Parents of Ex Girlfriend - Indifference and Out of Touch?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, long story short, 5.5 year relationship with ex-uBPD-gf/fiance. I had met her parents a number of times, and always got along with them just fine. They are highly educated, although not wealthy, seemed to me, good people.

About 3 years in, after my ex started exhibiting pretty wild behavior, she threatened suicide by slitting her wrists. Shortly after, she began giving me the silent treatment. After so many days, I left her a voicemail I was concerned, and if I didnt hear back, I'd call her parents, out of concern.

And so I did. I left them a voicemail, and emailed them the following day after. I never heard anything back. Then... .of course, life returns to normal in a sense. She didn't slit her wrists of course, and the ST stopped.

After she dumped me about 1 month ago, and I became aware she had in fact been cheating on me with another guy, likely unprotected, for the last 4 months of our relationship - I was of course very upset - she initiated no contact/silent treatment. I never even heard it from her. Once she knew I knew she cheated, I never heard from her again. I had to hear it from "him".

Finally after 12 days, trying to get in touch with her, 1.) For answers, and 2.) Clarification on partners / possible exposure to STDs, I had reason for concern - we never used condoms, I was always monogamous with her, she was on pill, etc;  -- I again, told her I really needed clarification for my own emotional/psychological well being. Wanted to know if she used protection. And honestly, just for the love of god fess up, I didn't even hear from her... .I told her I'd contact her parents in 1 day if she didn't call back.

She didn't, so again, left VM, no response from parents. All I said was I needed to talk with them about an important matter, if they could please return my call.

So I emailed, and within the email, I CC'd her, and I explained what had happened, leaving out gory details but keeping in main points, that I had reason for concern, and I just would appreciate answers considering we were together for 5.5 years and only had 3rd party info telling me she'd been with other people. Scary to me. I also emphasized that I cared for her, truly, and that, as I said before in my email years back, I thought they might want to try talking with her about getting in to talk to someone, a therapist. That I had tried to get her to see one, and that for quite some time, I had been really concerned for her well being.

Her Dad emailed me back, basically saying in the coldest possible way:

This is a final formal notice, contact me again, my wife, my daughter, I will go to the police. Cease all contact. Period.

---

Now, me, if I had a daughter, and her boyfriend of years called / emailed and said they hadn't heard from her in days, that she had threatened to hurt herself... .wouldn't you call back? But that was years ago.

This time again, if I had a daughter, and her boyfriend contacted me, saying she had broken it off, had been having relations with multiple partners, and some other details and that I sincerely wasn't trying to embarrass her, I'd been trying to reach her for nearly 2 weeks, and that I did care, and thought she needed help... .

--

Is that not the strangest, most bizarre response?

I mean, if someone told me that about my daughter. I think I would likely have questions.

Secondly, even if I didnt, I'd likely just say it in a kind way, like: We appreciate you letting us know. We will talk with her. I think right now what would be best for her, is space from everything. Please respect that is what she is asking for by not calling you back.

I mean, he had no questions. About risky behavior, about suicide threats the first time around, about how I told him she threatened to kill me once, I had to call the police. She's been unemployed for a year... .I mean, the girl has problems.

So I'm just curious if there are any opinions. I mean, it clearly shows in my opinion they have issues themselves.

She is like the "perfect" daughter when around them. Even her posture, the way she sits, perfect upright. It's like they judge and criticize everything about her. She often said nothing she did was good enough for them. (They are both PHDs).

I know the answer for me - just run away... .fast.  But how could the father/parents of their only daughter... .not seem the least bit interested at all, or have any questions, and just say stay away or police will be called, when I contact them with REAL concern, about her reckless and risky behavior?

[GoingBack2OC]

So, long story short, 5.5 year relationship with ex-uBPD-gf/fiance. I had met her parents a number of times, and always got along with them just fine. They are highly educated, although not wealthy, seemed to me, good people.

About 3 years in, after my ex started exhibiting pretty wild behavior, she threatened suicide by slitting her wrists. Shortly after, she began giving me the silent treatment. After so many days, I left her a voicemail I was concerned, and if I didnt hear back, I'd call her parents, out of concern.

And so I did. I left them a voicemail, and emailed them the following day after. I never heard anything back. Then... .of course, life returns to normal in a sense. She didn't slit her wrists of course, and the ST stopped.

After she dumped me about 1 month ago, and I became aware she had in fact been cheating on me with another guy, likely unprotected, for the last 4 months of our relationship - I was of course very upset - she initiated no contact/silent treatment. I never even heard it from her. Once she knew I knew she cheated, I never heard from her again. I had to hear it from "him".

Finally after 12 days, trying to get in touch with her, 1.) For answers, and 2.) Clarification on partners / possible exposure to STDs, I had reason for concern - we never used condoms, I was always monogamous with her, she was on pill, etc;  -- I again, told her I really needed clarification for my own emotional/psychological well being. Wanted to know if she used protection. And honestly, just for the love of god fess up, I didn't even hear from her... .I told her I'd contact her parents in 1 day if she didn't call back.

She didn't, so again, left VM, no response from parents. All I said was I needed to talk with them about an important matter, if they could please return my call.

So I emailed, and within the email, I CC'd her, and I explained what had happened, leaving out gory details but keeping in main points, that I had reason for concern, and I just would appreciate answers considering we were together for 5.5 years and only had 3rd party info telling me she'd been with other people. Scary to me. I also emphasized that I cared for her, truly, and that, as I said before in my email years back, I thought they might want to try talking with her about getting in to talk to someone, a therapist. That I had tried to get her to see one, and that for quite some time, I had been really concerned for her well being.

Her Dad emailed me back, basically saying in the coldest possible way:

This is a final formal notice, contact me again, my wife, my daughter, I will go to the police. Cease all contact. Period.

---

Now, me, if I had a daughter, and her boyfriend of years called / emailed and said they hadn't heard from her in days, that she had threatened to hurt herself... .wouldn't you call back? But that was years ago.

This time again, if I had a daughter, and her boyfriend contacted me, saying she had broken it off, had been having relations with multiple partners, and some other details and that I sincerely wasn't trying to embarrass her, I'd been trying to reach her for nearly 2 weeks, and that I did care, and thought she needed help... .

--

Is that not the strangest, most bizarre response?

I mean, if someone told me that about my daughter. I think I would likely have questions.

Secondly, even if I didnt, I'd likely just say it in a kind way, like: We appreciate you letting us know. We will talk with her. I think right now what would be best for her, is space from everything. Please respect that is what she is asking for by not calling you back.

I mean, he had no questions. About risky behavior, about suicide threats the first time around, about how I told him she threatened to kill me once, I had to call the police. She's been unemployed for a year... .I mean, the girl has problems.

So I'm just curious if there are any opinions. I mean, it clearly shows in my opinion they have issues themselves.

She is like the "perfect" daughter when around them. Even her posture, the way she sits, perfect upright. It's like they judge and criticize everything about her. She often said nothing she did was good enough for them. (They are both PHDs).

I know the answer for me - just run away... .fast.  But how could the father/parents of their only daughter... .not seem the least bit interested at all, or have any questions, and just say stay away or police will be called, when I contact them with REAL concern, about her reckless and risky behavior?

[fromheeltoheal]

She is like the "perfect" daughter when around them. Even her posture, the way she sits, perfect upright. It's like they judge and criticize everything about her. She often said nothing she did was good enough for them. (They are both PHDs).

And your email indicated to them that their daughter was far from "perfect".  The disorder forms in someone in the first few years of life, and with her, it was with those parents; the dynamic with our parents is very old, the oldest we have, and complex, and you introduced information into that dynamic.  The father could have been triggered and responded by saying he wanted it all to go away, his way of dealing with it, a guess of course, based solely on what you told us.

Painful situation GoingBack; how is your detachment going?

[once removed]

Is that not the strangest, most bizarre response?

considering the police have been involved, requests for contact to cease have been ignored, and you are involving them in their daughters sexual history, i dont think it is. i think it is a stern warning and i encourage you to heed it.

if you need clarification for your psychological well being, which is understandable, get tested.

[GoingBack2OC]

Is that not the strangest, most bizarre response?

considering the police have been involved, requests for contact to cease have been ignored, and you are involving them in their daughters sexual history, i dont think it is. i think it is a stern warning and i encourage you to heed it.

if you need clarification for your psychological well being, which is understandable, get tested.

Sorry, to point out, I called the police not her... .because one night she went crazy. Literally, and started sending me texts saying she was going to kill me. This was on a night where no fight had taken place, we had a date, and she simply didnt show up, or call (out of ordinary even for her). When she called, she became irate, hung up, then started texting me like crazy. Insane stuff.

I called the police to do a wellfare check, I was actually scared for her, it was bizarre and did not make sense.

She has not- again SHE has NOT asked me to stop. She just disappeared. I even asked her, just say stop... .say it's over, go away. Nothing.

I didnt ignore anything from her. It was only after I emailed him, he said this.

In terms of her parents. I do understand. I guess it comes from upbringing. I've always been very open with my parents, about everything. Even sex. Theres a great deal of trust.

His warning just seemed, well strange. Considering for the months leading to the break, she was telling me she loved me, how we were making real progress. Had told me when I did in fact ask if she had been with anyone, I sort of had a strange feeling, she assured me no, no one but you.

But she was "in another relationship". I felt in many ways raped. I didn't consent to that. Sex with a person who was active with someone else.

I did in fact end up texting her (shes 32, and personally she has never once said stop contacting me, nor has she even blocked my messages), and her dad has no legal stance to say I can't contact her. Shes an adult.

She didnt even break up with me, she simply went silent once she found out I had found out. I believe any "police" action would be predicated on her saying stop contacting me. Which I would.

But regardless, I sent her a final text, saying what I needed to say. And I am now done. I know the chapter is closed. Period. It's over.

I just thought it was strange. I didn't jump to this. I waited 12 days, and even told her I'd reach out to them if I couldnt reach her. I wanted to know if she'd used protection. I was concerned. After 5.5 years, you'd think a person would at least be honest about something like that.

And I didn't just spill it to her parents either. I first called, just to say I needed to speak to her, it was important, period. But they ignored it.

They also ignored 2 years ago when she threatened to kill her self. Slit her wrists. And went silent for days.

I called them in a panic asking if they had heard from her... .thinking maybe she did kill herself. I mean, really.

But I am sure they called her. She said I was lying maybe? But regardless, if I had a daughter, and her boyfriend called me saying she was suicidal-- I think I'd want to talk to him. I'd want to hear what his side is. I'd be concerned.

To each their own. My final take is more in line with fromheeltoheel, she said many times her parents were still in their PHD programs when she was born. She never saw them. It was a shotgun marriage. I have no doubt that neglect, which she admits to, harmed her. She said she was malnurished, and her mom was very stressed and overworked throughout her pregnancy.

I'm sure, damage was done.

Again, just surprised I tell him that from the perspective of someone who has spent 5.5 years with her, 1.5 years living together-- I know her better than he does-- and I tell him, she needs help, and he needs to talk to her.

To say never call again, or police will be involved. It's turning away from the truth. Its sad in a way, for her.

[GoingBack2OC]

Painful situation GoingBack; how is your detachment going?

Yea it is. But honestly, I'm now begining to really see in many ways I did dodge a bullet. It doesnt make all the lies she told, the feeling of betrayal, and being cheated on any better. That hurts... .deeply.

But I realized, just in the last day, she is not the person I want to be the mother of my children. I do not want her family to be my family. I do not want her to be in my family.

So on a deep level, I just recently realized, and its a big thing... .I don't want her. I just have to get past the hurt she caused, and let go of what I though was real.

Thanks for your input fromheeltoheel

[once removed]

i recall the police story. feedback you received at the time suggested it was an overreaction and escalated the situation for all involved.

escalating the situation is the pattern here, and its led you to this point.

does it really need to come to a legal point to cease contact?

i know none of this is easy. id feel sick to my stomach upon finding out shed been with someone else, in a situation i hadnt or wouldnt consent to. enlisting her parents (as you said, she is an adult), going to the police, sending final contacts, these are not the solution, and they are making matters worse for you.

so going forward, what do you think is the solution?

[GoingBack2OC]

so going forward, what do you think is the solution?

I do see your point. And yes, we became a plane out of control spiraling to the ground. There was no saving the ship so to speak.

And of course, police involvement, all of that, no, that is not what I want. That is no relationship.

Its tough, I'm sure so many know, how you're told they love you so much, how they call and beg when you pull back because you know it's just not right. They convince you to come back. And this happened... .while she was with him, the guy she was cheating on me with, she convinced me to come back after I confronted her about being distant... .She assured me, she would be closer, and was sorry, and loved me.

Then I find out this... .So yea, my body, it feels violated. 5.5 Years. I know it's happened to many people. But wow, the betrayal of trust.

It hurts. And the worst, after I found out, she never responded to a single text. Perhaps out of shame? Shame is all I can think of. Or, she realized game is up, I'll just go with the new guy.

I didn't call her parents to embarrass her. I called to see if they could get her to contact me. When that failed, I emailed, leaving out gory details but saying-- hey, you should be concerned if you love her. She needs help.

I mean, what she did, it's wrong... .and honestly, risky health wise. Not just for her, she's putting others at risk.

So plan going forward.

There is no plan with her. It's done.

[once removed]

Then I find out this... .So yea, my body, it feels violated. 5.5 Years. I know it's happened to many people. But wow, the betrayal of trust.

thats extraordinarily tough, and an objectively selfish act. it hurts, of course, but it also makes you wonder who out there you can trust, which is scary. im really sorry to hear that it has happened to you.

i tend to agree with you, once trust is shattered to that extent, that a person should not be given the opportunity to shatter it further. plans going forward need not involve her, but as  fromheeltoheal often says, we can start planning around ourselves, and building a brighter future. any ideas there?

[GoingBack2OC]

it also makes you wonder who out there you can trust, which is scary. im really sorry to hear that it has happened to you.

i tend to agree with you, once trust is shattered to that extent, that a person should not be given the opportunity to shatter it further.

Right now. Work on myself. My new business venture. Get in shape. Time with friends. Just signed a new office space lease. Work on me.

I have never jumped out of one relationship and into another. 3 long term girlfriends. I take a year in between. My heart just doesnt open that quickly, which is right for me. I need to get me to a good place, before I can be good for another person.

Its strange to think how she was with me, and him at the same time, now with him, not a day in between. I mean, it sounds safe... .like, nice to have someone in your life.

I just don't think I could be like that.

She used to always say our love was so strong... .if we ever broke up she'd be so hurt she'd take years before she could ever even think of dating again.

I think she must have been mistaken.

[Herodias]

I will tell you that my ex-husbands Mother told me that she did not know what he was capable of. I should have take that as a warning. The parents know... .they have dealt with more than you know I am sure. They may have disowned her. My exes parents were afraid he was going to break up their marriage... .it affects their health. They love me, but they don't want to hear about him any more. It's a sad situation, but I would take that as a huge signal to you to get away and stay away from all of them. You do not know what you are in for... .you have only had a little taste. Sorry, but it is true.

[fromheeltoheal]

But I realized, just in the last day, she is not the person I want to be the mother of my children. I do not want her family to be my family. I do not want her to be in my family.
So on a deep level, I just recently realized, and its a big thing... .I don't want her.

Well OK, there you go, that's a tangible step towards detachment!

I just have to get past the hurt she caused, and let go of what I thought was real.

And those would be the next steps.  So how are you going to get there?  Your response to  once removed is a great start Right now. Work on myself. My new business venture. Get in shape. Time with friends. Just signed a new office space lease. Work on me.   What does "work on me" look like?

[GoingBack2OC]

What does "work on me" look like?

I wish I could tell you. You know. I'm sure a lot of you feel this. The oscillation... .of emotions. Of feeling so hurt, to at the same time wanting to say you're sorry. I'm not innocent in our relationship. Yes I do believe 80% of our problems would have never been problems had silent treatment not been a part of the equation.

Like even here, with this problem. Theres a big conflict (obviously this is an end game scenario), but still, instead of talking to me, explaining, maybe even, I dont know, saying Sorry for Lying, Cheating, or even just telling me in a text "It's over". Just responding. I would have just stopped.

I mean, I know it's over. But the silence really has been the most destructive part of our dynamic. I cannot count the number of times we have even a small disagreement, and as a result I am "punished" by being ignored for 3 days, 7 days, 10 days, 15 days.

I know I'm making myself sound like a victim, but honestly, those times, where honestly all it would take is a phone call, a conversation-- they took their toll. Being ignored, it's very damaging. Especially when all you want to do is resolve the the problem. I'd lose sleep. I'd fall behind on responsibilities. They were costly times. And I think most times, I ended up apologizing for being upset how she was neglecting the promises we made, and our relationship as a whole.

She promised so many times to stop doing it. I don't think she can. I dont know how many times I've said on a voicemail-- "Can we just not go to bed angry tonight? It's been 8 days, can you just give me a call so we can talk about what's wrong?".

In he end, I started feeling as though I think she sleeps better, like a baby even, knowing I am being driven to such a state of upset, grief, "wanting" her.

If I am sleeping sound, happy, which well, I havent for a long long time, it's really of no interest to her.

In the end, I realize the facts. She doesnt care. Getting past spending 5.5 years with someone, who I did fall in love with, detaching from that feeling, forgetting the dream I had for us, the vision I had of what our future would be like, that's tough.

Accepting that in reality, we are both to blame, or blaming her for certain things, it doesnt really help either.

In the end... .I lost. I mean theres no denying that. I lost time, energy, hope, faith, trust, thats real.

Taking steps forward, right now, one day at a time. Getting to the point where I'm not checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if she called. Not wanting to call, or feel like I am due an appology every 5 minutes.

Those would be good steps.

It's tough. I often wonder to myself. Is it tough for her too? Is she thinking of me... .at all?

[fromheeltoheal]

Being ignored, it's very damaging.

Yes, I did the same thing, go into a tizzy when we weren't communicating, and then end up apologizing when we did reconnect.  Not healthy.  So what is healthy?  Healthy would be sit down, have an open, honest conversation, this is how I feel and this is what I need, and work it out as two people trying to make a relationship work.  And if our partner was unwilling or unable to meet our needs or even address the problem, walk away, right away.  So looking at our part, what is it that kept you hanging on anyway when you were treated like that; digging there is where the growth is.

Taking steps forward, right now, one day at a time. Getting to the point where I'm not checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if she called. Not wanting to call, or feel like I am due an appology every 5 minutes.

Most of us had that obsession, like an addiction, after the relationship ended as well.  What's that about?  Real love feels warm and mellow, that obsession ain't it, and digging there is fruitful too; what is that drive in you and where does it come from?

[GoingBack2OC]

So what is healthy?  Healthy would be sit down, have an open, honest conversation.

I totally agree. Thing is, I had 2 long term and countless short term/dating relationships. I never encountered this. And it really never happened with her until after I was... .In love. Like 1 year in. Then around 2.5 years in, I revealed, openly honestly, how hurtful it was. Wow big mistake. Once she knew, once I told her, babe, I have to let you know, when you ghost me for a week, it really hurts me. It hurts us. It deeply affects me. Once I said that. It was her iron sword. It happened often, a lot more often. She knew now, just how to really inflict pain.

Most of us had that obsession, like an addiction, after the relationship ended as well.  What's that about?  Real love feels warm and mellow, that obsession ain't it, and digging there is fruitful too; what is that drive in you and where does it come from?

Totally agree with you here as well. Love is awesome. I realized in this last relationship, just how great my previous relationship was. Because my previous girlfriend, was like a best friend and lover in one. We had a great time, never argued, and if we fought, which was rare, we worked it out. I dont think she ever ignored me, or dodged calls, and I dont remember ever doing that either.

When my BPD ex and I started dating, I was likely, having never been in a totally dysfunctional relationship before, was trusting way too quick. Things like giving her keys to my place (I live in a high rise with fob access doors), to make it easy. I dunno, I just had never been really screwed over before. She was probably surprised.

I know even though I did things I'm not proud of, most of the time I did things because I was being driven to do them. That is of course no excuse. I am responsible for my own actions. But again, I had had no training with insanity.

I suppose in many ways I was a perfect victim for her.

Its like a twisting knife, the lies. After I found out she had cheated, I did what most guys do, I social media searched for a few days. I mean, I never did that. I never was possessive. Or the jealous type. Well what I found... .I mean she really had an alternate life. All lies. All lies. The vacation she took wasnt with her parents, she went with a bunch of friends. LOTs of stuff like this. I mean, she was literally just feeding me a false reality of her life, while creating a new life with someone else. That to me is just insane.

Probably the worst part- definitely the worst part, is after I found out. After 5.5 years, I find out she's cheating, she just ghosts me. Nothing.

It's the weirdest thing. Had I not found out, I'd probably still be in it.

I actually talked to the guy... .hes the one who told me. He had no clue we were still together. No clue. I was like, dude... .I slept with her, very recently. That's when I freaked, like about STDs. He was shocked too.

But he has 4 months invested. Nothing. She I would have no problem believing has convinced him I was insane, making it all up to get back at her. I wouldnt be surprised. And hes definitely in for a rough one. A.) Shes way out of his league. Looks and Career. I'm not inflating myself, but she accepted a major downgrade. In the long haul, she will crush him. B.) Being he's probably so elated to get attention from a girl like her, he will believe anything.

Its tough to process. I'm in a lonely place. 5.5 years is a long time. She eroded a lot of my friendships, she eroded me, where I started to withdraw. So I have less friends to be with right now. I'm trying to rebuild bridges, but people have lives. And people dont want to be around a miserable person.

I mean, I've been heartbroken before. But not heartbroken where you just feel really jipped, in a malicious way. I feel, to be honest, she had been planning this for months and months, or longer.

I mean why else would she be BEGGING to stay together, saying how much she loved me, and 3 weeks later I found out shes months in with a new guy.

It was a hoax. A setup. It was planned.

Thank you so much for your input and questions. It means a lot fromheeltoheal

[GoingBack2OC]

Most of us had that obsession, like an addiction, after the relationship ended as well.  What's that about?  Real love feels warm and mellow, that obsession ain't it, and digging there is fruitful too; what is that drive in you and where does it come from?

In terms of how to heal, well honestly, I've always been really responsible dating wise. Im going out tonight in an hour. I know this sounds irresponsible. But I'm gonna party, meet girls, let things happen, things I was too conservative to do in the past. Nothing extreme. But really, I do want love, so realistically it might be my last chance to live that crazy chase the young girls game. Before I'm too old to do so.

Who knows, I may actually meet somebody great. If not, I'll at least take my mind off her. And hopefully have some fun.

I'll be safe. I always have been. But yea, I need to distract myself. So thats the plan. Staying downtown tonight... .we shall see what the night brings.

[Fr4nz]

It's tough. I often wonder to myself. Is it tough for her too? Is she thinking of me... .at all?

Hey Going,

I feel very sorry to you, being subjected to the silent treatment is very though. I know.

In general terms, what we can say is that the silent treatment is part of the behaviours exhibited by BPD sufferers; this stems from their emotional deficiency, I.e., their inability to regulate emotions.

When you face them with the (sometimes ugly) mistakes they made with you, they react with deep shame, which in turn induces psychological mechanisms - such as painting black and reality distortion. It is inevitable, at some point, to end up like this with them.

It is very apparent that you are a person that tries to resolve disputes in the most possible civil way, in the end.
Yet, challenges that BPD sufferers face to regulate their emotions are so though that, for them, it becomes impossible to "hold it" together.

There's nothing else you could do, sadly. A big hug

[Icanteven]

So many thoughts reading this thread, in no particular order:

1) There seems to be some serious cognitive dissonance with regards to your inquiries re: STIs.  Did you get tested yet (Did I not read closely enough?)?  In the end, it doesn't matter what she or her parents or anyone else says; what matters is what the HPV/HSV2/HIV/G/C/S tests say.  There's something else at work behind your inquiries, and if her family cut you off they're almost certainly thinking, What the heck does it matter whether or not we respond; it's up to him to get tested;

2)  One of THE major, uniting threads of this site is the disconnect between what our pwBPD partners SAY and what they actually DO.  Would you like to see the love note my wife wrote me the week she ghosted our family?  Or the texts and emails and gChats she's sent since she left?  Or hear the VMs? "I love you forever," "I miss you unbearably," "I don't know whether or not I can live without you," and on and on and on, yet the suggestion she actually come home and resume her responsibilities to her husband and children are met with stonewalling and silent treatment.  It's easy to say "I love you forever," much harder to live under the same roof with a husband who expects you to show him you love him and even more importantly show your children.  Almost everyone who's ever posted on this site shares your story albeit with their own wrinkles;   

3) FOO issues are another uniting thread of bpdfamily, and trust me, it could be a LOT worse: we were a fully-integrated big happy modern family, yet being in denial, they assumed it was my fault she had lost her job, needed full time therapy, had half a dozen mental illnesses, etc.  These are grandparents and they didn't reach out to their own grandchildren!  And, when they did, it was only after her psychiatrists (yes, plural) and therapists (EMDR, PD specialists, ED specialists, CBT specialists, DBT specialists; no, I'm not kidding it was and is a small army) made it crystal clear that I had exactly zero to do with their daughter's afflictions.  And it's not rainbows and unicorns even now, as there's still massive lingering resentment towards me from many of her family members; what if all those mental health practitioners are all wrong and the diagnosis she received nearly a decade before even meeting me is REALLY ALL MY FAULT AFTER ALL?

You don't want her to be part of your family, to be the mother of your children, or be involved in her bullsh*t any more; these are all BIG important realizations, and good on you.  I guess some of the hardest aspects of the disease is realizing just how common our tales are, and how daunting the challenge of creating normalcy is in these relationships.  The good news is it sounds like you're ready for some normalcy

[steelwork]

Hey GB2OC:

Maybe, in the course of going through the really great responses you got, you've come to reassess your original question about whether her parents' reaction was weird. I don't think it was. I think for a lot of parents, it would not be "leaving out the gory details" to write to them about their daughter's sexual habits. As to whether they're concerned about her-- probably they are. They're probably scared and heartbroken for her, doing what they think is best.

I sense a certain amount of disingenuousness in the claim that you only contacted them out of concern for her. I think it might have been a way to keep the r/s with her "active"--i.e. I think maybe it was a kind of extinction burst, a reaction to being shut out by her?

Totally normal. It just helps to see it for what it is so you can move forward.

I know, because I've been there. I remember, in the weeks and months after my ex ghosted me, as I started to get real about how disordered he was, having all this real, genuine sadness for him and his son. Wanting to reach out to help him. Feeling that it was an altruistic impulse unrelated to my more selfish impulses. But you really can't tease those things out, or I couldn't.

Best of luck to you, GB2OC. I think you're in a growth period in your detachment. Things are changing. Practice patience and self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness while the inevitable emotions flow.

[LostInMemories]

After she dumped me about 1 month ago, and I became aware she had in fact been cheating on me with another guy, likely unprotected, for the last 4 months of our relationship - I was of course very upset - she initiated no contact/silent treatment. I never even heard it from her. Once she knew I knew she cheated, I never heard from her again. I had to hear it from "him".

Finally after 12 days, trying to get in touch with her, 1.) For answers, and 2.) Clarification on partners / possible exposure to STDs, I had reason for concern - we never used condoms, I was always monogamous with her, she was on pill, etc;  -- I again, told her I really needed clarification for my own emotional/psychological well being. Wanted to know if she used protection. And honestly, just for the love of god fess up, I didn't even hear from her... .I told her I'd contact her parents in 1 day if she didn't call back.

Her Dad emailed me back, basically saying in the coldest possible way:

This is a final formal notice, contact me again, my wife, my daughter, I will go to the police. Cease all contact. Period.

---

Mate, I have exactly had this! Found out my ex cheated on me for the last month or more of our relationship, reached out to her saying that we needed to talk about something important and that this wasn't something to try and get her back. Obviously I immediately became scared of having any STD's (got meself tested and luckily came out clean) but her dad responded in the exact same way... .This was my last chance before they'd contact the police.

It seems like pwBPD are so good at manipulating they just wrap everybody in their environment around their finger and just make you look like the crazy person.

I'm trying to rebuild bridges, but people have lives. And people dont want to be around a miserable person.

I can so relate to this aswell... .But trust me, REAL friends they stay with you no matter what, the will not judge you for feeling miserable. Stay strong bro.

[GoingBack2OC]

I sense a certain amount of disingenuousness in the claim that you only contacted them out of concern for her. I think it might have been a way to keep the r/s with her "active"--i.e. I think maybe it was a kind of extinction burst, a reaction to being shut out by her?

Best of luck to you, GB2OC. I think you're in a growth period in your detachment. Things are changing. Practice patience and self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness while the inevitable emotions flow.

First, thank you to everyone who has weighed in and offered support- as well as candid and honest criticism of what I perhaps could have handled better.

Now that I've had at least a bit of time to process the past 3-4 weeks, including how I was dumped, the ghosting, and contacting her parents-- I basically have come to this conclusion.

Obviously the facts are:  She told me out of the blue she slept with a guy, just a random guy, drunk moment. No regrets. I come to find out she actually had been dating him for 4 months. I freak out. STDs, yes, a concern. Absolute betrayal, honestly, even worse in a way. The way that kind of pain- 5 years of loving someone, and to be betrayed and ghosted in such a freakishly horrible way-- it ended up manifesting itself into a physical form. A sickness. Literally, a feeling of nausea, a weight on my chest, tension. Amazing. I've never felt such a feeling.

That said, I've honestly never had anything even remotely this painful happen to me. 5 Years. Cheating for Months. After I find out... .(she told me she hooked up), but I found out 2 days later it had been going on for months... .I never heard from her again.

Not a word.

That, to me, well-- I've never experienced it. And in 37 years, I can't say I've ever even witnessed anything like that. I mean, I've had break ups. They are never pretty. But nothing even close to this. I've seen friends go through break ups and even divorces, but never anything as "strange" in just the coldest way. It's surreal.

I guess, (I have never cheated on a girl, never would), but I suppose had she came to me, told me, apologized if she meant it, it would have hurt just as much. But the lingering resentment left by her showing no remorse. Never returning a call after I found out. Never a word. Never a "I'm sorry I literally ripped your heart out and basically laughed after doing so". I mean, that's kind of how it feels- the never hearing a word from her. It feels vindictive.

But that's besides the point I suppose. I'll never know why. I mean, why doesnt even matter. I know why. Why?

She's a screwed up person. No healthy person with any moral compass would do such a thing. Period.

So in reality, her words, now, at this point, don't really matter. Sure! She could have 1.) Been honest. But she was a bigtime liar. Always. Big lies. For years, so that's my mistake... .big mistake for ignoring those red flags.   2.)  Ok she cheated. She could have been honest about it. But again... .back to Number 1.    3.) She could have talked to me about it afterwards, I mean, ghosting is a pretty low thing to do even to someone you only dated briefly. But 5 years? It's, well, insane. But talking to me, I am sure, she views as I would ask questions, which means she would have to lie. And I think the lying exhausts her.

So words, at this point, and knowing who she is, they really dont matter, and I've at least come to realize that.

In terms of contacting her parents... .

Well. This was the 2nd time I contacted her parents. The first time was 2 years ago when she was threatening to slit her wrists, then went AWOL and ghosted me for days. I panicked, called her boss, called her parents, just to find out if she was alive. 

Her parents never once called me back, nor emailed me back. Which back then, I thought was so strange. I personally, if I had a child, and someone close to them told me they were suicidal, there is no doubt I would indeed reach out, to find out as much as possible... .to help my child. I would not ignore a call like that.

As to the call this time... .You used the word disingenuous.  I understand how it could be seen that way. I will say, yes I was obviously trying to contact her. But I didn't contact her parents straight up. It was, I think- day 8. I gave her 1 full day notice. Meaning, I told her, I really needed answers (and I know, my mind was not in a clear place-- what do her words really mean when she does nothing but lie... .I wouldnt believe her regardless of what she said - I just didn't connect that at the time, I was distressed, incredibly so).

So I gave her a day notice. And simply called and left a voicemail. No information- just that it was important they call, I needed to speak to them- it was urgent. However they didnt call. So I said I'd email them a day later. So, I was trying to reach her, but not hurt her by contacting her parents.  I mean, I gave her 2 notices, 2 days apart, before saying anything at all to them. This was after 5 years, 3-4 months of cheating, me finding out not from her... .and after she knew I found out- nothing. She vanished. Waited 8 days.

I expected a response, something.

In closing, I did go and get tested. I am waiting on the lab results. Fun stuff. I waver back and forth now from being so hurt and feeling betrayed, to honestly feeling guilty, what did I do wrong. I know I wasnt perfect. I know I made mistakes.

But in the end, I would never do anything like this. It doesnt seem human.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. I still am hurting, I know I will for some time.

I got rid of every item of "ours". Gifts, notes, cards, letters, a painting she made, everything. I'm now debating keeping the remaining photos I have of us and her. We shared 5 years, traveled the world. We were beautiful together. I just don't know how I will ever be able to look at them again and not feel shame.

It is as if all those beautiful images of us, of me and of her-- serve only as proof I had a love affair with evil incarnate. Even as I write this-- I can see those images I once loved, their imprints on my mind. How haunting they have become. It's her eyes... .how once they felt as if they were windows to such a becoming, lovely soul, now stare back at me. They are black, they are dark, that soul, gone. Eyes now filled only with darkness, I beg let me forget.

[steelwork]

Hey GB2OC,

When I said 'disingenuous' I was referring to your OP, and your claim that you were only contacting them out  of concern for her, and that you couldn't understand why her father didn't want to talk to you.

I'm not sure I understand everything, but it sounds like you're saying you really wanted to talk to her because of your fear of having gotten an STD. And that you "warned" her that you would contact her parents if you didn't hear from her, and then you left them a voicemail, "warning" them that you needed to talk, but not why (incidentally, why not?), and then you emailed them, "warning" them that their daughter had been sleeping around. Out of concern for her.

I don't know--I can't get in your head, so maybe that all really was out of concern for her, but it strikes me as an attempt to keep the lines open with her. And I guess I would encourage you to be honest about why you want that.

It's not so strange to me that her parents don't want to engage with their daughter's ex, who is writing to them about her sex life. That to me doesn't exclude the possibility that they're concerned about her.

I’m glad to hear you went and got tested. That would have been necessary in any case—whether she’d returned your call or not, whether her parents had responded in a friendly way your email or not.

In any case, all this "warning" seems odd to me. Like, a little blackmailish, you know?

So, look, you are angry and really really hurt--by her, and secondarily, by her parents--which is totally understandable. And maybe that's where you need to be right now. I get it--believe me. I was ghosted, too, and it left me reeling.

As I see it, my ex was paralyzed with shame. I mean, there may have been other factors. You’re positing some degree of will on your ex’s part—that she wanted to hurt you. I can’t say. I can’t even say that my ex didn’t want to hurt me, but mostly I think his basic inability to confront reality as he was taking up with this new person caused him to stuff, stuff, stuff all his shame when it came to me and how he was treating me. There were some compensations that at first made contact with me possible, like rage and projection and blame-shifting and dissociation, but ultimately, the only way he could deal with that degree of shame was to pretend it (and I) didn't exist.

I don't know if it would help you at all to think of your situation in those terms.

The main goal is not understanding her. It's taking care of yourself.

[steelwork]

And, look, I hope I didn't underemphasize my sympathy for what you're going through. There are plenty of differences in our situations, but I want you to know that I understand the visceral, almost hallucinatory pain of this kind of betrayal and abandonment. I really do.

[GoingBack2OC]

Hey GB2OC,

When I said 'disingenuous' I was referring to your OP, and your claim that you were only contacting them out  of concern for her, and that you couldn't understand why her father didn't want to talk to you.

Well, now Blackmail. Come on steelwork. Lets be fair.

Here are the facts. Facts. You tell me if I was out of line.

We dated for 5.5 Years.

I am told on a Monday, she got drunk, and had sex with a guy. Twice in one night. Saturday, 2 days ago. My reaction? Disbelief. I really do nothing, reach out to only my brother and a close friend.

Days later, we meet. She rubs details in my face. About the sex.

I learn, days later, they started dating in April. He's as surprised as I am. We didnt use protection. She's on BC. My mind is racing.

Did she use protection with him? Were there other guys?

Wait... .She had a UTI in May. Which was odd- very odd. In 5.5 years, I don't remember her getting one. She made a huge deal out of it.

Wait... .In may... .she got a cold sore... .she never had one of those before. Strange. She had a high fever. Common with a first herpes outbreak (cold sore). I do not have any STDs. She made a big deal out of it, can't kiss me.

I said it was possible she got it from a water bottle, she's a runner - I didnt know what to think. I mean, really, I didnt know what to think.

So cold sore, UTI, cheating for 4 months, we don't use protection.

I am then- processing all this in my head. And she? She is now silent. Once I found out, - once she knew I knew... .She never spoke to me again.

Did I want to honestly ask her,-- how the hell could you do this to me?  Yes... .of course. I was hurting.

But I also was confused. I wanted answers. Did she get tested? Was it in fact a cold sore? Were the others?

Realizing now, weeks out, she would have just lied more. When I was "in it",  as in terribly upset, processing this news, afraid, thinking of what she had in May, getting zero response from her at all, I said to her, please call, or I am going to reach out to you Dad.

I do care for her. As angry as I am. I do actually care for her. I feel bad for her. I tried for 2 years to get her to see a p-doc.  I told her parents when she made suicide threats, she needs to talk to someone. I offered to help her find one. I offered to go with.

I told her dad that. She needs to talk to someone. It's serious. This isnt healthy behaviour of a 31 year old woman.

I explained I was concerned for my health. I asked him if he could please have him call me.

Honestly, it wasnt "deliberate" in terms of "I am going to do this unless you call".  Understand, I was a mess. Crying all day. Couldnt sleep. Thought I might have an STD. I felt alone.

And she, couldnt even call me, and say, yea- I cheated. I mean, I heard from someone else.

In the end, I'd say:  Calling her dad wasnt wrong, it was a fruitless, pointless endeavor. It made no sense. I shouldnt have.

Do I feel guilty?  No.

Would I do it again, if I could go back. No. It was pointless.

Did I do it to get answers?  Yes I wanted answers. Anyone would.

Did I do it to get her to call me first - giving her 2 days heads up, to simply talk to me, after 5 years, to be an adult and communicate with me? Yes I gave her every opportunity. I even told her- just text me, here are my questions.

But I don't know that I'd call it blackmail. I'd argue I was the one who was horribly wronged. I was the one that was betrayed in the worst way. Lied to. Cheated on. Put at risk for life changing diseases. And Ghosted.

You could say it was blackmail, or you could say it makes sense after everything, a half decade, and all that happened in the end, an explanation was not asking too much. I was willing to settle for a text response.

But again, head cleared, the fact every word she says is typically the opposite from the truth- it doesnt matter. I needed to get tested. I did.

If I test positive. I have already talked with two personal injury lawyers in terms of what to do next.

Honestly, I know this sounds crazy. But I feel raped. Really. I feel violated. My body, it feels violated. We were intimate. I did not consent to having unprotected sex with a person who was having sex with other people at the same time.

I asked her, the last time- have you been with anyone? I was actually questioning... .the way she was acting. She gave me a firm no- I have not been with anyone.

I was having sex under coercion, under the pre-tense of false information. I did not consent to that sex. Remove consent. You have... .

Nothing here is meant to be offensive. Just being straight to the point. Please take no offense.

[GoingBack2OC]

And, look, I hope I didn't underemphasize my sympathy for what you're going through. There are plenty of differences in our situations, but I want you to know that I understand the visceral, almost hallucinatory pain of this kind of betrayal and abandonment. I really do.

I appreciate that. I do, this second post. And I hope you take no offense by my post.

Honestly, the more I learn about this, BPD, the more I become aware. The more I honestly think to myself. It's not BPD, she's just a bad person.

I mean no offense to this, nor do I mean invalidate anyone who feels differently about their situation.

I just think, our society loves to label, loves to use labels as cop outs, excuses. Is she BPD? I mean, she fits the bill. Is she a narcissist? Yea, she fits the bill. But she's never been diagnosed.

Is she a bad person? I think she is. Did she hurt me in the worst way? Yes.

That... .I do know.

[Jacidrinkswine]

I had a similar reaction from my ex BPD parrents . They thought I was crazy and out of line we I took her to the psych emergency room at Weil Cornell on NYC . The don't view her as having a metal disorder - but blame me for breaking up with her. SHe clames that they feel guilty for not realizing she was molested by family members as a 13 old.  Truth is I don't even know if she was molested either because she is a pathological liar. Bottom line is her parrents won't acknowledge how sick she is. It is sad because they have a tight nit family and I hope someone can help her . But I did my best and I now know it is not my responsibility .

[steelwork]

"I said to her, please call, or I am going to reach out to you Dad."

You don't have to call it blackmail. (I said "blackmailish." But it certainly seems to be in the neighborhood of personal coercion

That doesn't mean you weren't terribly wronged by her first. Both can be true--just as she could have a personality disorder or traits AND be a terrible person.

That's my take on the situation you described is all.

[steelwork]

I just think, our society loves to label, loves to use labels as cop outs, excuses. Is she BPD? I mean, she fits the bill. Is she a narcissist? Yea, she fits the bill. But she's never been diagnosed.

Is she a bad person? I think she is. Did she hurt me in the worst way? Yes.

That... .I do know.

Maybe that's all that matters. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Truly.

[fromheeltoheal]

Honestly, the more I learn about this, BPD, the more I become aware. The more I honestly think to myself. It's not BPD, she's just a bad person.

I just think, our society loves to label, loves to use labels as cop outs, excuses. Is she BPD? I mean, she fits the bill. Is she a narcissist? Yea, she fits the bill. But she's never been diagnosed.

Is she a bad person? I think she is. Did she hurt me in the worst way? Yes.

That... .I do know.

I agree, society does love to label, it decreases uncertainty by defining something and putting it in its own box.  Learning about the disorder can eliminate confusion though; when we learn why someone does what they do it can take the confusion away immediately, doesn't make the behaviors OK or acceptable, doesn't excuse someone from responsibility for those behaviors, doesn't remove the hurt imposed by those behaviors, but at least we're no longer confused.

And discovering the list of traits we've experienced is really a thing that is recognized does a couple of things, it confirms we're really not crazy, one, and two, we're not alone.  I agree with steelwork, clinical diagnoses and labels aside, it's how the behaviors affected us that matters.  Potentially bringing home diseases you didn't know about it not cool GB2, and that's part of the bigger picture of the relationship and your detachment from it; how is that sitting in your head and heart today?

[GoingBack2OC]

I agree, society does love to label, it decreases uncertainty by defining something and putting it in its own box.  Learning about the disorder can eliminate confusion though; when we learn why someone does what they do it can take the confusion away immediately, doesn't make the behaviors OK or acceptable, doesn't excuse someone from responsibility for those behaviors, doesn't remove the hurt imposed by those behaviors, but at least we're no longer confused.

And discovering the list of traits we've experienced is really a thing that is recognized does a couple of things, it confirms we're really not crazy, one, and two, we're not alone.  I agree with steelwork, clinical diagnoses and labels aside, it's how the behaviors affected us that matters.  Potentially bringing home diseases you didn't know about it not cool GB2, and that's part of the bigger picture of the relationship and your detachment from it; how is that sitting in your head and heart today?

I agree with steelwork, in the sense it seems "blackmailish", and I think it does fit the definition as well. And I don't excuse it. All I can say is that in that moment, I was in a sense, at a loss of what to do. I was embarrassed, I felt ashamed, I felt- and I mean this truthfully- that the person I loved and still do care about to this day, has serious problems. In that moment, I didn't view it as punitive to her- or "if you don't call me I will do this to "embarrass you". And that's what blackmail - in terms of definition is. It's threatening to do something, such as revealing information which would embarrass someone, unless conditions are met.

But the way I viewed my action, or perhaps better said; the reason why I said that and did that, was: Look, you cheated on me. I am distraught. I don't know who else to turn to for answers. Her parents already knew about the UTI. Her mom is a doctor. I honestly felt, that they would be concerned. I actually expected them- I know it's naive, that they would respond along the lines of "Ok, we understand, you certainly have the right to be concerned. We will talk to her."

Again, like I said, if I could go back, I wouldnt have bothered. Because her parents's response was literally "bud out or we're calling the police". Which I viewed as "Our daughter can do as she pleases. The fact you were engaged to her, in a 5 year relationship- that means nothing... .She can sleep with whoever she wants to, and you are the one who was dumb enough to not use a condom with our daughter".

I guess it goes to upbringing. I've always had a very open and honest relationship with my parents. We talked about sex. It wasn't something I hid from them when I was 18 and had my first girlfriend. They never, at least in my mind, would have responded like this- if the tables were turned.

Enough about that though.

In regards to bringing home the disease. It's hard to process. I think in many ways perhaps I was the perfect victim for her. I had gotten out of a relationship, and had not been dating for about 8 months when we met. I was healthy, state of mind wise, but starting to date again, still a little heartbroken from my last relationship, which was healthy, and certainly didnt end like this.

But I wanted to be in love again, doesnt everyone. And so I was dating. And like so many of you here- I was "so lucky" to have met her. She seemed perfect. For a good 1-1.5 years.

Then the madness started creeping in. Personally, I had never been in a dysfunctional relationship. I was totally illprepared, not equiped to handle it, understand it. It didn't make sense.

Which is why I in many ways want to stop boxing her into the "Label". I want to treat it as every other relationship I've had, romantic or non, that just didnt work out. To view it as, she just wasnt the one.

Did I learn a lot from it? Yes. I certainly know a whole lot more about what to watch out for. I certainly have learned I need to protect myself better, stick to enforcing boundaries. I know I will never in my life allow what happened, the name calling, silent treatment, all the things she did, the lies, -- that, will never be tolerated again. Any signs of those "dealbreakers" and they would be addressed head on. Not distorted, mirrored back, and then swept under the rug.

I guess in the end, I'm just tired. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of it being a part of my life. I am ready to forget. It's why I want to throw the remaining pictures away. I just want to let it go, forget her. Be the bright, loving, optimisitc, outgoing, confident person I was.

I've commited to this. I have changed my number. I changed my iMsg email. I have started switching over all my accounts to a new master email. I am creating a new facebook profile, new linked in page, I'm doing all this- because I know this:  She will come back. I know it.

I know it's only a matter of time. Maybe weeks, months, longer. I don't want to be found. I'm also moving (which was in the cards a while ago), so I just want to not be accessable to her in any way shape or form.

During the time we dated, she always in some way shape or form, kept in contact with her exes. I always thought that was strange. I don't plan on being a part of that group of guys.

Someone else posted here in another thread the BPDs dont break up, heal, and find a new relationship. They simlply fade, from one to the next. It's how we met, and fell in love. She was, I believe, still "in" a relationship of sorts- the final breakdown phase... .and when she solidified her relationship with me, she likely ghosted the last guy. Now she's found a new perfect victim. And she cheated for months on me, until it was a sure thing, and when it was, poof. She was gone.

I dont think she's ever been single. And honestly, thats fine. To each their own. Me personally, I'll take some time to heal, and date when I'm ready. I know when that day comes, I'll meet someone great, and be able to take this experience as nothing more than a lesson. On what I want in a relationship, and what I wont tolerate or be ok with.

But mostly, I just want to forget.

Thanks guys, everyone, Fromheeltoheal, steelwork, Jacidrinkswine, and Thijmen156, I appreciate all of your support and advice. I hope you guys and gals are all doing ok too, healing, and perhaps can get something out of my experience, to help you heal as well.