you but now I am going, because I am really not up for this'. If such a situation would occur, you will probably more easily find the strenght to leave if you are prepared and know what to say.
Of course you also probably realize BPD are unpredictable and you showing up might trigger them. They also might think you are willing to be fully part of their life again. Also there, you have  the choice to be frank and to tell them, maybe even in a message you send them before the visit, that this one visit will be short and you are not really up to establishing a very elaborate contact again.
And of course you can also just decide to avoid the trouble and not visit them at all. It's  not because you will be geographically close, that you have the obligation to suddenly be emotionally  close again, too.
The wonderful thing to be an ADULT child of a BPD, is that you are totally free now, to act towards them in any way you see as good for yourself and your life. I would say, use that freedom.
Good luck, and maybe you would want  to let us know how it went !

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey ainteasybeinggreen:   

Would your mom and sister be more apt to stay composed, if you had someone with you?  Just wondering that if your friend, that you are staying with, might accompany you during a visit, could it act as a buffer.

Are the things you want to pick up at your parent's home essential to you (sentimental, expensive, etc.)?  If you have things at their home that you feel you have to have, then might want to get it out of the way.

The idea of having your own boundary to leave if things get nasty during a visit is a good one.  I think it is hard to predict how things would go.  Have you thought about how you would approach  the situation.  Would you just call the day before a visit or day of a hopeful visit?  I'm thinking there can be a pro and con to making contact too much in advance, as well as too short notice.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'd like to maybe just stop by the house to pick up a few things, engage in casual chat, maybe even a take-out meal, and then be able to leave. But I feel all of this anxiety build up in me where I feel like I am just waiting for the next time my mother or sister will inevitably explode leaving me shaken.

Is it possible to go over for a casual meal, say, and then at the first inkling of a tantrum, excuse myself and say: "gotta go!"

How about visualizing some of this?  Visualize stoping over to grab a few things, 20 mins of chit chat, then leaving.  What obstacles to you see?  What boundaries can you set and stick to?  Maybe you decide to test waters of boundary setting and leaving by limiting the visit to a short period of time and sticking with it even if it is going well? Idk, what would make you feel safe and in control?

For me, dinner could be too much.  It would feel harder for me to excuse myself mid meal and stick to my own boundary as the anxiety of looking rude would compete in my mind.

Maybe a boundary of spending time with them but only at a public location that is not "their turf." Idk, just throwing out some ideas to toss in case it helps you come up with some "safer" or less anxiety producing option.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi everyone,

As usual -- really helpful feedback here, thanks so much. It really helped to "try on" some of these suggestions to see how I would feel and adjust accordingly. I think I am going to likely choose one of two options: 1) a quick stop by to pick up my stuff/chit chat or 2) a meal somewhere public.

I feel comfy with those options and I agree that having a one sentence fall back is also super helpful -- it's always super key to be able to set those boundaries whenever. Thanks again -- I will let y'all know how it went. I will try my best to go into the visit as relaxed as possible (not this week but the week after).

And if anyone else out there is reading -- always down for more feedback/ideas, too.

[Needless2say]

  I love what Fie posted because it is realistic.  My BPD people would take any sign of communication that whatever we had been through whether it was an argument or a 3 year separation as whoo hoo, we won that one and now she's back to destroy again. 

As someone who went through this repeatedly in my life, I say skip it.  See your friends, have a good time and skip the visit with Mom and Sis.  What do you think is going to happen?  Do you think they've changed?  Do you really need the 'stuff' you are going to pick up?  It is going to be worth the pain to start back at ground zero? 

You don't owe anyone but yourself anything.   

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Needless2say, thanks for the honesty and for weighing in here and for helping me to check my sense of comfort/boundaries. I'm definitely not under the illusion that my mother and sister have changed -- I have accepted that things are well, the way they are. I guess to be totally honest -- my mother is getting older and I worry about how I may feel if I didn't see her sporadically every now and then. I'm worried about having any regrets. The more time goes by, I think there is a good point taken about her thinking: "oh we're good now -- I don't have to take any responsibility, etc."

And that couldn't be farther from the case. Ugh. And to make matters worse, my dad (who is the only family member I have a relationship with and heavily enables my mother and sister) already told my mother that I wanted to do one of these things, when I was just floating the idea to him. Now, I feel a sense of obligation (I feel some FOG coming on... .).

An idea that Fie mentioned that may be a good middle ground is to send a brief email saying that I am going to come over to pick up my stuff, say hi, but I am not looking to establish in-depth contact again.

What a mess! Thanks for hearing me out, all.

I haven't seen either one of them in 2 years, which sucks. But my life is as peaceful as can be w/o their crap weighing me down. But, my mother is getting older and I admit that I worry that I may feel some type of regret later on, when she passes (it is so tough to type that out, but it is the truth).

Maybe this last sentence is really the hardcore crux of it all -- and I just don't know what to do. To be 100% honest, my life is better w/o them directly in it because they just have so much terrible negative energy, but I am scared that after my mother passes, I'll heavily regret not staying in at least some sporadic contact (even if totally shallow).

Thanks to you all.

[Naughty Nibbler]

An idea that Fie mentioned that may be a good middle ground is to send a brief email saying that I am going to come over to pick up my stuff, say hi, but I am not looking to establish in-depth contact again.

It is hard to predict the outcome of any particular approach, and everyone has to make the best choice for them. The pwBPD in our lives won't all react in the same manner (one size doesn't fit all). One thing to consider with the above approach is that it might set up an uncomfortable and tense visit for some people.  You could be okay with that.  I hate confrontation, so I'd probably do everything I could to prevent the possibility of a combative encounter and aim for a congenial environment (until after you retrieve your property).  I do understand that in some situations, no matter what you do, it will be unpleasant.

I'd probably avoid mention of future contact in an initial email.   If it is brought up early in a visit, you might want to table a reply (perhaps indicate that you don't want to discuss that now).  You could defer comment regarding you position on future contact, until you are ready to leave from your visit or send a follow-up email. 

I'm sure you will make the choice that you feel most comfortable with.

 

[Needless2say]

 
I know that guilt.    I felt it on my own and I felt it when Mom would say, "You're going to regret this when I die."  But I have to admit, Mom and I had closure before she died.  So I do have no regrets.  My sister took everything Mom owned.  Even clothes I had just bought her still in the bag.  She took years of family pictures that I know Mom wanted me to have (at least some).  She even has my grade school pictures.  I hope she uses them on her target board.  Nothing material will ever be worth having to deal with her again.

I hope things worked well for you whatever your choices were.  Can you update us on the outcome?

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for such thoughtful and genuine responses on my initial post. This community has truly gotten me through some tough moments when it feels like not many people in my life understand.

So, I am currently back in my hometown. I decided to not go out of my way to visit my mother and sister (which I think was the right choice -- thank you to those who gave some clear thoughts on that). I realized that it took (and is still taking) time for me to take care of myself and that I would be caving into some old dynamics.

I've been back in my hometown for a couple days now, staying at a friend's house, and admittedly some depression is starting to kick in. I saw my father for dinner the first day I was in town and I could tell he was anxious. Long story short -- he said that he was always there for me, but that my mother (w/uBPD) was his top priority and that he needed to be mindful to essentially not spend too much time w/me (because that would piss her off). It upset me. I am not surprised and it was something I already knew, but it was still hurtful.

I think I am feeling the depression coming on because I am in the town that I love, I have essentially a totally dysfunction nuclear family -- and my father is the only person I have in my extended/entire family who I even like/have a healthy relationship with. And I feel like when I am in town, we both have to be extremely mindful of not pissing my mother off. I am trying to practice radical acceptance but I must acknowledge that I am also totally resentful about how much power and control she has. My father also said that my mother was "excited to see me" but also "did not want to talk about her last incident (meltdown) whatsoever." To me, that was the final sign that choosing no was the right choice.

What is extra painful is that I am realizing that my friends here during my childhood/adolescence largely reflected mirrored traits that my mother possessed -- in other words, I have also cut off a lot of relationships that reflected similar toxicity/didn't make me feel good. The ones I do possess I feel like I have still scaled back some because we aren't quite in the same place.

I thought I was making some progress (and maybe I still am) about how I handle these home visits. But I am feeling crushed that "home" doesn't really feel like home anymore. I end up staying with a friend, having mediocre visits with the handful of others who I marginally relate to, and am so wanting to somehow revive a different type of connection with an area that has been so formative to me and an area that I want to belong to.

I accept that my family won't be what I want. I accept that the majority of my friendships have changed. But how do I start having more consistent good visits back to the area? How do I lift myself out of this depression for the remaining few days I am here? Thanks to you all for reading.

[Panda39]

It sounds to me like you are growing... .outgrowing some old relationships.  This is a good thing and yes, a hard thing.  You sound like you are visiting home and being in it but also seeing it all as an observer... .seeing the change and dysfunction.  It can be painful when we realize the people we love can not live up to our expectations or no longer fill the rolls they once did.

I have a critical and controlling mother (not BPD) that will never be what I want my mother to be and I will never be the daughter she wants me to be and I have come to accept this.  We are in contact but I have lowered my expectations, and now understand her criticism of me is really about her and not about me at all.  I am able to have a better relationship with her by accepting this is who she is without taking things personally.

It's clear that your dad loves you but is enmeshed with your mom.  I would suggest Radical Acceptance here.  Can you accept the limitations your dad has put on your relationship with him and still love him as you always have?  Can you see this is about him (his issues) and not about you or his love for you?

Going back to our home towns can bring up all kinds of feelings and thoughts about our pasts but in life we  move forward and sometimes moving forward means moving away from some relationships.  People grow and change or are less prominent in our day to day lives than they once were and that sounds like what is going on with some of your friendships.  It doesn't mean those friends mean less to you only that they might not be as close anymore. You can work to re-establish closer ties if you wish or you can let things be as they are.

I think while your visiting that you try to visit places that you enjoy or have good memories... .seek positive experiences, places and people.  Try and be in the "now" (not the past) and just enjoy the moment.

Panda39

[Naughty Nibbler]

ainteasybeinggreen:   

Maybe you can spend some of your remaining time in your home town, revisiting some old sites, maybe going to a movie theater that you used to go to, hiking a trail or visiting a park you remember, etc.

Many things never stay the same.  Sometime, we are thankful for something new and fresh.  In other situations we are disappointed that some things aren't still the way they were.  We change and other people change.

I think it is common to find that many friendships we had from years ago don't hold up as they were.  Most people evolve and grow in some way.  Sometime, our tolerance for certain personalities can change or individual's undesirable traits can seem more dominant and unacceptable.  People can enter a phase in their life where they only have time for a certain number of friends and their level of social interaction changes.

For good or bad, things are always changing. There is comfort in some things not changing.  Change can be stressful. In order to preserve our happiness, we may have to change some friendships, say goodbye to some and then find some new friends.  The same can be said for the places we go and the things we do.

With your family situation, it is understandable that having some solid friends in your childhood town is important.  Could there be one or two that you could focus on? 





 

[keepingcalm]

Hi ainteasybeingreen,  I really feel for you reading this.  And I identify.  I know the regret at feeling like an outsider in one's own childhood home, the sense of unfairness and anger around your mother holding so much power over other family members, and the deep desire to reconnect- if not with family- but with a place that holds so much meaning... .

I have found myself in a very similar position.  I just try to remember that the place where I grew up only feels out of bounds or awkward because that is how unwelcome my family made me when I started to have boundaries, and that I am falling into the trap of emotional reasoning, e.g., I feel unwelcome therefore I must be an unwelcome outsider, or I get triggered by them and then depressed every time I return so somehow that has something to do with the city being unhealthy for me. I have to consciously override my automatic thoughts and feelings with healthier, more logical and compassionate statements like 'I have as much right to be here as they do' and 'they don't own this city' and 'there is so much here that has the potential to renew and energise me, that's what I will focus my attention on this visit.'

I needed to move away to heal.  But your post makes it clearer to me is just how much feeling balanced and healthy also depends on maintaining some connection to formative places.  It is not as simple as just staying away.

Your father's response is almost word for word what my father has said and has triggered depression for me.  But I have come to the realisation that in many ways he is just as responsible for his predicament- he is not a passive victim, and when I reassign responsibility this way, it helps.  When I get depressed it's usually because getting angry at my dad, the last family member I sensed was reasonable or protective would ultimately side with my mother or sister, and instead of being angry with them, something I couldn't bear, I would become angry with myself -> depressed.

For me, the feeling I don't belong/am not welcome may be a defense mechanism against FOG, my conditioned response,protective in so far I am not exposed to as much FOG and toxicity, but ultimately hands over more power to my BPD family members as in this way they are continuing to punish me. 

So... .I have continued to visit, as you are doing now.  Sometimes I see my family, sometimes I just go to my favourite spots and grab a coffee or go for a walk, and I try and focus on everything about the place that I love and miss, while using it as an good opportunity to practice catching negative automatic thoughts, practice re-attributing and re-labeling, and attempting to write my own script around my feelings of connection with the place.

Hope this makes sense!  All the very very best for the rest of the week. xx