Ex BPD gf seems to be in devaluation stage .

[Splitblack4good]

Hi all if you have read my recent threads you will be familiar with the story .

Ex came back from her holiday with my lesbian replacement last weds and instead she pick our son up the moment she landed after dumping him on my doorstep the day she went . I wouldn't stop her from seeing him as she is his mum . I knew it wouldn't be just that easy for her to just pick him up and go and thought it would be a valid reason for her to want to talk to me at the same time. I told her I didn't wish to know the ins and outs of her new relationship.
She proceeded to anyway telling me that she doesn't love her new girlfriend (bearing in mind they have been engaged for 3 weeks) saying that it's more she loves having her around . Then said that she's hostile towards me all the time coz she loves me!  .
Anyway moving a few days and I had my son over the weekend and she's texting me constantly telling me how they have been arguing all the time and the fact my replacement can't handle the fact that we have a child together and that I have to contact her regards to our son and that she's on her back about it all the time .

My ex was even arguing with my replacement last night as I dropped our son off . My ex told me to wait outside for a few minutes while she ends the fight between them ! So I did wait to be met with my replacement storming out of the house giving me the most evil of looks !
I asked my ex why she has given me a nasty look and she said she's jeloues that we communicate with each other about our son . I clearly stated I won't be involved and that she should sort things out with her fiancé.

All last night my ex was texting me saying nasty things about my replacement and that all night they had been arguing.

I stood my ground and told her I don't wish to know about her relationship with her and to only communicate with me regards to our son and havnt heard anything since until an hour ago she rang me and said there is a parcel there for me and could I pick it up today . I said I will pick it up Wednesday when I pick up our son and she said no please pick it up today .
I said I was busy with work and couldn't.

I'm now wondering why my ex is behaving in this way ? Any comments or opinions welcome please.

[married21years]

its simple, all is not rosy in the garden of eden anymore, she is probably not gay just being gay to get attention from this girl.

she is thinking you will be a better source of supply and putting out feelers?

my best guess 

[Splitblack4good]

She's also asking if we can be freinds and to stop all this arguing! (She was arguing with me not both of us ) she even insisted on telling me that her and her new gf hadn't been intimate! But I know that's lies as our mutual freind told me how she was bragging that how good the sex was with her new gf and other details that make me feel sick when I think about it   I really don't know what or how to react to any of this . All I do know is she has hurt me way to much more so this time with turning gay accussed me of making her that way and saying it's all my fault (she ended our relationship) I'd say the reality that we all live in has finally come to her reality and now is thinking what just happened! I've told her not to try coming back this time I just hope she's not trying to sabotage the new relationship with my replacement in order to try and suck me back in. I've remained strong so far and continue to do so .

[fromheeltoheal]

I stood my ground and told her I don't wish to know about her relationship with her and to only communicate with me regards to our son

That is very good boundary setting and enforcing SB4G.

I'm now wondering why my ex is behaving in this way?

Relationships with borderlines go through stages, idealization to devaluation, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always the progression.  Their relationship may have gone through the stages quickly, plus the other gal brings her own stuff to the relationship, like we all do, and their relationship will have its own dynamic.

She's also asking if we can be freinds and to stop all this arguing!

The attachment with the new gal is faltering, so she's seeing if an attachment is still in place with you.  Borderlines need attachments.

All I do know is she has hurt me way to much more so this time with turning gay accussed me of making her that way and saying it's all my fault

Because the alternative is to take responsibility for her actions, which would likely trigger shame, so it has to be all your fault, when really it's rarely all one person's fault, it's the dynamic of the relationship.  

I've told her not to try coming back this time I just hope she's not trying to sabotage the new relationship with my replacement in order to try and suck me back in. I've remained strong so far and continue to do so .

Good for you SB4G!  You say she's hurt you way too much, and you're dealing with it by being strong and setting boundaries, a good way to deal with it.  And she can only suck you back in if you let her, as you take your power back yes?

[Splitblack4good]

Yes I'm trying to hold my boundaries in place along with my dignity. I'm not saying or denying it's not going to be easy however needs to be done she's gone way to far this time .

She claims to have been going to therapy for her BPD and disscused her last session with me and that she knows now there are grey areas in between her black and white thinking and that she knows that her emotions are out of control. The reason she claims to be going to therapy is that her feelings were causing her to much pain .
All this doesn't mean that she still done what she done latley and I told her that aswell.
I was supprissed however that the way she explained things to me about it's not always black and white was a good start but a start to a long way from being close to having a loving relationship.

[fromheeltoheal]

The reason she claims to be going to therapy is that her feelings were causing her to much pain .

That's good too SB4G, some ownership of her own emotions, instead of projecting and blaming everyone else, and a desire to do something about it.  You would know if you believe her or not, but that would be best for her and your son as well as you yes?

[Splitblack4good]

The reason she claims to be going to therapy is that her feelings were causing her to much pain .

That's good too SB4G, some ownership of her own emotions, instead of projecting and blaming everyone else, and a desire to do something about it.  You would know if you believe her or not, but that would be best for her and your son as well as you yes?

I'm glad she's going to therapy I told her I was proud of her for doing that and validated her as much as I could and she openly admits she has BPD . I told her straight that I understand why she has it and that its not entirely her fault however I also told her it doesn't excuse her behaviour especially not lately .
She also realises that other people's feelings need to be taken into account when she does these things but I told her again I'm glad you are starting to understand this and only time in therapy will help you most and who knows what the future holds and that I don't hate her I love her for giving me a fantastic son but in the meantime I can not be with her  you have hurt me far too much and I need time to heal .

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPD gf has devalued and discarded my lesbian replacement in less than 12 hours and brutally cut her out of her life with no remorse . I dropped my son off today and heard  my ex ordering her now devalued object to clear all her possessions from her house and do it quickly what ever you leave behind will be thrown in the bin get out you dirty pig !
That's all I heard of the drama that I was witnessing while sat in my car on the driveway of my exs house .

My ex has never discarded someone so savage from that I'm aware of . I had it lightly it would seem in comparison .

It was a massive eye opener for me and actualy showed how little I know about BPD when I thought I knew a fair amount . My replacement I can only imagine left there thinking what the hell just happened and what is going on in my life right now ! 12 hours ago I was engaged loved so dearly to being savagely tossed away like a burger wrapper !

I looked at her and felt that pain she was in shock from .

The scary thing was what happened next . I walked up to the door and said to my ex "every thing ok ? " my ex smiled at me and said " yer great how are you " like the events that unfolded 30 seconds previous didnt happen . WOW !

[heartandwhole]

Hi SplitBlack,

Wow is right.    That is an eye-opener. What are your feelings about this? How can you use this latest information to help you detach?

heartandwhole