Emotional Abuse/narcissism and Where are you God?

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Been a while since I've been here. Been in hell. Still in hell working my way out. Too many details. Too much therapy. To much to explain. It all.

Joined a domestic abuse group for women dealing with abusive men. Thought to myself, no, not me. Then did lots of research. Studying. Podcasts. Articles. And my own personal therapy. Yup. It fits. And finally I felt understood. People got it!

- side note do not do therapy with your partner of they have any of these disorders or issues! It makes things worse! And they're so manipulative my hBPD even said I was abusing him! And the therapist told me I was controlling and pressuring and that if I got divorced I would just be in the same situation! Thus blaming me for his abuse.

Finally came to the realization he is BPD/narcissistic/abuser

Figured out my dad has been physically abusive and angry - I've over looked certain events because he is the only verbal supporter growing up

My mom emotional and verbal abuser to me only

My sister narcissist we are in no contact due to name calling and belittling and refusal to own up to it, the lashing out completely not validated

Realizing all this makes me sick. In my domestic abuse class I wanted to vomit or hyperventilate  all the things I'm learning about have been my life

I have finally started lists and plans on what needs to happen for me to safely leave. But what I'm finding especially hard is having to constantly tell him no to sex. I don't feel safe. I don't feel respected. Thus I don't want to have sex. He's getting more and more aggressive about it and I'm afraid if I say hey until i say green light just stop trying, I'm afraid it will cause another cycle. I cannot handle another cycle but I cannot safely financial leave now. But I'm so done.

We have a business together. We need to finish our contracts and it will dissolve and I need to find a job and have some sort of income. I have started to sell stuff online. Praying it sells. Quickly. Will need to find a roommate luckily my uncle knows what's Going on and owns the condo. He will give me time.

I seem okay, but I'm pretty devastated.

Need prayers and encouragement.
Need to see a clear path that God wants me to travel down
Don't know what the next move is and it feels so wrong giving up a business that is doing so well and I've killed myself over :/
Having some anger issues with God too like why was all this allowed in my life?

But I am happy I finally am out of the denial stage. But it hurts.

[UnforgivenII]

God is right there near you. Leading the way out.

[DreamerGirl]

 so many hugs Hanging,

My heart goes out to you.  I can feel feel your pain.

Your mind has begun to detach.  It's hard for you because you need to keep up pretenses with him, but do what you need too do, until you are in a position where you can walk away, safely.   Keep focused on you.

I only just came came to the realization about my ex borderline/narcissist and I'm struggling to process how I let the wool be pulled over my eyes.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hanging,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Facing the truth of our experiences can hurt so much. And it makes so much sense to me that you don't want to have sex—how could you if you don't feel safe? And then having to deal with feeling even more unsafe is so difficult.  

Step by step. You have realized that you want out. That is HUGE. Be gentle and patient with yourself. It will be hard going and of course you want to get out yesterday, but step by step you will get through this and feel free.

Maybe God has brought these decisions into your mind in the first place? And shown you that there are resources out there that will help you... .like here.    Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

Regarding the boundaries around sex: have you tried validating his desire in a gentle way and then kindly and firmly stating your truth/boundary? How does he usually react to this kind of conversation?

heartandwhole

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Wholeandheart

He usually huff puff groans or moans or pouts calls me selfish leaves or just gets all bent out of shape - I just waiting for him to return to the flipping out part of the cycle of abuse ... .He's been in the nice phase for 3 weeks which is a long time. I'm exhausted. Hanging by threads. I can't handle another cycle. Not right now.

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Thank you dreamergirl - pretty sure it because I was raised in it and never realized these behaviors are not okay.

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Unforgiven - it doesn't feel like that. Reading the word and the scriptures on gods protection and stuff just makes me mad, because who protected me from my upbringing?

Where was God when my mom and I had a bad relationship and she convinced me I was bipolar and had me on antipsychotics that I shirking have been taking and landed me in the hospital for "high levels of toxic meds i didn't need" or my dads anger?

Like I'm to have faith in his plan and in this struggle, to believe God won't give me more than I can handle, but I can't handle this  now. Im trying to find solace in the word, but I'm only feeling angry because I don't see the promises happening.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; (‭Psalm‬ ‭121‬:‭7‬ NIV)

4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. (‭Psalm‬ ‭20‬:‭4‬ NIV)

1 May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. (‭Psalm‬ ‭20‬:‭1‬ NIV)