Counseling sessions

[Harri]

Hi.  I recently started counseling.  Talk about being lucky, I actually have *free* weekly counseling with a resident of psychiatry who is fresh and eager to work with me.  He is my only option as there is no way I can afford weekly or even monthly co-pays... .so I am fortunate that he is a good fit for me.  What a gift!

It is important that I see someone as my anxiety is at an all time high, panic attacks are back in force and I am isolating to the point where I am afraid I will become house bound eventually.  Over the last three years, being out of work due to health issues and having very little outside contact other than nurses and doctors, I have not realized just how often I dissociate and just drift away to that place of blissful nothingness.  Well, I can't miss it in counseling.  It is frequent and almost automatic.   I drift off mid-discussion, shut off my emotions and my tears, I put up blocks with assurances that I already know something and that I have it handled, when clearly I do not.    I frequently tell my T that it is a good thing he is paying attention otherwise we would be lost.  As upsetting as I find this, it is almost a relief to realize that all of that is the cause of my inability to focus and stay on task.  Posting here has been sporadic as has my self-care at home.  I spend most of my days drifting and fretting.  I am taking Prozac now and that seems to be helping.  A previous anti-anxiety med worked almost too well... .I was too relaxed and cared about nothing.  I am hoping for a happy medium with this new med.

In session, I resort to sarcasm, humor to deflect, I verbally abuse myself, point out my flaws etc.  The amount of negative self talk is startling.  All of it is real and I genuinely believe those negative things about myself.  In moments of clarity, that realization makes me sad.  I wonder who I really am or how I 'should' be... .and I immediately tell myself to walk away from that particular rabbit hole.  I think though that I should not just stop there, but perhaps allow myself to grieve a bit with the knowledge that I was shaped by my childhood in ways that are not so ... .can't think of the word.  Not so... .normal?  healthy?

I find it ironic that I thought I was going into the office with no barriers... .only to be made aware of these behaviors that serve to put up a wall between me and my T.  He set me straight about that on Tuesday.  

More ironies:  T said he thinks I am putting myself in a box that I labeled crazy to keep myself safe and so I can just say "I am crazy, why bother" when talking about certain issues.  The irony?  I get p'ed off with anyone who tries to put me in a box or label me.  I am reminded of that phrase "whatever you despise in another is that which you despise about your self" (<--- poorly paraphrased but you get the idea).  Even more ironic is that I have been angry and hurt with a friend who won't let me out of the box she created for me long ago.  

Part of my homework this week is to try to stay in my fear/anxiety and think about what happens in the moment of panic and shut down.

So far I have come up with my familiar fear/struggle to view myself as a victim.  I did a thread back in February on this and questioned whether I was using certain beliefs to remain in denial.  I was unable to finish the thread then but I may resurrect it to explore a bit more.  I have spent quite a bit of time reading some of the older threads I participated in as well and came across a gem from justnothing that I missed when she wrote about it last year.  She mentioned the idea of 'conditioned choice' in response to a paragraph where I talked about making choices as an adult that kept me in the abuse and therefor made me responsible for my experiences.  

I think I am ready, or almost ready, to further explore these two areas.  

A big fear about embracing 'victim' is that I do not know what all of this should look and sound like.  How does it sound when someone embraces the fact that they were a victim of abuse, but in a healthy way?  No whining, no pity party, no woe is me crap.  I don't seem able to imagine it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Harri!
 So nice to see you here.   I'm really glad that you've found a good match with this T! Sounds like he's good with you too, and I can already see from what you've shared that this is also going to be quite an eye opening experience.

... .it is almost a relief to realize that all of that is the cause of my inability to focus and stay on task

This is a wonderful realization and discovery for you  which helps to validate all those questions that most certainly have waltzed through your mind endlessly for quite some time now. Are you enjoying the mental challenge and stimulation? Homework may help you stay focused a bit more and you mentioned that you have some to work on.

I wonder who I really am or how I 'should' be... .and I immediately tell myself to walk away from that particular rabbit hole.

My own T and journey has taken time to begin to discover this as well. I'm sorry for how many, if not most of us, who don't have a clue who we really are. Many of my first miles in T and mental processing were those steps of blindly going forward, trusting that someday I'd hopefully get there. There has been a lot of grieving through this process, and it's no surprise that you are touching grief as a part of your discoveries as well. Keep going! One step at a time. Remember there's no race, and no time frame to our journey. 

Wools 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI HARRI:  

I'm so glad that you found a therapist that you like.  The price sounds right.    I like to have a little homework in therapy.  I think it helps us develop coping skills.

How do you feel when you have a panic attack?  Is there any pattern (i.e. early a.m., end of the day or just any time)?  

I recognize with me, that anxiety and panic are at least partially genetic.  I'm phasing into the time of year when I initially wake up in a bit of a panic/worry.  If I get out of bed and get active, I eventually tame it.  I generally take a very low dose of Celexa during Fall and Winter.  It generally works best if I start it at this time, as the days start to get shorter.

You might want to check out the link below at Anxiety.Org.  You can sign up to use some free tools to track your anxiety.  I just signed up for it myself.  It has some interesting tools and appears as if it would help you with tracking for your current homework.  I just signed up and am giving it a try.  Why don't you check it out and see what you think about it?  If you decide to use it, I has some problems with using a Chrome Browser.  It worked best for me with Firefox.

https://abctracker.anxiety.org/  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Harri,

Good to see you back, sad to hear you’re struggling. Struggling a bit myself, so I’ll be brief. You mention quiet a lot of success in you post. You are very aware of the issue, which is normally the biggest sticking point (got over that) and you’ve got weekly sessions , that’s great ! From what you say your T is helping to centre you and your isolation is allowing you to drift. This forum would be more than happy to help out during the week with centering etc...

I also suffer badly from dissociation and something that helps is finding something riveting, so for me that’s a particular computer game or strenuous physical exercise. Every time my mind wonders I go for a quick walk. In fact my sister use to walk 5 miles every day so we haven’t see her for years. (borrowed joke). But hang in there Harri, sounds like you are trucking in the right direction.
   

[Harri]

Thanks for the warm welcome Wools, Naughty Nibbler and HappyC.  I feel like a louse after you and others here have been so supportive and understanding with me but I have run away, skipped out and called time-out time and again.  Another habit.  Another form of denial.  Another form of self-harm and isolating.  None are good for me.  I miss the connection with people here.  I get overwhelmed and so dang tired.  I'm not sure how to manage it all and I can't tell what is related to mental and emotional fatigue and the physical fatigue I have.  I feel like I have to give before I can take any more from this place and I am not sure I have it in me right now.  I want to say I promise I won't run away again but I won't, I can't say it.

Wools, I am enjoying the mental challenge and stimulation.  In spite of what I wrote above, I am excited and happy to be in therapy.  I need the guidance and the support.  I've hit so many walls on my own and I finally can stop banging my head against them.

The other parts of my homework are directed towards getting me more active and involved in ways that are manageable given my physical disabilities.  One is to establish a call line here in the condo building I live in.  There are several of us who live alone and are sick and several elderly who I think would benefit from daily calls.  I know I am terrified that I will die and not be found for a couple of weeks (once my home care nuring visits end).  A very real possibility and a very sad commentary on the state of my social life.  It was never all that big, but this is really bad.  Another project is to find out what sort of commitment would be required of me if I were to train to teach adults how to read.  The idea of people not being able to read makes me sad.  

I have only planned out the steps I need to take for these two tasks but have halted at actually calling and getting more specific information.  Both of these tasks are doable but I am struck with fear of having people depend on me, to commit to something, to have to give of me until I lose what little is left of me.  I realized recently that the longest commitment I have made is 15 years with my internet service provider.  That both makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Wools, you said that there is no time limit or race and I do understand what you mean but for me there is... .or at least I think there is.  I know none of us know when we will die, but chances are I will die sooner rather than later.  I feel a push to work on me, to learn what I need to learn in this life.  Turkish, in another thread, asked if there was any rule that said I had to work on me while dealing with my body betraying me.  I found that I do have a rule that says I must or at least the idea/belief that my body is betraying me because of my mind and how I am now.  It is all connected.

Naughty Nibbler, thank you for the link.  I checked out the site and will consider joining (notice the reluctance to commit, even to a free site where I control how I use it?).  So sorry to hear that you also experience anxiety, but glad you are getting help.

There are no patterns to my panic attacks in terms of time of day, activity or anything I can identify.  They just come.  My heart speeds up and it feels like it skips a beat.  I lose my breath.  My claustrophobia is very bad.  For example, we lost power one evening about 2 weeks ago, shutting off the AC and fans I have going.  I have been sleeping on the couch lately and I immediately started panicking because it is too dang hot and humid to open the windows or doors and I felt closed in, losing my breath, running out of air.  I live alone in a 1100sq.ft condo for crying out loud... .with an open floor plan and large sliders along the entire back wall to boot!  Yet there I was, unable to sleep, afraid of running out of air.  Suffocating is my big fear and the hot humid air makes it hard to breathe.  My plan was to take a pillow out to my car and sleep in the cool AC if needed and to heck with the cost of gas.  It never came to that, but I was prepared.

HappyC, I am sorry to hear you too are struggling.  Please jump in here and post about it if you like, I do not mind sharing at all.  Thanks for pointing out the positives in my post.  I feel all whiney and needy, questioning if this is a pitiful post yet here I am.  Another pattern I have when I feel overwhelmed and panicky it to just plunge ahead and damn the consequences.  

Dissociation is a bit tricky isn't it?  :)oing a specific task to clear my head is a good idea.  Walking?  I wish i could but I am quite sure I would be walking non-stop right along side your sister!  haha  Thanks for your warm and welcoming response HappyC.  It feels good to post even tho I feel like a whiner.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Harri:

I had several nights last Summer, where I would wake up approx. 2 hrs. after going to bed and had  panic and breathing problems.  I'm not clear if it was the humidity and some possible allergies, anxiety, or a combination.  Multiple times, I went outdoors and paced in my back yard for a bit and did some breathing exercises.  I found one game on my Ipad that I got involved in.  It became my panic game, .  It was an arcade game, and had different situations where you had to knock cans off various configurations of ledges/shelves.  It served a purpose of getting my mind occupied.  After awhile, the suffocating feeling left and I was able to go back to bed and sleep.  When it happens, you might try to occupy your mind in some way (game, mindful meditation, some hobby, etc.).  What are some thing you might do the next time you go into panic mode at home? 

I know I am terrified that I will die and not be found for a couple of weeks

You aren't alone with those thoughts.  I've anticipated that I'd likely die alone and not be found until the mail box gets so overflowing that a postal worker asks for a welfare check.  Actually, I made peace with that.  When I'm gone, I'm not in my body any more.  I've rationalized that it is not worth worrying about.  I'm better served to worry more about how I'm living.  Is it important to you that you body be handled in a certain way, once you die?  I realize that it can be an issue for some people and there can be certain religious protocol .

The thought of volunteering is a good one.  Teaching people to read is an admirable cause and I'm sure the people you help would be very grateful and not judgmental.  There are plenty of volunteer opportunities out there, so if teaching people to read doesn't work out, there are other options.  I've actually touched base with a wetlands wildlife rehab. and plan to start some volunteer work there in a month or two.

Take care & keep us updated.