Maybe I didn't move on. Maybe I'm still bitter.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Could I be bitter? Maybe I think I'm moving forward like a train but I'm stuck in the mud. It is painful to have another person in my place. I didn't abandon my family, just the total opposite. I spent the past 9 1/2 years of my precious life and one massive brain tumour to try to show her how much I'm there for her and s9. Maybe I can't look after my family. She never felt protected with me and that was a big thing with her, " you have to protect me" so confusing, ok but from what was always the question I asked myself. What is moving forward? Did she? She has a nice house, good job, money, man in her life, does family things, has from what I see a total complete life. If I was such a horrable person as I was often called, how did she move so fast? Why am I alone? Working so hard to unscramble the mess in my brain. I was never over flowing with confidence, her BF is very athletic and out going. I was a kind husband, good provider, hard worker. I drank but I quit drinking years ago. I didn't do unrepairable damage to my marriage. I was as husbands go, a good husband. And very willing to look at my self and change things to make it work. If she did move on or if people move on do they continue to emotionally abuse there ex partner? She is totally, still 100% unreasonable to deal with, still lies, s9's money is always there, she never once had to worry about money but she continued to send belittling texts about money, she named her friend as the emergency contact number for s9 day camp. It's like I don't exhist in s9's life, a ghost, a nothing. I have an older son, not from my ex wife. She said so cold and cruel more than once, you have one son not in your life what's one more. What is that? Yes I made mistakes but I pay for them every day. I never hid anything from my ex wife. Her life is so fulfilled and I'm struggling mentally. If I was so horrible shouldn't she be struggling but she moved on pretty fast. All those years she manuplate me with sex and when I pushed for more access to s9 she dropped me like a hot potato and had another man that fast.

[bus boy]

Could I be bitter? Maybe I think I'm moving forward like a train but I'm stuck in the mud. It is painful to have another person in my place. I didn't abandon my family, just the total opposite. I spent the past 9 1/2 years of my precious life and one massive brain tumour to try to show her how much I'm there for her and s9. Maybe I can't look after my family. She never felt protected with me and that was a big thing with her, " you have to protect me" so confusing, ok but from what was always the question I asked myself. What is moving forward? Did she? She has a nice house, good job, money, man in her life, does family things, has from what I see a total complete life. If I was such a horrable person as I was often called, how did she move so fast? Why am I alone? Working so hard to unscramble the mess in my brain. I was never over flowing with confidence, her BF is very athletic and out going. I was a kind husband, good provider, hard worker. I drank but I quit drinking years ago. I didn't do unrepairable damage to my marriage. I was as husbands go, a good husband. And very willing to look at my self and change things to make it work. If she did move on or if people move on do they continue to emotionally abuse there ex partner? She is totally, still 100% unreasonable to deal with, still lies, s9's money is always there, she never once had to worry about money but she continued to send belittling texts about money, she named her friend as the emergency contact number for s9 day camp. It's like I don't exhist in s9's life, a ghost, a nothing. I have an older son, not from my ex wife. She said so cold and cruel more than once, you have one son not in your life what's one more. What is that? Yes I made mistakes but I pay for them every day. I never hid anything from my ex wife. Her life is so fulfilled and I'm struggling mentally. If I was so horrible shouldn't she be struggling but she moved on pretty fast. All those years she manuplate me with sex and when I pushed for more access to s9 she dropped me like a hot potato and had another man that fast.

[married21years]

we have to accept what has happened and we all do it at our own pace.

you are grieving and everyone does it at their own pace.

you invested and sacrificed so much. that is why it is so painful.

but you know in your heart she cant make it work with anyone until she gets help. 

so is this relationship likely to work?

just pity the fool that has filled your shoes, dont be envious of him.

you can do so much better, and will   

[bus boy]

Thank you. I see the glow in her eyes when she looks at him. When she looked at me, her eyes looked like the bottom of a coal bucket. I'm probably filling in blanks in her r/s. It is the pain of so much invested time. A few years ago after my brain surgery she left me stranded at the hospital. I was discharged, 3 hours from home, unable to walk without a walker, very mentally demoralizing. She started on my family again. Through the whole brain tumour process, I left my family out. Saw this as a chance for us, she was there so much for me. My family was worried sick but they accepted I wanted my ex in my life. Twice at the last second, going out the door to the hospital for my surgery she started on my family and threatened to not drive me, being wheeled into surgery she started on my family again. They came to visit, she left the hospital back for home. I was sitting in the tv lounge with no money not knowing what my future held. Mentally beat. 12 hr under the knife, having a tumour scraped of my brain stem. 12 days in the recovery in the hospital and a year off work, healing. When I was discharged and she started again, I had enough and called my dad. I left him out in the cold when I was dying and he dropped everything to come to the city and get me home. My ex drove me crazy texting and calling. She didn't care about me she was only concerned with who picked me up. I told her and she verbally and mentally abused me on the phone for 1/2 hr. I felt I deserved this and took let. I was crying my eyes out. I was staying at my fathers, she made no attempt to take my son to see me. Drove me crazy asking when I was going to be at my own home. Twisting it back on me that if I missed my son so much why wasn't I at my own house. 2 weeks later was Xmas and I was the last to see my son. She text me Xmas morning asking if I was home, I said no but will text when I get home. I text her I was home and 7 hours later she showed up with my son. I say home alone all day on Xmas waiting for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi bus boy-

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful.  And you are going through it.

Could I be bitter? Maybe I think I'm moving forward like a train but I'm stuck in the mud.

Anger is a normal response to abuse, and it's also a stage of grieving, so no worries on anger.  Now bitterness, that's when anger solidifies and takes root, becomes a permanent part of you; you're not there yet, because you're here talking to us and processing, just keep doing that and you'll move through the anger stage to whatever's next, but surely, it's a move towards both peace and extra wisdom if you keep moving, one day at a time.

What is moving forward? Did she? She has a nice house, good job, money, man in her life, does family things, has from what I see a total complete life.

Moving forward is doing exactly what you're doing, feeling everything all the way and processing.  And really, you can't see inside her relationship with this new person; it may look great on the outside, but we can't know what it's like in it, the only things you know are her and how she treated you.  And on some level it's good to be free of that?  Anyway, think back to how it was in the beginning of your 9 1/2 years together; was it good?  Relationships with borderlines follow a progression, from idealization to devaluation, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but always; doesn't matter who this guy is, he's not as strong as the disorder, and he can't fix it, just like you couldn't.

Working so hard to unscramble the mess in my brain.

There's you moving forward, processing, not becoming bitter.

If she did move on or if people move on do they continue to emotionally abuse there ex partner?

BPD is a shame-based disorder, and if she takes any responsibility for the demise of the marriage she would melt into a puddle of shame, so you have to be the bad guy, a place to offload all her responsibilities for anything that happened in the relationship along with her negative opinions of herself, so she doesn't have to feel it.  And it's now up to you how much you put up with.

She is totally, still 100% unreasonable to deal with, still lies,... .continued to send belittling texts... .She said so cold and cruel more than once,

The less of that you tolerate the better, let the new guy deal with it.

Her life is so fulfilled

You still don't really know that right?  And if she exhibits traits of this disorder she's still with herself, which is it's own living hell.

If I was so horrible shouldn't she be struggling but she moved on pretty fast.

Because she has to; borderlines, folks without a fully formed self of their own, can feel that they literally don't exist without an attachment, so it's mandatory.  And "attachment" doesn't mean healthy, functional relationship, it just means attachment.

All those years she manuplate me with sex and when I pushed for more access to s9 she dropped me like a hot potato and had another man that fast.

Have you posted on the Co-parenting board bus boy?  As your son's father you have legal rights, and there are lots of folks on that board who are dealing with what you're dealing with, you might check in with them.

Take care of you!