NC team

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

Anyone else in the early days of NC and want to struggle through ups and downs of the first days together? I'm on day 3 on my first ever ex BPD partner imposed NC. My biggest challenges are ruminations about it all, staying concentrated on whatever task I need to do, and not checking her facebook. My sleep is a bit messed up-- I keep waking up at 4 am.

How are you all doing?

[chillamom]

Right there on the team with you... .started yesterday after much debate with myself over the past many weeks.  The first 24 hours were just fine and dandy - enjoyed the silence - but the messages have started today, first angry and accusatory, now asking me to come over and "hang out."  I'm not surprised, and I get you on the ruminations.  I also have been waking up routinely between about 3 and 4 every night - those early morning awakenings are definitely associated with depression.  I haven't blocked him yet because my T feels that might enrage him more and he is a terribly angry man, so this is going to be rough.  I may yet block him anyway and throw proverbial caution to the wind, because I KNOW i WILL GET CHARMED BACK IN like so many times before.  Thanks for starting this - I have a feeling our team will expand!

[kc sunshine]

Whoo hoo chillamom, so glad to have you on the team! How have you been replying to the texts? Or are you just not replying?

Right there on the team with you... .started yesterday after much debate with myself over the past many weeks.  The first 24 hours were just fine and dandy - enjoyed the silence - but the messages have started today, first angry and accusatory, now asking me to come over and "hang out."  I'm not surprised, and I get you on the ruminations.  I also have been waking up routinely between about 3 and 4 every night - those early morning awakenings are definitely associated with depression.  I haven't blocked him yet because my T feels that might enrage him more and he is a terribly angry man, so this is going to be rough.  I may yet block him anyway and throw proverbial caution to the wind, because I KNOW i WILL GET CHARMED BACK IN like so many times before.  Thanks for starting this - I have a feeling our team will expand!

[chillamom]

kcsunshine, I'll be honest here and say yes I have been responding.  So I'm a lousy team member.  It's largely because I don't have the strength to be "mean", and also because about 25% of me is afraid my T is right and he could show up and act in a violent manner.  He does have all the traits of a person who is likely to engage in physical abuse, although so far in the 8 years we were together verbal and emotional was his speciality.  I am scared of him, so I guess part of me is trying to appease him, another part doesn't want to hurt him, and a sad little part of me still loves him.  Plus of course he is throwing all sorts of insults and accusations at me and I'm JADEing all over the place.  Sigh... .never thought myself as a weak woman before, but apparently when it comes to him I am. I do NOT deserve even an honorable mention on this team... .

How have you been faring dealing with the ruminations today?

[bus boy]

Hi. I'm not new to nc but I'm here to tell you, it's tough in the beginning but well worth it. We all struggle with this. It does get better in time. I still have my struggle days. The NPD/BPD does there damage well. I had some rough days where I couldn't stand to be in my skin. Hang in there nc does pay off.

[kc sunshine]

Chillamom, you totally deserve an honorable mention on this team! I could never not respond to my ex when she texted me either! It always struck me as rude or mean... .I would keep things BIFF though (I think it stands for brief, informative, factual, friendly).

Now that my ex has gone NC though it feels like a whole different ball game. I don't think she will contact me anymore, given that it is her boundary and she has to reason to bust it (and also because of the replacement).

This one is tough for me because it feels forced on me (and I can feel the pull to boundary bust) but on the other hand I feel more free because it feels so final. Typing that made made me sad though... .I guess there is a lot of grieving work to be done .   

[kc sunshine]

Thanks busboy! What's your NC story? How long have you been NC? Did you do it or did your ex do it? How long until you started to feel better? xo

Hi. I'm not new to nc but I'm here to tell you, it's tough in the beginning but well worth it. We all struggle with this. It does get better in time. I still have my struggle days. The NPD/BPD does there damage well. I had some rough days where I couldn't stand to be in my skin. Hang in there nc does pay off.

[pjstock42]

I'm a month in. It's not easy and there are no tangible benefits yet but I'm keeping the faith that this will pay off in the end.

[kc sunshine]

Do you guys have any tricks?

One of mine is when I have the urge to check her facebook ( a big trigger for me) I come here instead... .

I'm a month in. It's not easy and there are no tangible benefits yet but I'm keeping the faith that this will pay off in the end.

[woundedPhoenix]

tricks?

Well, i renamed her contact name in my cellphone to ":)ON'T EVEN GO THERE".

I created secondary accounts on social media and skype that i use now.

And every time i fight the urge to contact, i put another stripe on a chalkboard wall in my kitchen, looks like what you find in a prison cell by now :-)

[DreamerGirl]

I'm on the team as well.  Nearly at 6 weeks NC.  I still feel like I'm white knuckling it, every single day.  My emotions are all over the place.  There have been tiny moments where I have felt a sense of peace wash over me, which I think is the beginning of my healing.   

[DazedD40]

Day 8 for me although following her slating me off on 2 dating sites I decided to fight back and do the same, Yes childish and foolish, to which she sent me a message saying it's nice to see I'm hating on her. So technically she broke NC of her making. I didn't respond. To be honest I felt bad that I had a go at her whether deserved or not.

To be honest being in NC is allowing me to see things objectively even though it all still hurts and rips me apart. I've got a few dates coming up with some women over the weekend. I don't feel I have anything to give but hell she's doing it so I thought I'd do the same.

Everyday I'm close to losing it, the anxiety is still there tearing me apart but the more I stay NC the more I get back of myself. Doesn't feel like it but got to keep pushing even though I want to curl up in a little ball and die.

[VitaminC]

tricks?
Well, i renamed her contact name in my cellphone to ":)ON'T EVEN GO THERE".

Hahaha, brilliant, woundedPhoenix!

I renamed mine "BPD".  Someone said his name to me today and I had to stop and think for just a second. Seriously!

Words are powerful. Names are powerful. Use that magic power to your benefit.

[pjstock42]

I deleted the contact and blocked the number almost instantly after the discard to be honest.

[bus boy]

Hi kc, nc was so hard for me to establish bc she made me feel so small if I didn't answer. I knew nothing of personality disorders. I was shamed and guilted. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I knew I was in great pain and mental distress. I guess she started nc just over a year ago. I didn't know what was going on but I was feeding her with my pain. Than I found out in a very heinous way that I had been discarded. I was completely broken. So strange, I knew she was a toxic abuser that treaded me like a dog but I was devistated. As I got stronger through lots of T and started understanding npd/BPD source, manuplation, not reacting or defending, things slowly got better. Than I turned the tables and went nc. I fell into her trap a few times but kept getting back up and moving forward. Fall down 6 times, get up 7. I am not 100% nc bc we have a child but I'm 98% nc. Haven't talked to her since may and the only reason I did was bc s9 handed me the phone and it was his mother, she got ignorant, I hung up. She tried to get off topic, I steered it back, she got ignorant, I hung up. I never reply to her texts, they are rude. Only if it has to do with s9 access. Anything else, she lies so bad, I just go to the source, ie his school. She says access is affecting his school, I go to the school. She hates it bc I took back my power. The past 9 months has been 98% nc. When I learned I wasn't responsible for how she felt nc got easier. It's my opinion you can't grow until you go nc or if you have children very short and sweet to the point text and don't get caught in the defending your self trap. Nc is the first step to freedom.

[JJacks0]

I am currently on day 13 of NC, initiated by my exwBPD. The last time she initiated NC she broke it after 9 days. This time I'm pretty sure she's done. I'm struggling with it every hour.

I recently posted about a dilemma I'm facing as to whether or not I should break NC on Saturday given that it's a significant day. Rather than repeating, I'll leave the link if interested... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297730.0

This is incredibly difficult and I'm not sure I see the benefits of it yet. Trying to have faith that this will all work out for the best...

[bus boy]

Hi JJackSo, have faith. The benefits are there. I use to think like you. Every time you resist contact, you get stronger. It's hard not to fall into the trap of contact. If we slip up, learn from it and keep marching just like quiting drinking, in the beginning we slip but like the say don't quit quiting. I broke nc down to minuets at a time. I felt like I was going crazy,crying, anger at my T. More than once I told my T I should never of listened to her, that the pain want worth it but I stuck with it, every night I prayed for god to take me, the pain was heart wrenching but than I started to feel better, learned to let go, learned to forgive,  looked at my roll in the r/s. Went through the stages of the grieving process. It all works. I have my moments, had some rough times this week, I posted for help, talked to my T and was able to work through it. Fear dissappear,  anxiety dissappears the ruminating stops. The pain is worth the gain.

[kc sunshine]

Day 4 NC. Painful, thoughts racing. I went to church and prayed. And to the spot by the river that used to be our spot in my head. I'm tyring to feel the grief, knowing that this is part of the process. Lean into it. Attachment is suffering and detachment will bring relief, but the breaking of the attachment is acute suffering. Breathe into it.

[gotbushels]

Do you guys have any tricks?

You can also change your ringtone to something that doesn't throw you into a negative and hypervigilant response. If it's funny it may work even better. I got that idea from JQ

One of the most powerful ways I've found is to use a physical hobby. Cycling, etc. It will literally jolt your biochemistry in addition to taking your mind off.   

[chillamom]

Hey fellow "Team Members",

I love what I'm reading here (WoundedPhoenix, your ideas are humorous and great, BTW).  I feel that I should be kicked off the team... .it's day 3 for me and here's what I did... .I responded to his pleas for help and sympathy by leaving some money for him in his mailbox.  Mind you, this is a person who is on the verge of receiving his Masters degree in computer science, but has not worked in any capacity (save selling junk on Ebay and such) since 2008, and considers any type of non-professional work to be beneath him - yes he has been diagnosed co-morbid NPD along with diagnosed BPD, bipolar, generalized anxiety, PTSD, and schizotypal traits).  Essentially he has no $ for anything and still lives with his parents, whom he contends would basically let him starve.  So after seeing text after text of help me help me help me I dropped off some cash.  THank the Lord he wasn't outside at the time.  I did NOT see him, despite his repeated pleas to "hang out" (which essentially means let me use you for food and sex). 
I should block him permanently, but my T thinks it might enrage him more, and I do feel so damn sorry for him.
Guilt is a powerful tool for him to drag me back in again. Any ideas on what to say to myself to resist it so I don't feel like such an awful awful person (as he has told me daily for the past many years that I am?)

[greenmonkey]

I am about 20 months no contact.

It does get easier I promise.

Take up a hobby a sport to get the endorphins going - I took up cycling to escape the crazy I was living with and I believe it truly saved me.

My ex and anyone close to her have been blocked on my phone from the minute she picked up the last of her stuff. Initially I blocked her on FB and LinkedIn. Over time I increased the security settings on both and removed the blocks.

The flip side has been I have been stalked, Credit Fraud, Insurance Fraud and ID Fraud going on.

I have maintained no contact and nothing in this world will allow her to get near me or m family again.

Due to the recent flying monkeys sent by her to me and yet another incident of ID Fraud on my report, I have resorted to blocking her again everywhere, and my daughter has done the same (she turned up at my daughters uni before graduation)

Stick with it, life does get better. Put yourself and your families first. Do a lot of self care, eat healthily, cycle or a sport and know that in time you will come out of everything a much much better person.

[kc sunshine]

Oh this is great to hear greenmonkey!

I'm swimming and doing yoga and accupuncture/massage... .at the very least my body is feeling good even if my mind & aren't aren't yet!

Today the NC challenge (I'm on day 5) is gonna be facebook-- my ex is at a wedding of a mutual friends with her new gf and I'm sure there will be pictures posted all over. I've unfollowed everyone so it shouldn't show up in my feed-- the challenge will be not looking myself. Here's what I'm going to do instead when the urge to look comes over me:

think about our nasty fights
imagine if I would have wanted my kids to overhear them
write on this board instead
step away from the computer or the phone
do five pushups

how's that sound?

I am about 20 months no contact.

It does get easier I promise.

Take up a hobby a sport to get the endorphins going - I took up cycling to escape the crazy I was living with and I believe it truly saved me.

My ex and anyone close to her have been blocked on my phone from the minute she picked up the last of her stuff. Initially I blocked her on FB and LinkedIn. Over time I increased the security settings on both and removed the blocks.

The flip side has been I have been stalked, Credit Fraud, Insurance Fraud and ID Fraud going on.

I have maintained no contact and nothing in this world will allow her to get near me or m family again.

Due to the recent flying monkeys sent by her to me and yet another incident of ID Fraud on my report, I have resorted to blocking her again everywhere, and my daughter has done the same (she turned up at my daughters uni before graduation)

Stick with it, life does get better. Put yourself and your families first. Do a lot of self care, eat healthily, cycle or a sport and know that in time you will come out of everything a much much better person.

[greenmonkey]

Just occupy yourself doing other things. FB is their tool to show everyone how wonderful their life is - when in fact it is the total opposite.

Look after you, put your health and needs first. Don't let the ex have space in your head as they truly don't deserve it.

You will come out of this a much better person and learnt important life lessons. Just stick with it

[pjstock42]

Still sitting at just about a month of 100% successful NC that I enacted after she asked to "be friends" following her discard of me. Today is a tough day because it's her birthday and although I feel a bit mean not reaching out to her, I've decided that it wouldn't be worth it and I would rather continue to lengthen my streak of NC.

It's really tough to think about how just 1 year ago today, we were so in love and I had done so many little special things for her birthday. I was looking forward to doing special things for her this year as well but this isn't a productive thought pattern to be having so I need to divert my attention elsewhere.

[kc sunshine]

I made it through yesterday without checking her facebook! Today I face that same challenge. It's day 6 of NC and I'm now at my mom's house helping her out. It is often hard here because I'm sad because of her illness and also there is not a whole lot to do so I can't really keep myself busy socially or otherwise. Two things that I'm thinking about today:

The Buddhist insight into happiness and well being: attachment causes suffering... .the way to happiness (for us and for all) is through detachment, the way to detachment is through living a good life (right speech, right action, right understanding, etc). For me that speaks to me in that the goal for healing from this relationship and the goal for a happy life is the same. That thought is helping me look for ways to practice living well and staying present in whatever moment I am living. 

The research on the vagus nerve: Research says if you do long exhales, you calm yourself and increase your feelings of well being, etc. I'll practice it today, and report back!

On my focus on my life to do list:
-- exercise and laugh with my mom
-- make plans for trip
-- yoga
-- talk to kids and laugh with them
-- finish the article
-- take a good long shower
-- think good thoughts about myself

how are you all doing?

[DreamerGirl]

Six weeks and one day NC (apart from his business like text to me two weeks ago, which I ignored).

It seems to have got harder.

They may be the reality setting in.  I won't be caving, but it is very hard.

I miss him, so much at times. 

I keep putting a true thought of how many times he disappointed me or how many times he cut me off with silent treatment, and how that made me feel, next to the longing thoughts.

This is a much harder road, than I thought it would be.

I think one of the hardest aspects for me to grasp, is how did he go from saying how much he loved and adored me, in the morning, to suddenly cutting me out of his life.  I just can't get my mind around this.   I know when I can accept I will never have an answer to that, then I am on the road back.

[uniquename]

Oh god yes let me in to the team. If I had seen this post and I would have written this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297837.0

This is 1 week for me. Well, I guess I started last Sunday but it's been since Monday that he has gone NC too. I have a no-contact protective order so if he does he can be arrested.

I ruminate. I find I need to do something always or I start getting into extreme anxiety and depression.  I've been reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline a lot. Especially the description of the phases of grief with examples for us. I am SO just like the Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression stages that when I read Acceptance I am hopeful I'll get there. I've been going to church. I'm going to Codependents Anonymous, even though I think it's just with him, it still helps. I have the serenity prayer as the lock screen wallpaper on my phone. I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week Family-to-Family class. I plan to go to a NAMI support group tomorrow night for the second time (they're monthly).

I blocked his cell phone on Day 2. He hadn't called but I decided I just didn't want it. On my iPhone, I had already turned off notifications for his texts but this was the next step. (Ok, T strongly suggested it.) I blocked him on Facebook two days ago I think. I was doing what you were, kc, and needed to stop. I got an excuse because a friend wrote a public post I wanted to respond to about mental illness and I realized I wouldn't want him to be able to see it. So two birds one stone.

The hardest part is the lack of validation that he's not getting better. I have a big fear he's going to get better fast even though T says not a chance and I'll have ruined our marriage. But I guess getting better would also mean he would take responsibility for his actions so he'd see mine were perfectly reasonable. <sigh> You're helping already!

It is so lovely to be out of the negativity. I feel I can be myself for the first time and I'm realizing I'm so much more giving and happier and optimistic than him. Our dogs are happier. At dinner, I talk to 16D instead of watch TV. It's really incredible.

I just also worry constantly that he's not getting the care he needs. He's a person. I love him. It's so hard.

[uniquename]

Sorry I thought of more. Lol
- I'm finding myself tempted to be self-destructive. My T said "only 1 drink" before I went to a work happy hour on Thursday after our session. She was right. I was tempted to get drunk. I never have before in my life for fear of losing control.

- it's related I'm sure but I'm also tempted to get attention, over-share. That can be self-destructive in itself. I think self-destructiveness is also a call for attention though. Is it everyone's attention I want or enough so it gets back to him?

I have to step back and think before every Facebook post, comment, sentence in a conversation really, and decide is this truly appropriate or a cry for help/attention/self-destructive. 

[kc sunshine]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things uniquename! Accessing lots of help and resources-- that is just fantastic. What a hard road but it sounds like you are determined to get to the other side! Me too, fingers crossed.

I didn't check her facebook yesterday, another day! It is still rough rough rough though, and I woke up today hoping for a text from her-- nope.

Today is day 8-- on my docket for today is:
finish up work
figure out my schedule
go swimming with my nieces
skype with my kids
laugh with my mom

Sorry I thought of more. Lol
- I'm finding myself tempted to be self-destructive. My T said "only 1 drink" before I went to a work happy hour on Thursday after our session. She was right. I was tempted to get drunk. I never have before in my life for fear of losing control.

- it's related I'm sure but I'm also tempted to get attention, over-share. That can be self-destructive in itself. I think self-destructiveness is also a call for attention though. Is it everyone's attention I want or enough so it gets back to him?

I have to step back and think before every Facebook post, comment, sentence in a conversation really, and decide is this truly appropriate or a cry for help/attention/self-destructive. 

[kc sunshine]

Hi again!

Today it is so hard to not check her facebook! Here's what I'm telling myself: 1) she is still in idealization phase with her new gf, so why would I want to see that? 2) she is also in punishing phase with me, so why would I want to set myself up for that punishment? 3) I can check it later-- maybe next month sometime, when the heat is off somewhat.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things uniquename! Accessing lots of help and resources-- that is just fantastic. What a hard road but it sounds like you are determined to get to the other side! Me too, fingers crossed.

I didn't check her facebook yesterday, another day! It is still rough rough rough though, and I woke up today hoping for a text from her-- nope.

Today is day 8-- on my docket for today is:
finish up work
figure out my schedule
go swimming with my nieces
skype with my kids
laugh with my mom

Sorry I thought of more. Lol
- I'm finding myself tempted to be self-destructive. My T said "only 1 drink" before I went to a work happy hour on Thursday after our session. She was right. I was tempted to get drunk. I never have before in my life for fear of losing control.

- it's related I'm sure but I'm also tempted to get attention, over-share. That can be self-destructive in itself. I think self-destructiveness is also a call for attention though. Is it everyone's attention I want or enough so it gets back to him?

I have to step back and think before every Facebook post, comment, sentence in a conversation really, and decide is this truly appropriate or a cry for help/attention/self-destructive.