Dealing with Trauma and changing moods

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey, Not sure if this is for here, or the healing board, anyways... .

So I am finding that as I am working with my new trauma T, that my personality is changing.  I believe that I am integrating many experiences an hidden parts of me, and the result is that my personality is evolving to be a bit more ... .umm... .dynamic?

Specifically, I find myself more irritable, or saying things a bit more harsh than I usually would.  I see this as a good thing though.  I see this as me learning to allow negative feelings to surface for the first time, then learning what to do with them and allowing them to exist.

Problem is... .
I am now left a bit socially phobic.  I am afraid of messing up.  Or saying something inappropriate.  My filters are a bit lowered and it seems to take me making social mishaps to learn.  Part of me feels like a teenager who learns and says things then changes their style for a better response from others next time.  Yet, I am over 40.

So to find balance?
To figure out how to feel comfy with myself, with making mistakes?  To be accepting of me.

So far, there have been consequences like loss of a "friend" or some turmoil added to a relationship as I learn to express more needs.  

So To counteract my focus on the negative aspects, I am trying to see some positives and experience them.  So far though, I am mostly avoidant of being in situations where I may mess up.

Thoughts please?
Support welcomed too! :D

[NotThatGuy]

I'm going through something similar, in a slightly different context.  I'm not repressing so much, being more genuine in my responses, with the unfortunate side effect that I'm more abrasive, and more anxious about people's reactions.  It *does* feel a lot like being a teenager, which is not a welcome development at this stage of my life (late 30s, married, job, mortgage, kids!).

I certainly don't have a good answer to this, but my approach has been a sort of "keeping it real" philosophy.  When I'm grumpy, I apologize for any ways I acted out, and figure out what to do differently next time.  I'm trying to be proactive about my emotional state and my needs, using limit-setting not just in response to BPD behaviors, but with myself as well.  Learning to say, "you know, it's not about you, but I'm feeling really irritable right now, and I need to do X for a bit."  The social anxiety, I'm working on with a combination of mindfulness and CBT techniques.  I'm learning to accept the anxiety for what it is, and not let it rule me, but also taking the time to examine where it's coming from, and validate the emotions while I challenge the thought distortions that come with them. 

Bottom line, this is a process of learning new coping skills, and that first means giving up the old dysfunctional ones.  There's inevitably going to be a period of poorer coping involved, but that's the only way to continue growing. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY SUNFLOWER: 

Congrats on your progress! 

So far, there have been consequences like loss of a "friend" or some turmoil added to a relationship as I learn to express more needs. 

Are you able to share an example or two?  Is it a matter of making less of an effort to please (seeking more of a give and take balance or saying "no" and not obligating yourself to things, or shutting down an emotional vampire), or is it a situation of being a bit grouchy?

Situations will vary and maybe certain friendships need to go.  But, if after reflection, you determine you might want to apologize to someone for some action, that can be an option (in a case on unintended consequences).

After while, you may sometimes opt to feel the feelings, but reserve comment or action.  Many times, I find that I fair better if I feel the bad feelings, but take some time to either write them out or walk them instead of expressing them.  Most often, I discover that I'm glad that I didn't say something to someone or act upon my emotions spontaneously.  I can always say something later.  One logic I use is to "pick the hill I want to die on".  (meaning some things need to slide, and the most important issues confronted).  This is not to say that I bottle up my feelings.  I'm thinking that it can be advantageous to try and reach a balance.  Sometimes, expressing our honest emotions to someone is essential, other times, I'm glad that I vented the feelings in an alternate manner (journaling, exercising, meditation, etc.)

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you NotThatGuy,

I find just putting it out there, talking about it some is quite helpful.

Thanks for sharing how you relate. At 40 something, yea, I feel silly to seem a bit teenager like at some moments.

Sounds like addressing your anxiety keeps the "reactivity" or such down.  Makes sense.  Makes sense that self care and self soothing help alleviate an extent.

Glad to hear you are able to identify what is working for you!
I am finding the mindfulness most useful myself.

Humm, validating emotions... . I think that I can see some room for work in this aspect.  I am a but harsh inside to myself, so likely this also seeps out.  If I work on some of my self talk stuff and showing intentional compassion and care to myself, not only would I be reemphasizing a more general compassionate response, but likely would also be caring for the part of me that feels sore enough to speak too bluntly too swiftly.

Thank you!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler,

Would love to ramble off some examples!

Ex 1:
So one friend I was a bit critical.  Told him he was speaking in circles, "Can you get to a point?This method of communicating is not effective at resolving much unless you just wanted me to passively agree with you, which i just don't feel like doing atm.  But if you have a point and want to do some problem solving, lets talk, I just am not able to listen for the sake of you feeling good with repeating yourself in varying forms until you get me to agree with you as I actually do not but that idea seems not allowed to exist for you right now, so maybe I need to go so I do not speak rudely as I am feeling ill and short on filters I usually have, but don't now."  That is the jist.  He attempted to try to convince me MORE to side with him.  Some JADE cr*p. So I was like, uh, yea, I'm not really being heard or existing for this conversation huh?  Ok, time to go, let's talk laters.

He must have been shocked, offended, embarrassed.  He has been "NC" since.

I would be too if a friend shared an opinion of me seemingly being a burden but never expressing it and then finding out that (s)he was often being "polite" vs honest.

Ex 2: General expressions that are not typical of me... .such as an incident of road rage.  I NEVER care a bit about traffic and such.  Traffic has Never affected my mood, just not my style.  Found myself last week rolling down my window to scream at a guy and offer solutions to his dumbfounded face and GF as he was blocking an entire street (there were moving and construction vehicles making it only one lane) with his car and there were a variety of options like pulling into a driveway to allow me to pass, backing out, etc.  he decided to literally NOT MOVE! Lol! I decided to educate him on options quite loudly. Had this been like 6months ago when I had more polite filters, I would have choose a solution to allow the person to save face better, such as, "hey, you waiting for someone there? Mind pulling off over there so I can pass?" Or "You need help?  Looks like your stuck somehow? Oh, your not, mind pulling that way?"

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Humm, apologize.  Idk.  It bothers me to have hurt the friends feelings, but I was honest.  If I apologize, I feel like it should be, "Hey, sorry for sitting through you droning on all the time and never speaking up because I am just waiting for the 1% spotlight time you may give an issue of mine any pretend to have consideration for me.  Suppose I should have spoke up sooner." Uh, that sounds MORE rude!  Yea, I am ok that we are not friends.  I prefer I was more honest all along, and more tactful when revealing my feelings.  It would be nice if we spoke casually, but I am not sure I should reach out to repair it.  It honestly scares me to think I will not be able to apply boundaries and the fear of not feeling I will stick up for myself makes me think: good riddens.  Yet, I also know that maturity means feeling confident in setting boundaries and speaking up for myself in a way I can be proud of myself and comfortable with.

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I think what you say about allowing the feelings and deciding how to handle them is key here.

I am working at unearthing things in T, this means some filters get lowered, and I suppose, I need to learn to keep a lower filter that allows me to experience things, without feeling they are happening TO me.

I have never in my life ever felt much sense of being impulsive.  It is so odd and foreign to me that the treatment unearths things, then I feel moments of impulsivity.  I think the sense of impulsivity is actually shocking to me maybe as much as some of the results, and also the idea of a personality evolving and changing from how I defined it for so many years. Odd.  Thanks for listening.  Sorry, I find myself way way chattier and long winded than I already am as a result as well! :/

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY SUNFLOWER:

Thanks for sharing.  I'm sure you are probably sharing your examples with your therapist.  Hopefully, your therapist will help guide you to balance out your feelings and lead you to a means of processing anger in a healthy manner, and perhaps taming some of what you are feeling now.  Some things have a diminishing point of return (beneficial to a degree, but harmful past a certain point).

Be careful with road rage situations.  We have had several road rage shootings in California, by raging individuals.  You never know if the person you yell at might pull out a gun.  This week, a family of 4 in their SUV were shot at by an enraged driver because some water splashed on the shooter's vehicle, when the family used windshield washing feature on their vehicle.

Best wishes with processing your new found emotions.  

 

 

[woundedPhoenix]

Working through trauma causes the changing moods.

Its only months after my BPD breakup that i begin to see how deeply i have been reconditioned in that relationship. How much of my freespirited lifestyle i had to give up, how much i had to restrain myself to make this relationship work, how i basically lived synchronized on the waves of my partners mood, depressions and manic moments. I had forgotten who i was and what drives me, where my own energy comes from.

And slowly, through these erratic mood shift... .you start to rebuild yourself, work all the reconditioning out of the door and slowly reinstall yourself. So you are fighting between who you had to be and what was made of you in the r/s, and what you know is actually true anout yourself.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks guys for taking the time to reply!

So, well, we actually do not spend time on the details of specific life issues in therapy, we seem to be tackling things on a more global level.  So it could be helpful to get that type of support here, or elsewhere maybe. 

Yes, there is some sort of "reconditioning" happening as I am listening to my own thoughts and feelings and not just the people around me.

I did learn on here a while ago from someone the concept of buckets, I suppose it applies here, it was quite helpful for me before.

I can think of the buckets, keeping their emotions in their bucket, mine in mine.  Except this time, instead of dipping my fingers into their bucket, I can think of not splashing water onto them.  I used the bucket concept to work on not overempathizing with others, I guess ot works the other way too.  (Sorry if you don't know what the heck I mean by buckets, idk how to explain it, just heard it around here some times.)

[Naughty Nibbler]

SUNFLOWER:  
Below is some info. you might find helpful in regard to "Anger Bucket"

Emptying Our Anger Bucket
www.selfgrowth.com/articles/emptying_our_anger_bucket

Doused with a Bucket of PTSD Anger
www.ptsdspirituality.com/2010/09/03/ptsd-spirituality-doused-with-a-bucket-of-ptsd-anger/

The Anger Bucket Workshop
https://theangerbucket.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/the-anger-bucket-prerelease-6-19-14.pdf