As the fog lifts...I remember

[UnforgivenII]

Today I had an ah-ha moment.
He told me about this ex he lived with for 11 years. Her name was still on the front door ( apparently from 2011). He told me they kept in touch and they were told friends and they were happy if one of them found love again.
Then after a while he told me she had broken up with her current bf as he was "upset" they were still calling each other, and he was so angry at him.

How  I realize he was happy for this. He wanted to prevent her from moving on. And she is and remains among his contact on FB, like other exes. Waiting for him.

It is pathetic. I do not want to end like this.
How could I be so stupid. I should gave RUN when he told me this. I sufferedfor it but I remained silent... .How could I be so stupid.

[FallBack!Monster]

Unforgiven, you're not stupid at all. I bet none of her exs expected  the sudden discard. They are probably not waiting for her either. One or two maybe. And that would only be if they are pathetic.  Pathetic, in the sense of people with low self worth and people who are underachievers with very low self worth.
When your post, I too had an ah-ha moment. But with a twist. I observed her day to day interactions with others. I knew that she kept in touch with a few men and women she was so called, previously dating. Long term or the shortest of short terms too. If she had a sexual encounter once with anyone, they were one of her fb friends. In general, many exes were either friends on social media or daily telephone contacts.  I knew I wasn't going g to be one of them. 

We broke up and we have no way to get in touch.  If my ex memory is as bad as she claims, she'll forget me. One thing I know, she will never again have me at her finger tips.

Unforgiven-
You chose, don't let her.

[gotbushels]

You're right, it can suck to end up a forever dangling ex. It's not necessarily pathetic if those exes cannot move on. Some people are not blessed with the perspective you share here. Other people can't see the choice they have. Other people see the perspective, but are unable to choose. Many reasons why they may be where they are.

Yes it hurts when we don't know how pwBPDs function sometimes. For us romantically involved, the one who we trust the most seems to have the biggest tools to hurt us. If you didn't see something, why does that make you stupid UnforgivenII? If someone has a good PhD in engineering but they don't know about what colours a dory has, does that make them stupid? 

[pjstock42]

My BPD exgf told me about at least 2 separate instances where she was living with a guy and moved out unexpectedly, pretty much as big of a red flag as you can get since this is what she did to me. Of course, I ignored it - I was special! It would be different with me! She also told me about how the last guy she discarded called her a "liar and thief", I took her side and assumed he was just some bitter scumbag guy. Now I sit here after she lied to my face for months on end and has stolen more than $3000 from me and all I can really do is laugh at myself for being such an idiot. If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

[lovenature]

Now I sit here after she lied to my face for months on end and has stolen more than $3000 from me and all I can really do is laugh at myself for being such an idiot.

Better to realize how powerful the idealization combined with the needy victim/fixer rescuer dynamic really is; for us who are co-dependent it is intoxicating, for people who are not it just seems odd and clingy. Don't fault yourself for not heeding the  's, this board is full of folks who have done the same, myself included.

[iluminati]

Some of what you see isn't BPD as much as being human.  No group has a monopoly on hanging onto old lovers for no good reason.

That said, what makes this an issue with BPD is that these exes become security blankets and end up trashing relationships.  It becomes a means of avoiding intimacy, since they have that ex in a glass case.  Meanwhile the ex never has a chance to move on since the pwBPD is exploiting their issues with moving on as a way of meeting their own needs.