Broke NC - what now; advise needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all

I was wavering about breaking no contact and sat with my uncomfortable feelings for a few days (couldn't get on here for anybody to talk me out of it) but succumbed yesterday and sent my friend a message on FB.  I said it was going to be the last time I ever tried to reach out, that I knew he was reading my messages and cared about me but was scared to get too close to somebody which i now understood and realise my actions and words did not help the last time we spoke.  I basically said the door was left open for him to contact me anytime should he wish to but I wouldn't be reaching out to him again and that I missed him and our silly conversations and that I hoped he was well and happy.

I wasn't expecting anything; however about 6 hours later he accepted my messages on FB and sent me one back but it was just his new mobile number (he said he was going to change it before he cut me off so no surprise that he had a new number).  So no words, just his mobile number.  I thanked him for it and said I'd ring in a few days and hoped all was well with him, which he read but did not respond to.

Now I'm nervous as hell to ring him as I get the impression he's still not 100% cool with me.

Any advice?

Ps: soo glad to be able to get back on here; well done bpdfamily!

[insideoutside]

Hi all

I was wavering about breaking no contact and sat with my uncomfortable feelings for a few days (couldn't get on here for anybody to talk me out of it) but succumbed yesterday and sent my friend a message on FB.  I said it was going to be the last time I ever tried to reach out, that I knew he was reading my messages and cared about me but was scared to get too close to somebody which i now understood and realise my actions and words did not help the last time we spoke.  I basically said the door was left open for him to contact me anytime should he wish to but I wouldn't be reaching out to him again and that I missed him and our silly conversations and that I hoped he was well and happy.

I wasn't expecting anything; however about 6 hours later he accepted my messages on FB and sent me one back but it was just his new mobile number (he said he was going to change it before he cut me off so no surprise that he had a new number).  So no words, just his mobile number.  I thanked him for it and said I'd ring in a few days and hoped all was well with him, which he read but did not respond to.

Now I'm nervous as hell to ring him as I get the impression he's still not 100% cool with me.

Any advice?

Ps: soo glad to be able to get back on here; well done bpdfamily!

[UnforgivenII]

I would regroup and start NC again.
But it's just my opinion.

[insideoutside]

I would regroup and start NC again.
But it's just my opinion.

No I'm not going NC on him again as he obviously gave me his number for a reason but I need to know how to handle it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzybusy,

What would you like to do in this situation? What is the ultimate outcome that you are hoping for?

Knowing your goal will help all of us to support you the best we can. 

heartandwhole

[insideoutside]

Hi izzybusy,

What would you like to do in this situation? What is the ultimate outcome that you are hoping for?

Knowing your goal will help all of us to support you the best we can. 

heartandwhole

Hi Heartandwhole

I would like to be in his life as his friend again; I miss him.  Although glad to see he finally accepted my messages and responded with his phone number; it still felt cold.  But I guess if he wasn't interested in hearing from me he would had carried on ignoring my messages.  I need to know how to approach him I suppose after 4 months of silence.  I don't anticipate bringing the past up as its not worth rehashing it.

I've also posted on the improving board.

[heartandwhole]

I've also posted on the improving board.

Okay. I think this ^ is a good idea. I would especially focus on the communications skills like SET and validation. I would also encourage you to remind yourself of your values around friendships. From those, you will erect gentle and firm boundaries that will protect you from any hurtful behavior that might come your way.

My only concern about this new contact between you is that your ex has made no effort to respond or reach out. He has simply given his number, which puts the work on you and seems to already set up the scenario that he was the "wronged" party in the breakup. Friendships are built on equality and respect, so I hope things will move more in that direction  going forward.  

Let us know how things evolve.

heartandwhole

[insideoutside]

I've also posted on the improving board.

My only concern about this new contact between you is that your ex has made no effort to respond or reach out. He has simply given his number, which puts the work on you and seems to already set up the scenario that he was the "wronged" party in the breakup. Friendships are built on equality and respect, so I hope things will move more in that direction  going forward.  

Let us know how things evolve.

heartandwhole

I know he feels it was me totally in the wrong and won't admit he played a part in it; I'm just worried he's still mad at me really and phoning him will make it worse.

Would you say him giving me his new number is a good sign he wants the friendship back too?

[heartandwhole]

Would you say him giving me his new number is a good sign he wants the friendship back too?

It looks as if he is at least open to communication from you, or he wouldn't have given his number. But that might be it, izzy.

It sounds to me like you are hoping that things will be different this time, but I recommend proceeding with caution. You are already walking on eggshells, before you've even called him (worried that he's angry and that calling him will make it worse). I don't think that is a good way to begin a satisfying friendship, do you? 

Is he the kind of friend you want and need in your life? Does he have what it takes to treat you respectfully and in a caring way? Are you ready for the work it will take from you to make sure your needs are taken into account?

Only you know the answers to these questions. There is no rush. What do you think about giving yourself a few days to ponder your next step?

Let us know how things are going.

heartandwhole