had a bad setback last nignt

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am working very hard on healing and most of the time it's good.last night I was at a friends house, I haven't seen him in several years. He was having some shots and getting loose lips. He said your ex wife is such a nice person, to bad you guys couldn't make it work. That set me back pretty bad. It put me back in a bad place mentally, the whole rumination started,  maybe I was that terrable person. It funny how a innocent comment can put a negative spin on my recovery and my thinking. I'm going to look at this as a learning and growing opportunity. In the r/s I played my part but the punishment doesn't fit the crime. In a normal r/s our problems would of been an easy fix.

[bus boy]

I am working very hard on healing and most of the time it's good.last night I was at a friends house, I haven't seen him in several years. He was having some shots and getting loose lips. He said your ex wife is such a nice person, to bad you guys couldn't make it work. That set me back pretty bad. It put me back in a bad place mentally, the whole rumination started,  maybe I was that terrable person. It funny how a innocent comment can put a negative spin on my recovery and my thinking. I'm going to look at this as a learning and growing opportunity. In the r/s I played my part but the punishment doesn't fit the crime. In a normal r/s our problems would of been an easy fix.

[Faith16]

I understand how that could set you back, but I'm assuming this friend either doesn't understand BPD, or doesn't really know what happened in your marriage. 

Remember, BPDs don't show their true selves to everyone.  I went to my attorney's office the other day to sign the divorce papers & the paralegal was saying how nice & attractive my ex was. That hurt. I didn't need to hear that on the day I'm signing papers to file for a divorce! Then again, she doesn't "know" him.  It caught me so off-guard & I wasn't really sure how to respond. Part of me wanted to tell her what an inappropriate comment I felt that was to make, but instead I say "Yeah, he is very nice and good-looking, too bad he's a control freak that tried to rule over every thing I said or did".  I didn't even go into everything else, what would be the point?

Stay strong. Not everyone's going to understand what you went through, but the most important part is that YOU know what went on in your marriage & not everyone will ever get to see that side of your ex.  BPDs are special like that, in that they only show their true selves to those they are closest to. Aren't we special?... .NOT. Keep your head up & stay on the path to recovery!

[kc sunshine]

Yes, those things set me back too! Even when they are said well-meaningly and in the context of "I can see why you would have been drawn to her."

The problem is that even if your ex was the most amazing thing ever, being with her would come at the price of you. If you went to the store and to pick out a partner and saw her there on the shelf, what do you think the price tag would say? The price tag on mine would say "your self esteem, your relationship with your friends, your freedom to travel and to work, your peace of mind." Too expensive!

(though a nagging voice does say, oh man if I had more skills in defending all of the above, better boundaries, I could have made it work... .or work better at least... .oh well moving forward hopefully I can develop those skills more strongly).

I understand how that could set you back, but I'm assuming this friend either doesn't understand BPD, or doesn't really know what happened in your marriage.  

Remember, BPDs don't show their true selves to everyone.  I went to my attorney's office the other day to sign the divorce papers & the paralegal was saying how nice & attractive my ex was. That hurt. I didn't need to hear that on the day I'm signing papers to file for a divorce! Then again, she doesn't "know" him.  It caught me so off-guard & I wasn't really sure how to respond. Part of me wanted to tell her what an inappropriate comment I felt that was to make, but instead I say "Yeah, he is very nice and good-looking, too bad he's a control freak that tried to rule over every thing I said or did".  I didn't even go into everything else, what would be the point?

Stay strong. Not everyone's going to understand what you went through, but the most important part is that YOU know what went on in your marriage & not everyone will ever get to see that side of your ex.  BPDs are special like that, in that they only show their true selves to those they are closest to. Aren't we special?... .NOT. Keep your head up & stay on the path to recovery!

[stimpy]

Remember, BPDs don't show their true selves to everyone. 

Yes, this is so true.

Mine was so charming, so funny, so nice. She could charm the birds from the trees as the saying goes. But once she had those birds in her hands... .

The disorder is an attachment disorder, and it only emerges when you get too close to that person. So the superficial charm disappears and then the other side of the personality appears.

This friend you mention bus boy, just didn't know her.

[once removed]

remember, when we feel triggered, its because a nerve has been touched; triggers tend to reveal something uncomfortable within ourselves. note that your friend did not say you are a terrible person or that the demise of the relationship was all your fault.

I'm going to look at this as a learning and growing opportunity. In the r/s I played my part but the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

good  . so how can you use this? i would encourage you to explore these feelings more deeply, without judgment, and in a detached sort of way, like an objective third party; communicate them, observe them, listen to what they are telling you.

so can you elaborate on how you felt when you heard your friends comment?

[bus boy]

I felt like telling him to mind his business that he had no idea what kind of emotional abuser she was. He was half cut so I didn't want to get into it. It put me in a sort of daze, like I was in another dimension. I wasn't with the program for rest of the evening, it changed my visit than I got called out to work so I was up and alone with my negative feelings until the wee hours until I was finished my emergency call in.

[once removed]

I felt like telling him to mind his business that he had no idea what kind of emotional abuser she was.

youre right, he doesnt. being told that someone who has abused us is a nice person tends to feel like invalidating our pain, and rightfully makes us defensive.

knowing that he had no idea what kind of emotional abuser she was, why did this trigger feelings that you were a terrible person and spur ruminations?

[bus boy]

My ex wife often told me how horrable I made her feel about her self, how no one ever treated her as bad as I did, or made her cry like I did, she said with a smile and sarcastic tone, like she was being nice, that when someone asked her who she was married to, it made her cringe to have to tell them she was married to me. I use to drink and I would go out and come home drunk. I was never mean or abusive, I never put us in any jackpots or anything like that but I carry that around. I haven't drank in years and my T who was an addictions expert told me many times, this has nothing to do with drinking. I was very open to quitting and talked to my ex about it but she wasn't on board, she said doesn't want to hear about it, could care less about me. I wasn't a wipe out drunk, she wasn't abusing me about drinking, she was constantly abusing my family. It was a nightmare. When she got pregnant it got worse and so did my drinking. When I should of been there for her, I was drunk. It was terrable for her and I.  She never looked at me and said we will get through this or offered any type of help. The harder it struggled the worse she made me feel. I would be told your not trying hard enough or it has nothing to do with drinking, what are you going to do about your family. It was always bad but after we married it got worse, after she got pregnant it was the worse experience of my life. What should of been a happy moment was not. I was an on top of things type of person. She was great with bills, a terrable house keeper but her mother's house was a pig pen. It was never a situation where I drank the money, it was never a constant worry. I will admit it was wrong to go out and come home early drunk. I was very open to quitting and after she left I did quit, that was 9 years ago, not once did she congratulate me, she can't even say i have been sober all these years. In one of her affidavits for court, after being sober for 6 years, she still put allegedly been sober for 6 years. Every thing she does has a negative emotionally abusive tone to it. It never stopped. I compare it to Chinese water torcher. I still carry the drinking with me. She made it clear drinking had nothing to do with it when she left, she said I could thank my family, she always said I put my family first and that played hell with my brains bc I never put my family first, she wanted them gone. But in court she played the drinking card. While I was sinking, she threw me an anchor. I can't for some reason shake the horrable feeling that I was a drunk and a terrable husband. And for the past 9 years I turned my self inside out for her and she still strung me along, made mean dehumanizing comments to me, gave me sex and never had any intention of making us a family unit and a year ago gives the family I fought so hard for to someone else, continues to treat me like a deadbeat dad and treats her bf like he's the dad. The family court worker said I was an exemplary father and wishes more father's were like me. To conclude my long story, I carry around the stigma that I drank my family away.

[once removed]

it does sound like she was pretty abusive. thats really a lot of hurt for a person to go through, bus boy.

people dealing with substance abuse tend to carry around shame. it sounds as if she spent a long time reinforcing that shame. thats a lot to shake off, and this was your wife of nine years; all the more traumatic.

do you believe youre a terrible person? do you believe you deserve better? do you practice self forgiveness?

[bus boy]

I do practice self forgiveness, but not enough. I think the shame was projected on to me. I feel she carries the shame of sexual abuse. Her grandfather molested all his children and every one of his grandchildren that he could get his hands on. My ex's mother was was molested most of her child hood and exposed her children, my ex wife to a child molester until it finely came out when my ex was around 15 years old. My ex was obsessed with me protecting her it was so confusing to me bc I couldn't understand, protect her from what? I sometimes feel she found a way to shame me and projected that shame on me. I also shared my past with her, she shared nothing and she took every opportunity to shame me on my past.