Need help on detaching

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, try to keep it as brief and concise as possible. Met someone online almost 2 years ago. Started a long distance friendship(we live on opposite coasts). Met a few months later. Numerous red flags before initial meeting, angry texts, learning of promiscuity, issues with mother etc. But still I pursued the relationship. Fast forward to now, we've grown very close, many visits, but also so so many conflicts. To the point I've started questioning my sanity. I love yous have been traded. Well, before my last visit, I was sensing that another person had some into the picture. And I was right. And because Bpd sufferers a lot of time are only looking out for themselves, I met this new person. Lovely. My visit was in May. Today she told me that this new person has asked her to move in with her. Mind you they've known each other for 4 months. I've tried cutting off contact out of self preservation but always have been sucked back in. She seems to think we should still be able to maintain a friendship and I'm thinking no way can I do that. It's toxic, I know. My question is, how do I detach and get on with my life? I know this is not healthy.

[Work it out]

Hi all, try to keep it as brief and concise as possible. Met someone online almost 2 years ago. Started a long distance friendship(we live on opposite coasts). Met a few months later. Numerous red flags before initial meeting, angry texts, learning of promiscuity, issues with mother etc. But still I pursued the relationship. Fast forward to now, we've grown very close, many visits, but also so so many conflicts. To the point I've started questioning my sanity. I love yous have been traded. Well, before my last visit, I was sensing that another person had some into the picture. And I was right. And because Bpd sufferers a lot of time are only looking out for themselves, I met this new person. Lovely. My visit was in May. Today she told me that this new person has asked her to move in with her. Mind you they've known each other for 4 months. I've tried cutting off contact out of self preservation but always have been sucked back in. She seems to think we should still be able to maintain a friendship and I'm thinking no way can I do that. It's toxic, I know. My question is, how do I detach and get on with my life? I know this is not healthy.

[married21years]

 

welcome to the club, we have cookies 

there are three options.

NC fastest and healthiest detachment

LC medium recovery and some pain, much harder boundary to enforce

FC there be dragons. most painful but you dont have to set any boundaries and expect to be recycled.

your level of contact depends on your ability to set and enforce boundaries.

only you can decide but best thing to do is read a lot!

if she is truly BPD READ!

[gotbushels]

Hi Work it out 

Welcome to the boards. Going through a relationship, breakup, and some sort of dilemma with a third party and with a pwBPD is often very difficult to deal with. Getting sucked back in also seems frustrating for you, it is like that for many of us here--even to a great degree. These relationships are difficult.

Detachment often requires some level of acknowledgement and healthy doses of self-compassion. I encourage you to visit the links on the right sidebar of this page to assess how you want to process this.

You seem to know what BPD is. This description may supplement your understanding. Perhaps you can share more about how you think the traits affected you and your relationship? 

I look forward to hearing more of your story. 

[Work it out]

Thanks for the responses. As of right now, after a very brief conversation last weekend, and a text following, I would say we are in LC. She said she misses talking to me but that she is in a different space right now and that she wishes things were different. Also, she misses our "friendship."(She was very good at deciding when we should be friends and when it was more than that.)

I replied in maybe a passive aggressive way

[hurting300]

Have you ask her what her intention is with you? And how are you maintaining healthy boundaries?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Work it out,

I'd like to join the other members in welcoming you to the forum. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has broken down, at least from what it was; that is so painful. I understand what you mean by the relationship not being healthy—I felt that way, too. Unfortunately, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to detach.

You've come to the right place for support. Things really DO get better; they have for me, and they can for you, too. As    gotbushels said, I encourage you to read the steps on the right sidebar------> They will take you through the process of detachment.

I'd say the very first step, though, is a decision from you about what you want from this relationship. Do you want to attempt to be friends? Do you want to detach completely? There are various tools to use in each scenario; for example, building a friendship with someone with BPD/traits takes good communication skills, lots of validation, and very strong boundaries. Detachment requires a grieving of the loss, self-care, and work on our own dysfunctional patterns of relating (of course, all the tools are good for all relationships, too!).

Here is an article that really helped me to understand what I was dealing with after my breakup. Perhaps you've seen it? I'd love to hear your thoughts:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep writing, Work it out. It helps a lot. We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole