I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I think so...

[PennyDreadful]

Hi everyone. I am very new to this, so I need your wise counsel!

My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. Over those years, there have been 4 or 5 times when I have caught him using porn and having "secret" credit cards that I knew nothing about, and had no idea what they were used for. So off he would go to counseling and I, being the "good wife" would clean up the financial mess and we'd move on.

Things changed dramatically about 3 years ago. He had a horrible fall off a ladder and broke both his wrists, He was in a cast on one arm and external fixators on the other. He couldn't do anything for himself for a good while. Well, we made it through that, but it seemed like his personality changed a lot after that, which I will explain in a minute. Fast forward to October last year. Once again, I discover hidden credit cards and porn usage. There was a huge blowup, which this time included my 18 yo DD. This is where his personality changes really hit home for me. He was cruel, and filled with this tight rage, blaming me and lashing out with all sorts of horrible things. Ever since his fall, this is how he would be in any confrontation. Just cold & calculating, made me feel a bit crazy since there seemed to be NO WAY to have a rational, calm conversation. Before his fall he was a milder version of this, but now he was full on cruel. He was even this way to our DD, whom he loved so much before. She tried to act as mediator, and he just cut her up verbally. So this was a 3 hour conflict that swung from vicious cruelty in the beginning, to crying and cooperation later. A few days later, we were back at it after he refused to follow through on some compromises; another hours long confrontation, and he did finally follow through. We started going to family therapy and I thought things were better.

May of this year, I again discovered he was using porn. My daughter and I left the house instead of getting into another long traumatic fight with him. She left her phone at home and went back to get it. She found him on the back patio with a shotgun under his chin. Poor kid had to talk her dad out of killing himself. The next day he was evaluated by our mental health facility, and he charmed his way out of inpatient care. He also moved out at my insistence. I thought we were going to try to work it out, but he just started living the bachelor life, going out with his friends, basically leaving us to fend for ourselves. I didn't understand this behavior... .if I had done what he had, and wanted my family back, I would be doing ANYTHING to regain trust and get back into our lives. But he did nothing. We met a few times and he was just kinda detached, like he was just saying the stuff he thought I'd want to hear.

Finally I told him I had had enough. Up till this point, we had an agreement between us that he wouldn't just come to the house without warning, he would send a text and arrange a time. But this time, he just came walking in and cornered me in the house, demanded to talk. Well, I KNEW this was going nowhere and asked him to leave. Needless to say, he didn't, and followed me through the house, gleefully telling me what all I would lose in a divorce, with this creepy little half-smile on his face. At one point, when I was sobbing and screaming at him to leave, he calmly pulled out his phone and asked me to ":)o that again, I want to get a video". I had to call the police, and they convinced him to leave. Later, when I was gone, he came back and he and my DD had a confrontation in the front yard, screaming and yelling. She told me later that she was convinced he was going to grab her or hit her. We had to get protective orders against him, and a few days later, I filed for divorce. Since then, it has been utter hell. I am a SAHM, and he cut off all the money except for a pittance. I have always paid all the bills since he is no good with finances. I have discovered that through the course of our marriage, he has charged over $25,000 on cards I didn't know about, including paying for porn. His porn use, which he admitted was a full blown addiction, which was the reason our sex life was non existent. The therapist that we were both seeing was the first to mention BPD, which sent me to the internet and convinces me that he is BPD/NPD. Looking back over the years, it fits perfectly. He has an intense need for everything to look good. He needs a lot of attention, like if he cooks a good meal, he needs to hear praise over and over. He either loves people or hates people, including our DD, and that can change on a dime. When confronted, he deflects, evades, lashes out, turns into a Jekyll/Hyde person. Nothing is his fault, and the things he is saying about me to friends and family... .I am basically Satan incarnate! So I am struggling to pay our bills with what he "gives me", and my lawyers seem to get nowhere; he blocks everything with counter proposals that take weeks to get hammered out, then there is yet another reason why he can't put more $ in. The lawyer bills are just skyrocketing with this lunacy. Our DD is 19, theres no custody or child support issues, it shouldn't be this hard. Even the lawyers shake their heads at this.

So in the end, here I am, in the middle of a divorce I never saw coming until I had to actually file, ending a 20 year marriage, battling a person I don't even recognize anymore. I have no income, no idea what I am going to do. So I just need some help in dealing with this, and some confirmation that my belief that he has BPD/NPD is possible. I also wonder if he was always this way, and the fall brought it out more? Or if the fall actually caused it? He's very high functioning... .no one would believe he is not the happy, funny, outgoing man that he projects to everyone.

I am sorry for the length. I've been lurking a bit, and just finally got the courage to post.

[Tobiasfunke]

Welcome to the club. There are a lot of knowledgeable folks on here. It has been a godsend for me. Sounds like he's had some heavy issues for a while prior to his accident. The new personality changes, any way that could be from brain injury from what appears to have been a pretty violent accident?

Good luck this site and the people on this board particularly have been a blessing.

[heartandwhole]

Hi PennyDreadful,



I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce; it's tough enough to end a marriage, but to add everything that you've been through—that is so difficult.   I felt completely gutted after my breakup and I wasn't even in the relationship for 2 years, so I can only imagine how you are feeling right now.

You are definitely in the right place. The members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The site is also a gold mine of tools and resources that will help things get better for you. And things DO get better. There is hope, PennyDreadful.

The situation you described, while seemingly outrageous, does sound like other stories our members have shared, unfortunately. It is not uncommon to experience years of relative normal relationship stuff only to have things implode suddenly at some point. I'm sorry, because I know how upsetting and shattering it feels to have someone radically change his behavior so unexpectedly.

How are you and your daughter coping, PennyDreadful? Are you taking good care of yourself? I know that money worries are very stressful. Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now?

What kind of communication are you having with your soon to be ex-husband?

Keep posting. It really helps. We'll walk beside you as you recover from this blow.

heartandwhole

[PennyDreadful]

... .any way that could be from brain injury from what appears to have been a pretty violent accident?

This has been a thought I have had, but he had a variety of xrays and MRIs when the accident happened, and there was no mention of anything head related, not even a concussion. I think that the accident, along with the helplessness that came from it magnified his BPD/NPD tendencies, and really brought them out. He had a horrible childhood, with some sexual abuse, alcoholism, divorce, multiple step dads... .just a buffet of trauma. I'd be surprised if he didn't have some issues, but it just seems so sudden and... .vicious.

My daughter, thank God, left at the end of July to join her dream job. It was very traumatic for her to leave while I am in the middle of this mess, but I am so glad she is gone, and I try not to tell her anything; not that I lie to her, I am just not forthcoming about issues, unless she specifically asks. So I have the double whammy of empty nest and divorce, all at the same time. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I find it hard to just function. I have my parents to lean on, and they give money when I need help. I am keeping track of all this, so they can get paid back. It rubs me though, because I am 47, and feel like I shouldn't have to have my parents help me. My husband has a great paying job, and there is no reason for me to have to struggle, but I know this is a power play for him, and he is getting sick pleasure out of my pain.

I still see the therapist, and I am managing. I feel like I'm walking along in a daze, just doing what it takes to get through the day.

We have no contact at all, since the protective order forbids it, and all communication is done through lawyers. That is fine with me. I think the thing I struggle with the most is how sudden and unexpected it is, and how quickly our "great" marriage turned into the War of the Roses. It just makes no sense to me. I can't say I'm in denial, I know this is happening... .I just feel like I can't come to terms with who he used to be (or who I thought he was) and who he is now. He is just so completely different... .*sigh*

[heartandwhole]

PennyDreadful,

I admire your strength and how you are handling this. I totally understand your shock and dismay at this turn of events. It's so hard to wrap our heads around such a radical change in behavior. I walked around in a daze for awhile, too. It was all I could to get up to go to work in the morning, and I had to fight to keep from breaking down at inappropriate times.

I encourage you, if you haven't already, to check out the Family Law, Divorce, and Custody board as members there will have experience dealing with the legalities of these situations.

I'm glad you have your parents to help out. I imagine they are glad to be able to assist you during this difficult time, and want your and your daughter's happiness.

Here is a good article that may be helpful in understanding your husband's behavior :

Know the Infamous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

heartandwhole

[PennyDreadful]

Wow, that article describes him to a T! His emotional MO is to not feel, not discuss, not talk about anything, and stuff stuff stuff those feelings. Make everyone think everything is great.Then when he finally blows, it is all anger, blame and rage. Our therapist told me that he never really opened up to her, always tried to put forward this "I'm doing great" image, and did a lot of projecting on me, such as calling me a chameleon, saying "she's not who you think she is". I feel stupid that I went though almost 20 years of this... .did I really not see any of this? Was he just a good actor? Or was I purposely not seeing? I'm doing a lot of "what is wrong with me that I didn't see this coming?".

As far as my strength... .well, that varies, hour to hour sometimes. Last weekend I was so depressed I couldn't do ANYTHING. Thank God for Netflix. I break down everywhere... .at the store, on the phone, driving... .sometimes I feel an almost physical pain, like my heart is being just ripped out. And he's out having a grand old time with his buddies... .it makes me sick.