I am still in bad shape.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Feel like I should be an old hand at this, doling out wisdom to the recently devastated, but nope.

1.75 years after being replaced, almost a year since I last had any minimal contact, over a year since any significant contact, and I'm still dragging myself through glass over this guy. I know I didn't deserve the treatment I got at the end, and that it should be a deal-breaker for any self-respecting person. I know his thinking is disordered, and that I'm not the magician who will make it otherwise. But I also know we loved each other like crazy, and I let him down, and man, I miss the guy every day.

So much energy goes into not reaching out. None left for building other relationships. I have poured all I have into the book I'm writing. I'll hand that in to the publisher in a month, and then what?

[steelwork]

Feel like I should be an old hand at this, doling out wisdom to the recently devastated, but nope.

1.75 years after being replaced, almost a year since I last had any minimal contact, over a year since any significant contact, and I'm still dragging myself through glass over this guy. I know I didn't deserve the treatment I got at the end, and that it should be a deal-breaker for any self-respecting person. I know his thinking is disordered, and that I'm not the magician who will make it otherwise. But I also know we loved each other like crazy, and I let him down, and man, I miss the guy every day.

So much energy goes into not reaching out. None left for building other relationships. I have poured all I have into the book I'm writing. I'll hand that in to the publisher in a month, and then what?

[patientandclear]

Just a quick note to say I really get this.  This whole situation has taken a giant bite out of my life, life force, sense of capacity and confidence and self, and room for happiness.  It's all magnified so much more for me by the vague sense that somehow it should not have played out as it did.

 

[married21years]

I let him down

hi

what exactly do you mean?

we have all blamed ourselves, but is this blame justified?

 

[Inside]

Yes, and thanks for the 'warning' bpdfamily.com , but if I stopped to read every post that happened while I was compiling my often lengthy (or slow) responses ... .that's all I'd be doing!  So here comes one such response, with no idea who or how anything's been answered or resolved 

... .Dang...   Ya know, to me, ‘being replaced’ means you were too successful to have worked for them.  They’re not looking for functional, so when they find it, they shove off or run - cuz they can’t handle it! 

So any talk around here of ‘being replaced’ is interrupted by me as having shown yourself to be too responsible for your/ our (former) dysfunctional on-again off-again ‘partners.’  Seems ‘having it work’ means holding up your end as a co-dependant…

Admittedly, ‘me & mine’ were in love, too…  She tried, perhaps harder than I ... who was trying my best.  It’s not that love didn’t work, or sex, but that the person with BPD was doomed from the start, sad to say.  Thus, so were we.  With no such thing as magic.

Twas a drug, likely with a capital D!  And it seems most want more.  I know I did.  Went back seven damn times…  Could have died, too, I’m sure.  She needed me to be or remain in crisis or distress to a degree that I matched her disfunction.  And I was no doubt like raw meat at the time - recent divorce, trying to keep my kids and home. 

But, as I moved ahead, gaining strength, she, with BPD, couldn’t.  Thus when I began to expect more from her, and she couldn’t match my abilities, I’d be shoved away.  And, it was as hard as any I’ve read around here to get beyond…  But it had to be done, and over. 

And though I’ve literally ‘moved on,’ I remain alone...   Viewing my life as chapters, at least in the book I’ve yet to write    you’re just ready for your next chapter, or book!  So am I, but moving at a far less frenzied pace.  I suspect those who can love, will love again, and you’re obviously one who can ~

[kc sunshine]

Steelmind: you wrote a book! That is so awesome. Through all this heartache, you poured your energy into a gift you will give the world.

[steelwork]

Thank you all.

How I let him down is such a long story, and I've told it here too many times already. Suffice it to say that he has good reasons to feel abandoned by me. Actually, one reason is that I made writing this book my biggest priority for the last three years. I also had a series of crises in my life that made me retreat. I expressed my sincere apologies to him for the ways I hurt him. I hoped he'd change his mind about moving on, because I made the changes in my life he'd wanted me to make. It was too late. I understood and said so, but he felt the need to be cruel about it anyhow. Our whole r/s was so dysfunctional, for what felt like external reasons, that it was really only in the aftermath that I put together a clear picture of what had happened.

I often wonder if his cruelty actually made it harder to release him in my heart.

It's such a mess, all of it. I miss him like crazy.

[fromheeltoheal]

Our whole r/s was so dysfunctional, for what felt like external reasons, that it was really only in the aftermath that I put together a clear picture of what had happened.

It's such a mess, all of it. I miss him like crazy.

Is it really him you miss at this point steelwork, or the some of the feelings you had when you were with him?  If we look at relationships as vehicles we use to meet our needs, kind of impersonal but go with it for a minute, then that vehicle was "so dysfunctional", a dysfunctional vehicle to meet those needs.  And a key to fighting something is don't fight it, create something new, find another vehicle to meet those needs at a higher level, and functional.  That doesn't necessary mean another relationship, although that would be one way, and you've been using writing your book as that vehicle, and/or maybe a distraction, for 3 years, which has worked on some level, and as you say, now what?  Another vehicle to meet those needs at a higher level.  What are those needs, and what vehicles come to mind?

[steelwork]

It's a gordian knot. Needs, vehicle, fellow-passenger. Part of recovery is finding new vehicles to get where I need to be, emotionally. Part of it is changing the nature of my needs as I get healtier. There is a remaining part, x%, for each of us here to determine, that is just plain old loss. There are things about my fellow-passenger that are unique and lovable and extraordinary. Some of those things are inextricably connected to his emotional scars.

[patientandclear]

Exactly. At some point there is no difference btwn missing a person and missing the feelings we particularly had with the person. Inconvenient as that is for recovery and as much as it makes grieving harder and less complete.

[fromheeltoheal]

There are things about my fellow-passenger that are unique and lovable and extraordinary. Some of those things are inextricably connected to his emotional scars.

Yes, I agree absolutely.  And that person and those scars, along with me and mine, made the relationship irretrievably dysfunctional, and therefore ultimately unacceptable.  I choose to believe however that everything happens for a reason, and I needed to go through that experience to grow and learn, one, and also to see what's possible.  Was that flying too close to the sun, bright and vibrant as hell but easy to get burned, never obtainable, or was it something the right combination of people can create functionally, although we needed the experience first to see that?  I'm voting for the latter, moving forward with anticipation, because what else is there but forward?

[steelwork]

All of what you say is true, but there is still a devastating loss.

Was that flying too close to the sun, bright and vibrant as hell but easy to get burned, never obtainable, or was it something the right combination of people can create functionally, although we needed the experience first to see that?  I'm voting for the latter, moving forward with anticipation, because what else is there but forward?

Maybe we could have been the right combination. I feel like I'll never know the answer, because I didn't make room in my life for him until it was too late.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry steelwork, a loss that you think might have been the right combination is devastating.  In my case what I lost was a fantasy, and waking up to that and reconciling it with reality was a slap in the face, otherwise known as a massive growth opportunity, although there is no doubt the real relationship would never have worked and we'd just continue to hurt each other, so relatively easy to let go of.

The way through a loss is grieving; has that been a focus and is there progress, or are you stuck?

[steelwork]

The way through a loss is grieving; has that been a focus and is there progress, or are you stuck?

A lot of grieving. So much grieving. It's gone from unbearable to a mild constant presence that flares up at times into something worse. In therapy, I've tended to focus more on my family history. The grief around the loss of D is of course an echo of that, but it's also its own thing, and no matter how much perspective I gain, it still seems like there's an element of flat-out tragedy.

When I tried to get him back, he was a few months into his new relationship. He told me he'd never worked so hard to get over someone, and he'd done it, and he deserved what he had now. I couldn't really argue with that. He said he ran 8 miles a day and did CBT, and he felt like he was a different person, and that he didn't want to be that dependent on anyone again. He said, "I have abandonment issues."

Maybe he can do the work he needs to have a stable relationship with this other person. It certainly sounded like he was aware of the work he needed to do, or some of it. But I guess there were too many bad memories attached to me.

But he also said I was his great love, which makes it pretty hard to let hope die.

[steelwork]

You know what else he said? "I gave you dibs." Wow.

[patientandclear]

The way through a loss is grieving; has that been a focus and is there progress, or are you stuck?

no matter how much perspective I gain, it still seems like there's an element of flat-out tragedy.

Steelwork, I think the seeds of a way forward are in what you've written here.

The best recovery work I've done from the r/s that brought me here was 2.5 years ago, when I drew my first real boundary for the first time, and ended up having to let him go for what felt like forever.  I had no idea he would try to return in some fashion of nebulous value.  I thought he was gone-gone, like, for good.  He postured like he was.  I'd done the right thing, he'd responded badly, all was lost.  It seemed so wrong.

What helped me the most at that time was to actively embrace this concept you've identified here -- this is a tragedy -- and welcome it.  OK, so, this is my tragedy.  This is the saddest hardest thing that has happened to me or may ever happen to me.  Accept that.  It just is.  It's tragic.  Stop fighting that, stop trying to make it less tragic with notions that somehow this is for the best or we're going to be stronger for it or you dodged a bullet or other (for me) very unhelpful rationalizations for really, really sad wasteful events.

I found that led to a measure of peace.  And strength.  Strength that, weirdly, was needed when he began the series of masterful boundary busted episodes that have tested my integrity and whether I really am committed to my own well-being and sense of what is right.  To get that wherewithal, I had to accept the tragic aspect of all this.

So just -- yes.  It's really sad that it all happened as it did.  And it's fine to take the right measure of responsibility.  When I've read your story I always wonder whether there weren't good, important reasons you were reticent about organizing your whole life around him more quickly.  But anyway -- let's say there weren't, and you just made a mistake you wish you could go back in time and do differently.  That is what it is.  As a therapist of mine once said (and note, this is something I resisted as phenomenally unhelpful for years, but now see as very wise:) "that is the blow you have to take."  This is acceptance, in life.  Sometimes we make mistakes that cause loss that pains us enormously.  Avoiding that truth is not helpful.  Embracing it can be the way to get through it to another side and another chapter.

FWIW, when I was much younger, I badly screwed up a chance at a relationship with the man who really should have been the love of my life.  All these years later I still know that if I hadn't been mysteriously unwilling to commit to this amazing person, I'd have been one of those rare people who is happy romantically for her whole life.  It is what it is.  It is really F'ing sad.  I made a huge error.  My life has to proceed with that knowledge.  There has been a LOT of great value that's come subsequently, despite that, if I could, I'd go back in a heartbeat and change that, and the fact that, as I typed those words, I had a pang about how fantastic that aspect of my life could have been if I had not been such an idiot.  Or responded as I did to inchoate impulses that came from who knows where and that I did not have the skills or awareness to challenge (like many of our pwBPD).  But my life has still been comparatively fantastic.  Much is good.  That is our assignment: make room for what can still be.

 

[steelwork]

Steelwork, I think the seeds of a way forward are in what you've written here.

I hope you're right--though it also feels like a particularly bleak path.

For what it's worth, I do think I probably "dodged a bullet" in some ways. I learned a lot about him after he attached to someone else. He really was a different person, and it made me rethink so many things that happened before. (Though, as one friend put it, it's also not right to say I dodged a bullet, because I got hurt pretty bad.)

But learning about BPD also showed me how terrible the situation was for him, and how my behavior triggered him in ways that someone else's probably wouldn't. So that puts me back at square one.

On the third hand, as they say: maybe I just speeded up the inevitable by triggering his abandonment fears so badly.

When I've read your story I always wonder whether there weren't good, important reasons you were reticent about organizing your whole life around him more quickly.

There were so many reasons. As I said, I had a string of personal disasters--fires I kept having to put out. And my attempts at leaving the r/s I was in were... .I couldn't follow through on them, for a number of reasons, including: 1. my partner begging me and threatening self-harm; 2. my abiding friendship with and platonic love for my partner; 3. what I didn't understand at the time as my deep emotional dependency on my partner, who substituted in many ways for the good parent I never had.

But I think what you're getting at is the question of whether I failed to act because of an unconscious judgement about D's instability. That's true as well. And the instability that was at first exciting in its way became increasingly worrisome as my foot-dragging brought out his dissociations, projections, blaming, etc, and as I saw how unsympathetic he was to the crises that kept popping up. (Big ones, involving my close family.)

FWIW, when I was much younger, I badly screwed up a chance at a relationship with the man who really should have been the love of my life.  ... .
... .
  But my life has still been comparatively fantastic.  Much is good.  That is our assignment: make room for what can still be.

Yes.

I'm so sorry you have to live with this sadness.

One thing is that I'm not so young. I'm in my 50s now, and it doesn't seem like men my age want women their age. D. is now with someone 16 years younger, and that seems like par for the course.

Now I am going to say something that I know will anger some people.

I'm back to seeing the man I was with when I met D. I'm not in love with him.  He pretty much begged me to get back together, so I did. I needed him emotionally. He's a good person, and he says I make him happy, and maybe we could have a good life together. I go back and forth between feeling like I should end it and feeling like I need to come down to earth and accept that love is not always sexually romantic. Especially as you get older. I should be grateful for the companionship we give each other.

[fromheeltoheal]

What patientandclear has shared with us is wonderful.  And I agree, sugar coating something with rationalizations is a way to avoid grieving, if that's the reason we're doing it, where the right reframe can be useful when we're stuck so far in grieving that it's despair.  Bottom line is don't make it worse than it was, or better, focus on accepting what was.

But he also said I was his great love, which makes it pretty hard to let hope die.

Yeah, my ex said that too, about a number of men, I see it as borderline fantasyland, the need to retain attachments, since losing them is the worst thing that can happen for a borderline.  May not apply to your guy, but it certainly did to my gal.

But in the name of a healthy reframe, does hope have to die?  What if you just let go of it?  Letting go of something doesn't take much work, you just let go and let it fall away, although the more you value it, the harder it is to let go of.  Holding on to hope can be a barrier to detachment and grieving though, in fact you can't really detach unless you do; do you think that's been getting in the way of grieving?

You know what else he said? "I gave you dibs." Wow.

My ex could have said that, like she was some grand trophy.  I learned later that was the reactionary narcissism sitting on top of the BPD.

[steelwork]

But in the name of a healthy reframe, does hope have to die?  What if you just let go of it?  Letting go of something doesn't take much work, you just let go and let it fall away, although the more you value it, the harder it is to let go of.  

This is one of those koans that I can't seem to make sense of. How do you "just let go and let it fall away"? I don't see how that actually works.

[fromheeltoheal]

But in the name of a healthy reframe, does hope have to die?  What if you just let go of it?  Letting go of something doesn't take much work, you just let go and let it fall away, although the more you value it, the harder it is to let go of.  

This is one of those koans that I can't seem to make sense of. How do you "just let go and let it fall away"? I don't see how that actually works.

Valid question steelwork.  To me letting go of hope is the opposite of holding onto hope, of course both of those using a metaphorical object called hope.  So what is hope.  Hope as a noun is "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen", and really, a belief that whatever it is, is possible.  So letting go of hope would be a changing of that belief, refuting it, and starting to believe, and accept, that whatever it is, is not possible.  I had to let go of the belief, change the belief, that the fantasy relationship in my head could ever become real, I needed to accept that it was impossible, and since I'd invested a boatload of emotional energy in it, and it gave a bunch back, it was very painful, heartwrenchingly so, to no longer believe it was possible.  And it wasn't all fantasy, she'd do or say things at times that fed right into it, until the next mood in the unstable affect showed up, so I guess the fantasy was she would be consistently one way, or at least a narrower range of ways.  Nope.  But I found continuing to believe in that, holding onto hope, was getting in the way of my grieving and my detachment, so I had to let it go, had to change the belief.  Useful?

[patientandclear]

I find it useful to be agnostic. We just don't and can't know how all the ingredients we and others put into the stew are going to cook up. Wanting them to turn out a certain way doesn't make it so. But also, fearing that they won't turn out a certain way doesn't mean they can't. It's just ... .All already in the stew somehow.

Our job, it seems to me, is to put the best ingredients in that we can--and be aware and curious of what happens, including things we were not expecting. Other people, our BPD people but also others, are also putting ingredients in. Sometimes they do a poor job but sometimes they step up in surprising ways. We are only in charge of ours, of course, but we don't have to give up on their possibilities just because we don't control them. We will, ultimately, find out.

My long ago lost love in the story I told above had no way of knowing I was going to get my act together and realize what we had. All he controlled was not putting bad ingredients in--and he didn't. He put in good stuff and then he went about his business. Later, I did realize what was hanging in the balance, but he had no control over that (and I might very well not have). Sadly for me, by the time I did, his path had diverged from mine, but the point is, he did his part and didn't worry so much about what I did. He didn't control that.

I don't think we have to abandon all hope to abandon all sense of control. Something will happen! That we know. As Conundrum often writes, all things change. We can only do our best to contribute who we are.

[steelwork]

You're suggesting letting go of hope as an alternative to waiting for hope to die on its own, is that it? Exerting active, voluntary influence over it?

For me, belief isn't voluntary. I don't see how I can choose to believe something new. I have tried refuting the possibility that it could have worked--which is I think what patientandclear meant by "trying to make it less tragic with notions that somehow this is for the best or we're going to be stronger for it or you dodged a bullet," right?

In the end, there's too much ambiguity in the situation, and my mind can always construct a counter-scenario.

[fromheeltoheal]

You're suggesting letting go of hope as an alternative to waiting for hope to die on its own, is that it? Exerting active, voluntary influence over it?

For me, belief isn't voluntary. I don't see how I can choose to believe something new. I have tried refuting the possibility that it could have worked--which is I think what patientandclear meant by "trying to make it less tragic with notions that somehow this is for the best or we're going to be stronger for it or you dodged a bullet," right?

To get a little techie, what if our brain is a computer and beliefs are software?  And if we're running a disempowering belief or have belief conflicts, we can go in and delete what isn't serving us, what isn't empowering us.  That may sound a little hooey, but it's literally true: a strongly held belief is a belief for which there is a strong neural pathway in our brain, like a superhighway, where a weakly held belief is more of a narrow trail.

Example: say we didn't know how to swim, we knew that, and we believed we can't swim.  Then we learned to swim.  Still a little unsure, we'll do swimming pools but no lakes and certainly no oceans.  Then we swim some more, and end up going on that camping trip and swim in a lake.  And notice some of the kids were afraid of the water; they were running the belief that they can't swim.  We used to have that belief, we don't anymore, where did it go?  We installed a new belief, "I can swim", and then we looked for references to support it.  The more references we have to support a belief the stronger it is, it's how you turn a trail into a superhighway.  And conflicting superhighways wither and get overgrown with weeds.

So a way to investigate a belief is with questions: what needs does this belief meet?  At what level?  What will continuing to believe this cost me?  What is believing this getting in the way of?  What can I believe instead?

So yes, you can choose to believe something new, by choosing to believe it and looking for and creating references to support it, which builds neural pathways in your brain.  No really.  Now with something like the hope that a lost relationship may not be lost there's a huge emotional component too, because of what we're making it mean, and if what we're making it mean is meeting needs on a significant level, the neural pathway is thick.  So choosing to believe something else can come with significant emotional upheaval, it did for me, but the necessity can be found in questions like what is continuing to believe this costing me?

[steelwork]

Just to be clear--you see how this conflicts with patientandclear's advice, right?

The problem is that there is objective truth. You might not believe fully that you can swim while you're learning, but that's because you're learning to swim. I'm afraid I don't see how it applies in my situation. There may or may not be realistic hope. I don't know.

Maybe hope is the wrong word. Substitute with desire. Desire is not something so easily programmed. It's deep, emotional, soulful. It springs from buried experience. It's mysterious. I live in a world of mystery and ambiguity, probably because I'm an artist. I certainly don't recommend it to others, but for me there's no other way.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just to be clear--you see how this conflicts with patientandclear's advice, right?

Yes, which is one of the things that makes these boards great, we can take what resonates and leave the rest, and with something as complex as human nature there are no right ways, just the ways that work.

Maybe hope is the wrong word. Substitute with desire. Desire is not something so easily programmed. It's deep, emotional, soulful. It springs from buried experience. It's mysterious. I live in a world of mystery and ambiguity, probably because I'm an artist. I certainly don't recommend it to others, but for me there's no other way.

Yes, and we desire something because of what we make it mean.  As a tool to detach from my ex I made a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors she pulled during the relationship, and it grew as I remembered things, and I'd intentionally read and reread that list, as an intentional focus shift, a skewed perception of her of course, she wasn't all bad, but I needed to train my focus on that long enough to let my heart catch up to my head, which was the only thing I could trust at the time.  I intentionally made her undesireable to get time and distance and my feet back on the ground, because I knew I didn't want to be with her, it wouldn't have worked, and I was doing the right thing for me, and I'd like to think both of us.  And there's nothing objective about desire, isn't it all subjective?

I'm an engineer, so my technical slant on things may not work too well for an artist, but you might try it a little, the goal being to successfully detach, and with you missing him every day and fighting to not reach out, you're not there yet yes?

[steelwork]

As a tool to detach from my ex I made a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors she pulled during the relationship, and it grew as I remembered things, and I'd intentionally read and reread that list, as an intentional focus shift, a skewed perception of her of course, she wasn't all bad, but I needed to train my focus on that long enough to let my heart catch up to my head, which was the only thing I could trust at the time.  I intentionally made her undesireable to get time and distance and my feet back on the ground, because I knew I didn't want to be with her, it wouldn't have worked, and I was doing the right thing for me, and I'd like to think both of us.  

Thanks so much. I want you to know that I really do appreciate it, and I'm glad you had success with this approach.

A few things:

1. "because I knew I didn't want to be with her"

I'm not really in that place. If I were, I wouldn't be having such a hard time.

2. The procedure you describe is, I think, pretty much what D did to get over me. He told me, "I've never had to work so hard to get over anyone. I did CBT and ran 8 miles a day. I just decided that it wouldn't work."

He also said:
"You need to live off the land. You need a camel."

That's baloney. That's a story he made up to get over me. If he hadn't made that story up, seems like he would not have hardened against me. That hurt me so badly--him hardening against me, after all we'd meant to each other. And if he hadn't hardened against me, we might have had a fighting chance.

By the way, he's a software engineer.

I do have a list of unacceptable behaviors. I consult it and add to it regularly as a way to keep myself in check. But I'm not going to X out all the other things about him. I have reverence for his humanity, and I refuse to abandon that just so I can paint him black. That kind of thing may or may not help me "get over" him, but it's against everything I believe in. Also, it ultimately seems skin-deep to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I do have a list of unacceptable behaviors. I consult it and add to it regularly as a way to keep myself in check. But I'm not going to X out all the other things about him. I have reverence for his humanity, and for the person he is. I refuse to abandon that just so I can paint him black. That kind of thing may or may not help me "get over" him, but it's against everything I believe in. Also, it ultimately seems skin-deep to me.

Yes, it is skin deep to begin with, and unless we condition it and look for references to support it, it will stay skin deep.  I didn't install the belief that she's an evil abuser because that wasn't the intent, it was a tool I used to give myself time and distance and try to retain what was left of my sanity; I was seriously screwed up coming out of that relationship.  But since, having detached, I have a more balanced, compassionate version of her in my head, and I wish her well, although someone who abused me like she did is not allowed in my life in any capacity.

That's baloney. That's a story he made up to get over me. If he hadn't made that story up, seems like he would not have hardened against me. That hurt me so badly--him hardening against me, after all we'd meant to each other. And if he hadn't hardened against me, we might have had a fighting chance.

But it worked though right, at least towards his goals, which were different from yours.

By the way, he's a software engineer.

Pfft.  Damn engineers, we're everywhere!

1. "because I knew I didn't want to be with her"

I'm not really in that place. If I were, I wouldn't be having such a hard time.

And there's the core of it.  Unrequited love is very painful, been there, and I'm sorry steelwork.  So you have a choice to make, either continue to hang onto the hope, or desire, for a relationship that doesn't seem available to you, or find a way to let go yes?

[steelwork]

But it worked though right, at least towards his goals, which were different from yours.

I have the goal of getting out of pain, but not at any cost.

Maybe my goal is to get a carton of cigarette, and so I get a gun and rob a 7/11. Just because it achieved the goal, that does not make it okay. Painting a human being black is not okay to me. Maybe that's because I'm a writer, and believing in people is vital to what I do.

I would add to this: if it was so successful, why did he refuse (after first agreeing and then stringing me along) to sit down with me face to face?

Because the whole phony edifice would have crumbled if he looked me in the eye.

Unrequited love is very painful, been there, and I'm sorry steelwork.  So you have a choice to make, either continue to hang onto the hope, or desire, for a relationship that doesn't seem available to you, or find a way to let go yes?

It is, and thank you.


The thing is, you assume i have a choice, or the same choice you had, but we apparently have different values in the matter. I have yet to find a way to "just let go" without doing violence to my view of humanity.

[steelwork]

You know, and here's the thing: I don't think I could do this if I wanted to. It simply isn't how my brain works. I am always always saying in my head, "The opposite is also true." It's one of the good inheritances of my crazy upbringing. I just really can't put away my view of people as complex, flawed, and beautiful.

[kc sunshine]

This is such a helpful conversation-- thank you all for it.

Steelwork, your story resonates with mine in so many ways. I also have deep regrets about choices I made, things I could have done to make my ex feel more secure in the relationship.

When I think of what you've written here-- there were two very important things to you that conflicted with the relationship with your BPD ex: writing your book, and preserving some kind of friendship with your previous ex, or having an exit from that previous relationship that felt okay to you (aligned with your values and needs at the time). Could there have been a scenario in which you could have had it all? Was it BPD that made that have-it-all scenario so difficult or was it really impossible to have all three things that were important to you? I struggle with that question too.

[fromheeltoheal]

Painting a human being black is not okay to me.

It isn't OK with me either, although people without personality disorders have a range of grays in their palettes, pure black and pure white are reserved for the disordered and children.

I would add to this: if it was so successful, why did he refuse (after first agreeing and then stringing me along) to sit down with me face to face?

Shame probably, BPD is a shame-based disorder, and I know what would have happened with my ex had I done that, she'd go into hyperdrive with the hooey and the narcissism would show up, all defenses to not getting real and having a heart to heart.

The thing is, you assume i have a choice, or the same choice you had, but we apparently have different values in the matter. I have yet to find a way to "just let go" without doing violence to my view of humanity.

Well, you do have a choice on what you focus on, simply because it's impossible to focus on everything all at once.  So you could consciously start to shift your focus from him to you and from the past to the future, and create a compelling vision for that future, make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you'll be going on faith initially, but after a while you'll notice progress, which will build momentum, and after a while you'll be living that life, realizing the vision is just a target, and the goal is to live in the moment, enjoying the journey.  Sometimes the best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.