How people w/ BPD view NC

[JJacks0]

Just something I've been pondering... .

My ex is the one who has initiated NC. She has broken it once, and I have as well, but she has requested it again & it has continued for about 11 days now.

Since people with BPD have such a fear of abandonment, it seems odd that they would be the ones to suggest NC. Unless it is because they already have felt abandoned, believe there is no coming back from that and just push you away so you can't ever make them feel that way again.

On the other hand, you always hear that people with BPD want us to prove our love and devotion to them. Could NC ever be a test? For a minute I felt like it could be,  until I messaged my ex and she told me that I had disrespected her for not adhering to her wishes. That quickly sent the message home, so if she asks me not to contact her I won't. The last thing I need is to be viewed as a crazed stalker. But at the same time it is hard not to wonder if the lack of contact just validates her idea that I've abandoned her. Even though logically she knows I'm right here & haven't.

[drained1996]

"Even though logically she knows I'm right here & haven't."

BPD doesn't understand logic a lot of times, the illness's reality is distorted thus logic is distorted. 
It was hard for me to understand much of what my BPD was thinking, thus I simply learned not to try... .or it would have a crazymaking effect on me.  And of course if I did guess what she was thinking, the wind would change direction and the whole universe would explode and I would be left wondering again. 

[Fr4nz]

Since people with BPD have such a fear of abandonment, it seems odd that they would be the ones to suggest NC. Unless it is because they already have felt abandoned, believe there is no coming back from that and just push you away so you can't ever make them feel that way again.

Indeed, for a BPD abandonment is like an atomic bomb exploding onto their heads - the realization of their worst fear.

Hence, when things start to go downhill - at some point it always happens with a BPD - for a BPD it all becomes a matter of control, i.e., who's going to leave first who. Thus, controlling the end of the r/s gives them the power of not being subjected to the fear of abandonment.

Think about it as a pre-emptive strike.

[fromheeltoheal]

Since people with BPD have such a fear of abandonment, it seems odd that they would be the ones to suggest NC. Unless it is because they already have felt abandoned, believe there is no coming back from that and just push you away so you can't ever make them feel that way again.

Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that could happen, but one thing that would keep a borderline from reaching out to an attachment is shame; if a borderline has accepted some responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and/or did something really egregious, then facing that would be way too shame-triggering, so push it off into never never land so it can't be felt. 

And the other choice is that a new attachment has been formed, and it's new so the idealization phase is in full force and life is a perfect fantasy, which we know won't last, but it's a hell of a buzz when it's happening, a time when abandonment and engulfment fears are minimized and focus captured, so no need to look to other attachments to soothe emotions.

Could NC ever be a test?

Could be, although a pretty risky one who is dependent on attachments to survive; no contact is like push mode on steroids.

For a minute I felt like it could be, until I messaged my ex and she told me that I had disrespected her for not adhering to her wishes.

Was that a feature of your relationship too JJ?  Get labelled disrespectful for not obeying her wishes, which sound a little like commands?

[JJacks0]

Thanks for your explanations, they make more sense to me. Unfortunately that was a rather frequent feature of our relationship... .

I'm pretty confident that she's not dating anyone else yet. However, I do feel like she's idealizing her friend now - one friend in particular who has been close to absent for most of our relationship but has suddenly come out of the woodwork. I believe she's painting her white, despite the fact that this friend was NOWHERE to be found until her own marriage fell apart recently and she is now lonely. This is the same friend who convinced my ex to ditch me at pride fest and who my ex took to the concert that I bought her tickets for (intended for us).

The friend is completely straight (I think) so I don't believe there's anything going on there.  But is it possible for the replacement so to speak, to be a platonic friend?  (At least for now)... .

[rfriesen]

Could NC ever be a test? 

Possibly, but I'm not sure you could think of it as a test that it's possible to pass. When my ex and I hit rough waters, she started pushing me away in increasingly hurtful ways. And then she started ending things with, "I hate you so much. I never want to hear from or talk to you again." The first few times, I found a way to talk her through it and we temporarily patched things up. Eventually, I couldn't take it and I respected her wishes. After several days, she reached out and said, among other things, "I had to hold my distance from you. And when you didn't reach out, I knew I was right to do it."

Well, you could say this was a test and that I "failed". But it seems pretty clear that she would have continued to test me in increasingly cruel ways. I don't believe I could ever have passed the "test" once and for all. And I don't think it makes sense to think of it as a "test" -- the level of desperation, rage, anger, sadness, ... .that my ex displayed, it was less a test and more life-or-death struggle for her. At least that's what it felt like to me. I think no matter what I would have done to prove my love for her, doubt would always have crept back into her mind and she would have "tested" me again.

So, my two cents say that, yes, in a sense it could be something like a test. But if the dynamic is anything like what I experienced with my ex, it's not a test you can pass. Once a pwBPD is gripped by doubts about your commitment, with fears of abandonment, it seems near impossible to break the cycle of increasingly intense push/pull and recover any kind of stable relationship. The doubt and fear seep in too deep, and you can't rebuild the necessary foundation of trust.

[rfriesen]

Here's one other way to think about it. Imagine you felt you needed your lover's absolute, undivided, complete love and attention. You feel that the world will end if you can't be absolutely certain that this person will never leave. You need to be sure, one way or another, and if there's any chance your lover would ever leave you, you must know that right away. The uncertainty is unbearable.

What's the one way you can know for sure how far a person will go to be with you? Well, begin testing them. Push, attack, hurt, undermine, ... .there are many different forms this can take and, of course, varying degrees. Not all our exes were equally aggressive or cruel. But I think this terror of uncertainty is a big part of what many of our exes threw at us. It's not logical -- I'm not saying it makes good sense to push someone away if you want to be sure they'll stay. It's self-defeating, of course. But it does, nonetheless, make psychological sense. It's like when you see that character in a horror movie who obviously should not walk out in the dark and open that shed door - and even the character seems to know that's the worst thing to do - but once that fear grips you, you're drawn to know what's lying there waiting, you'd rather confirm and confront your worst fear, because it's even more unbearable living with the uncertainty.

What hurts me so much when I think of my ex is that she so desperately wants someone who would stay with her no matter what. But she's so afraid to trust anyone that she pushes and pushes until they inevitably are crushed by her behaviour and have to let go.

So, again, I come back to my initial point -- many of our exes seem to have a way of "testing" people in intimate relationships that no human being could ever pass. And it can leave us feeling miserable and guilty for failing them. If you can step back a little and look at how much you've given and how impossible these "tests" are, then you can hopefully find some compassion and understanding for yourself too. It's hard because we never get that closure and recognition from our exes of how hard we've tried. We're left feeling like we must be guilty in their eyes, and I suppose most of us are. But we have to accept that we cannot bear the entire responsibility for that.

Easier said than done, I know. My heart goes out to you, because I feel like I know your inner torment so well. Try to bring your focus back on yourself and be compassionate with yourself. We all have our limits and at some point sacrificing ourselves is senseless because we cannot do anyone any good by it, not even our exes.
 

[kc sunshine]

Hi,

My BPDex asked for NC last week too after a week of wanting to be in contact with me, and for some reason it is the hardest thing of all (after a relationship full of hard things) for me to face. She said it was because she didn't want to feel the conflicted feelings she felt when she saw me. She is also moving in with her new girlfriend, so must be in full force idealization phase with her too. She said (cruelly, I think) something like she was comparing the difference between us -- I think I blocked her exact words because I can't quite remember them. There was an element of control-- when I was here in town last I didn't contact her, so now she has the last word in NC. 

In some ways having NC come from her is both freeing and final-- she is much better at keeping her boundary than I am with mine (I can keep NC until she contacts me, then I have always responded to her) and I know I can/will respect her boundary. So this is it-- I have to face the grief of the finality of it, and feel the freedom of it as well.

[gotbushels]

Possibly, but I'm not sure you could think of it as a test that it's possible to pass.

Well, you could say this was a test and that I "failed". But it seems pretty clear that she would have continued to test me in increasingly cruel ways.
(... .)
So, my two cents say that, yes, in a sense it could be something like a test. But if the dynamic is anything like what I experienced with my ex, it's not a test you can pass.

I strongly agree with these comments. rfriesen and  JJacks0 you're definitely not alone on this part. I think where it can start getting problematic is when the non and the BP start to merge ideas of feelings around these dialogues with ideas of what love is actually "healthy love" in an intimate relationship. I found my beliefs around the love-pain idea got seriously disheveled over time. What's quite scary to me is that I wasn't in this relationship for a long time compared to others.

[fromheeltoheal]

But is it possible for the replacement so to speak, to be a platonic friend?  (At least for now)... .

A "replacement" for a borderline is a replacement attachment, someone or some thing to fuse with physically to allow a borderline to feel whole, whatever that might be.  My ex attached to her kids, in an unhealthy peer/peer way instead of a parent/child way, and also to God through her religion; those vehicles provided some attachment, meaning made the feeling of abandonment go away and allowed her to have a fully formed self, which she needed since her relationships with men never lasted very long, although they were still attachments until they weren't.  So it's about whether or not the relationship makes her feel fused and whole, and the abandonment fears go away, whatever form that takes.

[rfriesen]

I found my beliefs around the love-pain idea got seriously disheveled over time. What's quite scary to me is that I wasn't in this relationship for a long time compared to others.

These comments really hit home for me. I was only with my ex for a year and a half. But by the end, I would actually have visions of riding through a dark forest and bringing her home to safety out of all her pain and self-destruction. Serious white knight syndrome and I still can't help cringing when I think of it. Still, I try to take the good from it -- that I really cared deeply and longed to bring her lasting happiness -- while recognising the bad, namely that my view of love became distorted into a kind of love/hate, hero/victim dynamic and there was a lot of childishness in that.

I still care for my ex deeply and hope she finds happiness. But I have my own life to live and healthy relationships to build and no longer feel the same need to heroically rescue someone who isn't ready to come in from the cold. I think it's helped me to recognise both the tragic and the comic. Tragic, because my ex really expressed to me a deeper pain and desperation than I've ever felt so close up. And I took on/came to recognise deep pain in myself too. Comic because our attempts to make it work went so haywire and we were like two crazed children trying to find our way to safety with no adults to guide the way.

[GoingBack2OC]

Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that could happen, but one thing that would keep a borderline from reaching out to an attachment is shame; if a borderline has accepted some responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and/or did something really egregious, then facing that would be way too shame-triggering, so push it off into never never land so it can't be felt. 

And the other choice is that a new attachment has been formed, and it's new so the idealization phase is in full force and life is a perfect fantasy, which we know won't last, but it's a hell of a buzz when it's happening, a time when abandonment and engulfment fears are minimized and focus captured, so no need to look to other attachments to soothe emotions.

In no way trying to derail this thread. Heeltoheal, you know what I'm going through. She cheated for months. I find out from someone else - not even her! We were still in touch up to me finding out.

It's been a month. I have not even received one word back. Nothing. I mean, she's the one who was cheating, lying, I'm the one who got destroyed.

And she wont even text back I'm sorry.

You nailed it. Still, it hurts. But thank you for this.