sadness here

[byfaith]

well the split up has begun.

I have to remind myself that I did everything I knew to do to save the marriage. She "blames" me. I just have to keep going back to my core values of what I want in life. I was always willing to bend to make it work but I was breaking.

I will give more detail later. I am going to need help through this. Everyone's situation is different of course. It just saddens me that some with this disorder have NO empathy or take any responsibility, or very little at all.

I guess this is just normal but right now I feel empty. In some regards I feel like I have failed someone. I am going to have to feel these things and deal with them the correct way.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byfaith, Many of us here have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  I'm sure you did everything you could and it sucks to be blamed, but that's the normal pattern.  One time my T asked me if I thought I had tried everything to make my marriage work?  I said, Yes.  She said, I think so, too, which was an eye-opening comment coming from my T.  No, it's unrealistic to expect a pwBPD to take responsibility or have empathy.  Just the way it is.  You haven't failed; you tried your best and it didn't work out, that's all.  Hang in there and keep us updated, when you can.

LuckyJim

[flourdust]

I agree with what Jim said.

This is a difficulty thing to go through, and you'll experience all kinds of ups and downs.

If I may quote the great Jean-Luc Picard, "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life."

[SamwizeGamgee]

I am sharing the sadness with you now.

I have rare occasions where for a moment, my marriage seems normal and happy.  Those moments seem to delete the majority of pain, confusion, frustration and rejection of the marriage.  Then slowly sometimes, quickly other times, but always in the end, you rediscover how hard and truly sad life with a BPD person can be.

I know it's hard and confusing.  I wish you the the best.

[formflier]

Hang in there.  You have tried really hard.   I hope you can try to be kind to yourself.

Give details when you can.  I'm praying for you.

FF

[lovenature]

Don't feel like you failed someone, sure we could have done some things better in our relationships and have to own our part, but remember, the closer you get to a pwBPD, the more you are pushed away. Be honest with yourself about how you both treated each other.

I have learned through reading and experience that unless a pwBPD is committing to years of therapy, the relationship can't be healthy for either partner; the non hurts from actual reality, the pwBPD hurts from their perception of reality.

If/when you are committed to detaching, check out that board; there are lots of knowledgeable members there to give you support. I hope you can find peace.

[Mutt]

Hi byfaith,

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. You're not alone, we'll walk with you through this.

In some regards I feel like I have failed someone.

I think that I would be feeling a lot of things all at once if you just started the split. Are you feeling guilty because you couldn't save the r/s?

[HopefulDad]

It's normal to feel some kind of failure.  Doesn't mean you failed.  And even if it did mean you failed, failure can happen to anyone.  Don't beat yourself up over it.

I take my word very seriously.  When I give my word to someone, I'm my harshest judge to make sure I follow through.  So imagine how I felt breaking my vow to my BPDxw, a vow made in front of dozens of witnesses.  Talk about feeling that I failed!  I took a long time coming to grips with that.  But I have.  You, too, will come to grips with such thoughts.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hopeful dad - well said.  From the very day of my wedding (19 years ago) I had a profound regret and realization that this marriage was the wrong thing to have done.  Over the years, I have had witness after witness of the damage done.  Yet, I keep my word, and signed a contract, so I am still not able to break it.  Not to mention I have kids now, and more than anything, my promise is to them - to be there for them all I can.


lovenature - I'm not a frequent quoter, but, I found this gem in what you posted.  I hope to hold this in my mind for a while.  Thank you!

... .the relationship can't be healthy for either partner; the non hurts from actual reality, the pwBPD hurts from their perception of reality.
... .

[HopefulDad]

Hopeful dad - well said.  From the very day of my wedding (19 years ago) I had a profound regret and realization that this marriage was the wrong thing to have done.  Over the years, I have had witness after witness of the damage done.  Yet, I keep my word, and signed a contract, so I am still not able to break it.  Not to mention I have kids now, and more than anything, my promise is to them - to be there for them all I can.

I know where you're coming from, but one thing it took me a long time to realize is this (take it for the 2 cents its worth):

Some contracts were meant to be broken.  Sometimes they are rotten.

And on the bolded in particular, I definitely know where you are coming from (3 of my own), and I took a gamble that divorce would actually be better for them.  Two years later that decision looks to have been the right one.  The reasons are multiple and better saved for a different thread, but overall the whole "stay married for the kids" line of thinking needs serious reconsideration.  "Leaving for the kids" can often be better.

[Cat Familiar]

I hope you're doing OK, byfaith. You gave it your best and was by far, more patient than most people would be in your circumstances.