Options?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDw is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do... .

Last night she was trowing lamps and glassware at walls, cutting herself send me and my daughter emotionally and verbally abusive texts.

I have two daughters (11 and 13), I need my uBPDw out of the house; she needs acute help and treatment.

Do I have any options? She (my wife) knows something is wrong - she thinks she is just suffering from ptsd (from things of her past that she has been discussing with her therapist over the last several months - I think those discussions have been what have knocked the wheels of the proverbial bus)... Firday my wife even suggested that she might need to get into in patient care - I think I need her to do that ... .I think that is the right thing to do ... .how do I (can I) make that happen?

Overwhelmed and beside myself (to the extent that I even still exist),

GR

[Pine Knoll]

My uBPDw is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do... .

Last night she was trowing lamps and glassware at walls, cutting herself send me and my daughter emotionally and verbally abusive texts.

I have two daughters (11 and 13), I need my uBPDw out of the house; she needs acute help and treatment.

Do I have any options? She (my wife) knows something is wrong - she thinks she is just suffering from ptsd (from things of her past that she has been discussing with her therapist over the last several months - I think those discussions have been what have knocked the wheels of the proverbial bus)... Firday my wife even suggested that she might need to get into in patient care - I think I need her to do that ... .I think that is the right thing to do ... .how do I (can I) make that happen?

Overwhelmed and beside myself (to the extent that I even still exist),

GR

[david]

Did you record it ? Did you call the police to get a police report ?

[Pine Knoll]

I took pictures ... and told several friends about it. I was not prepared to call the police last night... .and my ironically enough, moments ago, my daughters asked me what happen to the wall.

[david]

If she is willing to go for in patient therapy then maybe her therapist can help with where to go.

If uBPDw is unwilling to get help then I would call the police the next time and have them remove her from the premises for the children's and your safety. They can take her to an emergency room at a nearby hospital. You can contact her therapist at that time and help set things in motion.

[Pine Knoll]

David - shs is not yet willing to go in patient. She had actually brought I up two days ago. Ironically, I effectively (too effectively) got her to calm down this morning. I brought it up as something to consider and she said... ."Well... .now that I know I have you... I don't think I need it" ... ___! Sorry, don't mean to offend anyone, but that is the word that went through my mind ... .

So will the police come and remove her from the house after something like that? ... She did not throw the things at me ... But rather at the wall after I left the room. Can I call after the fact (like an hour later after she has cooled down?) I expect this will happen again and my thought is ... .If it does happen again, let her remain isolated in the bed room, have a friend come and get our girls ... .Then have the police come ... .So our duaghters do not need to see that ... .How does that enfold?

Thanks for your thoughts and guidance.

GR

[david]

The police need to witness what is going on. If everything is calm why should they remove someone ?
Leaving the house (you and the kids) may not be a good idea either because the courts may view that as abandonment (the house) and let uBPDw stay there and you are out. You need to talk to an attorney about that. It depends on the local rules.
Courts generally look at things that occurred over the last six months or so. Things older than that are usually not considered in court.
Having a friend come to get the girls may be a good idea as long as you have proof. You need to talk to an attorney about that too.
Find out about recording. If you are allowed I would get an small audio recorder, without uBPDw knowing, and record the incidents. A video recorder may be handy too.
If you wait a long time the obvious question in court will be , "why did you wait so long if you thought it was serious?" I had that asked of me and my response was that I was trying to help my then wife. That answer was not good for court. If she is a danger than you need to do something right then and there as in call the police. My ex was seeing a therapist at the time and that didn't matter in court.

[ForeverDad]

There is a time factor to consider.  While you can report multiple incidents, the farther you go back in time, the weaker those incidents support your action.  The lawyers use the term 'stale' or less actionable.

My feeling is that if you file for RO and divorce writing "last month she... ." or "last week she... ." then you might not get very much court intervention.  Like emergency services, if it isn't ongoing or had recently/just happened then due to the timing of the report it has less chance of being seen as 'actionable'.

My point is that emergency responders need to be contacted and involved promptly, immediately.  However, be prepared with documentation of what really happened because often when the police or paramedics arrive the dysfunctional person will feel cornered and try to (1) deny or (2) blame-shift claiming you're the problem person.

Your spouse has some level of awareness of her actions and that they're damaging.  Maybe she won't obstruct or sabotage you if you call in the emergency responders, but you can't count on it.

[Kowalski]

Don't hesitate to call the police or some 3rd party who can witness the behavior and/or help. There are so many times I wish I had and should have called the police, paramedics or my UstbxBPD/NPDw's mother. Because I never did, it's only my word as witness of things.

[uniquename]

In our area, and in many, some counties have crisis units they will come to your house. Also there can be specially trained police in crisis intervention. If they don't have the first, at least ask for the second.

[david]

You may want to go to the police station and talk to them about how they handle such things. Let them explain your options in your area.

[ForeverDad]

Understand that such actions as this, researching your options and talking to various professionals, is considered confidential.  You are under no obligation to share your concerns or your actions based on your concerns with your misbehaving spouse.  Otherwise, there are risks that she could try to maneuver you into being framed or claimed as the abuser and aggressor.  That is, she is likely to try to make you appear worse than her.  Some sort of natural defensive reaction is typical for many but often an over-reaction when someone is unbalanced.