8 months on I still can't heal - possible BPD ex now accuses me of harassment

[CitizenBell]

I just can't get over her. I work in the same place as her and she has a new bf now.

When I met my gf she was with someone else who worked in the same place. She would flirt with me so I brought up that I felt there was something there. She denied it, so I said I wanted to draw a line under it and not talk at work. So we stopped for about a week then started again and she would continue to flirt. Her ex left work, she breaks up with him, tells me she likes me. They were together four months. We have our first date three days later and we sleep together. Her ex was her first, I was her second.

Within two weeks she is talking about how I'll propose to her, sending me pictures of baby clothes. We book a hotel for our birthdays and she gets me a card saying:

"You've made me happy when I haven't been for so long, when I'm in your arms the world fades away and I can see a future I never dreamed possible. Thank you for being the other half of my heart, my rock and best friend. You're my first thought in the morning, my last at night, ever hour in between. Be my baby forever."

She buys me a photo-album for a present with writing saying 'To the start of our adventures, may we wander together forever', with a picture of our first date which she says is her fave picture ever. Her favourite sound is me laughing when she tickles me, her favourite sight is my smile.

I had travel booked as I volunteer abroad every year. She asks how much it would cost and she wants to come. I say not to the volunteering but that I'd love to travel round afterwards. So we're apart for 7 weeks.

In these 7 weeks she calls me her prince, her soulmate, her entire world, That I'm the most important person in her life and she wants to travel with me forever, that it's going to be the most amazing part of my life. That I'm the one. She talks about what our daughter will be called. I lost a child to an abortion once so I lapped it all up. I had told her this. She gets upset when I don't reply to her message after 15 minutes. She cries because she doesn't know my middle name and because she misses me so much, she says she can't cope. We send explicit messages too, she says I make her so happy and she's never felt this way about anyone, sometimes it overwhelms her feeling so deeply. There are other strange things... .I ask her if she's alright going to a party because she's told me she's shy in the past (she isn't, apparently she never shuts up now at work) and she says "Yes, they're (her friend's friends), some of them love me actually" which I thought was so bizarre.

She gets upset one night because the wi-fi cuts out and I can't talk to her she said she missed talking to her baby. She asks if I still love her.

She flies to meet me in Prague after our volunteering, says she feels like she's in a dream getting on the plane. Then 1 hour after getting to the apartment she cries saying she's homesick. She cries every night in Prague, looks miserable during the day. She says "What is the point of me? You're too good to me, anyone else would have told me to get out." She used to call herself insignificant too, always putting herself down. When we get to Vienna I ask if she wants to go home and she says yes so I book tickets to fly home early. I planned that trip for 12 months.

Vienna was still nice, kind of. But she still didn't want to be there.

When we get back home things are ok but she won't stay over. Her parents think she's still a virgin, very religious mother. In fact, she won't eat garlic because her mother doesn't like the smell. She had some issues with the pill when we were away, without taking a break, resulting in major bleeding and I know she felt unattractive but I didn't think it was to do with me. She was instigating in Prague. She still calls me her soulmate, that she loves everything about me and all that makes me me.

Then I make a phone call saying I'm not happy one day (not to do with her) and that I worry about her going to Cyprus permanently one day (her mum is from there). She cries because she says it's only been three months we shouldn't be worrying like this... .she sent me baby clothes pictures so I figured it wasn't too early to worry and the trip had made me insecure.

I don't know her abandonment issues kicked in or not. After that phone call she became testy. She still met my parents... .and the next day I text her saying "I guess, while I understand if you don't want to have sex right now, I don't know why you can't just come over and watch a film." She texts back "what do you mean, 'you guess'? I was so shocked, I thought you understood." I said I didn't word it well and she says "No, you didn't." Then I start to become needy like she was in the weeks apart, I let my insecurities get the better of me and I guess I just push her away. I tell her I can be quiet and introverted sometimes, that I can be shy, because she told me I could say anything and she'd be by my side forever.

I get passive aggressive with her because she isn't putting the effort in, which is on me but in my mind I had ended the trip of a lifetime for her and she was saying I didn't understand her. I send a sexy text even though I'd said I wouldn't, not for myself but because I want to make her feel better. She says "Glad I didn't open that next to my Mum." I said I was just trying to get something to resonate and she says "You already have and nothing has resonated." She breaks up with me that weekend. She cries about it, says she doesn't know what happened, she was so in love with me.

I chase her stupidly because I can't understand how someone goes from marriage and kids. She gets cold eventually and says the attraction isn't there. Again, I can't understand how she was so into me physically and then just not.

My Dad suffers from depression and I got diagnosed with an AVM. I text her a couple times asking if we can meet up to talk. Didn't know she had a new bf. Then I get hit by harassment claims at work. She said she called victim support (!) that I'm lurking in corridors and stairwells for her. I have barely seen her since the break-up but I have friends sit on a team next to her and we work in the same building.

It's not going any further. Management think she is manipulative and they know about her ex too (who had to go to A&E after the break-up. Does this sound like BPD? I don't know how she can go from saying those things to thinking so lowly of me. All I did abroad was look after her even though it hurt.

[CitizenBell]

For what it's worth, she also accused her ex was emotionally unstable and that she was scared. She was with him when he had to go to A&E, he had a panic attack when they split up. So I imagine that she said some pretty intense things to him too.

When she went into the meeting with the managers in regards to the harassment claims apparently she was crying and shaking but my friends have said she is totally fine at work, she is just laughing and chatting away, not looking at all like someone being harassed. My senior manager was told about it and immediately said "it's an act". She used to have my ex on her command and my ex would constantly send her boyfriend up to her to ask if she could be moved teams, she was stressed with the manager she was with, etc. etc.

[gotbushels]

Hi CitizenBell  

You mention that you're experiencing difficulty going on from where you are. These relationships are more confusing than many. You also mentioned that you've been subject to harassment claims. How confused you must be feeling. If I was subject to such things, I would probably find that confusing too.

"You've made me happy when I haven't been for so long, when I'm in your arms the world fades away and I can see a future I never dreamed possible. Thank you for being the other half of my heart, my rock and best friend. You're my first thought in the morning, my last at night, ever hour in between. Be my baby forever."

These statements, I'd consider, seem extreme for someone within two weeks of dating. For some perspective, I've seen "rock" analogies used when someone has a relationship with God. Or a deity. It seems that to receive these would feel very good for you. I think it's quite normal to feel very nice to some extent when someone tries to make us feel deity-like.

Again, for this:

In these 7 weeks she calls me her prince, her soulmate, her entire world, That I'm the most important person in her life and she wants to travel with me forever, (... .)

You mentioned your response:

(... .) so I lapped it all up.

So, I'd suggest when you're ready, that you explore this area:

I lost a child to an abortion once (... .)

There are other strange things... .I ask her if she's alright going to a party because she's told me she's shy in the past (she isn't, apparently she never shuts up now at work) and she says "Yes, they're (her friend's friends), some of them love me actually" which I thought was so bizarre.

This information would confuse me. It's unusual enough on its own to start questioning why you think it's bizarre. Does it interest you to find out why you overlooked this? I think there is something there that may help you.

I encourage you to explore the lessons on the right side bar of this page.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi CitizenBell,



I'd like to join gotbushels in welcoming you to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear about your abrupt breakup and the subsequent harassment claim; that is so painful to go through. I can definitely relate—I was shattered when pwBPD did a 180˚ on our relationship. I was "lapping it up" as you say, then crashed and burned. It hurt like no other breakup I'd ever had, and had my head spinning.

You've come to the right place for support. It's impossible to diagnose someone over he internet, as you know, but the behaviors you describe could be due to BPD, BPD traits, emotional immaturity, or a combination of some/all. The diagnosis isn't as important as the effect of the behaviors on you and the relationship. You will find people here that really understand what you are going through. There are also tons of resources and tools to help you recover from this loss and thrive again.

I know 8 months feels like a long time, but keep in mind that you have to see her at work, so that is a challenge that many of us didn't have to face when the relationship ended. Many members here are still working through the grieving process at 8 months, so you are not alone by any means.

It sounds like management is suspicious of your ex's behavior. Do you have supportive friends and family as well to lean on right now? Are you taking good care of yourself?

I encourage you to explore the website as much as you can. There are so many helpful articles that will assist you in making sense of what just happened. One that was particularly helpful to me is here:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Let us know what you think, CitizenBell. And keep posting. It really helps to write things out. We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole

[CitizenBell]

That link does resonate. I was doing well when I met her and felt like the only thing missing was a relationship.

She came along and it was like I could do no wrong. I was adored. It was an obsessive type of love... .she would wear yellow just for me, she bought new clothes and said she wanted to wait so I would be the first to see her in them. I would get good morning and good nigh texts all the time.

She did seem like she was looking to be complete. She would say we were like one person, one body, one soul. That she'd found her missing piece and we didnt have to wander alone anymore. Like she wanted to be enmeshed. It was possessive too and she would get jealous at times. She said I saved her from the last relationship, she was drowning and wanted me to rescue her.

I feel like in the 7 weeks apart she built me up in this image of an ideal man and then when she got to Prague and got homesick and I didn't meet her expectations she devalued me. Like she woke up from a dream. She would always talk about the future and growing old together, said she looked through the house magazines imagining us living together. And I don't know what she saw on the trip to make her change her mind. I couldn't be fun under those circumstances. We went to the zoo she didn't smile once.

I said to her she didn't seem herself and she said it was because I'd not spent that much time with her. Previously she told me she puts on an act of being happy.

I blame myself for opening up about stuff I shouldn't but I assumed we were past the attraction stage. Wrote this stupid little poem about being introverted that was way over the top. Like I feel overwhelmed sometimes, sometimes I don't know what to say.

And when we came back I continued like that. I was quiet around her, because I was worried about her. Wen I met her I didn't feel introverted. I felt that way because I had a bad experience volunteering that made me regress a bit. But she had told me she accepted me for who I was and didn't care if  was quiet as long as she was with me. She portrayed herself to be shy and quiet too.

When we go back were in the furniture section of a store I was kidding that we'd be like that in the future and she said "what, not talking?". So maybe it was that. But I was only that way because the trip had rocked me... .hearing your gf so down on herself, not eating, crying, holding her hair back when she vomits into the toilet... .having her look like she'd rather be anywhere else and not talking... .I didn't know how to act or talk to her after that. We never really talked about it when we got back. All my insecurities and the reason I changed as a man and bf were because of the trip. I embellished some insecurities to try and make her feel important and strong again and feel it just put her off me. But I never thought the girl who wrote that card would leave so soon

She never gave me the chance to explain that the man she fell out of love with wasn't the man she fell in love with.

And I was unhappy towards the end but now I know it's because she was pulling away. Even before she came to Prague though the constant messaging was too much. And she never did anything I had to so all the conversation work all she wanted to so was sext. So I don't know how she is so chatty now.

Everything was a fantasy for her. She couldn't wait to gaze into my eyes be in my arms here she belonged and tell me she loved me. When she did tel me it was a throwaway comment. Even meeting up in town it was like "can't wait to run into your arms at the bus stop"

And she encouraged me to fall in love and to tell her I loved her. Sent me a text saying " (friend) says you are soo in love with me" and when I was saying it was hard to put into words how I felt about her would say "it just takes three little words"

Did that girl ever exist? Or was it all an act?

[heartandwhole]

Did that girl ever exist? Or was it all an act?

I would say yes, she did exist, and she loved you in the way that she could. Unfortunately, she's also the girl who left you on a dime. That is what is so hard to accept. That she was "perfect" until she wasn't. 

A person with BPD usually has an unstable sense of self, so he/she may put a lot of effort into being exactly the partner that you want. She likely needed you to become very attached to her—as attached as she needed to be to you.

Your shyness during the trip sounds like the beginning of walking on eggshells to me. I understand that you said something happened at the volunteering to make you quiet, but did you also fear triggering another "mood" in your girlfriend? The dodging can happen so quickly... .

Many of these relationships are fantasy-based. Mine definitely was, and I can see it so clearly now. I heard things like "I've never felt this way before" and it made me feel special.

How are you dealing with your feelings since the breakup, CitizenBell?

heartandwhole

[CitizenBell]

I got that too. "I've never felt so deeply about someone, you're the only person that's made me feel that way."

The volunteering wasn't great because the lady running it wasn't particularly pleasant, but mostly it was because I missed my gf then. The shyness on the trip was just not knowing how to handle it. It wasn't shyness, I suppose, it was just that I didn't know what to say to her when she was being so uncommunicative. We didn't have the rapport and chemistry that we had before. It was the volunteering itself that made me feel shy and introverted again, like I had been before university. Travelling with my gf made it worse.

I was walking on eggshells when we got back though. There were a few times on the trip she got frustrated with me. Not shouting or yelling, just little comments. The issues she was having with the pill... .I told her I wanted her to feel like she could tell me about those sort of things and she snapped back "Well, I'm telling you now." She wouldn't let me go into the photography section of the art gallery because there were nude photos. Later in the apartment I was kidding around about it and said I've got the sexiest woman and she told me ":)on't compare women." When we were having sex in Vienna I struggled to get her bra off and she said something like "We'll have to get you bra-unhooking lessons." I am quite inexperienced and she knows that, so that hurt. She was inexperienced as well, she claimed. I think she was, I don't think you can fake that in the bedroom but I did wonder because she had all this sexy underwear she bought but "never had the chance to wear for anyone."

This was all after I'd just booked our flights home. Nothing before that. When we got back I definitely felt I was walking on eggshells. I mentioned possibly telling her parents we were together physically and she said "Thanks for putting up with me" and the above mentioned comment about staying over. And then that phone call I said I wasn't happy one day she was in tears and I just don't know why. It was because I wanted a future with her and was worried after the trip but she seemed to interpret it as something being wrong with the relationship. I'd listened to her insecurities for weeks, she always said she was worried about messing up and losing me. I don't think she realised how I felt on the trip, my heart was breaking every day because as soon as she asked to come I made it about her. Changed my entire route to take her to Rome. I suppose even before Prague... .when asking me to text back after 15 minutes (it was a three word message so I went in the shower) and saying "I sit and wait for your messages" I felt like I always had to be there. She would also say early on "You're never allowed another cigarette", "You have to learn to drive" and "It has to be romantic" when she was asking how I'd propose. Quite controlling.

So the eggshells came after the trip but I was constantly worried about her and always kept asking her how she was because I'd never had to see someone like that before. Perhaps it got overbearing, me always trying to talk about things but she never was able to discuss anything.

I'm not that experienced in relationships. I've had just this one, pretty much. The abortion was someone I wasn't actually with at the time. I had one girl interested in me at uni and one last year before my recent ex but she text saying "I hope this is the start of our future together" after one date and that freaked me out. Don't know why it didn't with my ex. That's why I've found it so hard. My shyness used to really hold me back and I worked on myself so much to the point I was chosen to train people at work and everyone said how fun it was when I did. I thought I finally found someone, at the age of 27, that really gets me "We just get each other, we're exactly the same person" and loved me for who I was, accepted my flaws like I did hers. It's why it's hit me hard because I don't have faith in myself to be able to find it again and if I do how can I trust that it's real this time?

It was all a fantasy. She seemed like she was after an escape. Talking about running away together, saying imagine us broke down on the middle of a train together, saying we'd go to Italy together and open our own restaurant. Roleplaying that we were the mum and dad of this little soft toy rabbit we had, actively naming our future daughter and talking about the house we'd live in together. "I don't know what our future will be like but I know we'll be happy. As long as I'm with my baby I don't care where I am. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere except your arms, I can't imagine being anywhere else." That I made her a woman for the first time (she had her first orgasm with me) and that she couldn't imagine ever being this happy, that her future could be that way.

Not sure if you know Wes Anderson the film director but she bought me a book for my birthday and wrote in it "May we always live in Wes Anderson land" like it was all some sort of dream. That card about how the world fades away when shes in my arms... .she'd spent one night with me at that point. Our first date, we'd been together three days at that point. And I tried to give her that fantasy. Two weeks before we broke up I'd gotten her flowers delivered and she'd said how amazing I was. Then I sent that sexy message and she was angry at me again. Before Prague she wanted to sext every day and it was so explicit in the end. First time we did it she said it was her best conversation ever.

I felt like I disappointed her. That she had so many expectations for me and for the trip and the bubble burst when it wasn't as romantic as she had pictured. She seemed genuinely surprised to see a homeless man. I wasn't there when she came out the terminal because I needed the toilet and she text "Well, I'm out now" and later said "I'm going to tell... .that you ruined it" which I took as a joke but wonder if there was a grain of truth there. Then she hits her head while we're having sex, starts crying from being homesick. Starts crying because her nail varnish bottle broke, cries the last night because she wanted the sex to be special (bought a new outfit) but couldn't because she was bleeding. So part of it was walking on eggshells, part of it was me genuinely concerned for her and I just had no energy left and nothing else to give. She even said I give and all she does is take. That loss of energy/confidence was due to her abroad. I never recovered

[CitizenBell]

I guess I feel like this 'amazing connection' that she had never felt before was all a myth. That she had a connection with her ex (she used to skip through the carpark holding his hand) and she has a connection with her new boyfriend. That the whole relationship feels less special because in her mind it was just something that didn't work out whereas to me it was the loss of a whole future. And the fact she's so chatty and happy now when she wasn't with me and gets on well with her team, I feel like she hits it off with a lot of people. "Crazy, quirky_____". She used to wear that label of crazy like a badge of honor. "My crazy ramblings", "My friends all say I'm crazy."

I used to think she wouldn't make things work with anyone because she said she was shy and that men were never interested in her and that eventually she might come back (which says a lot about my self-esteem I guess) but now she has her new bf I just think she'll easily find a guy whenever she wants. And it's weird, for a girl whose Mum tells her not to have sex, she lost her virginity last year and has slept with three boyfriends. And that's not a bad thing in itself, it's just the way she was brought up, it's strange to me. She never even told her parents she had a boyfriend the first time.

My friend told me afterwards someone had asked her about it and she'd just said "It's not a thing anymore." Like, two months before she was telling me she wanted to marry me. So I was thinking we had a special connection but it just wasn't at all to her.

[SoMadSoSad]

I guess I feel like this 'amazing connection' that she had never felt before was all a myth. That she had a connection with her ex (she used to skip through the carpark holding his hand) and she has a connection with her new boyfriend. That the whole relationship feels less special because in her mind it was just something that didn't work out whereas to me it was the loss of a whole future. And the fact she's so chatty and happy now when she wasn't with me and gets on well with her team, I feel like she hits it off with a lot of people. "Crazy, quirky_____". She used to wear that label of crazy like a badge of honor. "My crazy ramblings", "My friends all say I'm crazy."

I used to think she wouldn't make things work with anyone because she said she was shy and that men were never interested in her and that eventually she might come back (which says a lot about my self-esteem I guess) but now she has her new bf I just think she'll easily find a guy whenever she wants. And it's weird, for a girl whose Mum tells her not to have sex, she lost her virginity last year and has slept with three boyfriends. And that's not a bad thing in itself, it's just the way she was brought up, it's strange to me. She never even told her parents she had a boyfriend the first time.

My friend told me afterwards someone had asked her about it and she'd just said "It's not a thing anymore." Like, two months before she was telling me she wanted to marry me. So I was thinking we had a special connection but it just wasn't at all to her.

I relate to this post so much that I feel a little better... .thank you

[CitizenBell]

I relate to this post so much that I feel a little better... .thank you

Did you go through similar feelings? How did you heal?

I just can't stop thinking about the trip. I have such vivid memories of it, of the way she looked at certain times, the way she looked when she was crying and saying 'what is the point of her'? I cooked for her, made her cups of tea, let her use my phone to ring home, I ran her baths, I spent 40 minutes in the Salvador Dali museum while she tried to e-mail photos home using the wi-fi there.

I cried with her when she asked what the point of her was because I loved her so much. She said 'you're supposed to be the strong one' and maybe she didn't see me that way after because of it. But when she said that it was the trip that made her re-evaluate her feelings, made her think "I'm in a relationship, how do I really feel" I just couldn't understand what she'd seen in me those 10 days to put her off when I just took care of her.

I regret it every single day. Even though it wasn't ideal we had our little routines and we'd snuggle and watch Christmas films at night, go to the Christmas market every day. It was intimate in it's own way and I thought crying together would bring us closer together.

I said such stupid things when I got back. I told her I felt like I was boring her when I was like that and didn't have anything to say and she said I didn't bore her, she just liked texting me but maybe my quietness got in the way but I felt boring and quiet because of the trip, because I did the most exciting thing I knew to do for a girl, take her travelling, and she didn't smile once the whole time. I felt like I became needy and clingy the way she had been in the time apart (she was ultra-clingy) and I bombarded her with over the top compliments because I just didn't know how else to make her feel better after the trip, because she'd told me she'd ruined everything and I wanted to show her that she hadn't.

All those insecurities, the stupid poem I wrote about being introverted was all a product of the trip and seeing her that way and because she'd portrayed herself as being someone vulnerable with a lot of her own insecurities. I felt strong when I met her. But as a man and boyfriend to  have your girlfriend so excited to see you for 7 weeks and then want to go home after 2 hours, it totally knocked me.

She brought the wrong card as well so we'd have had to go home anyway and I don't know if she set out to not enjoy it or not. When she first asked about coming I was like 'Yeah, that sounds good' and she said "I'll ruin it for you." I said of course she wouldn't. But she did.

Whatever insecurities I had post-trip, I just felt like I was never given a chance prior to the break-up to address what it was she wasn't finding attractive anymore. If she wanted a more confident, talkative man I could have gotten back to being that way with her help, if she'd nurtured me the same way I nurtured her. And I had to do all the talking on our first date, she barely spoke. All the talking when I'd Facetime her from abroad. Even though she claimed she wanted to ask me every question under the sun.

It wasn't a total discard though. She seemed genuinely upset about hurting me which is why I wavered on whether it was BPD or just BPD traits. And she rang me accidentally the next day to say she'd been reading my last text when I said if she ever needed someone she knew where I was, and told me 'I want you to know you can always text'. It was only after I pushed for more closure that she became cold and started to blank me. I just felt 'You were calling me your soulmate less than 2 months ago, and now you can't even smile at me'. She just never understood why I couldn't let go so easily.