She seems back with NPD

[Edward1981]

Hey everyone,

From what I am seeing on social media of my ex BPD, she has been recently liking all the pictures of the ex NPD she was with before me for 4 years. She then dated me for 8 months and then another guy for 4 months. And the ex recently went back to New York and spend quite a lot of time there, where I am sure they hooked up and tried to patch things up.

I know I have asked this question before but is it possible that their relationship now miraculously works without going to therapy and addressing major core issues? They had a turbulent relationship according to her before me for 4 years. Is it possible that they have had a sit down talk and "worked through stuff" and that now all of a sudden it works? It feels so painful that after her telling me that "she would never go back to him" etc etc she is now all of a sudden back on the guy's radar and they are properly back in touch. I guess she is his supply.

In the meanwhile I was thinking whether I should get in touch or not but I know that now there would be absolutely no point.

Give me thoughts.

Thanks,

Edward1981

[rfriesen]

Hi Edward 

I can imagine it would be painful to picture your ex back with a previous boyfriend that she told you was completely behind her. I know I would feel confused, hurt, and betrayed.

Is it possible they've hit on a "miraculous" fix and are working things out? Well, miracles aside, we cannot truly know what is going on in our exes' lives. It can be very hard to stop obsessing about it, but even obsessing doesn't give us the answers we want. Without knowing more about their relationship, I suppose anything is possible. That can be a scary thought and hard to accept when we feel no control over what we fear. So many of us here can relate to the feelings you're going through.

Are you able to turn your mind, at least partially, to questions you can perhaps begin to answer for yourself? What is it you fear if your ex and her previous bf work things out? That you would have to let go of hope of her returning? Do you hope to reconcile with your ex? Are you prepared for the possibility that won't happen? If so, are you able to envision some of things that bring you happiness independently of your ex?

I know how hard it can be to stop wondering what the ex is up to. It can help to try turning just a little bit of that focus back on ourselves and asking what it is that we're really longing for. It's a slow process for sure, and it takes a lot of little steps. Finally, though, we turn our energy and focus back on our own lives and needs and hopes and plans ... .

[UnforgivenII]

A crazy one with another crazy one
What a lovely picture
"I love you so much" then armies of lovers and warehouses of supplies

[married21years]

she will make work whatever she needs to make work, until forced to look for a new supply.

you have to remember they are toxic, them to us are like . are like alcohol to an alcoholic.

we know we will get hurt and injured. like an alcoholic.

but they take our pain away, as we worry and fixate on them 

time to go cold turkey 

[Moselle]

she will make work whatever she needs to make work

This is true. They are very good at acting to make stuff work in the short term. It suits her in this moment. Who knows what suits her in the next moment or in a moment 2 years from now.

One thing that is guaranteed, is that it takes a long period (years) of sustained treatment to make any difference to BPD and NPD. There is no way for them to sit around the table and work things out as you suggest they might.

[married21years]

moselle is right 

i was looking at 10 years of therapy with my ex, and i offered to stand by there through it but it had to be her decision.

i offered to pay and support her.

she declined

all this time she was using me while lining up a replacement. fishing for mr wonderful.

but reality was distorted and she couldn't see she already had him!

 

[Moselle]

but reality was distorted and she couldn't see she already had him!

 

[Edward1981]

I can see she is still liking the ex's pics on Instagram. They are currently not in the same city.

A part of me wants to reach out as I find it detrimental that she is back talking to him after everything she said about him... .

It's like a part of me wants the fix. Haven't spoken to her in 9 weeks and a part of me is angry that I don't have the connection with her that the ex has as they were together for 4 years... .

I keep thinking of the consequences if I do reach out. I walked away my head high and it would be a huge set back if she gives me the silent treatment. Even if she does engage, I don't see her letting go of this guy as he is her safety net. But a part of me is pissed that I can't provide what he seems to be providing. Even though I a much more confident person than he is, she still would not jeopardise their relationship for ours. I was in second place.

I just saw a pic of her in my phone and I had forgotten I gorgeous she was physically. It's like a part of me wants to reach out to her just to get that fix. But I feel that at this point she has probably built up a lot of anger and resentment towards me because I walked away and didn't chase or beg.

Please advise. A voice inside of me says if I had pushed harder, things could have been different. The other guy (NPD) because of his own issues I guess never gave up. Always pursued her aggressively even when we were together.

I feel like every day that goes by, her memory of me is fading away, and chances of us being united again are getting slimmer and slimmer. Even though I know in the long run the disorder wins?

[drained1996]

"Even though I know in the long run the disorder wins?"

Edward, I've followed your recent posts, and I empathize with your situation.  You seem to have a fairly firm grasp on BPD... .yet, you seem unable to plug that into your own personal equation. 
You seem to be looking for what you know at best would be a temporary fix for your own loneliness.  I get the pull, I've been there, the allure of her is undeniable... .but you seem to know the outcome even if she does reciprocate your contact.  Is that the answer you are looking for, a temporary fix to an issue that is soley yours... .your loneliness? 
What if she doesn't answer back... .how will you feel then?

I get ruminating over such things, as I did it over a long period of time, and quite frankly it sucked!  I had to make a decision for ME to work on ME.  Essentially that started with the Radical Acceptance that my pwBPD was mentally ill and could not provide me with a healthy adult relationship which I know I deserve... .don't you?

Edward, have you thought it might be time to stop checking on social media about your ex?  It is obviously causing you pain, and prolonging you from getting on track to heal yourself into a better person.  Ask yourself why you would continue to do something that causes you pain?
Is it time to work on you Edward?... .you are the only person in the equation you have control over... .

[Edward1981]

Thanks for your response Drained1996.

Yes I know you are right about the Social Media, I guess It is the only thing keeping me attached to her and that is why I am hanging out. Without it she is totally gone and that is why I am having a hard time totally letting go of it, even though I know in the long-run it is for the best... .

I feel like a drug addict who has not had his hit... .

[drained1996]

"I feel like a drug addict who has not had his hit... ."

I've seen that said here on more than several occasions and it seems to aptly describe what we non's can go through in this phase of detachment.
I would like to see you answer some of the questions in my previous post, and share them with us if you are comfortable with that.  I'm thinking you typing your answers may very well help you understand where you are... .and where you may need to be going. 
You wanna give that a try?

[Edward1981]

drained1996

To answer question, yes this is very much my loneliness. I know that the answers lie within. It's just when I see the alluring pictures there is an incredible pull. It's strange. If she doesn't answer back, it will set me back a long way and reopen a wound which I am trying to heal. But I guess I will walk away saying that I gave it my last shot? It is indeed a double edged sword. But I keep reminding myself of the final outcome.

Yes I do deserve a healthy relationship.

I keep looking at her social media to hope that she stops following the guy, but then again that won't resolve anything. Because there will always be a replacement. What a crazy disorder. Sometimes I say to myself what if she doesn't have the disorder? What if I am making all this up when in fact she just couldn't let go of the ex?

I have been in therapy for over 4 years and have resolved a lot of childhood wounds. I clearly have more work to do. that's the crazy thing though, despite the fact that I have done a lot of deep work on myself, I still fell for this woman. And am still having great difficulty of letting go of the idea that we won't reunite one day. Have never had such a sudden withdrawal from a relationship, where it comes to an end so suddenly.