Filling the void...……just venting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve just arrived at this board because we are now working on the bits of the divorce. It is progressing.

W (STBex wuB/NPD) is now playing victim, with ‘no idea’ as to why we are getting (I am demanding) divorce. Her mother doesn’t understand, ‘no one’ understands. (Normally victim is not her role, perp. is).

Not sure it is my job to explain ‘why’.

To W. I say just it is not working for me, and we are not compatible. (We have had all the blaming explaining justifying arguments/conversations months ago and I’m not for that again).

For more answers I say she needs to start looking deeper into her part in all of this rather than just look at my ‘bad’ behavior.

This concept doesn’t seem to be a winner!

Her querying the divorce also makes me look at our path together…... I am convinced divorce is the right course, but how we got here is worth looking at.

In a simple way I see my W. as an empty shell, an emotional void, that needs filling.

Together over 10 years we have tried (unconsciously) to fill it with many things, ‘big stuff’ mostly at her request... …. a loving r/s and restaurants and holidays to begin with, then commitment, then children, then marriage, a nice home, secure financially (I pay), in those days still a loving attentive hubby (not drunk or womanizing).

But all this stuff just seemed to fall into a bottomless pit and not bring about any kind of positive result, no happiness or feeling of purpose or joy.

In fact depression was one of the early signs of ‘something’.

Then came the criticism and ‘abuse’, I suppose as ‘happiness’ wasn’t happening someone was doing something wrong. My Co-D traits didn't allow me to manage this period very well - better now.

But for all these events W. is unable to put any of the pieces together, and as I am writing, she is sinking further into the very hole we have tried in vain to fill.

(On a more pragmatic note…….if divorce trips her into depressive non coping ways what do I do?)

Thanks for listening

[earlgrey]

I’ve just arrived at this board because we are now working on the bits of the divorce. It is progressing.

W (STBex wuB/NPD) is now playing victim, with ‘no idea’ as to why we are getting (I am demanding) divorce. Her mother doesn’t understand, ‘no one’ understands. (Normally victim is not her role, perp. is).

Not sure it is my job to explain ‘why’.

To W. I say just it is not working for me, and we are not compatible. (We have had all the blaming explaining justifying arguments/conversations months ago and I’m not for that again).

For more answers I say she needs to start looking deeper into her part in all of this rather than just look at my ‘bad’ behavior.

This concept doesn’t seem to be a winner!

Her querying the divorce also makes me look at our path together…... I am convinced divorce is the right course, but how we got here is worth looking at.

In a simple way I see my W. as an empty shell, an emotional void, that needs filling.

Together over 10 years we have tried (unconsciously) to fill it with many things, ‘big stuff’ mostly at her request... …. a loving r/s and restaurants and holidays to begin with, then commitment, then children, then marriage, a nice home, secure financially (I pay), in those days still a loving attentive hubby (not drunk or womanizing).

But all this stuff just seemed to fall into a bottomless pit and not bring about any kind of positive result, no happiness or feeling of purpose or joy.

In fact depression was one of the early signs of ‘something’.

Then came the criticism and ‘abuse’, I suppose as ‘happiness’ wasn’t happening someone was doing something wrong. My Co-D traits didn't allow me to manage this period very well - better now.

But for all these events W. is unable to put any of the pieces together, and as I am writing, she is sinking further into the very hole we have tried in vain to fill.

(On a more pragmatic note…….if divorce trips her into depressive non coping ways what do I do?)

Thanks for listening

[married21years]

 

welcome to the dark side, we have cookies 

this is very familiar.

you have to decide a level of contact, wisdom here is no contact but your call.

just be there for the kids and limit contact move on and show them a successful loving farther!

all you can do 

[earlgrey]

welcome to the dark side, we have cookies 

Your welcome brought tears of happiness to my eyes. Thank you.

I feel not so alone.

[married21years]

we are all in the same boat

grab an oar and start rowing, we can do this together 

[earlgrey]

well I've just had a cuppa and a cookie  , but now back to business.

level of contact... .under present circumstances we could be sharing a large enough house for the next 10 months? (ie her space and my space)

(Her own appartment will not be free until next spring - and there's local schooling etc etc)

I could spend time away to reduce contact.

Suck it and see?

[earlgrey]

OK so I take that as NO  

So what do people do... .there must be a lag (weeks months whatever) between the various stages of a divorce, and finding new home(s) must be part of it?

In our case I own the family home... .so I'm not planning on leaving.

So how can it work, razor blades and guns to one side?

[married21years]

we agreed to a divorce the next thing i did was go to the airport and leave the country! 

Taxi for one!