I don't think my ex made me doubt my sanity but certainly made me guess about what I said and what she said and if things were ever said at all - not sure if there is a formal term for that.
oh sure, as did mine. ill give you two (hopefully quick) examples that i learned from.
1. i forget the details but we were fighting and in a circular argument. i was deliberately invalidating all over the place. eventually she began to calm down and see things from my perspective, but she kept insisting "but i
feel that way". "maybe youre right but i
feel that way". im not sure what i said to that but it was probably just more invalidation explaining that if it didnt happen she had no reason to feel that way.
2. another circular argument, this time over different perceptions of something that occurred. she was insistent upon hers, i was insistent upon mine. only in this case, she couldnt tolerate me having another perception. shed get angrier and angrier telling me her version WAS what happened. i was a bit more level headed in this one. i told her we had two different versions of events and she was entitled to hers, i was entitled to mine, and she could get as angry as she wanted, but mine wasnt going to change. she didnt like that (ultimately i was invalidating, and it probably came off like "nyah nyah".)
its a nice metaphor for my relationship, and the second example is the kind often referred to as gaslighting. really all it was was feelings equaling fact to her, and an argument over two different versions of events. usually youll see gaslighting used in websites about "abusers" and "psychopaths", as a malicious, deliberate behavior that somehow theyve all learned how to do. youll see blogs with lists like "if your partner does these 10 things RUN" and it will be on there. at some point, any fight about different perceptions is "gaslighting" and cause to "run". in fairness, youll even see it in articles on psychology today.
is there a formal term for it? does there need to be? my second example (would help if i remembered details) provides someone with a clearer breakdown of what happened and it can be walked through, explored. you dont get much of a picture if i just tell you "my ex was gaslighting me". when i have walked examples through with other members, its usually a fight over two different perceptions of events. sure, one perspective may be distorted in many cases, though probably not always; communication breaks down in these relationships, and both parties stop hearing each other. and im sure there are literally examples where the ex said the non was crazy for their version of events, but you might call someone getting angry at you for not believing the sky is green crazy too. i did. was i gaslighting her?
the difference is subtle, but very important in terms of a balanced understanding.
I don't want to agree to this point but you are right and the T said EXACTLY this to me on multiple occasions.
the good news is that right now, you dont have to agree. if you want to blame the therapist right now, blame the therapist right now. i probably would. i never met my exes psychiatrist and i thought after the breakup that he was either an idiot or an enabler. chances are he knew exactly what he was doing; hed known my ex for most of her life and knew her issues.
truth is, we work on what we acknowledge, want to work on, and change. we arent very prone to going to therapy to discuss what someone tells us are our issues. sometimes a therapist can nudge us in that direction. sometimes we arent ready. its also possible that the therapist had a different perspective of what the big issues were.
Yes, Yes, Yes. But I never understood what she didn't hear. I could use a little clarity on your insights re: moving the goal post, pulled away and shifting focus. This does not sound so BPD but confusing as all heck to me. What did she want me to hear? My ask was simple, please be present about the verbal abuse stuff. I did ask the T what was it that my ex wanted and she said "safety at any and all costs"; did my actions make her feel unsafe and unheard because of what I was asking for?
did your actions make her feel unsafe and unheard because of what you were asking for? very possible. id need examples and details.
that bit of insight from the therapist sounds pretty dead on; she was hearing, and reading between the lines which is much easier to do without the attachment and hurt; also probably easier for your ex to articulate without the attachment and hurt. money in this case might be one representation of safety. the initial bond over childhood wounds and your understanding may have been one representation of safety. its an impossible burden for one person to provide, of course, though hearing and validating that fear/need is a start.
what i see on many levels is two people trying to change each other, an extremely common dynamic in relationships. i think you were obviously more clear and direct about identifying what you wanted to change. for her it was more subtle, and fleeting, not well articulated and hard to nail down, and based on feelings, feelings prone to changing. it sounds like initially she was able to meet your needs. when she wasnt, and you felt you had met hers, you grew resentful, and for lack of a better word, fought back. it strikes me, on some levels, as similar to trying to return to the idealization phase.
if im right (correct me where im wrong) this may also have its origins in childhood.
Repetition Compulsion has come up in another session for me. Perhaps. I know it was true in my younger days. As an interesting side note to this; before I met my now ex wife I had shared a lot of dating stories with a friend and told her how unfulfilled I felt. She asked me, then why do you keep dating women that you know you don't want a long term r/s with? Hit me like a ton of lead. Which made me change course and then lead me to be more open and a relationship with my now ex.
