Would you consider it dangerous to contact a pwBPD who has painted you black?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If you've ever reached out to a pwBPD while painted black what has happened?
Were you given threats, false accusations, restraining orders etc.
Is it too risky to just say hello to your particular pwBPD?
What can you expect or have experienced while painted black?

[Curiously1]

If you've ever reached out to a pwBPD while painted black what has happened?
Were you given threats, false accusations, restraining orders etc.
Is it too risky to just say hello to your particular pwBPD?
What can you expect or have experienced while painted black?

[FallBack!Monster]

Since her revelation, I have said some pretty nasty words to her. I tried to apologize but black is black.

She threatened to call the cops on me for reasons i won't share here but untrue.

I visit once. She new I was on my way but acted very strange and nasty.  Truth is, I'm not sure why I went. I really and truly don't.

In regards to how risky, I know that mine changes mask every time I've seen her in the past few months. The speech is different as well. I would say, highly risky. 

I've never received deadly threats or of a restraining order but she is very capable. Right now she hates me, it feels like and I was the nice one.

 Think with your head not with your emotions. You know him/her capabilities more than any of us. Is s/he capable of harming you?

I'm not going near her house ever again . Too unpredictable for me

[Herodias]

Yes to everything you just said... .or sometimes silence. For some reason I seem to be painted white again all of a sudden. I suppose he wants something. Don't even bother unless you have to and then you have to be sweet as honey. I made the mistake of being mad and got myself into all kinds of trouble. Not worth it!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Curiously, What's the point?  Presumably you are hoping/expecting to get a particular response?  If so, what is it?  It may be unrealistic to anticipate a friendly reception.  LJ

[VitaminC]

Hi FallBackMonster,

are you asking because you are considering getting in touch with your ex pwBPD or out of general curiosity?

If you are considering getting in touch and wondering what you can expect to have happen, I would say that depends on factors within your relationship, your ex' current mental state, and your own mental state and approach.

Why do you want to get in touch, if you do? To rekindle the relationship, to check in? What would you like to have happen? Have you looked over the Tools (right up top on every page of the site) and done any bit of work with them? I've found them really helpful just in getting a bit more connected to what my expectations are and then seeing how those line up with reality.

[Curiously1]

Hi FallBackMonster,

are you asking because you are considering getting in touch with your ex pwBPD or out of general curiosity?

If you are considering getting in touch and wondering what you can expect to have happen, I would say that depends on factors within your relationship, your ex' current mental state, and your own mental state and approach.

Why do you want to get in touch, if you do? To rekindle the relationship, to check in? What would you like to have happen? Have you looked over the Tools (right up top on every page of the site) and done any bit of work with them? I've found them really helpful just in getting a bit more connected to what my expectations are and then seeing how those line up with reality.

My ex is also BPD but not an ex. A past love affair who I wanted to stay friends with. I enjoyed hanging out and I liked how she was non-committal. I said something she didn't want to hear and it escalated from there and she painted me black. Cops were involved and that is why I am afraid of saying hello again. A week after the incident, I avoided going near any place she could be at while out but ended up catching her walking near me. A friend and I weren't sure if she was stalking but it was  coincidental to see her as I rarely do and she was at a place I don't think she normally goes to (whole point why I chose to go someplace else). It was just strange. Friend told me that perhaps she was ashamed about her overreaction so I've been thinking about that lately but she hasn't contacted me ever since and maybe its because of shame. Well she was the one who said that she doesn't want to see me in a million years or more so that's why I doubt she would ever reach out again.  I know I need to just focus on myself, which I have been doing. I won't do anything impulsively, it was just a wish I had that things could be civil again between the two of us but it might not be possible.  Also, I'm not sure if sending one text is safe or not. Never know if she's painted me white again.

[Curiously1]

Since her revelation, I have said some pretty nasty words to her. I tried to apologize but black is black.

She threatened to call the cops on me for reasons i won't share here but untrue.

I visit once. She new I was on my way but acted very strange and nasty.  Truth is, I'm not sure why I went. I really and truly don't.

In regards to how risky, I know that mine changes mask every time I've seen her in the past few months. The speech is different as well. I would say, highly risky. 

I've never received deadly threats or of a restraining order but she is very capable. Right now she hates me, it feels like and I was the nice one.

 Think with your head not with your emotions. You know him/her capabilities more than any of us. Is s/he capable of harming you?

I'm not going near her house ever again . Too unpredictable for me

I know that what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling about this whole I want to contact her again thing is foolish. She is unpredictable and I know she's capable of doing some damage.

[Curiously1]

Yes to everything you just said... .or sometimes silence. For some reason I seem to be painted white again all of a sudden. I suppose he wants something. Don't even bother unless you have to and then you have to be sweet as honey. I made the mistake of being mad and got myself into all kinds of trouble. Not worth it!

She's a bit on the avoidant side and I know she doesn't like spending too much time with people for too long or didn't think she wanted a relationship. I thought she was okay with me not knowing what I wanted  too and everything was fine but she suddenly flipped after hearing what I had to say. She was pretty upset about it asking what I wanted from her like it was really bothering her not knowing what we were. I asked her the same and she told me she wanted nothing. She turned really cold after I told her that and then she pretended I wasn't in the room and just smoked and then did her makeup ready to leave. I told her to come and talk it out and all she said was that 'I should know' and to give her space. Back then I was stubborn and insisted she tell me because I wanted to resolve things on the spot and I didn't know any better basically and it escalated. I told her what worried me and that I thought things were fine and she concluded that I am too emotional for her and yeah that she didnt want to see me in a million years.

[Curiously1]

Yes to everything you just said... .or sometimes silence. For some reason I seem to be painted white again all of a sudden. I suppose he wants something. Don't even bother unless you have to and then you have to be sweet as honey. I made the mistake of being mad and got myself into all kinds of trouble. Not worth it!

About a year ago I stopped talking to her for a particular reason. Basically we were on and off but not because of splitting (she only told me she had BPD during the incident so I had no idea and she didn't split me back then). I just left and then checked in with her again months later. She would just remain silent if I messaged but I tried messaging do you want to hang out one time surprisingly she replied and when we met again it was as if nothing ever happened. Didn't even say who I was so she still had my number saved. But I know it's risky. Last time we ha a falling out the cops were involved and like you, I might be putting myself into too much trouble if I reach out. I want things to be ok between us and I haven't let that go yet.

[VitaminC]

So your question relates to an ex partner, who has BPD, with whom you just want to rekindle a friendship? But the last time you spoke there were cops involved because of some kind of disagreement or misunderstanding? And then you happened to see her somewhere that you don't usually go, but you did not speak to each other?

Have I got all that right?

If you've been reading about BPD as a disorder, you will know that maintaining a friendship with an ex is possible, but only if you were really clear about your boundaries. And if the ex pwBPD is willing and able to engage on that level.

Your situation, if I've understood correctly, sounds a bit tricky and fraught, to be perfectly frank. You said: "Well she was the one who said that she doesn't want to see me in a million years or more so that's why I doubt she would ever reach out again" . Whether she feels shame and was therefore afraid or unable to approach you is anyone's guess.

I agree that focusing on yourself is the healthier option, and I'm glad you are intending to not do anything impulsively.

If you are sure that your own motives are pretty clean, then sending a simple text message saying you'd like to be able to hang out sometimes and just be friends might be fine.

But consider your previous meeting and what kind of friendship might even be possible with this person. Sometimes we want to be friends with people who are not really a good choice for us. What do you think?

[Curiously1]

So your question relates to an ex partner, who has BPD, with whom you just want to rekindle a friendship? But the last time you spoke there were cops involved because of some kind of disagreement or misunderstanding? And then you happened to see her somewhere that you don't usually go, but you did not speak to each other?

Have I got all that right?

If you've been reading about BPD as a disorder, you will know that maintaining a friendship with an ex is possible, but only if you were really clear about your boundaries. And if the ex pwBPD is willing and able to engage on that level.

Your situation, if I've understood correctly, sounds a bit tricky and fraught, to be perfectly frank. You said: "Well she was the one who said that she doesn't want to see me in a million years or more so that's why I doubt she would ever reach out again" . Whether she feels shame and was therefore afraid or unable to approach you is anyone's guess.

I agree that focusing on yourself is the healthier option, and I'm glad you are intending to not do anything impulsively.

If you are sure that your own motives are pretty clean, then sending a simple text message saying you'd like to be able to hang out sometimes and just be friends might be fine.

But consider your previous meeting and what kind of friendship might even be possible with this person. Sometimes we want to be friends with people who are not really a good choice for us. What do you think?

And it's anyones guess why she flipped and said those things and started calling me the emotional one. Did she want to hear something else from me? Did I trigger abandonment/emneshment etc.
Using the word 'friends' also scares me because maybe the fact I didn't know what I wanted from her upset her even though she didn't want anything to do with me either? I know it's tricky.
She is not a good choice for a close friend you're right but she makes a good fun friend. I miss her company, we have things in common and it's either I get over myself or send a message. It's the missing her the good sides of her and wanting that back that bothers me. Can I get in much trouble for just sending a text or calling once? I have no idea.

And yes you've got all that right.

[FallBack!Monster]

VitaminC, thanks. However I wasn't asking the question. As to the rest of the replies, I send unanswered hellos every time I feel bad for something I've said. I'm don't judge myself because I see it as part of my healing process. I feel bad because it can't be good for someone with emotional issue or irregularities to hear that. I feel bad because I'm human. I say it only because that's what I'm feeling at the moment.

I forgive myself for thinking about her in anyway because in my heart and in my head, that really was a friend. A fun friend most of the times. Even my family still cares about her. And I am working on my reactions a bit more. Not exactly for her but for life in general. I know she's never going to contact me again. I know I'm an a-hole sometimes but so was she.

Curiously1
Now, if you have been told not to contact her by cops, then don't. But if you're imagining she'd do something, idk what to say to all that.