Is taking about interest in other women common with BPD partners?

[claryhunter]

Does talking about other women come up often? When he's up I'm amazing all he wants, needs, loves. When he's down he is constantly on his phone on Facebook looking at other women saying it shouldn't bother me they are just pictures. Then if I act I'm ok with it he goes on to saying how trapped he is with me, how he made the wrong decision marrying me because he could be free and sleep around and fulfill his fantasies. That when he goes out the women he talks to are so much more interesting than me. This talk hurts me the most, it kills my self esteem. I'm so insecure if any other women are around even when he's fine and idealizing me again. I know he's trying to push me away with this but then I wonder if he really means it and is bored with me... I know you need to set boundaries but how do I do that when in the time he is down he doesn't care about anything and wants me to leave.

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[Herodias]

It was with mine... .I hate to tell you but I thought he was just "talking" about it but it turns out there was more going on than I knew. I will be curious if anyone else has some good advice for you, but what I have learned is that you have to set boundaries... .Now, mine would not abide by them, so I am not sure how to tell you to do that. I also learned it had nothing to do with me, so don't think there is anymore you can do. I had sex with mine almost every day of our marriage, so I knew he couldn't blame me for that. It seemed to be when I would tell him how to handle situations or "what to do" that made him feel I did not love him and he says, caused him to go elsewhere. I refuse to take blame. I think his ego needed feeding-also non stop- boredom -when I would be asleep and he was up at night texting women. Mine would be all over me in public and women would still hit on him... .The world is messed up that women go after married or committed men. Even when they know you. I met the one he is currently with and she still went after him! He is being mean and abusive to you by saying those things... .what are your boundaries... .what is it that you will not accept? That is what a therapist asked me... .I realized mine was pushing me away and I stayed no matter what he did... .so things got worse and worse. It was like he had to push it so far before I would leave. Really messed up on both sides. He is trying to push you away, so why are you still there? Have you discussed the end of your relationship to see how he reacts to it? Mine would miss me when we split, until the end. When he had someone else, he was done with me... .thing is, I really doubt he is happy in his current situation, so try and not take things personally with these people. Eventually I became so aware of mines lack of empathy, that I realize they just don't know what they are doing to us... .it is all about them. You need to decide what it is you want in a relationship and what you are willing to take. Sorry you are going through this and for being so blunt... .but I want you to stop thinking about what he is doing and figure out what you are doing... .does that make sense?

[waverider]

Herodias is right, you can't make him do anything. You can only have boundaries to protect how it makes you feel, removing yourself from exposure to it

How bad does it make you feel, is it something you would separate, or withdraw, in some way over?

[Meili]

I know what it's like when your spouse spends a great deal of time talking to members of the opposite sex, comparing you to them, and saying mean things like that. It was a horrible way to live. I dealt with it for five years before mine finally left me for one of the guys that she had met online.

But, that was long before I knew about BPD and I handled it all super poorly. I had no tools at my disposal to deal with any of it. My insecurity was so immense that it consumed my entire existence. The good news is that you can change all that for yourself (and should!).

I know you need to set boundaries but how do I do that when in the time he is down he doesn't care about anything and wants me to leave.

Here is a good article about Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits. I'm curious though, what does it matter if he wants you to leave if you don't want to leave? Isn't that your decision and not his to make?

[Jessica84]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It's hard.    I have been there - the gawking at other women in public, the flirting, the fawning over magazine models and comparing me to women on TV - the cause of many fallouts and breakups. I was told the same thing - that it 'shouldn't' bother me. I shouldn't be bothered by disrespect? Or that I was too 'jealous'.

I had to stop reacting to it. VERY hard to do when it's so in your face! I couldn't find a boundary for this because no one had ever done that to me so blatantly before! So I worked to rebuild my self-esteem until I could stop reacting internally to it. Then I could put out the "I'm not bothered by your cruelty" vibe externally. When he stopped getting the payoff (my tears, my hurt face, my fear, my panic, or my storming out), he eventually stopped pressing that button. He got bored when it didn't cause the usual drama. Occasionally he still comes back to test the button... so be consistent.

Feel your worth from the inside out. Look yourself in the mirror everyday and say positive affirmations - think of what you might say to a friend feeling low about herself - you're beautiful, you have a good heart, you deserve love and respect, etc. Compliment yourself, often. Once you believe this, he can't get to you... .losing his payoff.

[lar, laris]

Hi, claryhunter,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  I have recently joined this board, too, and I can tell you that the resources here are wonderfully helpful, both the posts and the articles, etc.

I have been in somewhat similar dynamics with my loved one, and what others are saying here have been god-send points for me:

establish, communicate and stick to, boundaries

don't take it personally.  As hard as this was for me to finally process and take to heart, it is not personal

most of this behavior could have to do with maintaining a comfortable distance, to make an intimate relationship psychically tolerable

As most previous posters indicate, and other threads show, there is no one-size-fits-all boundary for these sorts of behaviors.  Some people work within relationships where the other partner asks to be "let go" in different ways (I have done), others don't.  Some people tolerate some aspect of what you describe (ideation is okay, not action, etc.), others don't.

I'd encourage you to keep reading, and asking for the support you need.  I have you in my thoughts, and I admire your bravery in reaching out to this forum.  Welcome!   

lar, laris

[adaw]

My BPD is female and I am in the same boat. So to say its normal must be seen in context.

[Icanteven]

I've had this conversation with a few mental health practitioners as kind of a post mortem "what behaviors did you put up with and why," so let me see if I can regurgitate what I've been told by, separately, a PsyD, a Psychiatrist, and an MS LCSW independent of each other but basically saying the same thing (in no particular order):

1) It's a spectrum disorder; parts of NPD/HPD often present with a diagnosis of BPD, and this kind of attention-seeking behavior is common;
2) As the closest person in his life, this creates distance, which is something he's going to crave from time to time;
3) This is incredibly manipulative.  Don't even have to talk about PDs in this context because it doesn't matter;  It's just manipulative, pure and simple;
4) On top of being manipulative, this is his way of exerting control by any means necessary.  "Look at all these women I could be talking to right now!  You better be what I want or who knows what could happen!"

Bottom line, this is emotionally abusive and not something someone who is emotionally healthy does to their spouse.  Period.  And the thing is, YOU could do the same thing he's talking about doing.  Hell, all of us could, but isn't that one of the points of being married?  Forsaking all others?

Anecdotally, my wife did this to me in spurts throughout our relationship, usually when she felt like she wasn't getting enough attention (the attention-seeking behavior is so predictable as to be comical at this point).  I rationalized it by telling myself that, because she is so physically beautiful, of course men were going to take interest in her.  As my T reminded me, though, I've dated women who were just as beautiful, and my wife is the only one to ever behave this way.  Oddly*, my wife is also the only mentally ill woman I've ever dated, so I can't imagine what the connection might be.

*sarcasm

[waverider]

It is important that our reaction to this is not misguided nor feed (drive them to) this behavior. A good old lecture wont change things. Making them feel better about themselves, and not taking it as a criticism of us either will help. Otherwise it becomes the thin end of the wedge that eats into a relationship.

Unfortunately the online world has an insidious ability to add meat to fantasies, so people start to think they are actually feasible. It feeds into delusions.