Struggling in NC? Me too...

[Zinnia21]

So much logic and self worth seems to go out the window after a BPD discard. What other kind of r/s or partner leaves you thinking... .WHAT? WHY? [Pain pain pain]... .Like this?
I know about BPD now. I should know what, I should know why. But my brain and heart continue to meet somewhere in my chest and turn into a confused mush, leaving me wondering.
It's discard #4 , exactly 3 weeks in.
Final time. He knows it, I know it. That should be a relief. But how can I reconcile this pain. I can't take comfort in the 'good' times, because they were great! And shortly followed by being thrown away. Therefor the love I was shown is destroyed by the discards. It can't exist in me as a fond memory. And to imagine him now  potentially shining his charming side on someone new... .
   
I'm having one of those days where I want to burst out of this pain. Be who I know I can be. I'm hard on myself, thinking '3 year relationship of nonsense, how'd I let that happen?' Up hill battle now to get my life functioning again. I'm in full Nc. I don't know if he's tried to message. It's a sad thought feeling that he probably hasn't. But it's sad that I'm sad about that!

I've been looking through helpful articles. In case anyone else has this inner battle, here is a bit of what I'm reading. It's not all pretty, but it's a strong reminder of why I'm in NC when I start to doubt things. You may have read these already... .

We have all read plenty of BPD literature, I'm sure! But this one is on the money in terms of the way a pwBPD is in a relationship:
www.psychcentral.com/lib/loving-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

This is a note on leaving abusive relationships:
www.blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2012/01/emotional-abuse-and-your-partner-with-BPD/

This combination of articles highlights to me how hard I tried, how impossible it can become and how I can now help myself move past it, having endured so much and tried so hard.

 I don't cling to these articles in a negative way. i read them to understand the psychological warfare that was/is at play, to remember, when I feel rejected, that this was no ordinary romance, to say the least... ! I think I'm used to the cycle of discard and return. This phase is hard for me, as I'm trying to break through that now, but my heart hasn't quite caught up. I'm used to him returning (no matter how diabolically the discard was enacted).

Full, committed NC feels like a re training of the heart. Pushing it out of its recently learned habits of longing for someone abusive to come back.

Anyone wanna share their current progress (or lack of:) in NC?
Or have suggestions on what they do to process it. Or how they struggle at that... or succeed... .Encouragement, suggestions and horror stories all welcome!
Hope someone gets help from the article links:)
Thank you people!  

I'm off to the gym now... .Haaalp One step at a time I guess!

[Turkish]

This is about the paradox of loving someone who pushes you away:
The author is a bit controversial but I need that right now!

She is indeed a bit controversial.  We do need what we need at the time for where we might be at.  Here is the Site review with member comments:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=148844.0;all

[Inside]

I’ve not checked in, or at least on the tuff end of our forum in so long - I mistook NC for North Carolina .  -- They cannot change, but we can heal, and move on.  I have, though not to a new romance ... but to a new home and state!  But it needn't be that drastic. 

I had seven recycles, with 3 week stints, sometimes ‘to the day,’ sounding very familiar.  The most important part is understanding, it will never work, no matter how many tries.  And though maybe this is ‘controversial,’ but they’re incurable, and will repeat their behavior until they lack the energy to continue…

In the thick of despair, as you are now, it was one day and one step at a time ... fending off the multiple opportunities ‘mine’ gave me to cycle again.  Not easy, just necessary.  With time, she must have moved on ... and though I’d like to have warned off the next victim, it doesn't work that way.

When you can barely keep from thinking of ‘them’ every 5 minutes, or every hour, the concept of such thoughts being only every day or week seems inconceivable.  But, in time, it happens.  And though ‘they’ need an instant replacement - we don’t.  We take love very serious, consciously, or not.  Thus we inevitably dwell on the details, like the good, the bad, and how to keep from ever allowing ourselves to end up in such a r/s again…

We are not rejected, if anything, we simply got too close.  But, we can get close - and stay close (they can't).  So, that’s what we deserve (someone who can).  I’ve lost track of how long it’s been since I ultimately ‘abandoned her.’  ... it was in the winter, two ago I think ... now it’s summer!  Though still ‘alone,’ I’ve healed, and hope to be a decent match for someone I’ve yet to meet.  You will too.

Make it be over(!).  It’s really up to you; as you’ve seen the limit of their abilities, it remains up to you to be the adult.  You can trust that one day ‘he’ will be a memory, but for me, instead of thinking of either the good or the bad, I consider it an educational mistake; something I can, and do share with the world.  We’ve a degree in BPD - and likely as costly as any!  Use it, warn your friends, and remind yourself what ‘not to look for in a mate.’ 

Seems you’re on the right track, education and healthy living.  Damn, though…  It doesn't seem anyone or anything ... short of some drug I’m smart enough not to use will match that ride...   But in the end, it was only a ride, and all rides end.  We deserve real partners, those capable of maintaining ever-deepening connections and matching our abilities to do the long haul of life together  ... not in fits and starts, then starts & fits…

Again, it’s up to you - you’re the Adult ... .a lot like being ‘the Parent’ - an often thankless position, but someone’s gotta do it.  Make it so 

[gotbushels]

Hi Zinnia21 

This combination of articles highlights to me how hard I tried, how impossible it can become and how I can now help myself move past it, having endured so much and tried so hard.

I don't cling to these articles in a negative way. i read them to understand the psychological warfare that was/is at play, to remember, when I feel rejected, that this was no ordinary romance, to say the least... !

I'm not taking any stand on the articles, but I do certainly relate to your feelings here. These takeaways of yours seem helpful to you. If they lead to you being in a better position for yourself when taking what you have on hand, as a whole, then power to you. 

I'll encourage you to keep searching and understanding. This part also (apart from NC) gets easier over time. I would just be cautious that the cycling gets too easy. I found I got used to a lot of the lousy dances and that kept me inside the relationship, that I truly didn't want to be in for the long run (I got more certainty later). I had much more than 20 breakups. That's not anywhere near what healthy was supposed to be. Being adaptable is not good for this point. 

You mentioned your heart hasn't quite caught up. I think that's important and I do want to hold that out. That's good that you can see that during this difficult time, your logic and emotions may not be coincident. It might be obvious to you, but I think that's an important distinction as it allows for more self-compassion.

It would have helped me during the detaching stage to think of coaxing my heart instead of pushing it to places.

Well done incorporating your gym routine into this process. You're absolutely right--no need to guess--one step at a time.

 

[DazedD40]

I've struggled like hell with it!

She cut me off and blocked me last week leaving me thinking that I'm blacker than black especially after the words she spoke and the actions that followed. She set up 2 dating profiles which were both attacking me albeit in a very sly way but she'd have written them that way for my benefit.

It's been a real struggle this weekend as she'd have been on the pull last night and I was working near by. I didn't bump in to her however I know she was out there back on the look out. She's a very promiscuous BPD and will be sleeping with men to help her deal with her side of what's happening. I've kept telling myself it doesn't matter and that she slept with people whilst we were together but man have I been a ball of twisted up anxiety and feeling the horrid energy ripping me up inside. I've hardly slept a wink since last Wednesday.

She's taken everything away from me and hasn't looked back. She's on dating sites for ffs. I'm doing my nut and want to contact her but what's the use? All that will happen is she'll label me a stalker and twist it all around on me to her friends and family fuelling what she's already smeared me over to them. I want to beg, I want to plead, I want to scream and shout bloody murder at her. I want her to come and take this all away but she's gone and gone for good. I'm trying my hardest not to stalk her Facebook or dating sites or even out her number back in my phone to see if she's still got me blocked. I'm trying so hard not too but my heart feels like it's breaking in to tiny pieces and I honestly don't know how to put myself back together.

The one person that was always there for me has now gone and gone with anger and nothing but resentment and detest for me. The women I love hates me and wants to see me crumble.

I miss her and I just wish I could talk to my best friend again.

[Zinnia21]

She cut me off and blocked me last week leaving me thinking that I'm blacker than black especially after the words she spoke and the actions that followed.

The one person that was always there for me has now gone and gone with anger and nothing but resentment and detest for me.

I miss her and I just wish I could talk to my best friend again.

DazedD40, I highlighted these parts of your response because these things you mention are something so specific to BPD and are, to me, the things that make it so utterly heart breaking!
Point by point I'll go through these elements...
1- the feeling of being painted black and then completely cut off from someone you adore.
I don't think you can explain this feeling to people who haven't been through it and have them understand. It's baffling to a part of your soul you never even knew you had, till THIS happened!
2- the feeling that the person you love hates you. And when in that destructive mode, it hurts so much knowing you can't say ANYTHING to convince them otherwise.
3- missing the person who was just there a minute ago... .it's hard to make sense of, that you can't talk to them. My ex was like a sudden stranger when the 'change' came over him. There is something so haunting about not being able to just communicate and remind them who you are, and how much you love them.

I feel your pain on all of these, and I have never experienced anything so shattering in a relationship before. The combination of these aspects totally does your head in! I guess that's why I'm just closing my eyes and pressing block on the phone. After a few times of going through this cycle of being loved and then pushed away, I don't know what else to do.

Is it your first breakup with her? How long were you together at this point?

[Zinnia21]

She is indeed a bit controversial. 

Yes, don't worry, I take her articles with a big grain of salt! Very sensationalist in parts, but kinda on the money in other parts, in explaining the frustrations encountered in such a relationship as this.
When I feel sad and confused, I read something like this and I think- of course I'm confused! But I can get my own strength back as a person in time.

[married21years]

she does leap to conclusions a little to much, but she does have coping strategies, that can be explored.

however they demonize and degrade the pwBPD that some find acceptable.

ill open a new thread to discuss this 

[Zinnia21]

I’ve not checked in, or at least on the tuff end of our forum in so long - I mistook NC for North Carolina .  -- They cannot change, but we can heal, and move on. 

Ha! North Carolina sounds a good escape right now, I wouldn't mind!   

Thank you for making me feel there is a way to make it through to the other side, if only step by step!
I think he's come to the end of his game with me, I know you never know... .But I'm pretty sure. I very nearly made the move to end it myself but seems like I had to watch the horror movie to the end! You want to look away but can't, you have to know how it ends sometimes... .

An educational mistake... .I also like that notion. Because, unlike other relationships, I just don't think I will look back on this through loving rose coloured glasses, after everything I've experienced!

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. It gives me strength knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[Zinnia21]

gotbushels,

thank you for your kind and helpful words, you have helped me in other threads before. Your words are very soothing and balanced:)

You're so right that it's ok for my heart and my logic to be out of sync right now. I'm sort of floating through a strange abyss. In some ways I feel calmer and safer, but in other ways, my heart says... .'So... .is that it? Just silence, and not seeing him again, until one day... .it's over and I've moved on... "
It's a little like talking to yourself in the dark.

At this stage, I think if I wanted to talk to him I could, and he'd take some responsibility and (maybe in a disassociated way), now he's calmed down, he'd show some care about it. But then it hurts to see him talking calmly and being kind again, knowing he can't sustain it and I can't have him back again. It hurts, to go seeking answers from him. So this time I'm trying to find them in myself and step away.

[DazedD40]

She cut me off and blocked me last week leaving me thinking that I'm blacker than black especially after the words she spoke and the actions that followed.

The one person that was always there for me has now gone and gone with anger and nothing but resentment and detest for me.

I miss her and I just wish I could talk to my best friend again.

DazedD40, I highlighted these parts of your response because these things you mention are something so specific to BPD and are, to me, the things that make it so utterly heart breaking!
Point by point I'll go through these elements...
1- the feeling of being painted black and then completely cut off from someone you adore.
I don't think you can explain this feeling to people who haven't been through it and have them understand. It's baffling to a part of your soul you never even knew you had, till THIS happened!
2- the feeling that the person you love hates you. And when in that destructive mode, it hurts so much knowing you can't say ANYTHING to convince them otherwise.
3- missing the person who was just there a minute ago... .it's hard to make sense of, that you can't talk to them. My ex was like a sudden stranger when the 'change' came over him. There is something so haunting about not being able to just communicate and remind them who you are, and how much you love them.

I feel your pain on all of these, and I have never experienced anything so shattering in a relationship before. The combination of these aspects totally does your head in! I guess that's why I'm just closing my eyes and pressing block on the phone. After a few times of going through this cycle of being loved and then pushed away, I don't know what else to do.

Is it your first breakup with her? How long were you together at this point?

We had just embarked on year 5 and no it wasn't the first split. There was a few splits in the first few years and then we moved in together which after some teething issues we kinda got the balance right. Her mental health took a turn for the worse and looking back and using what I have learnt I think my work situation and a change to our routine triggered off her abandonment issues. I still remember watching her walk up the path after work one day and I could see in her face that was something was wrong and from that moment on I was scramble around to get her back as the devaluation had started. We'd been so happy and then for no reason she became distant and nothing I could do could save her, us or myself. She stated drinking heavily whilst taking anti deps and anxiety meds but that seemed to make it a whole lot worse. One day I came home and she kicked me out. She blamed me but she could never tell me why.


Then the push pull really stared and we hot back together, split up, back together but nothing got better. I can see she was devaluing me now and although we had a six month period where things got a lot better she went out and cheated on me. I knew something had happened but it was only recently she told me the truth. Still I hung in there until I clocked she was in the process of discarding me. I called her out on some behaviours and she went off on one saying the most cruel things. I blocked her but later made contact only for her to kick off with her cruel angry words before she blocked me and then opened up 2 dating profiles that my friend tipped me off about. Her profiles are stabbing at me as well. Pushing buttons the whole way through what she's written.

6 days and no communication whatsoever. 

[Zinnia21]

DazedD40, that sounds so awful, getting 5 years in and trying so hard. I really relate to your feeling of seeing they are devaluing and scrabbling around trying to save things. But no matter how you approach, I honestly think there's nothing much you can do once that devaluing starts. They are unaware of themselves doing it, and create such a solid (but delusional) premise for leaving, for not trusting.
I definitely feel like the stress and difficulties start to outweigh the happiness and hope at a certain point. I wished I could share my positivity and hope with my ex, but he couldn't see it, was too swallowed up by his dark thoughts and feelings. I think that's why it's so hard for us as partners. We bend over backwards to keep it all going, to keep them happy, and they seem to become less and less happy.

I hope you can remember that her being on dating sites in the state she's in is not bringing her happiness. You should probably find some way to ban yourself from looking at it, or Facebook. Both are hard to see, when they are on a rampage.

Once this type of cheating starts, I think it's hard to rebuild trust. Even though you love her, is that something you could tolerate ongoing?
But I do understand that when you love someone this much, you do just about anything to save it.
Sounds like she's really pushed it over the edge though. Could you send her a calm email stating how you feel , and then back off a bit to protect yourself?
Perhaps like- 'I'm really hurt that you have left and that you're dating, but you have chosen to leave and to do this, so I'm just letting you know I'm now disengaging with the situation and taking some time out for myself... .'
Or whatever it is you want to do... Just to make a statement, and separate yourself a bit.
Although you don't feel like a robot on the inside, remember that pwBPD need clear calm firm statements when emotionally out of control. Plus, it may have the effect of making the dating a bit more boring for her... .who knows!

[DazedD40]

DazedD40, that sounds so awful, getting 5 years in and trying so hard. I really relate to your feeling of seeing they are devaluing and scrabbling around trying to save things. But no matter how you approach, I honestly think there's nothing much you can do once that devaluing starts. They are unaware of themselves doing it, and create such a solid (but delusional) premise for leaving, for not trusting.
I definitely feel like the stress and difficulties start to outweigh the happiness and hope at a certain point. I wished I could share my positivity and hope with my ex, but he couldn't see it, was too swallowed up by his dark thoughts and feelings. I think that's why it's so hard for us as partners. We bend over backwards to keep it all going, to keep them happy, and they seem to become less and less happy.

I hope you can remember that her being on dating sites in the state she's in is not bringing her happiness. You should probably find some way to ban yourself from looking at it, or Facebook. Both are hard to see, when they are on a rampage.

Once this type of cheating starts, I think it's hard to rebuild trust. Even though you love her, is that something you could tolerate ongoing?
But I do understand that when you love someone this much, you do just about anything to save it.
Sounds like she's really pushed it over the edge though. Could you send her a calm email stating how you feel , and then back off a bit to protect yourself?
Perhaps like- 'I'm really hurt that you have left and that you're dating, but you have chosen to leave and to do this, so I'm just letting you know I'm now disengaging with the situation and taking some time out for myself... .'
Or whatever it is you want to do... Just to make a statement, and separate yourself a bit.
Although you don't feel like a robot on the inside, remember that pwBPD need clear calm firm statements when emotionally out of control. Plus, it may have the effect of making the dating a bit more boring for her... .who knows!

I'm taking her blocking me and hitting the dating sites as a clear sign she doesn't wish to hear from me and in truth why the hell should I run to her again? Isn't that the opposite of what I should do? I'd have to change numbers to get around the block, only for her to most probably block me again, or use someone else's phone. She'd probably block my email if she hadn't already. I'd have to start a fake FB profile to contact her on there, all of which would make me look like a nutty stalker. So no I'm not going to contact her even though I do really want too but even so she doesn't want that and I don't want to feed her ego.

I've set myself up on these dating sites now. If she's moving on then I'm following suit. Sod her.