Ex moving in with new girlfriend

[kc sunshine]

Wow, my ex came over today and told me the news: she's moving in with her new girlfriend. Wow, they've only been together 6 weeks. Crazy. I'm reeling a bit.

[jhkbuzz]

   

I'm sorry, I experienced something similar and it's rough. It really does point to the fact that a disorder is at play - ponder that when you're tempted to focus on any self-defeating thoughts.

[kc sunshine]

And she said that seeing me made her realize that we can't be friends. Wow, so so harsh.

[UnforgivenII]

Take a seat and a glass of wine. The show is just starting.

[kc sunshine]

I was good in the conversation-- loving and supportive, etc. I'm dying now though .

[woundedPhoenix]

Guess how long it took before my pwBPDex moved in with me   

At the time i didn't feel that the r/s had to go so fast, yet i thought, damn, she must really love me soo much that she moves so fast, better keep this one close.

[kc sunshine]

And then how long did it take to unravel? Before you started seeing the signs?

[StayStrongNow]

I feel the same way about the speed stbxBPDw found a replacement to move in. We aren't even divorced yet and they are trying to get me to waive cohabitation as grounds to terminate maintenance (alimony). I really do not know how long she has known him. Max is probably 5 months.  I really don't know if she cheated during the last 12 years of my r/s with her.

Just seems by my experience and reading posts that pwBPD have an inhuman characteristic trait to be so adapt at splitting, projection, discarding and finding replacements and showing no remorse or guilt on how they treat their one time love of their life that was going to be forever and be seemingly so cold hearted about it.

This is so tough for a decent human being to take.

[kc sunshine]

One crazy thing about it is that her daughter has been away a lot, so has only had about 3 or 4 weeks to get to know the new girlfriend. And now she is moving in to their house... .whoa.

[patientandclear]

Why did she need to tell you this? Also, what light does this shed on your inquiry about NC vs LC?

[kc sunshine]

I'm not sure why she needed to tell me this. What do you all think?

Yeah, it totally sheds light on it: NC, starting now.

Why did she need to tell you this? Also, what light does this shed on your inquiry about NC vs LC?

[BorisAcusio]

And she said that seeing me made her realize that we can't be friends. Wow, so so harsh.

I'm sorry for having to deal with this. You both spent almost two years in the state of limerance. No matter how painful it might be, a decision has to be made at some point suffering through the required abandonment depression.

When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.

Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.

Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.

Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible.  As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life."  Hope this helps. Empathy

[kc sunshine]

Yes, this makes sense. I think that was what I was doing checking facebook, etc. Limerence is a beast!

And she said that seeing me made her realize that we can't be friends. Wow, so so harsh.

I'm sorry for having to deal with this. You both spent almost two years in the state of limerance. No matter how painful it might be, a decision has to be made at some point suffering through the required abandonment depression.

When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.

Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.

Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.

Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible.  As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life."  Hope this helps. Empathy

[married21years]

And she said that seeing me made her realize that we can't be friends. Wow, so so harsh.

because she has someone else she doesn't need you

this is how they work!

learn pick yourself up and move on 

[kc sunshine]

Now she is posting pictures of them on facebook. So tough.

Here's what I'm trying to hold on to:

1) this person is better for her then I am (she will stay in our city vs. me that will leave)
2) I was not able to be myself with my ex (I had to walk on eggshells about my friends)-- losing myself is too big a cost for any relationship
3) the fact that they moved in after 6 weeks of being together is an another indicator of mental illness

Ouch though. The painful things keep coming.

[steelwork]

So sorry. I learned they were living together through a mutual friend, 5 months after he froze me out. I had allowed myself to fantasize that maybe things weren't working out between them! It was a kick in the gut. Things did get marginally better for me in the aftermath, though. Knowledge is power. But knowing all the gory details isn't. I'm gonna advise you to unfriend your ex. If you prefer, you could explain why so she doesn't take it as something you did in a fit of pique, but you really shouldn't be subjecting yourself to that.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks dear steelwork-- it really is so tragic. Just 6 weeks ago, she was contemplating moving with me. And now she doesn't even want to talk to me. It just seems cruel to me. I can't get over the cruelty.

So sorry. I learned they were living together through a mutual friend, 5 months after he froze me out. I had allowed myself to fantasize that maybe things weren't working out between them! It was a kick in the gut. Things did get marginally better for me in the aftermath, though. Knowledge is power. But knowing all the gory details isn't. I'm gonna advise you to unfriend your ex. If you prefer, you could explain why so she doesn't take it as something you did in a fit of pique, but you really shouldn't be subjecting yourself to that.

[VitaminC]

Now she is posting pictures of them on facebook. So tough.

What good is it doing you to look, KC?
Would it be possible for you to stop? Do you think you might be better able to focus on yourself and what you need and want to do for yourself, if you stopped?

2) I was not able to be myself with my ex (I had to walk on eggshells about my friends)-- losing myself is too big a cost for any relationship
Ouch though. The painful things keep coming.

In my view, if you stay focused on this, how the relationship was not good for YOU and that the cost was too big, then you will be doing yourself some good. Putting the attention there is not easy, at first, as we all here know, but it is necessary and very worthwhile.

I found this really useful, and have had to read it often. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0
Scroll down a bit for ":)etachment, Step by Step"

It's not a linear and smooth process, that's what I try to bear in mind. It's good to check in, though, and try to locate oneself on the stages and then see what we can do to help us bump along to the next stage and stay there for longer .

Is that helpful in any way?

[jhkbuzz]

Now she is posting pictures of them on facebook. So tough.

... .Ouch though. The painful things keep coming.

No judgement here - I looked at FB, saw the replacement pictures, grieved, tried to make sense of it all, looked some more, cried... .it's a long, slow healing process when you're coming out of a r/s with someone suffering with a personality disorder.

But this is the thing: the painful things don't "keep coming" - you keep inviting them in. You keep looking.

I stopped looking when I realized - I really saw - that I was causing myself a lot of anguish with all of my digging. In some ways I think I did it because it kept a "connection" alive - even though it was an incredibly painful connection, even though that connection really only existed in my mind. It somehow seemed better than the alternative - to let her go.

Everyone lets go when they're ready. Maybe you're not ready; maybe it feels like life (and all the bad stuff that keeps piling up) is "happening to you." But make no mistake: the decision is yours. When your head and your heart decide that you're done, then it will be over. There won't be anything that can "happen" that will alter that fact.

If my ex showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, I would feel conflicted; I would simultaneously remember all the joy and all the horror of being in a r/s with her; I would feel sad that it didn't work out, I would feel angry as I remembered some of the really shi**y things she did; and I would be reminded of all the reasons I genuinely liked her - because everyone has their redeeming qualities, too. But despite feeling all these conflicting emotions, I can say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't even be vaguely tempted to "pick up where we left off."

That certainty exists because I made the decision to let go. You'll get there too - but first you have to stop picking at your wound.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, that's really true jhkbuzz. I'm hoping to get where you are... .it's quite a road! How long did it take you about?

[Indifferent28]

Kc,
my girl friend has recently moved in with her girl friend as well.
They've been together around 10 months. They would have moved in together sooner, had my ex not been trapped in her own lease.

It's a hard thing to process. I'm sure for you especially since you were thinking she wanted to work through things mere weeks ago.
My ex and her gf broke up a few days a couple months ago.
During these brief period, my ex randomly texted me and we got onto how they had broken up. And by the way she worded things, she said she needed to fix herself for "anyone she will be with" sort of leaving the option of anyone open, though she made it clear she wanted her current gf.
They were back together days later, and she never texted me first again since.

They go after us when they're going through a tough time.
Thats it.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, that's really true jhkbuzz. I'm hoping to get where you are... .it's quite a road! How long did it take you about?

I think it's different for everyone because everyone's circumstances are different. I was in an 8 year r/s, so that length of time means a longer recovery, I think. Funny thing is that I knew early on that I wouldn't take her back - there was no trust left, so there was no way I could fool myself into thinking that things would change even if we reconciled. That doesn't mean I let go quickly, though. For the first year I was a hot mess; things started to (slowly) get better as I moved into the second year. I'm two years out of the r/s, and have been doing a lot of work to understand myself (through therapy).  I think it's safe to say that I'm not even the person I was two years ago.