Helpful step-parent?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey 

I'm usually on the co-parenting board but there's one thing I wanted to ask you guys who grew up with a BPD parent and a healthy step-parent.
It might sound like a selfish question, but being a stepmother to a kid with a BPD parent and being in the middle of this as someone who married the non-BPD father of a child can sometimes be frustrating as the BPDparent works against you in every single occasion. Sometimes it just feels like whatever you do does not make a difference for the kid. Deep inside I hope that on the long run it does, but there are times I'm so doubtful.

That's why I need to learn from your experience to see from an now adult's point of view what my Dss might say in a few years.

I would like to know: did you have a step-parent on whatever side who did really make a difference in your life in a positive way? What did said step-parent provide you with? What did you see in that person? Another parent? A friend? A teacher? Is there anything you are grateful for?

Any answer would be deeply appreciated 

[catclaw]

Hey 

I'm usually on the co-parenting board but there's one thing I wanted to ask you guys who grew up with a BPD parent and a healthy step-parent.
It might sound like a selfish question, but being a stepmother to a kid with a BPD parent and being in the middle of this as someone who married the non-BPD father of a child can sometimes be frustrating as the BPDparent works against you in every single occasion. Sometimes it just feels like whatever you do does not make a difference for the kid. Deep inside I hope that on the long run it does, but there are times I'm so doubtful.

That's why I need to learn from your experience to see from an now adult's point of view what my Dss might say in a few years.

I would like to know: did you have a step-parent on whatever side who did really make a difference in your life in a positive way? What did said step-parent provide you with? What did you see in that person? Another parent? A friend? A teacher? Is there anything you are grateful for?

Any answer would be deeply appreciated 

[Fie]

Hello Catclaw  
I probably am not the best placed to answer your question, since I never had  a stepparent. My daughter does, though.
I grew up with a BPD mum and a codependant father with narcisist traits. I would have loved to have a healthy stepparent !
The father of my daughter does not have BPD, but he has some serious mental issues. That is why I am happy that he married  and now my daughter has some kind of 'aunt' (I don't like to call her stepmum since I am still alive  and I am her only mum  :-P). I consider every person who loves my daughter an asset for her life, but in this case, the wife of her father can probably also take off some  otherwise maybe sharp edges when my child is staying with him. That reassures me.
In the case of a BPD parent, children need some healthy role model. That is where you can step in. In my opinion it is also very important that the deviant behavior is named as such. This does not have to be  degrading towards the mum at all. When my mum does weird stuff, I tell my daughter that it's not her fault, that grandma has something in her brain that is not wired entirely right, which makes her do things that normally people should not do. I do also tell her that  in the end, grandma always has the choice  to behave  in a more appropriate way. I also teach her to stick up for herself and set boundaries. That may sound odd for a 8 year old, but it's important. Children tend to think that the situation they grow up in, is normal. Love is easily confused with chaos and abuse. If they have a healthy (step)parent who points out that no, it's not normal and no, they are not to blame, an awful lot of damage can be prevented. Admitted, it takes guts to do that, and also of course we don't want to invalidate the person/role of the real parent. One way to do that  might be to make the explicit difference between a 'person' and his 'behaviors'.
Good luck in your wonderful but difficult task  

[HappyChappy]

That's why I need to learn from your experience to see from an now adult's point of view what my Dss might say in a few years.

Hi Catclaw,

I can honestly say knowing what I know now, I would have preferred to take my chances with adoption so long as it wasn't a BPD/drug abusing mother, my guess is it  would have been an vast improvement. And I do appreciate that's not the choice for most.

What matters is having a normal parent, a good parent, blood is less important. Kids are still developing their emotional intelligence right up until their late teens. Hence why they’re so stroppy and narky themselves.  I would expect your daughter will start to become appreciative of good parenting in her adult hood.  Unless you’ve had a BPD parent, it’s extremely hard to convey the torment they put you through. I hope this frank view is of help. Your point about a BPD working against you - that's not you, they work for themselves only and she will be jealous of whomever was in your spot. So don't take it personally.

If you're on this website asking questions, then that suggest you're trying to do you best for you kid - keep up the good work. 

[bravhart1]

Being a under appreciated step parent myself, I would also love it if any adult children of a BPDm could respond. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, SD will always see me as the intruder because BPDm set it up that way from the very beginning. It's hard to overcome a mother hell bent on campaigning against you.

Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Will SD just grow up and be taken over by the dark side in the end after all this effort?

[catclaw]

hey bravheart 

I've been recently talking to a girl i went to primary school with, whom i hadn't seen in 20 years. She grew up living with her sister, her dad and his wife, let's call said wife Stephanie. When I was little, I didn't ever even notice that Stephanie wasn't her biological mom. I'm putting a name on that woman for that one sentence she said to me which really stuck with me: "I wish every child with a BPD parent had a Stephanie in their life. This is your chance to be one". Whenever there were school or neighborhood activities, she was there with home made cake, offering games and activities and so on. Only when I talked to that (now grown up and working as a psychologist) girl I found out. Her mom  has BPD and is high-conflict and was emotionally abusive towards her daughters, especially the older one who was BPDm's therapist until they moved out to live with their father. Said girl was just planning her wedding party and was struggling to decide whether or not to invite her BPDm - because her dad and his wife would definitely be there and it would presumably all end up in drama. I don't know if she finally made a decision, but she told me that no, Stephanie did never substitute her mother, but she was more of a emotional and moral support to her and her older sister than her father (trying to deal with BPDm's drama himself) could ever have been. She still sees her mother but they have a difficult relationship.

I hope I can be a Stephanie to my SS9 and I really hope that one day he will be able to find a way to live a life where it's not "catclaw OR BPDm", but we can co-exist as just people who love and support him. In very different ways and with very different moral views, but anyway.

[bravhart1]

Don't know about you but I didn't know ( none of us knew) about BPD, until after we were seriously involved, and it would have been odd or heartless or whatever to dump my guy because of his ex's mental illness.
 But I had NO earthly idea that it was going to get this ugly, hard, expensive  etc. or I may have not chosen this gig.
Having said that, I was not informed and as I usually do, I dove in head first. I am doing the very best job I can with SD, we have full custody with no visitation from mom for almost a year.
I want very much for all this hard work and stress on my end, and anguish and turmoil on her end to be for a reason.
I want to make a positive difference in her life, make it better, make her feel better, better loved, better cared for than she got before, but I worry, boy do I worry I will be holding the proverbial bag, like a jackass in a few years, if she gets to be a teen and let's mom influence her to walk away and never look back.

In that nightmare scenario I also imagine SD turning out BPD as well. Which I don't think I could do, I couldn't handle her manipulating and threatening like mom used to and go through it all over again. These last two years have taken a toll, on my life, my face, my health, and my savings. I couldn't do it.

[Nope]

Don't know about you but I didn't know ( none of us knew) about BPD, until after we were seriously involved, and it would have been odd or heartless or whatever to dump my guy because of his ex's mental illness.
 But I had NO earthly idea that it was going to get this ugly, hard, expensive  etc. or I may have not chosen this gig.
Having said that, I was not informed and as I usually do, I dove in head first. I am doing the very best job I can with SD, we have full custody with no visitation from mom for almost a year.
I want very much for all this hard work and stress on my end, and anguish and turmoil on her end to be for a reason.
I want to make a positive difference in her life, make it better, make her feel better, better loved, better cared for than she got before, but I worry, boy do I worry I will be holding the proverbial bag, like a jackass in a few years, if she gets to be a teen and let's mom influence her to walk away and never look back.

In that nightmare scenario I also imagine SD turning out BPD as well. Which I don't think I could do, I couldn't handle her manipulating and threatening like mom used to and go through it all over again. These last two years have taken a toll, on my life, my face, my health, and my savings. I couldn't do it.

     

I could have practically written this myself except now we've had the kids for two years and uBPDm gets them maybe 5% of the year. uBPDm still totally comes first with SD13 and SD13 will still lie, sneak, and throw DH and I under the bus because she is still enmeshed and willing to believe anything uBPDm says to her unquestioningly. She wants to follow uBPDm's rules in DH's house while basically enjoying the amenities living with us offers. And when I met my DH he stated, and I quote, "My ex wife's reign of stupidity is almost over". Yeah... .they had only actually had the first barely-useful parenting plan for about a year and only about to go to court for the first round of contempt. So, you know, nowhere remotely close to the court battle finish line. Though I'm also pretty sure if he'd had custody of his two kids when I met him I would have passed on him because at the time I couldn't have seen myself raising two kids full time. They lived with their mom four states away and I had no idea how bad it was.

I come here to this board every once in awhile to see how these poor adult kids suffered and often continue to suffer. I remind myself that I'm doing the right and noble thing. I've also been completely unable to find any actual proof that "some day they'll get it and be grateful". I think it's extraordinarily tough to be a step parent in these situations. Nobody really expects their bio kids to be all that grateful because they don't need to be. Their unconditional love from the time they were babies is enough. Caring full time for an emotionally abused step kid is more like going into a foreclosed and neglected house and fixing it up, paying the mortgage and maintenance every month, and making improvements, all the while knowing that you don't own that house and one day someone who hates your guts (who you probably aren't too fond of either) is likely going to walk into the house and start living there because it's actually theirs and has been theirs the whole time. It's a big thing to ask.

When I come to this board I not only see the intense pain and struggle of so many of these adult children, but I also see how much they still love the parent that hurt them and that they would still give anything to have those that parent in their lives in a healthy way. We can't fix this. Nobody can except the person who broke it in the first place. All we can do is try and grow these kids up and be prepared to send them on their way to work it out. In the meantime if doing things for yourself means SD gets a little less of your time, energy or resources, then so be it.  Go get a facial, start a savings account for something just for you, go to yoga classes or take up Couch to 5K, but whatever you do find ways to be happy. You only get this one life as well.

[Panda39]

I'm not living with my SO (hope to someday) for several reasons but our kids are established in schools were we each live respectively (20 miles apart). 

I have found myself distancing myself from his kids because of the emotional demands that I feel put on me.  There seems to be some black and white thinking if I show attention to one daughter the other one thinks I am rejecting them.  They each compete for my attention or for me to side with them against the other sister or gang up on their dad.  Perpetuating something their mom does... .enmeshment... ."us against them" kind of mentality.  Anyway it makes me really uncomfortable, maybe this is just sibling rivalry but I'm not sure what to do.  (I have an only child).  I try to just be myself but it feels like there is always this underlying pressure or neediness that I'm not comfortable with.  I should also say that I am an introverted person so already need to re-charge when being social so it might just be me.  My general philosophy when it comes to my SO's daughters is to do no harm (maybe why I'm avoiding)... .I'm not perfect but when we interact I do my best.  I have never wanted to be their mom, I have my own child but I would like to be an adult in their life that models good behaviors.

I will echo what others have said I had no idea what I was walking into even when my SO told me.  I had never encountered someone this close up with mental illness, there is a BIG learning curve and a lot of fallout to the people in the BPD person's orbit.  I may not be equipped to handle that fallout... .I may not be able to be "Stephanie".

Panda39

[Grandmotherbear]

My father didn't remarry till I had been away at school for a year, which was about nine months after my mother re-established contact with me and introduced me to my stepfather.
My father was controlling and a bit of a hoarder, I liked my stepmother a great deal because she was fair and what she said went the first day also went the second and third days. Not at all like my father who ight clock you on day 2 for behaaviour he laughed at on Day 1.

My stepfather was an alcoholic, my mother, the BPD  kept sabotaging his recoveries "he's easier to control when he's drinking". He had no need to prove me wrong or shame me and accuse me of being too masculine. He was very equalitarian- if female soldiers had fought in combat he would have no difficulty at all in commanding or working at the same level with him.

I liked both my step parents considerably more than I cared for either parent. Even tho I only lived with my stepmother and father for 3 months I had considerable relief that I didn't have to always be walking on eggshells, trying to figure out today's rules. My father wasn't BPD but he had a lot of difficult personality traits and he I guess just found it easier to live asif the world's rules changed every few minutes, just like my mother acted.
We are at the Christmas card level of interaction now (stepmother) father died in 1990. My stepfather died in 1978 and my other January 2016. She never allowed e to visit his grave. When my son is able to come visit he wants to visit her grave and I will be able to see my stepfather's grave. I saw it very briefly when we went to visit the cemetery to finalize mother's prearrangements,  I don't know if my stepfather ever remembered me telling him I appreciated hi, he was quietly drunk most of the time, I sure hope my stepmother remembers me telling her that.

[Notwendy]

I want to post an encouraging word to all the mother figures in children's lives, either by marriage, by being related and not- friends, teachers, mothers of their friends, all of you. It may not feel like you are making an impact, but you are. Because for children of disordered mothers, just experiencing "normal" means a lot.

I didn't have a step mother, but I had women who stepped in as mothers. Although my father's sisters wished they could have done more, their hands were tied as BPD mom painted them black. They loved my father- their brother, and knew that they had to not say much or intervene. However my mother didn't want to have to care for us, and during times when school was out, my aunts opened their doors and their hearts to us.

Every moment we spent with them felt like heaven. They basically did ordinary things- fix meals, let us play with our cousins peacefully. But what was ordinary to them was extraordinary to us.

I was about 11 or 12 the last time my mother took me shopping for clothes. She got upset with me, then faked passing out in the store and caused a scene with salesladies trying to revive her, then blamed it on my behavior. From then on, if I needed something, my mother would drop me off or I would go with a friend.

Once, my aunt took me shopping. I was a young teen.  She picked out the coolest outfits for me, and helped me pick out a couple of dresses that she  bought for me. I felt on top of the world. I don't know if she thought much of this- she did this with her own daughter, but I have remembered this day since, and even what the dresses looked like.

In high school, my best friend's mom was a mother figure. I loved having meals at her house and she was a great cook. One night when I was sleeping over, I had a stomach ache ( it wasn't her cooking- we had eaten out that night) . She heard me get up in the night to go to the bathroom where I was sick to my stomach. She stayed with me and held a wet washcloth to my face. Nobody had ever done this for me before. I was so touched by this gesture. This was just an ordinary mom response to a kid with a stomach ache, but to me, it was extraordinary.

Mother figures out there- thank you for being there. I don't think you need to do anything different  from what you do as a mom. A mom is just what we need. And even if it doesn't seem like much to you, it is a whole lot.

[highroadstepmom]

I am stepmother to 2 school-age children. I used to work at an elementary school and I reached out to the school counselor about how to navigate some of the BPD things. DH and I do our best - and we do a good job - of affirming uBPD BM and her life to bonus kids. But I worry that the children will become enmeshed, that they play to her POV because, I believe, she demands they agree with her. What the counselor told me, and what other stepparents have told me is: it's the love and consistency that matter and that a child who spends significant time with the non-BPD parent in a stable and loving home will reap the benefits. I think the kids are relieved to be with us at times - because they can be kids and not 'parenting' the uBPD BM, they don't have to 'pick a side' with us, they have rules and they have a lot attention and love. I know there are teen years ahead but I hope with all my heart that being responsible, constant and emotionally stable has a positive impact on the kiddos and overrides some of the crazy.